Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Mad, Mad, Mad!

Music: Vaters Minimix, Rammstein

Maybe that's the right word to be written down: MAD! I am writing here like a mad, the second post of the day, I wrote in my diary. I have writen an idea down in my mobile to a story, that I won't use, probably. I wrote something somewhere else, I can't remember now. I wrote, I started drawing andcolouring soething, like I haven't done for years. It's like a madness strike was pulling me down onto my art again. The fact of being walking slowly to my creations is awesome, but this emptiness feeling is smply awful. It's like if I was missng something along the way. It's like if I was needing a voice in my ear, whispering to me to help me to stay awake. It's like if I was being dragged onto Life and Death epic battles in my inner Kingdom once again. I feel about like cutting myself again. I haven't done it... YET! It must sound quite ridiculous that me, at 21, is turning back onto my teen times idiot acts, but that's reality!
A guy I chat with and who I like to, read my blog and told me I've been caught by love. I asked him "how's that possible if I am not loving anyone, if I am not dating anyone?!"
He answered: "You don't need to! It' quite simple, love is one of the most feared feelings of all, but the one nobody, I mean NOBODY, can resist. Gods, Angels and even Demons are tempted for it, they try to fight it and they're caught. That's so powerful, nobody can run away"
My friend K said he might be right and ow I have to deal with her calling me of pseudo-lover! I mean, jnot a bad thing, a little joke between friends, but it's dumb theidea I am perishing to love's hands. I don't feel like a loveable thing!
Too many times in the streets, in caffés, or anywhere else, I see some boys I feel into to, but they're always with girls, or they're always straight. I do feel like being unable to love anyone, I do feel like being empty forever and there's no healing hand for it. There's no remedy for my aches! I'll be hurting myself forever. I'll be illuding myself forever! I do wish, sometimes, a boy to take me away from here. I do feel like living a stupid movie. I said it befre and I am repeating myself constantly, in this matter of stuffs, it's like a biographic movie, where we see artists with tormented souls, living tormented lifes, living lifes which are not what they dreamnt or have choosen and finally, when the movie is almost ending, they die, with the perfect lover next to them. They're shot, they die with any disease, they kill themselves, or anything!
"Fly, little angel, fly high like the moon, spread your wings and fly, reach the sky, turn dust and die!"
I do need something! Maybe a big dose of morphine!!
In the picture, I am smiling to my friend Pedro, the one who took this picture! It's like a big changing was coming, but things remains the same. My life is work, work and work! Nothing more but work! And when I am not working, I am out there, in the street, hanging with friends, or in the caffé chatting and drinking my coke, or my coffee! I need something more! I need more, much more! I need so much more than being in the caffé working or with with friends, I need so much more than being closed inside the damned caffé all day long. My boss is not paying me, he's not into giving me any money, I am like working for free. He owes me about 2 1/2 months of work. He doesn't pay me that long!
I need to be like in the picture, smiling, happy or joyful! I will admit it, I think I do need a guy, guy to hold me in his arms, to tell me everything will be ok, I need someone to kiss me, I need someone to go to the beach at night and watch the sea - my brother, the sea - I need someone to hold the relationship, when it's in great tension. I need to stop being the strong one, I need to stop being the relationship holder. I need to stop holding other's bursting, I need to stop holding the other's drunknesses. When I smoke weed, when I get drunk (too rarely), they feel bored to have to hold me; so why do I have to hold them everytime!? Because I am a fool and I insist on coming out hurted by the other's, in my relationship with them! I don't care about my scars and my losses, because I always trust and believe in people.
I like that picture, don't know why! It's sweet, or something like that! Goddammit, why m I so alone, then? *hitting with the head in the walls, trying to get rid of these ideas*
Probably, it's the lack of sleep! Sleeping for an hour... I have time to sleep more when I'm dead!


They say I am crazy! They say I am given to extremes! I can I not be crazy? I can I not begiven to extremes, if I am forced to? How can I not feel angry sometimes, if they make me feel that way? How can I no do anything if I am forced to take an attitued and go to destroy them? I didn't wished that, I swear I didn't, but I won't be sorry. I won't feel regrets. I won't be walking away, just like that. I will walk away, but I'll be taking the prize for my kingdom... The scars as the evidences of this fight!
Do not fear, I won't hurt... much! I just a little taste of your blood. A little taste of your fear. A little taste of your regrets! Really. Not that much!

Friday, April 24, 2009

What To Do...?

Still longing on so many things. Still longing in long nights of insomnia. Still longing in a fantasy world. Still longing on something more. Still longing in a distant world of fairtale,where me,the hidden prince in a tower, will be saved by another prince, arriving in his dark horse, in a Middle Aged land, with knights, with tents around, with medieval fairs, with lots of forests, with dragons, with princesses and donzels. Still longing with the futuristic world, with an overpopulated metropolis, with flying cars and spaceships. Still trying to keep, at the same time, my head in the Earth. Still...
Right now, was trying to modify my blog. I was working hard to find the right image to fill in the blog's title, but it's so hard to chose. I would like to be like those people who look at some thing and just think: "This would fit perfectly here or there". But I am not. I can not take a decision, before I think very much about that, without longing for hours, for days or weeks, tll I ind the right thing to place in the right space. It's just too anoying. I wanna change. I know things need to be changed, in my blog, in my life... Decisions are needed to be taken, actions are needed to be made, but I am actionless. I am behavinglike a stupid kd, like a stupid teenagers, with his hormones all floppy, jumping around, trying to stick his dick in every hole which seems available to.
I'm needing to sleep. Maybe that's the wrong thing, the fact that of leaving everything to the end, but I just can't behave in a different way. I am just me, myself and I!

Right now, I listen to Epica, with Simone Simmons singing to "Falsches Spiel". I have the English version of this song "Running For A Fall", but this soft version of this music is just amazing. I need to thank to Ludi for having it in her profile. :) It's relaxing me! And I must confess, I can sing a little bit like Simone, I can make some stuffs with my voice like that, though I am a guy. And I was wanting to get a band, to work in different styles of music, Metal is the main one, and it would sound well to me to be able t use this "side" of my voice. I need to find the people, but they're not appearing. Maybe I am looking for in the wrong places.
I wanna find the right path. I wanna keep following the right trail, but it's being hard... Really hard! I hang around with people, some of them are not the right people, but I do trust a lot in people. Maybe a little bit too much. What to do? Things, sometimes, seems to be changing, but they always go back to the beggining. And it's not sounding good. Not at all!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


And one more night, lonely in my bd, after posting this. Not that I am needing anyone to warm me up, but the fact that till about one hour ago I was with many people at my friends Manuela' house... Some of them was taking all the kind of drugs, but I am clean. I was wishing to smoke my soft weed, but fortunately, no one had it!

A guy taking his drug... A new girl in the circle... The hot ukranian boy... Me with Manuela's fakes hair, for fun... The Ukranian guy said I would cheat him, if he found me in the streets. Too many things...

I am writing daily in this blog, as it's the only way I have to creat something, now. Through my posts, I eel I am creating something, though a memories book, to be printed in a near or far future. Something to remember later. Something to follow me up in the coffin, when I die. I've been thinking about being cremated... But then again, my fear that my body urvves to times and people can see me in 300 years... Only madness... Only emptiness, after a wonderful night... I need the guy who's the brakes for my madness...

I only can think on the music I posted... And this is what I feel... Stoned... Needing a long way from home... High-speed... My guy driving away from here... Feeling alie, for the very first time... Feeling like the first day of my life...

All hail you, who reads this blog and who listens to the song chosen by me... Thank you, my beloveds!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Defeat feeling...

Isn't any time in your life you felt like defeat, without entering in any single battle? Isn't there a single minute, the more happy you can be, the more confident you are, you sat alone in a chair, in your toilet, anywhere, but that you sat in silence and your brains started screaming out loud "I am defeated"? This is the feeling I got by now!

Today, I went out as every night, and I met with my friend M. in the caffé. She was with a guy appearing to be 20 years, at least, yunger than her (she's 53) and the guy was little bit drunk. He was a blue eyed ukranian guy, handsome one, and he was there, with her, talking, being a nice boy, talking to herand not showng any kind of emotion by her, but she was grabbing the guy, kissing him... Later, we went at her place and he went onto the bathroom and she entered to put soethiung back to his place and took some time inside that bathroom. After that, S. came home, we chatted for a while and she went to the room. Me, M. and he boy stayed in the room, seing her photo albums, watching her glory times of youth and as a grown woman. She kept on "fighting" the boy's distance.

In. came home too. She stayed for a while and when I. left, that blue eyed guy showed he was feeling horny about I.. He talked, bitted his lips and said some things. I could feel his heat inside.

It can seems like a stupid thing, but this kinda things, sometimes, drives me crazy, drives me onto an emptiness state. I feel defeat, cause I have no one feelin like that for me. The more happy I feel alone, there are a few moments I feel the need to have someone feeling something for me. And when I write about someoe feeling something for me, I mean more than sexual desire. It would be good to have someone cuddling me at night, someone hugging me near to a fire place, while both of us were taking a few alcohol or smokng weed, or simply having a warm tea, with the wood burning and the rain falling out there, with a soft song, or an extreme metal one. Just me, the guy, the fire place and the moment.

Didn't you ever felt like this? What's missing me? What's missing here? What am I doing wrong?

I feel like I am wasting all my youth and all my time. I stopped painting, I stopped writing, I don't sing for publi and don't find musicians for my music project. I do feel like I was living one of those amreican movies, about people becoming famous, like "8 mile" about Eminem, or like a "CoyoteBar"... Unfortunatelly, my way doesn't includes a bar and a hot guy helping me cruising the path. I hate bars and discos, parties I stay away from them. I mean, I am nothing but a stupid guy. I'll probably be invited to a party of a friend of mine in a Disco, in July, but I am not much confidant about that.

I wanna walk the streets and have the joy feeling again. I wanna walk the streets and smile again. I wanna so many things... But I am getting nothing.

This year, strangely, I am wishing to go the beach. Don't know if I'll go, but if Ido, so what? Yeah, so what? I'll be follwing my heart!

I've been chatting Nathaniel, from New York, a guy I loved to meet, though only virtually. We've chatted a few times. He's someone who could be the reason for me to calm down. Maybe I go to live in USA as I wish, and we meet each other and I fall in love and I live happily for ever! AH! If it was that easy, it also would be bored!

All I would like was that this defeating feeling was over. I would be happy enough... Maybe things changes soon!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Rainy Night

It's raining strongly out there I was at a friend's house and I have had to leave and come home. I was with my mp3 turned on and suddendly, it started palying Elend and their song "Opis Puthôn" and it was the perfect melody for a rain walking! OH, it cleant my soul... I always love rain walkings,listening to wonderful songs. It's a soul healer for me!
I love walk in the rain and if it's in my choice, I go out with no umbrella, to feel the rain in my hair, in my face in my clothes, reaching the skin... t could begreat if it used to touch my flesh, but I have no cuts in my body to do so. I do love it.
I am feeling awesome, despite all this despair and confusion in my mind! I really am... Better, only if I was in a car,being driven to far from here, to have fun i any wrong way.
Now, I am listening to Mariza. I imagine myself near a huge window, in a huge chair, looking out there while I smoke a cigarette and the rain is hitting the window. It would be so perfect!

Friday, April 17, 2009

They said, they asked

"There's no fucking reason for your life", he said. "For what you write, it seems like you are doing nothing in thsi world".

I just kept silence, while he typed it on MSN. I read today, cause my MSN has shut down, as I've gone to sleep. Is it true? May it be true?

There's not a fucking reason for me to stay alive? There's no sense in my life, for what I write? I feel like ging down. Lately I am saying it a lot, I am like falling on a never ending spiral of depression, hate, fear and so many of those feelings. It's like I was missing something which will never come back. It's like if I am missing something I have never seen, something I can't even imagine how does it looks like, how does it behaves.

"You're such a sad person, aren't you?", a girl once asked me. Well, honey, you dealt with me, eventhough in letters and that's your point of view. So I supose you got your answer by your own.

Lately, in the last two or three days, I have been unable to smile in a real way! I feel like there's the huge hole inside my chest I mention so many times, but thi time, it's a cold dark hole. I feel the wind inside my chest, like if a bazooka has hitted my chest with a shot.

I haven't listened to much Metal, lately. More on a dark ambient wave, some industrial, with those electronic sounds. Lots of Fado, lots of my beloved Amália Rodrigues and lots o that one who they call Fado singer, as well, Mariza. Lots of sadened and meancholic songs. Lots of feelings involved and none of them can be named. I don't know what to feel.

"You're a person who lives in extremes", my sis told me once, like if it was a secret.

Hun, you deal with me for ten years now and you know what I am made of. That's so simple...

I feel empty... I feel nothingness... I feel like if I was stoping, after a long car trip, on high speed... It's like the feeling of highness going away, after a few hours laughing and feeling OK! I don't use drugs for a few days, by the way!

I drunk a double Martini Tuesday night, but gone to sleep right after. So that's OK!

I am feeling bothered... I really need to go... I really need to stop by now...

Monday, April 13, 2009

Home Alone (NOT the movie)

Probably, this is the very first time I am sad with a reason to be... Maybe this is the very first time, in many years, I am quietly sit in the chair, just listening to mp3 and thinking about stuffs. Maybe this is what I was needing for a long time: being alone!

But being alone is not that pleasant as I always felt, since we have the person we wish far from us. I am not talking about a guy laid naked in my bed, smiling satisfied afte he us my butt for his own pleasure. I am not talking about a boyfriend delightening in pleasure with kisses. I am talking about my mother. Though we fight each other 99,9% of the week, I miss her and ths is the first night she's spending out, at her boss' house, while he's away with his wife and left his kids behind. It's a weird feeling... This lonely night is just being great, but I feel emptier, sad, needing company... Somehow, the happily-and-proudly-alone-beast needs company!

It's a cold night out there and right in front of me, there's an open window. I feel the breeze crossing my body, my skin and flesh and reaching the bones. Right next to me, lay an ashtray with ashes from my cigarettes. I'm lightening a new cigarette and pulling the smoke to my lungs. I suppose I'll drink one of the two mini martini's bottles I have hidden in my bedroom, to make it more perfect...

For thevery first time, there's silence in the house. For the very first time, there's dark in here, while TV is playing muted, just to have a little bit o movement in this room. I need something to take me out of this state of comma. It's an awful feeling; anyhow I can feel!!

I am deadly confused... I am going to sleep for a few hours... Just finishing my cigarette and I'll be sleeping!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Matter of What..?

Thee 's something weird going on... I could say it's something weird going on with me, but it wasn't jus with me. The world... The world has something weird around...

People says it's a matter of time for me to change, for me to see the world in a different view. Some of the so called gothic people crticized me for listenig to Evanescence, when I used to say I was a gothic. But people does not understand that Evanescence came to help me to rise from the ashes. Perhaps,I had commited suicide a long tyime, if Evanescence hasn't poped out to the world. It's like if they have had entered in my mind and in so many things, has the same view of things and of the world than me. World, people, life...

About one hour and a shower ago, I was in the street I live in for 14 years by now, riding the swing they installed here, when they made the works in the city, change it into a tottlly new place, listening to"Everybody's Fool" in a piano intrumental, by Eclipse.This song earnt a whole new meaning for me sinceI downloaded this album. It felt like I was that little scared teenager again, feeling like a tiny shadow between the crowd... The street was empty it was ony me, the spring trees and"Everybody's Fool".

I do feel like addicted in that song. Th more I liten to it the more I inject it onto my organism, the more addicted I get. I need songs like this one, like Evanescence's ones, to help me to feel I am not alone.

Sometimes, I am surrunded by people, but I always feel alone. It's like no one could understand me andlike the moe friends I have, the more lonely I am, becaus the more friends I get, the more different they're from me. The more some people say they understand how do I feel, he less I do believe it... It's hard for me to explain...

I need to go... I nee to sleep... Maybe sleeping will heal!

Good night!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Out of Mind...

I am nuts about so many things... I am still nuts about something... But I don't have strenght enough to label them down... I am highed and not even that state of mind and body makes me feel strong enouh to "talk" about problems... Or those problems, at least. Not the stuffs I am nuts about.

Maybe the fact of have been attacked by a drunk guy, wishing to go for a fight with a tiny skeleton like me, about 10 minutes ago is soething interesting enough to keepyou entertaiened for a long night. *devilish giggle with little horns borning*

But when I am drunk or higed, if I go for writing, I am able to put my feelings out, better than when I am sobber...

It has like a feeling of emptiness, of sadness, something that will take me out of my mind... I do need to be strong. I feel like if I am in the middle of a spiral, falling and falling, turning and turning... It never stops, but now the winds blowing my face, the inspiration hitting the walls of my skulls are flowing again, but I am just too affraid and too lazy to pick up the pen and the pencil and write or draw, though I am not talented enough...

Maybe a night of sleep will heal my mind!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Dancing Today

There's a strange feeling I'm having today. It's playing E Nomine on my laptop and I do feel a hug wish to get up and dance. I would, if I wasn't too tired to!
I wish I could be in that image, in the dancer place. I could be dressed like that maked up like that, in a place and with men like that aroun, that I would dance! I feel I would dance!
And my good friend Ludi said I am using my brains too much... Am I?? Why?? :P

Friday, April 03, 2009

Wishing to destroy something beauty...

That's what I do wish. I have had a wonderful day till that damned woman who works with me now (and she's mother of one of my friend) hae decied to get conflict with me for something way stupid. My damned work mate decided to "join the party" and I just wanted to pick the larg knife I use to cut cakes to cut them and pull their entrails out and spread all around the caffé.

OK, Bruno, you need to relax!

I need to burn them down!

And I found my mate is bisexual like me (I am more gay, though) and he's giving some tips out that he wshes somethingform me, but e's just a stupid kid. OK, OK, he's 21 and I am about turning 22, but he behaves like a damned kid. And he haves some kind of hability to upset me seriously, just by being quiet in a corner. He makes feel angry, sometimes, just to look at him!

I wanna so many things. I am falling apart something. I am needing something I cannot bear: company! A boyfriend! Something like that, but I also wanna be alone. I don't need them for anything, why do I wish such a shitty stuff?

I need to fix my head in the place. I need to go to my grand dad's and have a relaxing season in country side. I need... I do really need...
I need to break something beauty. Like one of the characters from "Fight Club", whose name I can't recall and wish actor's name I can't remeber, as well, which punched such a hot young blond boy till he's face is all broken and bloody and all he said, when guys stopped him was "I just wanted to destroy something beauty". That's all I need!!