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Showing posts from April, 2009

Mad, Mad, Mad!

Music: Vaters Minimix, Rammstein


Maybe that's the right word to be written down: MAD! I am writing here like a mad, the second post of the day, I wrote in my diary. I have writen an idea down in my mobile to a story, that I won't use, probably. I wrote something somewhere else, I can't remember now. I wrote, I started drawing andcolouring soething, like I haven't done for years. It's like a madness strike was pulling me down onto my art again. The fact of being walking slowly to my creations is awesome, but this emptiness feeling is smply awful. It's like if I was missng something along the way. It's like if I was needing a voice in my ear, whispering to me to help me to stay awake. It's like if I was being dragged onto Life and Death epic battles in my inner Kingdom once again. I feel about like cutting myself again. I haven't done it... YET! It must sound quite ridiculous that me, at 21, is turning back onto my teen times idiot acts, but that'…

X-TREME!!

They say I am crazy! They say I am given to extremes! I can I not be crazy? I can I not begiven to extremes, if I am forced to? How can I not feel angry sometimes, if they make me feel that way? How can I no do anything if I am forced to take an attitued and go to destroy them? I didn't wished that, I swear I didn't, but I won't be sorry. I won't feel regrets. I won't be walking away, just like that. I will walk away, but I'll be taking the prize for my kingdom... The scars as the evidences of this fight! Do not fear, I won't hurt... much! I just a little taste of your blood. A little taste of your fear. A little taste of your regrets! Really. Not that much!

What To Do...?

Still longing on so many things. Still longing in long nights of insomnia. Still longing in a fantasy world. Still longing on something more. Still longing in a distant world of fairtale,where me,the hidden prince in a tower, will be saved by another prince, arriving in his dark horse, in a Middle Aged land, with knights, with tents around, with medieval fairs, with lots of forests, with dragons, with princesses and donzels. Still longing with the futuristic world, with an overpopulated metropolis, with flying cars and spaceships. Still trying to keep, at the same time, my head in the Earth. Still...
Right now, was trying to modify my blog. I was working hard to find the right image to fill in the blog's title, but it's so hard to chose. I would like to be like those people who look at some thing and just think: "This would fit perfectly here or there". But I am not. I can not take a decision, before I think very much about that, without longing for hours, for days o…

Out...

And one more night, lonely in my bd, after posting this. Not that I am needing anyone to warm me up, but the fact that till about one hour ago I was with many people at my friends Manuela' house... Some of them was taking all the kind of drugs, but I am clean. I was wishing to smoke my soft weed, but fortunately, no one had it!

A guy taking his drug... A new girl in the circle... The hot ukranian boy... Me with Manuela's fakes hair, for fun... The Ukranian guy said I would cheat him, if he found me in the streets. Too many things...

I am writing daily in this blog, as it's the only way I have to creat something, now. Through my posts, I eel I am creating something, though a memories book, to be printed in a near or far future. Something to remember later. Something to follow me up in the coffin, when I die. I've been thinking about being cremated... But then again, my fear that my body urvves to times and people can see me in 300 years... Only madness... Only emptiness, …

Defeat feeling...

Isn't any time in your life you felt like defeat, without entering in any single battle? Isn't there a single minute, the more happy you can be, the more confident you are, you sat alone in a chair, in your toilet, anywhere, but that you sat in silence and your brains started screaming out loud "I am defeated"? This is the feeling I got by now! Today, I went out as every night, and I met with my friend M. in the caffé. She was with a guy appearing to be 20 years, at least, yunger than her (she's 53) and the guy was little bit drunk. He was a blue eyed ukranian guy, handsome one, and he was there, with her, talking, being a nice boy, talking to herand not showng any kind of emotion by her, but she was grabbing the guy, kissing him... Later, we went at her place and he went onto the bathroom and she entered to put soethiung back to his place and took some time inside that bathroom. After that, S. came home, we chatted for a while and she went to the room. Me, M. an…

Rainy Night

It's raining strongly out there I was at a friend's house and I have had to leave and come home. I was with my mp3 turned on and suddendly, it started palying Elend and their song "Opis Puthôn" and it was the perfect melody for a rain walking! OH, it cleant my soul... I always love rain walkings,listening to wonderful songs. It's a soul healer for me! I love walk in the rain and if it's in my choice, I go out with no umbrella, to feel the rain in my hair, in my face in my clothes, reaching the skin... t could begreat if it used to touch my flesh, but I have no cuts in my body to do so. I do love it. I am feeling awesome, despite all this despair and confusion in my mind! I really am... Better, only if I was in a car,being driven to far from here, to have fun i any wrong way. Now, I am listening to Mariza. I imagine myself near a huge window, in a huge chair, looking out there while I smoke a cigarette and the rain is hitting the window. It would be so perfect!

They said, they asked

"There's no fucking reason for your life", he said. "For what you write, it seems like you are doing nothing in thsi world".

I just kept silence, while he typed it on MSN. I read today, cause my MSN has shut down, as I've gone to sleep. Is it true? May it be true?

There's not a fucking reason for me to stay alive? There's no sense in my life, for what I write? I feel like ging down. Lately I am saying it a lot, I am like falling on a never ending spiral of depression, hate, fear and so many of those feelings. It's like I was missing something which will never come back. It's like if I am missing something I have never seen, something I can't even imagine how does it looks like, how does it behaves.

"You're such a sad person, aren't you?", a girl once asked me. Well, honey, you dealt with me, eventhough in letters and that's your point of view. So I supose you got your answer by your own.

Lately, in the last two or three…

Home Alone (NOT the movie)

Probably, this is the very first time I am sad with a reason to be... Maybe this is the very first time, in many years, I am quietly sit in the chair, just listening to mp3 and thinking about stuffs. Maybe this is what I was needing for a long time: being alone!

But being alone is not that pleasant as I always felt, since we have the person we wish far from us. I am not talking about a guy laid naked in my bed, smiling satisfied afte he us my butt for his own pleasure. I am not talking about a boyfriend delightening in pleasure with kisses. I am talking about my mother. Though we fight each other 99,9% of the week, I miss her and ths is the first night she's spending out, at her boss' house, while he's away with his wife and left his kids behind. It's a weird feeling... This lonely night is just being great, but I feel emptier, sad, needing company... Somehow, the happily-and-proudly-alone-beast needs company!

It's a cold night out there and right in front of me, the…

Matter of What..?

Thee 's something weird going on... I could say it's something weird going on with me, but it wasn't jus with me. The world... The world has something weird around...

People says it's a matter of time for me to change, for me to see the world in a different view. Some of the so called gothic people crticized me for listenig to Evanescence, when I used to say I was a gothic. But people does not understand that Evanescence came to help me to rise from the ashes. Perhaps,I had commited suicide a long tyime, if Evanescence hasn't poped out to the world. It's like if they have had entered in my mind and in so many things, has the same view of things and of the world than me. World, people, life...

About one hour and a shower ago, I was in the street I live in for 14 years by now, riding the swing they installed here, when they made the works in the city, change it into a tottlly new place, listening to"Everybody's Fool" in a piano intrumental, by Eclipse…

Out of Mind...

I am nuts about so many things... I am still nuts about something... But I don't have strenght enough to label them down... I am highed and not even that state of mind and body makes me feel strong enouh to "talk" about problems... Or those problems, at least. Not the stuffs I am nuts about.

Maybe the fact of have been attacked by a drunk guy, wishing to go for a fight with a tiny skeleton like me, about 10 minutes ago is soething interesting enough to keepyou entertaiened for a long night. *devilish giggle with little horns borning*

But when I am drunk or higed, if I go for writing, I am able to put my feelings out, better than when I am sobber...

It has like a feeling of emptiness, of sadness, something that will take me out of my mind... I do need to be strong. I feel like if I am in the middle of a spiral, falling and falling, turning and turning... It never stops, but now the winds blowing my face, the inspiration hitting the walls of my skulls are flowing again, but …

Dancing Today

There's a strange feeling I'm having today. It's playing E Nomine on my laptop and I do feel a hug wish to get up and dance. I would, if I wasn't too tired to! I wish I could be in that image, in the dancer place. I could be dressed like that maked up like that, in a place and with men like that aroun, that I would dance! I feel I would dance! And my good friend Ludi said I am using my brains too much... Am I?? Why?? :P

Wishing to destroy something beauty...

That's what I do wish. I have had a wonderful day till that damned woman who works with me now (and she's mother of one of my friend) hae decied to get conflict with me for something way stupid. My damned work mate decided to "join the party" and I just wanted to pick the larg knife I use to cut cakes to cut them and pull their entrails out and spread all around the caffé.

OK, Bruno, you need to relax!

I need to burn them down!

And I found my mate is bisexual like me (I am more gay, though) and he's giving some tips out that he wshes somethingform me, but e's just a stupid kid. OK, OK, he's 21 and I am about turning 22, but he behaves like a damned kid. And he haves some kind of hability to upset me seriously, just by being quiet in a corner. He makes feel angry, sometimes, just to look at him!

I wanna so many things. I am falling apart something. I am needing something I cannot bear: company! A boyfriend! Something like that, but I also wanna be alone. I don…