Friday, December 28, 2012

And Days Pass By

Just been with a girl friend of mine. It's been a while since we've had a coffee, but this quickie served well! The boy, working his body, was there, half naked. Too bad he wasn't naked in my bed! People are around there, people keep living, doing and saying things, they keep behaving, putting me aside with stuffs/words/actions. I still think that it would be the best for me to walk away, but then again, I am addicted in that café!

My girl friend also saw Logan McCree in my blog and I have showed her some pictures of him, on google. She got amazed! I am amazed and addicted in that men since I first saw him! Well, I think that with that man, I would start considering to turn a monogamic creature!! :P

Eheh, days pass by, I keep fantasizing, living and dreaming! In the end, that'll be my escape from the bad things, as it has always been!!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Been busy doing nothing...

the last few days. Then again, it has been Christmas, and between holiday, getting high and drunk with friends, thinking and analyising the situation of my life (including a job I got and that I am thinking on refusing, as I won't get paid if I do not get contracts for TV, home phone and Internet services, as most people arte struggling with bills to pay and if they don't have those services already, they're not wishing to get them), I have been busy doing nothing.

Dead men do not walk, but some of the people that you start to wonder if they're dead or not, seem to enjoy showing up. You throw at their faces how shitty their actions are, they accept them, but never without a fight, then they start hanging around with you like if nothing has happened!

Drunk people shouldn't be condemned by their words or their actions, if they haven't killed anyone. But when they're drunk, their actions speak louder than when they're sobber: nthere's no lies beneath words/actions and thoughts!

I am not a drug dealer. I know a few hash dealers and so people feel free to call or text me to get them some hash, so they can improve to do their joints. Get lost, as I am not a dealer, so I don't need such things: I don't need that copos look even further to me, I don't need that my phone is "listened" and tracked, due to your calls/texts.

Getting a job seems a hard task, especially around this season (Christmas and New Year's eves). But when you feel trapped between the loyalty to a friend, who got you a job, no matter how shitty and how sure you are that you won't get paid, and when you're not getting any results on the hunting... Dammed!!

So this is it!! Been busy doing nothing! If your humour is quite easy to be caught, joing a bottle or two of Tequila and a few joints... Dammed!! You'll be doing nothing, by doing quite a lot, as standing assholes!!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Playing Tribalwars Again

And praying that I do not get "unused" to this! Used to play this a while ago, but then lost my internet connection. My village's been conquered! Decided to try again, in the hope to be able to visit it at least ojne time a day, with my mobile (or a new mobile, if it applies!)! Decieed to try Grepolis either, but still too confusing for me, so I think I'll have to leave Grepolis for later on!

Playing tribalwars... Well, thought about coming to the internet, to recreate my account on tribalwars. €1 for a game: cool! Used to enjoy playing it,m although it can be such a boring game, as it's all strategy, with no action to see, as Age Of Empires.


Anyways... this might be s tupid topic. I am not caring anymore: I simply want to have fun and enjoy the world and life. All the rest is crap!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Closed Eyes

And allowing the rain to fall over me! Allowing myself to try a rain's bath! Allowing the sadness to be clean: it's a dirty sadness, due to the murdered buddy!

Short entry! Not much to say! And maybe there are quite a lot to say... i simply can not find the words!

Friday, December 07, 2012

Taking The Time

I am taking the time to stop by and smell the flowers. I am taking the time to walk in the Wintry gardens, with dead leaves everywhere. i am taking the time to walk under the rain, with my umbrella open, listening to the rain falling over it. I am taking the time to tweet to some pornographivc actors that I didn't even knew or seen, if I did, I haven't noticed them (Logan Mc Cree is my big man!). I am taking the time to enjoy some stuffs and am taking the time to try to forgive some atitudes from people. I am taking the time relax and not punch this fucking tranny sitted by my side, speaking creole and not shutting the fuck up, while I am trying to type. The THING keeps turning the chair, hitting mine, unfoccusing me from what I am wanting to type. From times to times, she/he/it/what-fucking-ever looks at me, as I do type quite fastg and the noisy keyboard stops her/him/it/what-fucking-ever to listen to what the dude/tranny/girl/thing/whoever's in the other side (I saw a HUGE black man, but we never know) says!

I am now taking the time to live!! Of course, I will have to get a job soon, but this will not stop me from taking the time to enjoy my life at it's fullest, to live at my own way, smoke my joints and enjoy the high flyings!

I am taking the time to believe in a better day which is coming!

Thursday, December 06, 2012

The house in the beach


Listening to this song, I do imgine myself awaiting for my love, sitted inside the house in the beach. The door wouldn't be shut, but it wouldn't be open either... Some kind of black curtains would be dancing with the wind. The fog outside would almost cover the view of the sea. The sea would be singing for the one who has been gone in itself. ~The smoke of my cigarette would be raising to the ceiling.

I think on how amazing it would be to live near the sea. The world wouldn't matters anymore. No one would ever be important anymore. I would be one with the sea and the sand and the fog and the sun and the night.

I do imagine the steps in the ground.... And then, just silence... One more cigarette and nothing else, anymore...

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Farewell?!

I am wanting to create a blog. A central blog, where I can put all the same work that I have been putting here, since I have created these blogs!

I went to sleep thinking about this and then I got up thinking about it! I do have three blogs and perhaps it would be for the very best to get a neew one, since I don't know any way to make a fusion between at least two of my blogs! If I could do that, I'll gladly would...

This way, I am thinking on getting a fourth blog, to where I'll be "moving to". These ones will be here, but I might be moving ahead, as three blogs can be a truly harsh work to stand! I am pretty proud of what I've been doing here, since I was barely a teen.

Anyways, if that ever happehns, I might stay around blogspot. If not, I would be around wordpress or anything similar. I am thinking, for a while now, about getting an account on tumblr. ^But that won't be for now... Maybe if I get an android mobilke for Christmas! Eheheh!!

Anyways, do not worry, I won't be going anywhere for now!!

Monday, December 03, 2012

Connections


 
Here's something quite awesome! Here's something to bring tears to my eyes! Vinícius de Moraes singing at Amália Rodrigues' house! One poem that he has writen for her to sing! The poet gives a quite gloomy sound to the song! But the poet knows what he's doing! The poet knows the dance of the voice; the poet knows who he's singing to!
 

Amália, in her living room, listens to him and absorbs the feeling! Amália Rodrigues, in all her entire magnificence, absorbs what she got to feel, the way she has to sing the song!
 
Amália says: now I am going to try!
 
Jusat imagine it like at 3 a.m., smoke of cigarettes in the air, lots of people around the sofas. Papers everywhere, with poems, with sketches of poems, ways to turn them into a song! Just imagine how would you feel inside that room!
 
Ditature! State police! No freedom to speak out loud whatever you wanted to (and we're losing this nowadays)! 

 
I feel just this amazed, to the point of imagine being part of such nights. Or to simply be a part of a new group of the kind!
 
It's just wonderful to dream and to imagine! It's just amazing to simply let ourselves go this way!
 
Connections of souls... Brasil seems to hate Portugal! Such things that I know from others! In Portugal there are stupid jokes of Brazilians! I have a Brazilian cousin and I love her! Amália was Portuguese! Vinícius was Brazilian! And we see how wonderful that friendship worked out!
 
Connections!
 
We're all connected
 
We all love!
 
We all hate!
 
But we all have the common truth of being alive!

Sunday, December 02, 2012

Shocking?...

I think that things aren't that shocking! I am not any hottie! I am not a hunk! I am not a "butterfly" or  "little flower"! Almost kidding (almost serious!), I have said that I am an homophobic faggot! I care not on being gay, I do love being gay, I do love men, but I couldn't stnd other gy dudes around me: I tend to shoo them away! I have been introduced to a few gay dudes in my life, but I mostly prefered to stand alone, than to have them around, especially if they have the "broken wrist" on!

I have found a profile of a very sexy dude, with all his muscles on, with a body filled with tattoos! The text of the profile was a very nice one, someone who could defend all those who would like to shock and shake the world! Sexy dude, openly gay: shocking?... It has been for me, I have to say! I have learned that, although I am openly gay to friends, it's for the best to keep shut and quiet about your sexuality: the place I live at is a very harsh place to be this free!


This dude hasn't said anything, but I wasn't looking for any kind of answer! I want simply to let things be! I will be myself, as I have always been... About all the others?... Screw them, especially if you're gay: I'm an Homophobic Faggot!!

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Thinking About The Sea


 
about how I miss it! About I am needing to see the sea, to feel the sea, to kiss the sea! About how much time I would need, how much hashish I would need to feel healed: the next time this hits me this way, I might not allow myself to calm down to tell the tale!
 
I am thinking about the sea: I need to walk in the beach, to sing, to run, to laugh, to cry, to roll in the sand. I need to let these shadows to get out of me! I need to surpass the spirit itself! My soul is not in peace! My body is not in peace! Days keep passing by and the most I laugh, the sadest I feel: I feel sad, day by day, just because I can't laugh with a real feeling of happiness! What I get is never enough and I can n't let go of such feelings! My soul feels like bleeding, but no one's seing the blood dripping outta me! No one's seing the wounds!
 
I am thinking on how wonderful it would be to be listening to the sea singing to me. By my side, a lover, about to hug or fuck me hard! Or maybe, a knife or any knid of blade, about to cut my wrists again, as when I used to self-harm! And the sea would sing for me... The sea would cry with me!

Wishing...

...that some things go as I want them to! At least this time, I do hope that I can change anything in my life, by getting anything I want! I am praying for Christmas week: I am not praying for the money or for the mobile I secretely want, I am wishing that dude which is coming to Portugal for the season. We have a pending conversation for a while now, I am suffering before the time as come and I have already ordered a little bit of hashish to a friend of mine: I don't want to get highed before going to talk with that dude, I want to get highed after the conversations, as I know it'll help me to relax and I know I will need it!

Wishing that at least this time, things can go as planned: but life never allows things to go as we plan them. At least, not at 100%, so I need to count on any kind on disapointment: I don't care! My plans aren't unperfect, I do not plan them at the minimal move, but I do wish some things...

As well as I wish I could improve my Facebook or Twitter accounts with imges that I hve downloded from the internet or even with any pictures of mine: the bad thing with this is that by being in a cyber shop, I can not spend too much time personalising those accounts, so I have to do little things, with  tiny amount of time!

Wishing that at least today, joy will remain until the end of the night! I won't be highed at the birthday party, I won't be drunk, so I can not promise to anyone, not even to my friend Miriam, or to the birthday boy, her boyfriend Marcos, that I will be the image of joy: I can only promise that I will try to!

Wishing my cigarettes, but still haing a little time to enjoy here: how many wrong things would I be doing at home, in my bed, with my laptop and the camera on?

Friday, November 30, 2012

Oh...

...things aren't what they're looking like!

"Oh! He's lying..."

No, I am not lying; I am just hiding certain truths from certain people! Not everyone deserves to know some stuffs, others don't deserve to know other stuffs!

Oh... And people wait to know the good news and they're not popping out! The good news are not popping out!

Oh... And it rains and I let my secrets go away with the rains: hoping for a bit of the sea, but it's been impossible to be in the beach. I want to fly away and let my secrets vanish, to turn into dust, into ashes taken by the wind... More than never, I am feeling with a sword over my chest! More than ever before, I am feeling like the secrets were cracking and like if they were about to fell down over my head!

No one knows what's going within my mind, when I am laughing looking the far horizon! No one knows what I am feeling, when I am crying out loud (no one can see my tears). No one seems to care if things are OK: people do ask, but they seem to not really care!

Oh... I am thinking about other stuffs... And oh!... people aren't allowed to feel anything for me!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

And here comes...


 
...what I do feel and what I am! I have shared this song and the lyrics, a few months ago! This song is quite too much of what I truly am! This song is quite too much of my soul... Being crazy and insane, trying to simply being ourselves, walking up and down the streets, feeling our lovers' arms around us, but people still not understanding and not caring to try to understand! Especially our lovers, that should be the first ones to care to try to understand us, that should try to make us feel the most comfortable as possible, when we're being insane!
 
Here comes my soul... And here comes my soul begging for more songs like this... Begging for the creation to never stop being such a pleasure...
 
Loca... loca, loca, loca... :)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Wicked Hearing Aid

That wicked thing that I have to use to help me to listen, started "acting up". It seemed to be filtering the sounds, then it filtered simply the voices and when I did spoke a bit louder, it gone dead. I made the man of the store laugh when I said that I am not used to be a deaf anymore. I'm not completely deaf, but still listened very bad. The sounds were gone... some of the most ordinary sounds, like the cars' tires being scratched by the road, the rain in the umbrella or in the window... Some sounds that people doesn't realise anymore, as they're used to them or some of those people doesn't care about those sounds. I have gone to see what's wrong and I have been warned that it might be water bubbles, due to humidity, cold weather, hot air inside malls, cafés, etc. The next time this happens, I have to turn the hearing aid off, take it off and hit it... softly... poor me, needing to be violent to anyone or anything!

My mood isn't any better... it goes from bad, to better, to worse and even worse. This kinda things don't help at all, but oh well!! I need to keep living... or surviving at least... so my joints do help to think less and, sometimes, to act more!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Here comes another week

knowing that there's nothing too much which's going to change! I do know that, although Sundays are bored, I am getting a week full of nothingness! I am trying to get people to chat/text with, but it seems a hard task. I am trying to allow time to pass faster until the Christmas week (and it's not due to Christmas), but it's an impossible task, unlçess I get distracted with pleasant thing in the meantimes!

Here comes another week of thinking a little bit too much: I will think in my mistakes, in the things that I have done wrongly, in the things that I should do and that I am not doing. But well, I cannot stop days from passing by: all i could do is to put an effort on the task to change things, but still not doing such thing.

Until when?

Sunday, November 25, 2012

One night out...

in a friend's birthday party! We've been in the middle of the fields, with a bonfire to warm up! The rain's started hitting hard and then we've moved to a place where the rain did not touched us, but it was cold! JR's 23rd birthday, so she deserved the presence of the people who were there, eventhough I didnt't liked some of them! Eventhough I didn't knew most of the people who were there!! But JR's deserved that I have decided to spend my night with her and her grilffriend! She deserved that I have taken this night to stay out and although my mum is truly pissed off at me today, JR deserved that I am now passing through this! She's been in my life for 5 or 6 years now and I have to be honest that I wouldn't expect that she would want my presence there: I like JR quite a lot, but I have never realised of how much she liked me. And that's a reason for me to feel happy: people come and go, but real friends come and never leave again, even if we're years or months witouth seing each others!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JR!!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Typing...



withouth any special reason is the most precious! Typing just because you'd feel the urge to let things come out of your soul... singing just because the soul is singing... dancing with the wind, just because your soul feels like it... doing things without a single reason for doing them is the most precious way of doing things! And if you create as a soul saver, you'll know what I'm talking about!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Sadness

It hits me quite often. Especially since we got into Autumn/Fall (depends on how you call this season). Sadness covers my face, clouds my eyes and thoughts. And you... Always you!

I have seen your car yesterday. I have seen T.'s car yesterday. MAybe you were both at P.'s house, something that i have thought across the night, as the sleep was not coming over. I wish I could care less about when I see anything related to you, but it seems to be an impossible task. I can not care less or even to be careless about you, your presence, your existance. I love you and I will always love. Whatever has happened between the two of us (or what hasn't even happened!) doesn't really matters, since I am sure and aware of this love, kinda obsession!

Sadness... It makes me see the most beautiful images, between the destruction! Feeling... Truly feeling... Allowing me to see in this Autumn/Fall scenery, beautiful images, making me create beautiful paintings in my mind. Allowing me to travel to unknow worlds (unknown to the others, as such realities belong to my own mind).

I finally managed to put the screen of my old computer to work. It takes me a few bounces on it, a few hits, but it works in the end. Finally, inserted Enigme in my mp3 again, what will allow me to create mentally and then, when my mind is about to burst, I can finally put my hands to work and start typing my ideas. What's always wrong with thi9s, is when I have to begin: I am not being lazy, but the begginings are always the hardest parts to be writen!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Raining Again

And raining hard! Left home without nan umbrella, because we was having a sunny afternoon and then, it started raining: first, a soft rain, then it started hitting hard! I have been in the café, bought rolling papers (I bet you can guess what I want such papers for), then thought: what if I kept the money that's left? I realised that I was wanting and needing to go to the Internet. Needing to type anything down! Needing to say something!!

It's raining again... The blue sky, turned into a grey/yellow mixture, as the sun was being "killed" by the clouds, then it turned completely grey. the rain hasn't waited mfor too long until it shows up! The rain has waited for too long, but it's been so good... Walking under the rain drops, feeling them hitting my face, leaving my clothes wet. It always worths the walk under the rain. I wish I ws in the beach, right now, with a playlist in my mobile that I would create for that purpose only, feeling the sea's words! The sea is a great healer for my wounds, but u8nfortunatelly, I can't go there and see him as much as I wanted to!

it's raining again... And it's only missing the sea... it's only missing a little bit of peace!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Nothing Changes, But The Action!

things simply keep going the way they have always been going: sadness, depression hits from times to times and the way I find to heal my mind is by gettin' truly high and pervert! I can touch myself, wank 20 times a day, see porn movies or pictures! I don't paint anymore... I do try to draw, from times to times, but the result doesn't suits me: I need to study a bit more! I write and I try to be as honest as possible, but still the result doesn't pleases me: I keep trying and, from times to times, I can get the result, get the idea turned into action, until I delete stuffs! Then I turn pervert: I don't have such a crazy sexual life as I have had previously, but I do still have crazy fantasies! What remains, is the interest:
men! Everything remains the same! My interests, my ideas, what has changed, has been the action!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Extremely Annoyed!!

Trying to type this damned entry for minutes and had it deleted. Blank Internet window (apart from all the buttons and all the links I can use) open, my mind swirling so fast, that I think I am being dragged to Hell: but no, Hell is right here, in this world, in this life! I have been sad and things truly end going from a simple sadness to a deep depression! Two months ago, cutted myself ago: lame, I know, for those who think it's just relted to emo styles, but things have had to be done this way. The 4 wounds lasted for a few days, then they turned into simple scars in my left arm. Brand new scars! Things are more than simple depression and more than simple annoying: there are days that I am terribly pissed off, almost willing I could hit someone to death (bring me one of those pedophiles I read about on newspapers and allow me to spend one hour with them. Then call the docs and the cops to carry the corpse out!). Others, I wish I ws walking around the streets and that a demented man was following me. I would lead him into the woods and rips his entrais inside out! but this is just my imagination working: I could work on many tortures to do some people that unplease me! Just dreaming... just fantasizing...

I am here, simply typing: just checked my facebook and my twitter! Checked my profile on manhunt.net and in one of the many gay-porn related twitter profiles that I am following, I saw one link leading to a video of a white man doing a blowjob to a black dude: in my right side, there's a young black man, who seems to be masturbating, while he checks the computer. his hand rubs his cock, up and down, from times to times, he puts it inside the pants. I don't need to stare at himm to understand and realise that. He seems not to be very worried about the fact that I might have understood! I would be pleased in normal situations... My dick is hard, as the "thing" pleases it, but my mind is annoyed! I am annoyed and my desire at this moment is to close my fist and hits the guy's dick and balls! He wouldn't be pleased, but I surely would end up more calm! I am not going to do this, I am simply ignoring the situation and let it go... Most of things in my life end up that way, I ignore them, it doesn't matters how much they please me, I turn my back and walk away! It is not that I am not going to fight for them, but it's the conscience I have of how impossible it is for me to make such dreams turn real at the exact moment!

Bought a new notebook... The last time that I have counted all the poems that I have typed, from the original handwriten files, I had over than 750 poems. I have writen way many more since then and I haven't typed all of them, so I do imagine all the hours in front of a computer typing them... Honestly? I am not worried: perhaps it would be such a terapeuthic thing, but I don't have any computer at home working now. and even here... I need to leave. Five minutes left...

Thursday, November 08, 2012

A Dream

The room is dark! The silence reigns and it's only broken by your breathing in my neck! I am naked in the bed and I did believed I was alone... I get up and go to the window. The bed is now empty. It was just a dream! I lighten up a cigarette and I let myself go in this madness of minutes!

Now, the night is chilling outside! Almost dinner time and I am fantasizing about a conversation that I am going to have in December: I do fantasize with fantastic options for that same conversation! I do fantasize with fantastic options for waht that man is going to say to me! I know that we don't really know each other, but still have some stuffs in common. He was the only person that I have thought about, when I have been in the hospital, two years ago. You? You are and you will always be my love! All the others? They'll be simple fantasies to me, that'll never work good enough, that'll never be good enough! And only you (and it's not you who are going to talk with me in about one month and a half!) could heal these wounds. Or at least, to help them not to hurt anymore!

Monday, November 05, 2012

Last Night's Song

While walking down the barely empty street, a certain song appeared in my mind! I started humming it, while I kept walking down the street! A cop, at a pharmacy's door, stared at me with mean eyes. An old man, stared me in a way that seemed he was going to kill me! My mood is not the best, but definitely, things are Ok! Maybe not mentally, nor spiritually, but physically things are better than ever before!

This song accompanied me all day long! I have had the need to come to the Internet, just to listen the music. my very old computer wrecked. And even if it were working, I could never read DVD's in my CD's reader. My laptop is still waiting to be fixed, what means that I can't extract the musics from my DVD's and this one is, for sure, inside those same and wicked DVD's!

My mood is not the best... My mood hasn't been the best for a few months, now! I imagine an Austrian garden, with it's woods surrounding me, falling leaves dance around me with the wind, while I straighten my jacket... In my ears, this song which haunted me, which haunts me since last night. Ahead, a few statues seem to stare me. The demon walks by side... He tempts me, but I ignore him! A bit more ahead, an angel... the same atitude from me! Nothing means nothing, when you're feeling nothing! Confusing? Maybe not!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Thunderstorm

And it's raining as if the sky was tearing apart. Tears of Gods and/or Goddesses! Lightenings rippping the sky, thunders breaking the silence. My mobile vibrates, as my mum's calling me (it's 5 a.m., seems the world is ending and I do not show up, neither answer the phone. I prefer to stand the yellings at home).I look through the glass and I am seing the rain drops hitting the glass violently: there's a kind of peace way too big in this scenarium; far in the horizon, the tower of the church with the blue cross.

I am thinking and daydreaming on one converstaion that a girl have had with me yesterday. Her idea of me immigrating would be due to the narrow minds in this country, the lack of chances: I am fine with the lack of chances, since I am in my country and narrow minds don't deal with me! But since yesterday, I have seriously thought on those girl's words: they're serious and honest and she was drunk. From the drunk's mouth comes the most honest truth: it is knows that even children lie, how could not a drunk woman pretend any kind of concerning?


My back and my butt hurt, I am sitting in this chair for hours. I am thinking on the walk down the avenue, through the park and through my apartment's door: my mother will be waiting for me, like a dragon in the dark, so she can yells at her will. It's heavily raining, so I doubt that any kind of robbers or even my murderer might be outside. The rain is my angel in this night, but still is this kind of weather the cause of my depressive thoughts of the latest days, or so I think/believe!


I have just rolled one cigarette: one last for the walk that's waiting me. And this is how I am closing this post: staring at the smoke, trying to discover any nice/beautiful drawings in it. Perhaps there's a ghost coming off the smoke of my cigarette, perhaps my soul's starts floating and abandins my dead body in this chair.


Who knows? Who would ever care?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Card Games

I am at my friend's C. house. There are her boyfriend, his cousin and his cousin's husband here too. They are playing cards. I want to play too, but the game allow four people to play only. So I am here, in front of the laptop, typing this entry, right after I have been seing my Facebook, seing some pictures, posting some stuffs... Still pondering on deleting my Facebook account, althought I won't do it now. Perhaps I won't do it AT ALL, but still is a good thing to think about. Perhaps, I might think on creating the so famous second account, but without being the secret account that I was wanting to create, due to some ideas for another blog.

I hear the cards hitting the table, after my friend picks them. I want to play! They talk, comment on the game and laugh. I simply get foccused on the laptop's keyboard and on the laptop's screen. They laugh out loud and do anoither comment and I take a glimpse and the gambling group.

Card games... We could think on tarot deck, cards being thrown on the table, smoke of cigars. I hear one of them talking about leaving and I am now thinking on the streets that I have to walk. Perhaps it's raining outside. Perhaps the sky is clean and it'll allow me to see the moon (which is the mon's phase tonight?).

I am not sure of what I do want from life. Today, I am not even sure if I want to keep going on this life. It's a phase. It's always a phase. Feeling sad is part of me, although I am not mentioning it all the time. My desire of Death is here either, but I am not mentioning it either. I still feel the burning fire within my soul, but I prefer to shut it up and keep it for poetry. Poetry is now my haven: used to paint, but decided to stop until I mange to study again. There's no job in sight yet, but I do want to get back to my studies, if I get a job which allows me to.

I am leaving in a few minutes, but my thoughts will follow me.

Monday, October 22, 2012

3 blogs, 3 entries

And here goes the entry number 3! i will niot complain again on the computer which hasn't read my DVD, so I can not listen to the music. I will not complain on my terrible mood either. I will not complain on the €0,50 I have spent uselessly: they are spent now, so there's no turn back. Complaining will not solve it!

I have exactly three blogs at this moment: I am planning on leaving a link to any other blog of mine, if I get a "central blog", where all the blogs will go. In the other side, I am also thinking on simply deleting these blogs: they are worthless, useless (are they?)! I think that they can be a waste of my time and money (yes, money, as I have to pay for half an hour of internet to come here), from times to times. I pay for the half an hour of Internet, simply to blog. There are days that I don't even open the Facebook or Twitter. What for? To see the same complaints over and over? To see some people seeking attention, in an endless quest?? Nah, thanks! I have already thought on deleting my Facebook account... I have had serious "fights" with myself: some voices within me say "yes, go for it, delete that wicked account", while others say: "no, keep it, think of the people who you keep in touch due to that social-shit!". My social life does not depends on Facebook and this way, I wouldn't read to the same old complaints. My family knows whom has my mobile number, so if they want to contact me, they can always give it a try: I just can't promise that I won't tell them to fuck themselves! But these longings are nothing: they will have to be decided in time and once the decision is made, I will need to have my own computer and Internet, because half an hour will not be enough. One hour won't be enough.

This is the third entry, but this is my first blog! I am deleting one of the entries and typing a new one: I do not feel comfortable with what has been typed and published in it, so I do need to try, before the warning of time out.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Depressed and without patience

Looks like the clouds came down from the sky just to bring my mood down too! Looks like that people's attitudes serve the only purpose to hurt us! I don't want to walk all that way to go and drink one coffee, which means I am not good at all! I don't want to walk all that way, with you or alone, to drink a wicked coffee, and you said: "don't worry, I won't call you ever again!". Yeah, right, mum! I won't wake me up for that again, until the next time!

I am moody! I am sad and rather depressed! Why? I don't know! I wish it was this easy to know the source of our sadness/depression, to cut the crap by the root/source! But I really don't know why I am feeling this sad... Perhaps, I am right when I type about the clouds: since Autumn/Fall started, that I have noticed a higher rating of bad/depressive feelings and days with me. I have never noticed this before, but I do notice it now! I like Autumn/Fall, but I love Winter even more: what if I get even more depressed when Winter comes?? Summer looks too far now, although it's a hot day today... But the clouds... oh the clouds!!

I'd better shut this tearweep-like-entry here, before I start dripping all my sorrows here... and I don't want to start it again!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Wreck Of My Last Computer

SO my last computer wrecked... Tried to write something and the screen suddendly started shrinking, trembling and it only lasted a lightened line in the middle of the screen itself. I am not going to be paranoid... No, I am not... going... to... be... paranoid...!!!

In the end, the computer simply reacted to the use it had: none, but gaming. And not online gaming, but stupid games that you put a CD running and you find out that most games are children games. No creativity at all and the last time that i have typed handwriten poems has been a while ago. But the wreck of this last computer also came to remind me that nothing lasts forever and that I can not count on anyone else to help/solve my problems for me: It's my dutty to move my lazy ass and improve what I have been pretty lazy to do so.

Walked down the avenue and I was planning on what I wanted to write again. I realised how useless it was: in the end, what I have planned wouldn't come out. My mind could go blank. I could not find the cash to come on over here. Countless options that could lead to the mistyping of this entry. But the main thing is said: that wicked computer is wrecked! I am sick, got a bit more of cold last night and here I am, almost can't breathe, to eat and brush my teeth, while trying to breathe from my mouth is kind of a magic work. My head and my eyes are hurting, but I have no fever, otherwise I would be like high: feeling like floating, but without any drugs in my system. Oh well, time to close this here and to try to find some of my eye candy!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Caring Not = Excellence

Caring not would be the excellence of my actions, especially to myself! I would be better in my life and with my life itself! I would be happier! But no, I do care quite much with the others, that I almost forget of myself! I don't want to know why the fuck did you took such action: I do care and in other circumstances I would be looking for an answer for your action, little brat, but I don't want to be bothered with m,ore phonecalls like the one from your father last night, telling me that you're in the hospital again, possibly because you have tried to kill yourself again (you're 18!) and that you have run away from home, picked a train and did a trip of 3 hours and half inside a train, to reach almost 400 km's away! You want to go? Then just go! I do care, but I don't want to be bothered again!

I have tried to reach this far, by finding healtier and happier ways to cross the surface of the planet and to go through this life. I do drink and smoke hash (not healtier, but happier), I do listen to music (healtier and happier!), I do walk distances quite big, big enough for people to call me of crazy. At this moment, I am listening this chill out music from Spain. I am daydreaming, but my daydreaming goes darker, because all I can imagine is your fucking and bloody funeral! I am so sorry that I am not writing my sad notes... I am so sorry that my tone sounds so pissed off... But, esxcuse me, brat, I AM PISSED OFF! In a few minutes, my time here in the Internet, will end and I will not be able to keep listening to such songs, which are calming me down! So you'd better not ask for me tomorrow, when my mother takes the time and the effort to visit you, or I'd find a way to visit you and I will spank you in the hospital!

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Daydreaming

Sometimes, I do imagine myself living the same kind of Life that Julie Roberts on "Pretty Woman" and I do imagine my own richard Gere coming and rescuing me. Then I simply fall off the bed and do wake up!

A while ago, got my eyes trapped in a very sexy man: the dude was with the traffic policeman uniform, my eyes were nailed at his wonderful face, arms and ass and I almost forgot my real intention, which was to cross the road!

Monday, October 08, 2012

Last nigh, picked up a few papers that I have written. Some of them, were with accounts online infos. Others, were self-suggestions of games I used to play, the ways to improve my "life" in such games. Instead having the papers occupying space in my desk, I decided to type them, add some new infos and save them on a USB pen. Better start from little things, than not starting at all! And that's not the only thing I am wanting to start doing... Writing would be a blessing, but most of my time in my own comuter is occupied by playing the same old game, that I have played countless times, before having internet at home. Now I am without Internet at home, once again, needing to pay €1 everytime I want to come around. But well... i typed around 800 poems (I handwrite them, originally, only type them and change anything that displeases me at the time), have a few more to type and it'll happen someday/night soon. I am already feeling that urge to type those that have been written after all that work typing the previous ones. It might happen that I put the effort on typing original stuffs too.

I am in the Internet, or you wouldn't be reading this. I see now why the hell do check Facebook, Twitter and all the other stuffs only after have typed in my blogs. Messages entering: people doing me some proposals, people messaging me: they miss me or my letters, people typing to me, typing to me, typing to me... A neverending flood of poeple typing to me! But things are said. Such as it has happened quite a lot lately, I think on what I do want to write and when I am in front of the computer, with the keyboard cracking under my fingers, almost fuming the way I type fast (that's the reason for so many mistakes, as i don't check the text after typing it), I do have a blank mind. Nothing to be said! Nothing to be typed! and it could be months until the next entry... and perhaps it would be for the very best!

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

LOG OUT

Simply logging out Twitter and Facebook! I have seen what I had to see! I have read what I had to read! I have found out what I had to find out! Tried to write an entry, previously, but nothing's coming out, so here I am, doing one last attempt, althoguh I have a very good feeling this time! The kid on the cdomputer by my side keeps staring at my computer and keeps getting up and sitting down. He goes and speaks with the kids two computers by my left. He annoys me! He botters me! I could get unfoccused of my point, but this is not happening: curse of the Devil or gift of the Gods? Who knows? And who cares?

I just realised that the only place where my writings don't have any strings attaching my words and ideas, is here, on my blogs, or in my diary. In any other thing/support I compromise myself to write, with any other idea, I always choose carefully my words. I don't want to sound miseducated or careless about my writings. And my ideas wouldn't sound any bad or any wrong, they would sound a bit rude or harsh in the way I would write them. If those voices in my head were completely unleashed, without any kind of control, they would end up sounding a bit rude or harsh (such as i previously mentioned), some of them would sound mean, perhaps racist...

Ideas, ideas, ideas! Voices! Phrases! Single words! Places!

I wish, sometimes, I could log my mind/soul out, the same way we log facebook or twitter accounts out! If it was this simple, perhgaps some stuffs would be easier, but it wouldn't be so funny!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Sexy, sexy, sexy

Although I have decided to stop with my sexual life for a while now, I am not stupid and I am not blind! Especially when it comes to sexy pieces of meat inside uniforms, such as the sexy voiced cop from a while ago in the supermarket. Or any of his work mates who are there and that, from times to times, leave me uncomfortable with their staring. Perhaps they know me from other times, from other kind of "life"; I do say/type this quite a lot, but I know that's a chance.

Another sexy thing, is the dude on my left side, at this moment. He wears somekind of business suit, he has a cute face, sexy lips. Straight, or I believe so, but he wouldn't be anything else but an eyecandy, even if he were gay. At the moment, getting foccused on so many things, that perhaps including a sexual life woulod make me go nuts!

*there's a very old lady dressed in a black t-shirt and a black skirt, her hair is all messed up as if she were just in a fight*

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Proposals

I keep getting proposals. Sexual propossals, I should say, butn I think that everyone who follows or reads my blogs, even if it's from times to times only, would understand that!

Yesterday, wrote abou the old chat I used to go at and the other website, where you can see pictures! I have seen the pictures of some men, there, got a message from a dude, who has read my profile (I mentioned the hash, the drinking, that having fun and not being good at all) and he wrote: "Wow, I enjoyed your profile and I got to say that I love to fuck when I am high!" Way different from the dude who texts me and who I text, that keeps asking me to have a "session" with me, but he keeps criticizing me from smoking whether cigarettes or hash!

This another dude, after my refusal, he said that I could meet him and his friends! Some people can pay the beers (I don't drink beer), others will rool the hash joints (I can roll, but have no hash and sometimes no cigarettes), so I simply refuse his sweet offer! In the end, there would be second intentions involved anyway and I am not really into showing my another face to this sweet stranger!

Friday, September 28, 2012

The Old Websites

As a younger boy, who was constantly feeling lonely, I used to look on chats the company I couldn't find in my real life! Amazingly, I also find out I could play the "hard-to-get-silly-game" with anyone without exception, as no one knew how I was. I also find out it was almost like playing Role Playing Games, where you are whoever you want, with no restriction! I did opened a web-site with a chat, where you could turn your webcam on and play dirty games for other men to see and wank at the same time, if it pleased them. The lack of time, made me decide to shut the window, but here I am, writing about it.

There's another website, one where you can see dudes' pictures, read their profiles (if you're careful enough to do so, as most of them complain no one reads what they write and I am one of those who complains) and then you can send one message, though you have now a restrict number of messages per week. I have seen several pictures which pleased me. I have read several profiles which grabbed my attention, but still not looking for anything in particular. I am simply taking looks at the profiles and then, I am moving forward to the next profile. My idea is simply to see what they have to say. My idea is to see what they have to show. My idea is to feel less lonely, that I usually feel. But still get proposals that I continuosly refuse.

There's now a place where I am heading and it is not online! I am leaving, for the same reason as always, my time here is over, and I am going to grab something in my house and then I am heading to my aunt's place for dinner. I am cuddling the kitten and then leaving her for a few more hours. At night, possibly am going to have a coffee anywhere, with some friends. They have invited me and it's good to know it's not in my city and it's not with the same old people!

The same old places... The same old people... Familiar, but annoying after a while!

The same old crap!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Watching porn...

...and this is NOT me this time!

It's incredile how I try to hide that I am watching porn and it is not the first time I get black dudes here watching porn. Boobs, pussies, loads of cum and so on.

My porn involves men on men! No women involved, although I try bisexual videos from times to times, but I lose my apetite for that real fast!

They're watching porn. The dude in the computer #1; possibly all the dudes in all the computers (except me and the lady in the last computer; or is she?). This dude by my left, with an old look, was googling naked women days ago. It's obvious to the eyes, when you get up the chair and your vision reaches all the other computers' screens!

The dude by my right just requested a bit more of time in his computer. He's barely laid in the chair, the hands in his bulge and from times to times, he rubs it. Hard not to notice, having him this close. This is why I would love to open a cyber store/café, with private cabins form people to do whatever they wanted in there. Only children wouldn't be allowed or they would have a room for children only. Of course that in the main computer, I would want to knwo what they would be doing, but their searches, apart from that, would be private! ;)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Alice

Alice!

This name sounds familiar!

Alice!

Where, in my life, have I ever met anyone with such a name?

Alice!

Ah! I know now! A girl, friend of mine, from my childhood! She was the older of my friends, when I was a kid! This girl, the one that went away, when her sister-in-law, left her brother with three kids, with a simple note in the TV's screen!

Alice!

That one friend that me and Rita always talk about, when we're high and our minds turn, simultaneously, to the past! That friend of ours, that used to spend hours in the street with us. The girl who used to lie to her father, telling him she was dropping the trash in the bin and then she stayed at night with me in the street. Alice, with her three, sometimes, with all of her four nephews, two girls and two boys, hanging with us, playing volleyball with us.

Alice!

Why did she came in my mind, minutes ago, when I was walking here? Why did her name came up, as such a need to write something down here?

Alice!

Will we ever meet again? Who knows? perhaps in a rainy day, like yesterday and like today's threatening to be! Perhaps in a sunny day, in the beach, years from now, when we both don't remember each other anymore (do you remember me at all? Do you remember any of us?), when we don't even remember each other's names.

Alice!

Alice!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Pondering...

...on deleting my blogs! On deleting Twitter! On deleting Facebook!

Some of my entries and some of my tweets and some of my facebook status unplease me quite a lot! My words sound way too stupid, when I read them again! Are they worthwhile, anyway? Do they worth a cent? Do they even worth a shit?

I continue having doubts! I thought, by the others' saying, that once I was out of teenaging, things would get better! But once doubts hit me, they hit hard and lasting!

I wish anyone could give me a concrete answer, that wouldn't make me wonder even more! I wish I could simply do and don't regret my actions!

Pondering... But most possibly I will simply correct any mistakes and delete only some entries! Only some entries... Delete... Correct...

Raining

It's raining outside! Oh God, it's raining! I open my arms, close my eyes and lift my head to the sky. I leave it falling down my face, wetting it, wetting my clothes and, as a consequence, wetting my body. In the news, they spoke about the drought: it burnt the crops, it didn't allowed the grass which feed the cattle to grow.


It's raining! Perhaps the sky has felt the melancholy, perhaps Heaven (does it exists?) has felt how sad I am lately and decided to weep with me!

It's raining... Oh God, it's raining! I keep my eyes closed, my head turned to the sky, my arms wide open, as if I was trying to hug the rain and the wind! I leave the tears roll down my face!

"why are you so sad? Why are you crying?" someone asks.
Who's asking? I don't see anyone around me!
"Why are you so sad?" the voice repeats.
"I feel alone. And it's not a physical loneliness, it's some kind of loneliness that you only feel within. I feel like bursting, with so much to give away, but there's no one to receive it. But the worst is not having anyone to receive what I ha ve to give: it's that no one's understand what burns and burst within me!"

It's raining and I now pick the umbrella and am preparing to go out. In a few minutes, I am picking the train and am meeting my mother in Lisbon, near to her job. I'll see the rain drops hitting the train's windows.

A few nights ago, it rained! The lightening ripped the sky in millions of parts! The rain fell strong, as if the sea was falling from the sky. Nothing more than this was needed at the moment! This entry is way different from what I have thought it would be and look. In fact, I have had a lack of imagination when I sat in front of the computer and started typing this. Perhaps the words I had in myind weren't that important or they weren't supposed to be typed. I don't know! I don't care! I am simply closing this here and am walking under the rain, am getting my mother, feeling my feelings and stop thinking about the others and about the world!

Monday, September 24, 2012

The Kitten





So this is the kitten I mentioned about two months ago, in a post. I am not sure if I have mentioned her in this blog or in the other one, but this is my baby, the one cat who keeps biting and scratching, that I have feeded with the baby cat's bottle, as she was way too young to eat (she didn't had any teeth, when she came home and barely could meow). I am way happy to have such preciosity in home, I enjoy when she hiddes and then attacks my legs. It doesn't matters when I am ignoring her, she keeps running after me, jumping to grab my legs, runs after me. The cat follows me around the house, when I am going to the toilet. She lays with my mum, while I am in the café, but when I arrive home, she simply leaves my mum behind and runs to me!

She's the new tenant in the house, that has been mentioned here or in the other one, at http://angelalucardpt.blogspot.com, the reason of my better mood in the late two months, the reason for me to run around the house. The reason that made me go home each two hours, as she needed to be feeded.

So, world, this is Pantera!! :)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Unhappy?...

Why?...

Somtimes I do think that I would love to be living somewhere else in the world. Sometimes I repeat to myself that anywhere but in this wicked city, with these wicked people. Then I stop... I take a deep breath... and I do realise that if I am feeling this way, nowhere in the world would be safe from my unliking. Anywhere in the world would be a terrible place for me to be! Anywhere in the world would be the wrong village, the wrong city or the wrong neighboorhood. The people would always be the wrong people. I would be unhappy and unsatisfied with everything, including my self, no matter wherever I was and whoever would be with me. I need to relax, I need to heal the wounds within me and only then I am "available" to decide if I want to move somwhere else or if I want to simply stay here!

It's not the time to think wherever I would like to be at this time of my life. I haven't worked to achieve such goals. I am not where I dreamed to be at the age of 25. I am still here, in this same country, in this same city, simply because I haven't worked hard enough to achieve my goals (I keep repating myself quite a lot) and because, perhaps, I wasn't supposed to be anywhere else. It IS the time to work to change the truth of doing nothing, of simply walking around the streets and to improve the changes that need to be done in my life!

NO MORE WORDS AND MORE ACTION, PLEASE!

Monday, September 17, 2012

AMOROSA

Yes, it's true!! I no longer wear black clothes or boots! I no longer wear the goth or metal head dude! I don't wear that black make-up, that you got used to see me! But is that a reason for you not to talk to me and not even look at my face? Is that a reason for you to simply turn your eyes aside, so you can pretend you haven't seen me? You're not a friend of mine. I am not a friend of yours and possibly I shouldn't be wasting these precious minutes typing about you. Possibly, you don't even mention me as an acquaintance! But still I make a sign to you, with my head, as if you weren't ignoring me! Stupid girl! Stupid me! Who's stupid, from the two of us? Possibly you, for your action! Possibly me for caring! Possibly both of us, for accepting this action from life, each one of us at his/her own way!

It's afternoon! It's hot! There are some dudes out there I could fuck! There's this sexy indian dude I mention quite often here, in this blog, who's now chatting by my side, in the computer! I could grab his bulge and rub it. He could punch me in the face. Or he could enjoy it and let the rubbing go, until it turns onto a wanking and, as a consequence, until he cums in his boxers (or pants, in my dirtiest fantasy, he wears nothing, but the jeans). So why am I caring about you, stupid chick? The next time you pass by me, I'll do the same as you've been doing, since I have seen your shocked face by the lack of black in my clothes: ignore you! And perhaps I will simply delete this post, whenever I decided to clean my blog from the posts that unplease me! Perhaps...

Thursday, September 13, 2012

That Moment...

...when you're trying to identify the source of a certain problem and then you simply realise that due to all the choices that you've made, your problem has various sources. I mean, it doesn't means that the problem has various sources, but you know that you have multiple choices, multiple possibilities of sources for your problem and then you can not uncode which one has been the real source.

That moment when you're in a cyber store, struggling to send resumes to get a job and then spend the remaining time to blog or see your social networks and nyou realise that someone in the computer by your side, is "spying" you, as if that person was simply wanting to see whatever are you doing. Or when you realise that you are spending your money in things that you need to do to improve your life, while other people are simply watching animes (like the dude by my side, right now) or they're simply watching porn (as another dude, in another day). I mean, I do enjoy the moment of watchying porn or going to a webchat where dudes put their cocks out, but still I am trying to improve my life, while they're simply getting horny and possibly wanking under the desk.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

It's time to say goodbye...

...to reality! It's time to say goodbye to what's been left behind! It's time to let go of those people that we weren't supposed to have! It's time to say goodbye to fantasies and illusions, to those fantasies and illusions which only purpose is to hurt ourselves! It's time to start walking in the knife's blaze, to get it done for real! It's time to open our eyes to what's real! Say, I'm saying it:

 It's pretty easier to speak out of my mouth, than to put it into the action, but I do realised that I do need to do other stuffs, than to sit back in the café, enjoying people's convos, annoying behaviours, side looks and god knows what else. Plus, the older, the less patience to stand them. The older, the less will I have to have some people around me; some of them are OK, just GREAT to have them with me, mbut most of the others... Simply time to let go of them and to get any other "behaviour" to myself!

Monday, September 03, 2012

Missing Places... Missing People...


And still goes on how I miss my little land in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't matters how old I'm getting, but seems that as the years pass by, it gets harder to say goodbye, to stop seing people for another year, to just chat with them via phonecalls or via textings. To some of them, it might be enough, but it isn't enough for me.
 
I think of my walks in the road, to reach to any neighboor village. At night, in certain points of the road, there were no light, except for the moonlight, when it wasn't New Moon. I think now about the night I went to take my cousin at our grandparent's house, at night, as I was going to a Festa (party) with a friend and an acquaintance of him. The moonlight between the trees, lightning the dark road during the night. I couldn't see more than parts of the ground, lots of trees around me. The silver blue light of the moon, showing me branches, big trees, covering my way with the darkness... It was scary and I never thought I would manage to get enough courage to walk such way, but I did it. I loved it. Felt closer to my soul, closer to that place, nearly abandoned (lots of villages around there are abandoned or have very few inhabitants).
 
Another way of missing that...

this is not a picture of mine. this is not a picture that I have taken in my land, but it almost shows how do we see the sky there. It's another way of seing how I do miss being up there, in the middle of nowhere.
 
But today, I am just thinking, just wondering. I just need to take it easy. I just need to give it a bit of time!
 
 
 

Sunday, September 02, 2012

If My Secrets Were Revealed...



...would you still love me? Would you still be my friends? Would you still stand by my side, whenever I needed you? These answers will get without an aswer from some people. I am not affraid of being judged by you, of getting a hard look from you, I am just curious, from times to times.

I try to stop thinking, whgen that's beating me pretty hard. I try to get foccused on anything else, but, from times to times, that doesn't works by itself. Then, seems that my friend is guessing what going wrong and calls. We hit the Tequila.

Shots of Tequila... Well, surely that the problem doesn't disapears, but for a few hours I'll be just fine. And I am a bit slow typing today. Perhaps it's due to being hungover or due to the heat... Just needing to "shot" down some words... Just needing to think about my secrets. Too many and too evil...

Been chillin' out last night, after a week at home... And it felt GOOOOOD!!!! :)

Friday, August 31, 2012

Back Home...


...and I am still making the plans of what I do want to change! I don't want to make plans massively, because that will just work as an overwhelming idea, that I possibly will not manage to work them all at the same time, getting sad, disapointed and frustrated. Like it should be with everything, baby steps, until I "afford" the right to walk as a giant!!

First then anything, I need my job and when I get a job and get paid, I will have to fix my laptop and get internet. All the rest... Well, all the thinjgs I need are important. I am not working towards a simple wish of I want and I will get it!! I will work towards to get the things I need first, then I will just see what will happen. I surely will try not to make the same mistakes that I alwas did!

I want to reach the things: I need to work to get them and I will work for it, it doesn't matters how hard it'll be!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

So Trying to write something...

...although I have said I wouldn't try it today. I think and I keep thinbking on the land and on the people I have left behind, when I have returned to this wicked city.

I think now of a post of my friend E. V.. She said she would love to move to a place where there were no people, only a tiny waterfall. Despite the waterfall and mossy rocks, I do believe that she would love to have the nature all around her, including a black sky at night with millions, billions of shinning points. I do have the chance of moving somewhere like that, where the past is present in the bare fallen houses. Where the mounts and the hills still keep some parts where people used to work the fields. Where wildberries grow, due to the abandon. There's no waterfall, but that's a place in the middle of the nature and all I need is a driver's license and a car, so I can go to a city, everytime I feel the urge of seing more people, different people and more movement.

I am back to this city and my thoughts are lost up there. My thoughts are lost in desires and ideas that  I never put to practice. Until when?? I am managing a way to work towards my desires and dreams and then I can move there. Just need time... And it's all that takes: time!

Saturday, August 04, 2012

One Last Entry...



...before leaving to the North of the country, to the same house where I used to spend my vacations with my grand dad! I will spend about two weeks or two weeks and a hald there! I will spend some great days with some friends; some of them live in France; one of the girls lives in London (England). Some of them live quite close from me, but we only see each others on Summer! I am leaving the paraphernalia of the cities behind for a few days and I do have to admit that I am needing it!!

I have made some mistakes. I have abused of alcohol and hash. The car has been stolen and since it's a theft, there's cop involved. Some of the people I hang around with are not the models of virtue, which means that having the cops following us is not that good, as it would be in another times, that everything related to cops in my life would be sexual fantasies. So thank Goth that I am leaving tomorrow, for a few days. I will let the dust settle and I will see how things are at the time I return!

I do have some plans! And I have already put them to a practice... Or their beggining! So I just need to relax, pretend everything's fine, when I head up there and we'll see how are things, when I return!

See ya in less than one month!

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Music Sharing And Past "Tour"

The previous post was just an idea I was having for a while by now! I have most of my CD's at my aunt's house,as when I had the laptop, all my musics was there, in mp3 format. A few days ago, I decided to get in three CD's that a high school friend of mine (back to the past, huh?) burned for me, as I asked her to do so. Those three songs were some of my favourites there! I was also mad about Outlaw Stars, so it's understandable that at least one of the songs in the soundtrack used to please me!

I do miss the times I used to arrive home and then just put my backpack down to see animes, such as Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, Outlaw Stars, Lost Universe. Back to the times I used to write (or that I really tried to, instead lying to the others and to myself) my stories, most of my inspiration was from animes and other comics/cartoons. The soundtracks also used to make me dream and get some inspiration for my writings. Nowadays, I do not see animes anymore (I am watching Dragon Ball Z Kai), I do listen to those CD's when I am at my aunt's home. Ideas pop up in my mind, but I do not work on them... Does it really matters in the end? Is it worthy, anyway?

Time in the internet is over for me and for today! One last line: try not to laugh when a thug is dancing in front of the computer, almost popping his dick out, seing chicks in bikinis, on youtube's hip-hop songs! There's something that changed from the past until now: thugs increased quite a lot! Some of them, are asshole kiddos, with too much of free time!! Others... Well, it's not being racist, but due to what I have seen, it's in their genes!!

Music Sharing


When The Night Goes Longer...

... then people was expecting! And I  think I am talking by everyone inside this café, almost at 4 a.m. Drunk and high! Perhaps we are ruining ourselves, but I do have to say that most of us are happy. If we are not, we're fighting for such thing: happiness!


It doesn't really matters how older or ruined we do look like. It doesn't matters how older we do look like! It's no longer August 1st, but I am still celebrating my birthday! I am happy! Perhaps happier than ever before!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

People returning... and people acting up...


Seems that today is another crazy day! I am almost guessing that not even on my grand dad's house (miss you, grandpa! R.I.P.) I will loose the insanity in my life! I am not going to have any regular vacations! Crazy things keep happening! 

There are people returning... they're not returning from the dead, but it is almost a way of seing it! People whom I knew they were around, but they simply wasn't coming around here! There are people who know are acting up, like nothing has ever happened. It feels way good, somehow... Those who "return from the dead", keep looking at me, although their look is more direct now. You still look at me, you almost don't hide it! You are the one leaving the place, when I am around! I do still feel bothered, but I won't be let you bring me down, I won't allow you the simply right to move a finger! In Sofy's car, sat at her seat, with the legs outside the car, I have seen you through the smoke of the joint! I have seen you entering and leaving the café, carrying stuffs, by helping Turtles! 

About the one who acts up, like nothing has ever happened. It has been a simply phone call and I did noticed the uncomfort in his voice, but it is OK! Things are way better this way, although you would be the last person I was ever wanting to share a secret with! But it is just fine! One more secret... One secret less... who cares?

I am just praying that August (or my vacations up there, in the North of the country!) are the less crazy as possible! I don't really need more insanity for the rest of the year... Or maybe even for the rest of my life!

Monday, July 30, 2012

The Stolen Car

So back to the weekend! Back to the man in my bed! Back to the lost purse of my friend! Alongside with this purse, he has lost his car keys, money, documents. My friend S. called me right after the lunch and I was thinking she was calling me for a coffee, but then she hitted me with such a bomb: his car has been stolen during the night! Plus, she also said the he reported the stealing to the cops (what's just natural!) and I heard that it would be way better that we all from that night went to the police station to give our names out! He mistrusts two women who was with us all night long. Mother and daughter, who works as escorts, that went with us to the disco and who just pestered people all night long! Such as S. said, we went out, trusting people around us and the day we take any outsiders with us, there's something like that happening!

I wanted to vent this out! I have to confess that I am a bit hungover yet and I am not planning on going to the café now. I want to go there at night and I want to see how things are around there and I will give my whole support to my friend. I just do hope that things do not go wrong for any of us!

And the women that my friend mistrusts at the moment, also annoyed him. She bothered, pestered him, accused him of touching. This silly old woman... Such as S. said, I believe that she and her "fine daughter", in all their holliness, asked to those "niggaz", those friends of their to steall his car! This is not a matter of racism, it's a matter of reality here! 


So I am guessing quite much shit coming around!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

When I think that nothing can surprise me anymore...




... or when I think that no one will ever surprise me again, here comes a dude to makes that just an old chimera. There's someone who always makes something that turns my world and my beliefs upside down. I make the mistake and I am now wanting to simply run away from it. But it was such a pleasant mistake... But still a mistake!! Something that was never supposed to happen.

I usedf to be almost a momnth without going out. Sometimes, I used to spend way more time inside the house, than in the outside... at the moment, I spend most of nights out, I arrive home at lunch time or even later!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Dancing With The Soul



OK, so I really need to decide what I do really want to do! I do really need to decide on how I do want to work with my blogs.

Dancing with my soul... I wrote in one of my other blogs, but I deleted such entry right away. There were stuffs there that were way too personal - I will keep them for my diary. There's nothing way too personal that I can not write in my diaries. But in the other hand, there is something way too personal, that I almost do not admit it to myself. But what happnened the last night is not one of them... Part of my amnesia is not something I would like to hide...

My eyes are set on the gorgeous Indian man of the store. I imegine stuffs... I have ideas... But they end up being only ideas and fantasies... Things that I possibly will write in a short porn / eros. Time to leave... Time to go. One hour = €1. I still have other stuffs to do out there. I still have a walk to give, although I might not walk so far as I was thinking.

Incense sticks are burning in the store. A nice smell in the air, going down my lungs. Time to leave. Good afternoon.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Days... Thoughts...



No pressure... yet! No hurry... yet! Been listening to music, checking Facebook and now am here, writing this. I had something to say, that had nothing to do with sea, sunset, Summer, etc., but this means nothing. Lately, I think on what I do want to write on my blogs, on what I would like to share with people, but I end up writing something completing different of what I first planned! Same is going on today...

No beach for me today. Went to lunch with a friend, her daughter and a friend of ours. In the Brazilian restaurant, I just noticed one of the waiters. A very handsome, muscular waiter. Then we went shopping with her. We hanged around. We came up to our city. We smoked one. I just feed the kitten and here I am!!

I decided to share something. And that something just gone away. I decided to show a different thing. I decided to change. It's hard, but to decide is just a tiny step. It's far from being the change itself, but it's an idea. Not even an action, but an idea!

I Need more Summer. I need more sea. I need more sun. I need more heat. I do need things that I possibly will never ever achieve. That's part of life. That's a part of life's cycle and I can't just keep complaining and groaning and moaning all the time about it. Just moving on and to work to fix or improve the changes that need to be done, if they can be done at all. If not, movving and get a new one.

Outside, life's awaiting me. In a few minutes, off I go to the streets. Right now, I satill have 5 minutes to enjoy here! In a few days, I'll be far enough from a computer and will be way too long without typing here, so let me enjoy!

Monday, July 23, 2012

A New Tenant In The House And A Day Of Beach

Yesterday in the afternoon, after my mom arrive from the beach and from her friend's daughter house, she brought a very dark, furry spot in her right arm. It was a kitty, with a few days of life, that someone abandoned. My mum's friend insisted so much, said that she would pay the vet to the kitty and all those stuffs, what convinced my mum. Our older cat died last Summer, and he the only one we had since the younger one died. Both Cats died without being seen by a vet. The reason was, my mum's money is not enough for all the stuffs required: pay the house, the bills, animals food and the whole bunch to be paid off. And the fact that I am not working doesn't helps, but still the kitty is now in my kitchen, I just gave him his milk and came off to write a bit, to brag a bit, to check facebook and the ordinary errands that Internet demands.

I just arrived from the beach. Spent the whole morning and the greatest part of the afternoon there. I have a little sun burnt in my back and in my feet, but I am feeling happy, although way too soft. Hash in the beach is so great, especially if you're smoking it with friends! Hot guys walking aroung, when you're high are juicy either... They are great eye candies. They are great ways to wake up our senses. Playing with our friend's kids in the beach is also a great therapy. I just lacked the most important part: something sweet, such as

So now, I am anxious, looking forward this guy's texting. I told him a secret of mine. He replied me in the same hand. He messaged me online, saying he would love to talk to me and although I have sent him three texts already, the textings are pending. I will just let it go. I will just let see what life will bring me.

And before requesting this half an hour of Internet, I thought about getting a new account on "tribalwars" strategy game, but then again I think that it would be useless, if I can not play it, if I can not give it full attention, what means I will have to wait.

A new tenant awaits for me in the house. I wasn't counting with such a sweet boy, but there he is, this black cat, lying in my kitchen, that has just been feeded. Sooner or later, I will have to share a picture of Simba (the kitten's name). It's hard not to fall in love with such a small and helpsless little creature. That depends on you to eat. There are other things that I want to do, but they're things of my own and while I am not working on them, I'd rather not tak/write about them.