"Understanding"

 I will try for the last time this morning. If this doesn't gets out, it means that this is not the time to post an entry. Or this particular entry. This tablet shut down several times. The internet connection fails and it really seems one of these movies or books that you read or watch and that'll make you think what signs are. And the previously mentioned stuffs are very much like a bunch of signs for me to stop. Or maybe, it serves the purpose to test my patience / resistance. It's all fine.

Last Friday night, I went to dnner with a few friends. My dinners with friends envolve mostly hash and boozing. I fear not to say such things. Saturday night, it has been another dinner at a friend's house - things gone like usually. We speak and laugh a lot. We tell jokes. Truths are spoken and things that I'd rather not to know pop out: seems tha my friend S. knows a bit too much about my sexual life ("despite you don't speak that much" she said "I know some of the stufs you do"). Seems that she also knows that some people desire me in a certain way... perhaps, this is not the sign that I must be aware of people, but that she perhaps was trying to make me speak out something... anything...

She also said that she's looking forward the day that I'll introduce her to a serious boyfriend of mine. She can sit down awaiting. I am not saying that this is impossible, but that is highly improbable. I am not really into getting hooked to someone. I am not really int losing control of myself like that. Several events led me to being like this: as a teen, I wanted to be loved, nowadays, I don't want annoying human beings around me, because they believe they're in love with such a creature.

I have experienced love once. Loved without being loved in return. Maybe that experience has been harmful for me. Maybe I have allowed myself to get this closed to such a feeling that everyone seems to chase.

There are many other reasons for me to be like this, when it comes to love. My mind works dangerously. I think in everything people are and in every way that they act with each others. I do entire movies within my mind. Gunshots. Cheatings. Fights. Lies. There are the obvious pornographic scenes, alongside with the romantic ones. I want. I don't want. Hardly, someone will ever like me for what I am. Hardly, I will allow to love someone. At least, while I am conscious of what's going inside of me. Hardly, someone will ever accept me the way I am.

More than just this... there' s more than just this...

I have letters to write for a long time. There are FB's (Friendship Books) stuck inside my desk. New ones, to be started. Older ones that I've signed in and that I haven't managed a way to get the necessary money to send them along. I have older letters to reply to and to see if the people still want to be penpals with me.

I am job hunting... yet! In 4 years of unemployment, many have been the reasons for me not to have gotten a job yet. I am going more seriously now. It ends up beng difficult for a few reasons that I won't mention. I prefer to think that I'll be able to find a way to surpass such difficulties. There are no more excuses anymore, as there aren't any mandatory days to visit certain places / people.

It is the time for me to close this here. It is the time to put this back to charging and finally tighten myself. I'm sitting in the bed and I'm feeling sleepy, as outside, the rainy morning starts.

Time to go... and to leave wonders for later on...