Friday, July 31, 2009

Happy Days


Where are they?? Wasn't I supposed to be happy with another birthday coming?? But since I remember, I always hated my birthdays. Since I can think of, I always tried to hide on my birthday. I always wished to be dead gone in that day. I always wished to shot anyone's head who wished to me a happy birthday. Thats not a happy day for me. That's not a day I like to be recalled at, that's not a day I wish to be happy and all smilie around!
You might be thinkin I hae the idea of getting one year older. Well, too bad news for ya: I don't fuckin' care about my age. That's just a number on a card and on a paper. It's unexplainable, I simply hate it! And since my dad passed away, 12 years ago, it's getting worse, year by year. The older, the more I hate this day. And my granny passed away 5 years ago, so it was worse! An worse, and worse and worse, day by day, year by year...
I was fucked up ast night. I woke up late and messed up in my head, anger, sad, today and I don't even want to imagine how will that be tomorrow! When tomrrow arrives, I wish a bottle of poison to drink it and leave this wicked world, hich keeps me trapped here. I hate being here, around this days. It would be greatif I could leave, if I could get an airplane and fly to Greece, to Thessaloniki, where I've been some yars ago, and stay there for a few months! It would be just perfect!!
I want to stop feeling this way. I wantto be happy, to be cool down, to be relaxed, to be fine, but no... It's the night I'll get highed or drunk and will barely find strenght enough to come home. I wnna burn my brains, burn my body, burn everything involved in my existance! I want to be gone...
I feel like vanishing with the wind... Slowly, fading away...

Monday, July 27, 2009

Memories

Second post of the night!! I'm inspired tonight!!

After hanging around on myspace and facebook, I just realised of how things changed! I think I've gone depth in this question, after checking some friend's photo albums. And this is the really matter. I still remember when the photo albums werethosehuge old books, with pictures in it, that we used to open when we was feeling nostalgic or depressed with present days or life. They was such big and heavy books, full of memories, that used to set free a strange smell like if something dead was hidden deep inside the paper pages. Memories of happiness, of sadness, melancholy, loneliness, emptiness... But memories! At the time, it was hard to destroy one f those pictures, to throw them away, because we knew we pobably wouldn't have a chance to get it back, and then that little bit piece of the past would be forever gone. By now, we can delete the picture with a simple press in a buttonat we know they will be in the computer disk, or in the memory card, or anywhere where we keep them safe, eventhough we don't even wish to see what's it!

And memories... Yesterday, I got this song from The GazettE, this piano play, and it brought to me such good feelings. In the afternoon, I went out, I went onto one of those never-ending of chinese stores which are around here, to buy some head phones to my mp3. For a long, long time I didn't had a Saturday afternoon for myself, for my shopping, for looking to the people passing in the streets. For a long, long time I haven't gone to one of those chinese stores, feeling their typical smell, looking to the cheaps and low quality products and choosing something to take home. And on Saturday, I did! And I was listening to this song. My imagination fled me onto one of those chinese/japanese movies I like to watch and I felt like in the other side of the planet, in a chinese or japanese store! I travelled far with my imagination, like it haven't happened for a long, long time! And I am happy about that! It was like living a memory, it was a memory lived in the moment! I hope to be able to go shopping with my mum next Sunday, in the clothes' store we used to go! I hope to buy something for him! I have my accounts to pay, but I want to forget them for once, forget I'm unemployed, forget my accounts have to paid and g shopping with my mum! Maybe buying something for her, nverting the role for this time... Just for once! And reminding the past, the happier simple moments of the past, in the present days! I'm getting insane, but I am happy with my insanity!

ALL HAIL INSANITY!! :)

Times passes by...


And it seems that even things turn better, there's always something to help me to fall! I get myself always looking at any cute guy around but I am always alone. Yesterday or the day (night) before yesterday, I went to a friend's birthday. After the party, after the effect of the weed being passing from my mind, after everyone have said goodbye to each other, me and another good friend of mine stayd chatting for a while and I realised that even the fact of my rare presence between them now, it doesn't means people doesn't talk about me. About my life... It turns into a serious thing when someone says I have a boyfriend, who's a big fagget! Hmm, interesting!! And the funny part of the thing is that it was my friend Sofia, who said that and introduced a boy like if he was my boyfriend! It seems I gotta check who's really worthwhile to have around me. It seems I need to do a shutdown within me again, within all those who surround me and check who reall must keep around...
Days are HOOOOT!!! Nights freeze my bones out! I am feeling sick tonight... I ate lots of ice cream, so my throat hurts. I drink cold Cola, so it keeps hurting! But fortunatelly I still can use it to sing and to make the weird noises I do around! :) That's good!!
I need more... More than this notingness that my life became. More than this loneliness which is killing me, though it has bee my choice, till now!~
Now, I choose to be happy!!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Needing a bit of high speed!

It's not a matter of beig feeling guilty about something. I regret nothing, by now! Till now, there's nothing I've done wich made feel my sleep for it!

But I was supposed to being feeling guilty, because I have had sex with a man and I haven't kept in touch or replied to his sms on my phone. That's what he said, when I finally decided to break this "iceberg" between us and has told him that by time being, I just hve had sex with him, I didn't knew him from nowhere and I wasn't feeling intended to do that. He said I wasplaying with people's feelings. I am not!! He knew exactly what he should expect from me,as I've told him from the beggining!!

Anyway, I was just needing a bit of high-speed tonight... A ride in a HOT guy's car, through the highway with no Destiny, has I've done with my goddaughters an the ex-broter-in-law of one of them. I was always at home at 2 am, like my mother said me to do, but we've gone lots of times through the highway, at night, with no Destiny, and when we felt we have arrived, we stopped somewhere and stayed in the car to smoke some weed. And those night were just fantastic. And I miss it, and I want to do that with someone special for me. With a guy I coul love and he could love me in return, with no strings or boundaries. Nothing to stop u from oving each other and stopping us from being together. And yeah, I said a boy, a guy, I love men, they're just fantastic for me and I can't spend one single day of my life without desiring them.

Like I said, I'm not feeling sorry for the other's guy stuff, I don't regret, he knew exactly what he will get. I am just a bit tired of behaving like a bitch and I am needing to stop and try to deal a bit with someone... Not that guy, but some other out there whichfeels any little kind of interedt about e and I feel the same about him. Why not trying to stop this loneliness?? Why not trying to deliver my heart to someone for the very first time in my life?? Why not fighting the barrier my famiy obblied me to create against them, and stopping doing the others pay for that?? Hope all that works, since I am feeling into about going out at night to dance, to desire, to be desired... Hope all that helps, since I am going back to the beach, leaving my body to fry on the Sun, or to fry freezing, in the sea!! Hope to be happy soon!! If I don't, at least I've tried!!

Don't blame me for trying to be happy... Dont judge me for following my dreams! You had yur chance, it's not my fult if you have missed that!!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Nostalgia...


Sometimes, I do find myself wondering why do I must give a chance to life to smile to me. Sometimes, I find myself wondering why should I be happy, why should I not smoke, why should I not to drug myself, why should I learn to deal with myself without drugs and so ooooon... People are driving me nuts!! GO FUCK YOURSELF WIT YOUR WELL INTENTIONED COMMENTS!! DON'T YOU GET BORED OF FUCKING ANOYING THE OTHERS??
I am feeling a weird changing in me. I am wearing coloured clothes sometimes I am wishing to go to the beach and fry my skin and my brains at the sun, I am wishing to go to the sea to take my bath, I am walking Cacém, getting my trone back, walking Cacém streets once again... I am feeling something is coming, but I am affrid of losing something along the way... I o need the comfort of my black clothes, I d need my sadness when it comes, I need my loneliness when I am with it in, I need allI have and I need all I don't have... I simply need!!
These last days has been some kinda funny. These last days, I have met people I haven't seen for ages. These last days, I've met some new friends. And so muh more.... But why do I still feel so lonely, so sad, so unsatisfied?? Is it my called artis's soul working?? There are some days I feel tired, old and all I wish isto stay in my corner, relaxing, smoking a lot, thinking, wondering...
What's so fucking wrong with me???

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Black or colours?

That's the most frequent question in my mind lately... I needed to borrow some pants to my aunt, and I saw my old coloured cothes.

It might seem something stupid, but I felt sorry for my clothes being out of usage for so many years... I missed sing colours. I fear to lose my essence. I fear to stop being me for going back to colours. I fear everything around changes.


I FEAR TO LOSE MY REAL ESSENCE... AM I CRAZY? AM I BEING STUPID OR CHILDISH? I NEED A LIGHT... THE TINIEST, THE WEAKEST IT IS, BUT I DO NEED A LIGHT!!