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Showing posts from 2012

And Days Pass By

Just been with a girl friend of mine. It's been a while since we've had a coffee, but this quickie served well! The boy, working his body, was there, half naked. Too bad he wasn't naked in my bed! People are around there, people keep living, doing and saying things, they keep behaving, putting me aside with stuffs/words/actions. I still think that it would be the best for me to walk away, but then again, I am addicted in that café!

My girl friend also saw Logan McCree in my blog and I have showed her some pictures of him, on google. She got amazed! I am amazed and addicted in that men since I first saw him! Well, I think that with that man, I would start considering to turn a monogamic creature!! :P

Eheh, days pass by, I keep fantasizing, living and dreaming! In the end, that'll be my escape from the bad things, as it has always been!!

Been busy doing nothing...

the last few days. Then again, it has been Christmas, and between holiday, getting high and drunk with friends, thinking and analyising the situation of my life (including a job I got and that I am thinking on refusing, as I won't get paid if I do not get contracts for TV, home phone and Internet services, as most people arte struggling with bills to pay and if they don't have those services already, they're not wishing to get them), I have been busy doing nothing.

Dead men do not walk, but some of the people that you start to wonder if they're dead or not, seem to enjoy showing up. You throw at their faces how shitty their actions are, they accept them, but never without a fight, then they start hanging around with you like if nothing has happened!

Drunk people shouldn't be condemned by their words or their actions, if they haven't killed anyone. But when they're drunk, their actions speak louder than when they're sobber: nthere's no lies beneath w…

Playing Tribalwars Again

And praying that I do not get "unused" to this! Used to play this a while ago, but then lost my internet connection. My village's been conquered! Decided to try again, in the hope to be able to visit it at least ojne time a day, with my mobile (or a new mobile, if it applies!)! Decieed to try Grepolis either, but still too confusing for me, so I think I'll have to leave Grepolis for later on!

Playing tribalwars... Well, thought about coming to the internet, to recreate my account on tribalwars. €1 for a game: cool! Used to enjoy playing it,m although it can be such a boring game, as it's all strategy, with no action to see, as Age Of Empires.


Anyways... this might be s tupid topic. I am not caring anymore: I simply want to have fun and enjoy the world and life. All the rest is crap!

Closed Eyes

And allowing the rain to fall over me! Allowing myself to try a rain's bath! Allowing the sadness to be clean: it's a dirty sadness, due to the murdered buddy!

Short entry! Not much to say! And maybe there are quite a lot to say... i simply can not find the words!

Taking The Time

I am taking the time to stop by and smell the flowers. I am taking the time to walk in the Wintry gardens, with dead leaves everywhere. i am taking the time to walk under the rain, with my umbrella open, listening to the rain falling over it. I am taking the time to tweet to some pornographivc actors that I didn't even knew or seen, if I did, I haven't noticed them (Logan Mc Cree is my big man!). I am taking the time to enjoy some stuffs and am taking the time to try to forgive some atitudes from people. I am taking the time relax and not punch this fucking tranny sitted by my side, speaking creole and not shutting the fuck up, while I am trying to type. The THING keeps turning the chair, hitting mine, unfoccusing me from what I am wanting to type. From times to times, she/he/it/what-fucking-ever looks at me, as I do type quite fastg and the noisy keyboard stops her/him/it/what-fucking-ever to listen to what the dude/tranny/girl/thing/whoever's in the other side (I saw a H…

The house in the beach

Listening to this song, I do imgine myself awaiting for my love, sitted inside the house in the beach. The door wouldn't be shut, but it wouldn't be open either... Some kind of black curtains would be dancing with the wind. The fog outside would almost cover the view of the sea. The sea would be singing for the one who has been gone in itself. ~The smoke of my cigarette would be raising to the ceiling.
I think on how amazing it would be to live near the sea. The world wouldn't matters anymore. No one would ever be important anymore. I would be one with the sea and the sand and the fog and the sun and the night.
I do imagine the steps in the ground.... And then, just silence... One more cigarette and nothing else, anymore...

Farewell?!

I am wanting to create a blog. A central blog, where I can put all the same work that I have been putting here, since I have created these blogs!

I went to sleep thinking about this and then I got up thinking about it! I do have three blogs and perhaps it would be for the very best to get a neew one, since I don't know any way to make a fusion between at least two of my blogs! If I could do that, I'll gladly would...

This way, I am thinking on getting a fourth blog, to where I'll be "moving to". These ones will be here, but I might be moving ahead, as three blogs can be a truly harsh work to stand! I am pretty proud of what I've been doing here, since I was barely a teen.

Anyways, if that ever happehns, I might stay around blogspot. If not, I would be around wordpress or anything similar. I am thinking, for a while now, about getting an account on tumblr. ^But that won't be for now... Maybe if I get an android mobilke for Christmas! Eheheh!!

Anyways, do not w…

Connections

Here's something quite awesome! Here's something to bring tears to my eyes! Vinícius de Moraes singing at Amália Rodrigues' house! One poem that he has writen for her to sing! The poet gives a quite gloomy sound to the song! But the poet knows what he's doing! The poet knows the dance of the voice; the poet knows who he's singing to!
Amália, in her living room, listens to him and absorbs the feeling! Amália Rodrigues, in all her entire magnificence, absorbs what she got to feel, the way she has to sing the song! Amália says: now I am going to try! Jusat imagine it like at 3 a.m., smoke of cigarettes in the air, lots of people around the sofas. Papers everywhere, with poems, with sketches of poems, ways to turn them into a song! Just imagine how would you feel inside that room! Ditature! State police! No freedom to speak out loud whatever you wanted to (and we're losing this nowadays)!
I feel just this amazed, to the point of imagine being part of such nights. Or to …

Shocking?...

I think that things aren't that shocking! I am not any hottie! I am not a hunk! I am not a "butterfly" or  "little flower"! Almost kidding (almost serious!), I have said that I am an homophobic faggot! I care not on being gay, I do love being gay, I do love men, but I couldn't stnd other gy dudes around me: I tend to shoo them away! I have been introduced to a few gay dudes in my life, but I mostly prefered to stand alone, than to have them around, especially if they have the "broken wrist" on!

I have found a profile of a very sexy dude, with all his muscles on, with a body filled with tattoos! The text of the profile was a very nice one, someone who could defend all those who would like to shock and shake the world! Sexy dude, openly gay: shocking?... It has been for me, I have to say! I have learned that, although I am openly gay to friends, it's for the best to keep shut and quiet about your sexuality: the place I live at is a very harsh pla…

Thinking About The Sea

about how I miss it! About I am needing to see the sea, to feel the sea, to kiss the sea! About how much time I would need, how much hashish I would need to feel healed: the next time this hits me this way, I might not allow myself to calm down to tell the tale! I am thinking about the sea: I need to walk in the beach, to sing, to run, to laugh, to cry, to roll in the sand. I need to let these shadows to get out of me! I need to surpass the spirit itself! My soul is not in peace! My body is not in peace! Days keep passing by and the most I laugh, the sadest I feel: I feel sad, day by day, just because I can't laugh with a real feeling of happiness! What I get is never enough and I can n't let go of such feelings! My soul feels like bleeding, but no one's seing the blood dripping outta me! No one's seing the wounds! I am thinking on how wonderful it would be to be listening to the sea singing to me. By my side, a lover, about to hug or fuck me hard! Or maybe, a knife or a…

Wishing...

...that some things go as I want them to! At least this time, I do hope that I can change anything in my life, by getting anything I want! I am praying for Christmas week: I am not praying for the money or for the mobile I secretely want, I am wishing that dude which is coming to Portugal for the season. We have a pending conversation for a while now, I am suffering before the time as come and I have already ordered a little bit of hashish to a friend of mine: I don't want to get highed before going to talk with that dude, I want to get highed after the conversations, as I know it'll help me to relax and I know I will need it!

Wishing that at least this time, things can go as planned: but life never allows things to go as we plan them. At least, not at 100%, so I need to count on any kind on disapointment: I don't care! My plans aren't unperfect, I do not plan them at the minimal move, but I do wish some things...

As well as I wish I could improve my Facebook or Twitter …

Oh...

...things aren't what they're looking like!

"Oh! He's lying..."

No, I am not lying; I am just hiding certain truths from certain people! Not everyone deserves to know some stuffs, others don't deserve to know other stuffs!

Oh... And people wait to know the good news and they're not popping out! The good news are not popping out!

Oh... And it rains and I let my secrets go away with the rains: hoping for a bit of the sea, but it's been impossible to be in the beach. I want to fly away and let my secrets vanish, to turn into dust, into ashes taken by the wind... More than never, I am feeling with a sword over my chest! More than ever before, I am feeling like the secrets were cracking and like if they were about to fell down over my head!

No one knows what's going within my mind, when I am laughing looking the far horizon! No one knows what I am feeling, when I am crying out loud (no one can see my tears). No one seems to care if things are OK: peop…

And here comes...

...what I do feel and what I am! I have shared this song and the lyrics, a few months ago! This song is quite too much of what I truly am! This song is quite too much of my soul... Being crazy and insane, trying to simply being ourselves, walking up and down the streets, feeling our lovers' arms around us, but people still not understanding and not caring to try to understand! Especially our lovers, that should be the first ones to care to try to understand us, that should try to make us feel the most comfortable as possible, when we're being insane! Here comes my soul... And here comes my soul begging for more songs like this... Begging for the creation to never stop being such a pleasure... Loca... loca, loca, loca... :)

Wicked Hearing Aid

That wicked thing that I have to use to help me to listen, started "acting up". It seemed to be filtering the sounds, then it filtered simply the voices and when I did spoke a bit louder, it gone dead. I made the man of the store laugh when I said that I am not used to be a deaf anymore. I'm not completely deaf, but still listened very bad. The sounds were gone... some of the most ordinary sounds, like the cars' tires being scratched by the road, the rain in the umbrella or in the window... Some sounds that people doesn't realise anymore, as they're used to them or some of those people doesn't care about those sounds. I have gone to see what's wrong and I have been warned that it might be water bubbles, due to humidity, cold weather, hot air inside malls, cafés, etc. The next time this happens, I have to turn the hearing aid off, take it off and hit it... softly... poor me, needing to be violent to anyone or anything!

My mood isn't any better... it…

Here comes another week

knowing that there's nothing too much which's going to change! I do know that, although Sundays are bored, I am getting a week full of nothingness! I am trying to get people to chat/text with, but it seems a hard task. I am trying to allow time to pass faster until the Christmas week (and it's not due to Christmas), but it's an impossible task, unlçess I get distracted with pleasant thing in the meantimes!

Here comes another week of thinking a little bit too much: I will think in my mistakes, in the things that I have done wrongly, in the things that I should do and that I am not doing. But well, I cannot stop days from passing by: all i could do is to put an effort on the task to change things, but still not doing such thing.

Until when?

One night out...

in a friend's birthday party! We've been in the middle of the fields, with a bonfire to warm up! The rain's started hitting hard and then we've moved to a place where the rain did not touched us, but it was cold! JR's 23rd birthday, so she deserved the presence of the people who were there, eventhough I didnt't liked some of them! Eventhough I didn't knew most of the people who were there!! But JR's deserved that I have decided to spend my night with her and her grilffriend! She deserved that I have taken this night to stay out and although my mum is truly pissed off at me today, JR deserved that I am now passing through this! She's been in my life for 5 or 6 years now and I have to be honest that I wouldn't expect that she would want my presence there: I like JR quite a lot, but I have never realised of how much she liked me. And that's a reason for me to feel happy: people come and go, but real friends come and never leave again, even if w…

Typing...

withouth any special reason is the most precious! Typing just because you'd feel the urge to let things come out of your soul... singing just because the soul is singing... dancing with the wind, just because your soul feels like it... doing things without a single reason for doing them is the most precious way of doing things! And if you create as a soul saver, you'll know what I'm talking about!

Sadness

It hits me quite often. Especially since we got into Autumn/Fall (depends on how you call this season). Sadness covers my face, clouds my eyes and thoughts. And you... Always you!

I have seen your car yesterday. I have seen T.'s car yesterday. MAybe you were both at P.'s house, something that i have thought across the night, as the sleep was not coming over. I wish I could care less about when I see anything related to you, but it seems to be an impossible task. I can not care less or even to be careless about you, your presence, your existance. I love you and I will always love. Whatever has happened between the two of us (or what hasn't even happened!) doesn't really matters, since I am sure and aware of this love, kinda obsession!

Sadness... It makes me see the most beautiful images, between the destruction! Feeling... Truly feeling... Allowing me to see in this Autumn/Fall scenery, beautiful images, making me create beautiful paintings in my mind. Allowing me to tra…

Raining Again

And raining hard! Left home without nan umbrella, because we was having a sunny afternoon and then, it started raining: first, a soft rain, then it started hitting hard! I have been in the café, bought rolling papers (I bet you can guess what I want such papers for), then thought: what if I kept the money that's left? I realised that I was wanting and needing to go to the Internet. Needing to type anything down! Needing to say something!!

It's raining again... The blue sky, turned into a grey/yellow mixture, as the sun was being "killed" by the clouds, then it turned completely grey. the rain hasn't waited mfor too long until it shows up! The rain has waited for too long, but it's been so good... Walking under the rain drops, feeling them hitting my face, leaving my clothes wet. It always worths the walk under the rain. I wish I ws in the beach, right now, with a playlist in my mobile that I would create for that purpose only, feeling the sea's words! The…

Nothing Changes, But The Action!

things simply keep going the way they have always been going: sadness, depression hits from times to times and the way I find to heal my mind is by gettin' truly high and pervert! I can touch myself, wank 20 times a day, see porn movies or pictures! I don't paint anymore... I do try to draw, from times to times, but the result doesn't suits me: I need to study a bit more! I write and I try to be as honest as possible, but still the result doesn't pleases me: I keep trying and, from times to times, I can get the result, get the idea turned into action, until I delete stuffs! Then I turn pervert: I don't have such a crazy sexual life as I have had previously, but I do still have crazy fantasies! What remains, is the interest:
men! Everything remains the same! My interests, my ideas, what has changed, has been the action!

Extremely Annoyed!!

Trying to type this damned entry for minutes and had it deleted. Blank Internet window (apart from all the buttons and all the links I can use) open, my mind swirling so fast, that I think I am being dragged to Hell: but no, Hell is right here, in this world, in this life! I have been sad and things truly end going from a simple sadness to a deep depression! Two months ago, cutted myself ago: lame, I know, for those who think it's just relted to emo styles, but things have had to be done this way. The 4 wounds lasted for a few days, then they turned into simple scars in my left arm. Brand new scars! Things are more than simple depression and more than simple annoying: there are days that I am terribly pissed off, almost willing I could hit someone to death (bring me one of those pedophiles I read about on newspapers and allow me to spend one hour with them. Then call the docs and the cops to carry the corpse out!). Others, I wish I ws walking around the streets and that a demented…

A Dream

The room is dark! The silence reigns and it's only broken by your breathing in my neck! I am naked in the bed and I did believed I was alone... I get up and go to the window. The bed is now empty. It was just a dream! I lighten up a cigarette and I let myself go in this madness of minutes!
Now, the night is chilling outside! Almost dinner time and I am fantasizing about a conversation that I am going to have in December: I do fantasize with fantastic options for that same conversation! I do fantasize with fantastic options for waht that man is going to say to me! I know that we don't really know each other, but still have some stuffs in common. He was the only person that I have thought about, when I have been in the hospital, two years ago. You? You are and you will always be my love! All the others? They'll be simple fantasies to me, that'll never work good enough, that'll never be good enough! And only you (and it's not you who are going to talk with me in ab…

Last Night's Song

While walking down the barely empty street, a certain song appeared in my mind! I started humming it, while I kept walking down the street! A cop, at a pharmacy's door, stared at me with mean eyes. An old man, stared me in a way that seemed he was going to kill me! My mood is not the best, but definitely, things are Ok! Maybe not mentally, nor spiritually, but physically things are better than ever before!

This song accompanied me all day long! I have had the need to come to the Internet, just to listen the music. my very old computer wrecked. And even if it were working, I could never read DVD's in my CD's reader. My laptop is still waiting to be fixed, what means that I can't extract the musics from my DVD's and this one is, for sure, inside those same and wicked DVD's!

My mood is not the best... My mood hasn't been the best for a few months, now! I imagine an Austrian garden, with it's woods surrounding me, falling leaves dance around me with the wind,…

Thunderstorm

And it's raining as if the sky was tearing apart. Tears of Gods and/or Goddesses! Lightenings rippping the sky, thunders breaking the silence. My mobile vibrates, as my mum's calling me (it's 5 a.m., seems the world is ending and I do not show up, neither answer the phone. I prefer to stand the yellings at home).I look through the glass and I am seing the rain drops hitting the glass violently: there's a kind of peace way too big in this scenarium; far in the horizon, the tower of the church with the blue cross.

I am thinking and daydreaming on one converstaion that a girl have had with me yesterday. Her idea of me immigrating would be due to the narrow minds in this country, the lack of chances: I am fine with the lack of chances, since I am in my country and narrow minds don't deal with me! But since yesterday, I have seriously thought on those girl's words: they're serious and honest and she was drunk. From the drunk's mouth comes the most honest tru…

Card Games

I am at my friend's C. house. There are her boyfriend, his cousin and his cousin's husband here too. They are playing cards. I want to play too, but the game allow four people to play only. So I am here, in front of the laptop, typing this entry, right after I have been seing my Facebook, seing some pictures, posting some stuffs... Still pondering on deleting my Facebook account, althought I won't do it now. Perhaps I won't do it AT ALL, but still is a good thing to think about. Perhaps, I might think on creating the so famous second account, but without being the secret account that I was wanting to create, due to some ideas for another blog.

I hear the cards hitting the table, after my friend picks them. I want to play! They talk, comment on the game and laugh. I simply get foccused on the laptop's keyboard and on the laptop's screen. They laugh out loud and do anoither comment and I take a glimpse and the gambling group.

Card games... We could think on tarot d…

3 blogs, 3 entries

And here goes the entry number 3! i will niot complain again on the computer which hasn't read my DVD, so I can not listen to the music. I will not complain on my terrible mood either. I will not complain on the €0,50 I have spent uselessly: they are spent now, so there's no turn back. Complaining will not solve it!

I have exactly three blogs at this moment: I am planning on leaving a link to any other blog of mine, if I get a "central blog", where all the blogs will go. In the other side, I am also thinking on simply deleting these blogs: they are worthless, useless (are they?)! I think that they can be a waste of my time and money (yes, money, as I have to pay for half an hour of internet to come here), from times to times. I pay for the half an hour of Internet, simply to blog. There are days that I don't even open the Facebook or Twitter. What for? To see the same complaints over and over? To see some people seeking attention, in an endless quest?? Nah, thanks…

Depressed and without patience

Looks like the clouds came down from the sky just to bring my mood down too! Looks like that people's attitudes serve the only purpose to hurt us! I don't want to walk all that way to go and drink one coffee, which means I am not good at all! I don't want to walk all that way, with you or alone, to drink a wicked coffee, and you said: "don't worry, I won't call you ever again!". Yeah, right, mum! I won't wake me up for that again, until the next time!
I am moody! I am sad and rather depressed! Why? I don't know! I wish it was this easy to know the source of our sadness/depression, to cut the crap by the root/source! But I really don't know why I am feeling this sad... Perhaps, I am right when I type about the clouds: since Autumn/Fall started, that I have noticed a higher rating of bad/depressive feelings and days with me. I have never noticed this before, but I do notice it now! I like Autumn/Fall, but I love Winter even more: what if I get …

The Wreck Of My Last Computer

SO my last computer wrecked... Tried to write something and the screen suddendly started shrinking, trembling and it only lasted a lightened line in the middle of the screen itself. I am not going to be paranoid... No, I am not... going... to... be... paranoid...!!!

In the end, the computer simply reacted to the use it had: none, but gaming. And not online gaming, but stupid games that you put a CD running and you find out that most games are children games. No creativity at all and the last time that i have typed handwriten poems has been a while ago. But the wreck of this last computer also came to remind me that nothing lasts forever and that I can not count on anyone else to help/solve my problems for me: It's my dutty to move my lazy ass and improve what I have been pretty lazy to do so.

Walked down the avenue and I was planning on what I wanted to write again. I realised how useless it was: in the end, what I have planned wouldn't come out. My mind could go blank. I coul…

Caring Not = Excellence

Caring not would be the excellence of my actions, especially to myself! I would be better in my life and with my life itself! I would be happier! But no, I do care quite much with the others, that I almost forget of myself! I don't want to know why the fuck did you took such action: I do care and in other circumstances I would be looking for an answer for your action, little brat, but I don't want to be bothered with m,ore phonecalls like the one from your father last night, telling me that you're in the hospital again, possibly because you have tried to kill yourself again (you're 18!) and that you have run away from home, picked a train and did a trip of 3 hours and half inside a train, to reach almost 400 km's away! You want to go? Then just go! I do care, but I don't want to be bothered again!
I have tried to reach this far, by finding healtier and happier ways to cross the surface of the planet and to go through this life. I do drink and smoke hash (not h…

Daydreaming

Sometimes, I do imagine myself living the same kind of Life that Julie Roberts on "Pretty Woman" and I do imagine my own richard Gere coming and rescuing me. Then I simply fall off the bed and do wake up!

A while ago, got my eyes trapped in a very sexy man: the dude was with the traffic policeman uniform, my eyes were nailed at his wonderful face, arms and ass and I almost forgot my real intention, which was to cross the road!
Last nigh, picked up a few papers that I have written. Some of them, were with accounts online infos. Others, were self-suggestions of games I used to play, the ways to improve my "life" in such games. Instead having the papers occupying space in my desk, I decided to type them, add some new infos and save them on a USB pen. Better start from little things, than not starting at all! And that's not the only thing I am wanting to start doing... Writing would be a blessing, but most of my time in my own comuter is occupied by playing the same old game, that I have played countless times, before having internet at home. Now I am without Internet at home, once again, needing to pay €1 everytime I want to come around. But well... i typed around 800 poems (I handwrite them, originally, only type them and change anything that displeases me at the time), have a few more to type and it'll happen someday/night soon. I am already feeling that urge to type those that have been wr…

LOG OUT

Simply logging out Twitter and Facebook! I have seen what I had to see! I have read what I had to read! I have found out what I had to find out! Tried to write an entry, previously, but nothing's coming out, so here I am, doing one last attempt, althoguh I have a very good feeling this time! The kid on the cdomputer by my side keeps staring at my computer and keeps getting up and sitting down. He goes and speaks with the kids two computers by my left. He annoys me! He botters me! I could get unfoccused of my point, but this is not happening: curse of the Devil or gift of the Gods? Who knows? And who cares?

I just realised that the only place where my writings don't have any strings attaching my words and ideas, is here, on my blogs, or in my diary. In any other thing/support I compromise myself to write, with any other idea, I always choose carefully my words. I don't want to sound miseducated or careless about my writings. And my ideas wouldn't sound any bad or any wro…

Sexy, sexy, sexy

Although I have decided to stop with my sexual life for a while now, I am not stupid and I am not blind! Especially when it comes to sexy pieces of meat inside uniforms, such as the sexy voiced cop from a while ago in the supermarket. Or any of his work mates who are there and that, from times to times, leave me uncomfortable with their staring. Perhaps they know me from other times, from other kind of "life"; I do say/type this quite a lot, but I know that's a chance.

Another sexy thing, is the dude on my left side, at this moment. He wears somekind of business suit, he has a cute face, sexy lips. Straight, or I believe so, but he wouldn't be anything else but an eyecandy, even if he were gay. At the moment, getting foccused on so many things, that perhaps including a sexual life woulod make me go nuts!

*there's a very old lady dressed in a black t-shirt and a black skirt, her hair is all messed up as if she were just in a fight*

Proposals

I keep getting proposals. Sexual propossals, I should say, butn I think that everyone who follows or reads my blogs, even if it's from times to times only, would understand that!

Yesterday, wrote abou the old chat I used to go at and the other website, where you can see pictures! I have seen the pictures of some men, there, got a message from a dude, who has read my profile (I mentioned the hash, the drinking, that having fun and not being good at all) and he wrote: "Wow, I enjoyed your profile and I got to say that I love to fuck when I am high!" Way different from the dude who texts me and who I text, that keeps asking me to have a "session" with me, but he keeps criticizing me from smoking whether cigarettes or hash!

This another dude, after my refusal, he said that I could meet him and his friends! Some people can pay the beers (I don't drink beer), others will rool the hash joints (I can roll, but have no hash and sometimes no cigarettes), so I simply …

The Old Websites

As a younger boy, who was constantly feeling lonely, I used to look on chats the company I couldn't find in my real life! Amazingly, I also find out I could play the "hard-to-get-silly-game" with anyone without exception, as no one knew how I was. I also find out it was almost like playing Role Playing Games, where you are whoever you want, with no restriction! I did opened a web-site with a chat, where you could turn your webcam on and play dirty games for other men to see and wank at the same time, if it pleased them. The lack of time, made me decide to shut the window, but here I am, writing about it.

There's another website, one where you can see dudes' pictures, read their profiles (if you're careful enough to do so, as most of them complain no one reads what they write and I am one of those who complains) and then you can send one message, though you have now a restrict number of messages per week. I have seen several pictures which pleased me. I have r…

Watching porn...

...and this is NOT me this time!

It's incredile how I try to hide that I am watching porn and it is not the first time I get black dudes here watching porn. Boobs, pussies, loads of cum and so on.

My porn involves men on men! No women involved, although I try bisexual videos from times to times, but I lose my apetite for that real fast!

They're watching porn. The dude in the computer #1; possibly all the dudes in all the computers (except me and the lady in the last computer; or is she?). This dude by my left, with an old look, was googling naked women days ago. It's obvious to the eyes, when you get up the chair and your vision reaches all the other computers' screens!

The dude by my right just requested a bit more of time in his computer. He's barely laid in the chair, the hands in his bulge and from times to times, he rubs it. Hard not to notice, having him this close. This is why I would love to open a cyber store/café, with private cabins form people to do wha…

Alice

Alice!

This name sounds familiar!

Alice!

Where, in my life, have I ever met anyone with such a name?

Alice!

Ah! I know now! A girl, friend of mine, from my childhood! She was the older of my friends, when I was a kid! This girl, the one that went away, when her sister-in-law, left her brother with three kids, with a simple note in the TV's screen!

Alice!

That one friend that me and Rita always talk about, when we're high and our minds turn, simultaneously, to the past! That friend of ours, that used to spend hours in the street with us. The girl who used to lie to her father, telling him she was dropping the trash in the bin and then she stayed at night with me in the street. Alice, with her three, sometimes, with all of her four nephews, two girls and two boys, hanging with us, playing volleyball with us.

Alice!

Why did she came in my mind, minutes ago, when I was walking here? Why did her name came up, as such a need to write something down here?

Alice!

Will we ever meet aga…

Pondering...

...on deleting my blogs! On deleting Twitter! On deleting Facebook!

Some of my entries and some of my tweets and some of my facebook status unplease me quite a lot! My words sound way too stupid, when I read them again! Are they worthwhile, anyway? Do they worth a cent? Do they even worth a shit?

I continue having doubts! I thought, by the others' saying, that once I was out of teenaging, things would get better! But once doubts hit me, they hit hard and lasting!

I wish anyone could give me a concrete answer, that wouldn't make me wonder even more! I wish I could simply do and don't regret my actions!

Pondering... But most possibly I will simply correct any mistakes and delete only some entries! Only some entries... Delete... Correct...

Raining

It's raining outside! Oh God, it's raining! I open my arms, close my eyes and lift my head to the sky. I leave it falling down my face, wetting it, wetting my clothes and, as a consequence, wetting my body. In the news, they spoke about the drought: it burnt the crops, it didn't allowed the grass which feed the cattle to grow.


It's raining! Perhaps the sky has felt the melancholy, perhaps Heaven (does it exists?) has felt how sad I am lately and decided to weep with me!

It's raining... Oh God, it's raining! I keep my eyes closed, my head turned to the sky, my arms wide open, as if I was trying to hug the rain and the wind! I leave the tears roll down my face!

"why are you so sad? Why are you crying?" someone asks.
Who's asking? I don't see anyone around me!
"Why are you so sad?" the voice repeats.
"I feel alone. And it's not a physical loneliness, it's some kind of loneliness that you only feel within. I feel like burst…

The Kitten

So this is the kitten I mentioned about two months ago, in a post. I am not sure if I have mentioned her in this blog or in the other one, but this is my baby, the one cat who keeps biting and scratching, that I have feeded with the baby cat's bottle, as she was way too young to eat (she didn't had any teeth, when she came home and barely could meow). I am way happy to have such preciosity in home, I enjoy when she hiddes and then attacks my legs. It doesn't matters when I am ignoring her, she keeps running after me, jumping to grab my legs, runs after me. The cat follows me around the house, when I am going to the toilet. She lays with my mum, while I am in the café, but when I arrive home, she simply leaves my mum behind and runs to me!
She's the new tenant in the house, that has been mentioned here or in the other one, at http://angelalucardpt.blogspot.com, the reason of my better mood in the late two months, the reason for me to run around the house. The reason th…

Unhappy?...

Why?...
Somtimes I do think that I would love to be living somewhere else in the world. Sometimes I repeat to myself that anywhere but in this wicked city, with these wicked people. Then I stop... I take a deep breath... and I do realise that if I am feeling this way, nowhere in the world would be safe from my unliking. Anywhere in the world would be a terrible place for me to be! Anywhere in the world would be the wrong village, the wrong city or the wrong neighboorhood. The people would always be the wrong people. I would be unhappy and unsatisfied with everything, including my self, no matter wherever I was and whoever would be with me. I need to relax, I need to heal the wounds within me and only then I am "available" to decide if I want to move somwhere else or if I want to simply stay here!
It's not the time to think wherever I would like to be at this time of my life. I haven't worked to achieve such goals. I am not where I dreamed to be at the age of 25. I a…

AMOROSA

Yes, it's true!! I no longer wear black clothes or boots! I no longer wear the goth or metal head dude! I don't wear that black make-up, that you got used to see me! But is that a reason for you not to talk to me and not even look at my face? Is that a reason for you to simply turn your eyes aside, so you can pretend you haven't seen me? You're not a friend of mine. I am not a friend of yours and possibly I shouldn't be wasting these precious minutes typing about you. Possibly, you don't even mention me as an acquaintance! But still I make a sign to you, with my head, as if you weren't ignoring me! Stupid girl! Stupid me! Who's stupid, from the two of us? Possibly you, for your action! Possibly me for caring! Possibly both of us, for accepting this action from life, each one of us at his/her own way!
It's afternoon! It's hot! There are some dudes out there I could fuck! There's this sexy indian dude I mention quite often here, in this blog,…

That Moment...

...when you're trying to identify the source of a certain problem and then you simply realise that due to all the choices that you've made, your problem has various sources. I mean, it doesn't means that the problem has various sources, but you know that you have multiple choices, multiple possibilities of sources for your problem and then you can not uncode which one has been the real source.

That moment when you're in a cyber store, struggling to send resumes to get a job and then spend the remaining time to blog or see your social networks and nyou realise that someone in the computer by your side, is "spying" you, as if that person was simply wanting to see whatever are you doing. Or when you realise that you are spending your money in things that you need to do to improve your life, while other people are simply watching animes (like the dude by my side, right now) or they're simply watching porn (as another dude, in another day). I mean, I do enjoy t…

It's time to say goodbye...

...to reality! It's time to say goodbye to what's been left behind! It's time to let go of those people that we weren't supposed to have! It's time to say goodbye to fantasies and illusions, to those fantasies and illusions which only purpose is to hurt ourselves! It's time to start walking in the knife's blaze, to get it done for real! It's time to open our eyes to what's real! Say, I'm saying it:

 It's pretty easier to speak out of my mouth, than to put it into the action, but I do realised that I do need to do other stuffs, than to sit back in the café, enjoying people's convos, annoying behaviours, side looks and god knows what else. Plus, the older, the less patience to stand them. The older, the less will I have to have some people around me; some of them are OK, just GREAT to have them with me, mbut most of the others... Simply time to let go of them and to get any other "behaviour" to myself!

Missing Places... Missing People...

And still goes on how I miss my little land in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't matters how old I'm getting, but seems that as the years pass by, it gets harder to say goodbye, to stop seing people for another year, to just chat with them via phonecalls or via textings. To some of them, it might be enough, but it isn't enough for me. I think of my walks in the road, to reach to any neighboor village. At night, in certain points of the road, there were no light, except for the moonlight, when it wasn't New Moon. I think now about the night I went to take my cousin at our grandparent's house, at night, as I was going to a Festa (party) with a friend and an acquaintance of him. The moonlight between the trees, lightning the dark road during the night. I couldn't see more than parts of the ground, lots of trees around me. The silver blue light of the moon, showing me branches, big trees, covering my way with the darkness... It was scary and I never thought I woul…

If My Secrets Were Revealed...

...would you still love me? Would you still be my friends? Would you still stand by my side, whenever I needed you? These answers will get without an aswer from some people. I am not affraid of being judged by you, of getting a hard look from you, I am just curious, from times to times.

I try to stop thinking, whgen that's beating me pretty hard. I try to get foccused on anything else, but, from times to times, that doesn't works by itself. Then, seems that my friend is guessing what going wrong and calls. We hit the Tequila.

Shots of Tequila... Well, surely that the problem doesn't disapears, but for a few hours I'll be just fine. And I am a bit slow typing today. Perhaps it's due to being hungover or due to the heat... Just needing to "shot" down some words... Just needing to think about my secrets. Too many and too evil...

Been chillin' out last night, after a week at home... And it felt GOOOOOD!!!! :)

Back Home...

...and I am still making the plans of what I do want to change! I don't want to make plans massively, because that will just work as an overwhelming idea, that I possibly will not manage to work them all at the same time, getting sad, disapointed and frustrated. Like it should be with everything, baby steps, until I "afford" the right to walk as a giant!!
First then anything, I need my job and when I get a job and get paid, I will have to fix my laptop and get internet. All the rest... Well, all the thinjgs I need are important. I am not working towards a simple wish of I want and I will get it!! I will work towards to get the things I need first, then I will just see what will happen. I surely will try not to make the same mistakes that I alwas did!
I want to reach the things: I need to work to get them and I will work for it, it doesn't matters how hard it'll be!

So Trying to write something...

...although I have said I wouldn't try it today. I think and I keep thinbking on the land and on the people I have left behind, when I have returned to this wicked city.

I think now of a post of my friend E. V.. She said she would love to move to a place where there were no people, only a tiny waterfall. Despite the waterfall and mossy rocks, I do believe that she would love to have the nature all around her, including a black sky at night with millions, billions of shinning points. I do have the chance of moving somewhere like that, where the past is present in the bare fallen houses. Where the mounts and the hills still keep some parts where people used to work the fields. Where wildberries grow, due to the abandon. There's no waterfall, but that's a place in the middle of the nature and all I need is a driver's license and a car, so I can go to a city, everytime I feel the urge of seing more people, different people and more movement.

I am back to this city and my t…

One Last Entry...

...before leaving to the North of the country, to the same house where I used to spend my vacations with my grand dad! I will spend about two weeks or two weeks and a hald there! I will spend some great days with some friends; some of them live in France; one of the girls lives in London (England). Some of them live quite close from me, but we only see each others on Summer! I am leaving the paraphernalia of the cities behind for a few days and I do have to admit that I am needing it!!
I have made some mistakes. I have abused of alcohol and hash. The car has been stolen and since it's a theft, there's cop involved. Some of the people I hang around with are not the models of virtue, which means that having the cops following us is not that good, as it would be in another times, that everything related to cops in my life would be sexual fantasies. So thank Goth that I am leaving tomorrow, for a few days. I will let the dust settle and I will see how things are at the time I ret…

Music Sharing And Past "Tour"

The previous post was just an idea I was having for a while by now! I have most of my CD's at my aunt's house,as when I had the laptop, all my musics was there, in mp3 format. A few days ago, I decided to get in three CD's that a high school friend of mine (back to the past, huh?) burned for me, as I asked her to do so. Those three songs were some of my favourites there! I was also mad about Outlaw Stars, so it's understandable that at least one of the songs in the soundtrack used to please me!
I do miss the times I used to arrive home and then just put my backpack down to see animes, such as Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, Outlaw Stars, Lost Universe. Back to the times I used to write (or that I really tried to, instead lying to the others and to myself) my stories, most of my inspiration was from animes and other comics/cartoons. The soundtracks also used to make me dream and get some inspiration for my writings. Nowadays, I do not see animes anymore (I am watching Dragon B…

Music Sharing

When The Night Goes Longer...

... then people was expecting! And I  think I am talking by everyone inside this café, almost at 4 a.m. Drunk and high! Perhaps we are ruining ourselves, but I do have to say that most of us are happy. If we are not, we're fighting for such thing: happiness!


It doesn't really matters how older or ruined we do look like. It doesn't matters how older we do look like! It's no longer August 1st, but I am still celebrating my birthday! I am happy! Perhaps happier than ever before!

People returning... and people acting up...

Seems that today is another crazy day! I am almost guessing that not even on my grand dad's house (miss you, grandpa! R.I.P.) I will loose the insanity in my life! I am not going to have any regular vacations! Crazy things keep happening! 
There are people returning... they're not returning from the dead, but it is almost a way of seing it! People whom I knew they were around, but they simply wasn't coming around here! There are people who know are acting up, like nothing has ever happened. It feels way good, somehow... Those who "return from the dead", keep looking at me, although their look is more direct now. You still look at me, you almost don't hide it! You are the one leaving the place, when I am around! I do still feel bothered, but I won't be let you bring me down, I won't allow you the simply right to move a finger! In Sofy's car, sat at her seat, with the legs outside the car, I have seen you through the smoke of the joint! I have seen…

The Stolen Car

So back to the weekend! Back to the man in my bed! Back to the lost purse of my friend! Alongside with this purse, he has lost his car keys, money, documents. My friend S. called me right after the lunch and I was thinking she was calling me for a coffee, but then she hitted me with such a bomb: his car has been stolen during the night! Plus, she also said the he reported the stealing to the cops (what's just natural!) and I heard that it would be way better that we all from that night went to the police station to give our names out! He mistrusts two women who was with us all night long. Mother and daughter, who works as escorts, that went with us to the disco and who just pestered people all night long! Such as S. said, we went out, trusting people around us and the day we take any outsiders with us, there's something like that happening!
I wanted to vent this out! I have to confess that I am a bit hungover yet and I am not planning on going to the café now. I want to go th…

When I think that nothing can surprise me anymore...

... or when I think that no one will ever surprise me again, here comes a dude to makes that just an old chimera. There's someone who always makes something that turns my world and my beliefs upside down. I make the mistake and I am now wanting to simply run away from it. But it was such a pleasant mistake... But still a mistake!! Something that was never supposed to happen.

I usedf to be almost a momnth without going out. Sometimes, I used to spend way more time inside the house, than in the outside... at the moment, I spend most of nights out, I arrive home at lunch time or even later!

Dancing With The Soul

OK, so I really need to decide what I do really want to do! I do really need to decide on how I do want to work with my blogs.

Dancing with my soul... I wrote in one of my other blogs, but I deleted such entry right away. There were stuffs there that were way too personal - I will keep them for my diary. There's nothing way too personal that I can not write in my diaries. But in the other hand, there is something way too personal, that I almost do not admit it to myself. But what happnened the last night is not one of them... Part of my amnesia is not something I would like to hide...

My eyes are set on the gorgeous Indian man of the store. I imegine stuffs... I have ideas... But they end up being only ideas and fantasies... Things that I possibly will write in a short porn / eros. Time to leave... Time to go. One hour = €1. I still have other stuffs to do out there. I still have a walk to give, although I might not walk so far as I was thinking.

Incense sticks are burning in th…

Days... Thoughts...

No pressure... yet! No hurry... yet! Been listening to music, checking Facebook and now am here, writing this. I had something to say, that had nothing to do with sea, sunset, Summer, etc., but this means nothing. Lately, I think on what I do want to write on my blogs, on what I would like to share with people, but I end up writing something completing different of what I first planned! Same is going on today...

No beach for me today. Went to lunch with a friend, her daughter and a friend of ours. In the Brazilian restaurant, I just noticed one of the waiters. A very handsome, muscular waiter. Then we went shopping with her. We hanged around. We came up to our city. We smoked one. I just feed the kitten and here I am!!

I decided to share something. And that something just gone away. I decided to show a different thing. I decided to change. It's hard, but to decide is just a tiny step. It's far from being the change itself, but it's an idea. Not even an action, but an idea…

A New Tenant In The House And A Day Of Beach

Yesterday in the afternoon, after my mom arrive from the beach and from her friend's daughter house, she brought a very dark, furry spot in her right arm. It was a kitty, with a few days of life, that someone abandoned. My mum's friend insisted so much, said that she would pay the vet to the kitty and all those stuffs, what convinced my mum. Our older cat died last Summer, and he the only one we had since the younger one died. Both Cats died without being seen by a vet. The reason was, my mum's money is not enough for all the stuffs required: pay the house, the bills, animals food and the whole bunch to be paid off. And the fact that I am not working doesn't helps, but still the kitty is now in my kitchen, I just gave him his milk and came off to write a bit, to brag a bit, to check facebook and the ordinary errands that Internet demands.

I just arrived from the beach. Spent the whole morning and the greatest part of the afternoon there. I have a little sun burnt in my…