Thursday, March 17, 2011

Just Insane

This blog... This little space of my own, where I put my feelings down, such as i would do in a diary, has been a bit abandoned... Such as an attention whore, like any good artist, rulling three blogs, eventhough they're all about the same, doesn't gives us the "quality" sometimes to share what we're feeling, what we're thinking, what we're desiring, what's creeping us out, what's driving us crazy, when we're down and when we're in an euphoric state, such as I am feeling right now, though the sleep is putting a little brake on it now!! Ha!

It's just insane that I've been swimming in a sea of depression, almost drowned in this sea of sorrow and laments, but today, without alcohol, without any drugs, I was in such a huge euphoria, that it seems I was able to touch the sky, to feel the clouds between my fingers, to feel the wind between my legs, such as a motorcyle, with it's vibrating motor, taking me away in a long highway to nowhere!!

After all that I've been way into in the last few months, with the help of a special man, I am feeling like rising up... Such as the Phoenix, rising from it's ashes, fly in flames once again... I am affraid that this thing between me and you works out in anything, P., I am way too scared that this thing has brought you into my life in a way that I was not wanting, especially now, especially after all the I passed for, especially after all those last happenings, such as seing that guy once again, after all this hate get mixed with all this love and doing it looking like a bomb, exploding inside my chest, feeling all the love, all the hate and all the pain once again, after so much time, for him to show me the shade of my soul, to carry it away once again!! I am way too scared and i am wanting to run away, but there's nothing as a certain thing yet, so let us see what's popping out next!!

Just had a stupid conversation with a kiddo on Facebook, who was blamin´ his dad for doing noise with his HARLEY, while he was trying to see "Jackass"!! Well, why the fuck he complains about the noise of the Harley's motorbreath, to see what we can call of crap?? "Jackass" was alright when I was 18, now almost at 24, it's just another TV show and neither the stupid guys in that show, who can be very hot, are the teasers to stick me in front of the TV!! I would stick staring at those guys, if they were driving Harleys, all along my way, inviting for some rides!! Ha!! The a "Harley's Jackass" would sound good to me!! I do miss a ride in a motorcycle...

It's just insane how little things like this make me miss so much some stuffs in my past... Let's just see what the nearest future will bring, because anything beyond 2 months is too much for me to think!!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sad Without a Reason

Well, arrived one hour ago at home!! Went to the marina of Cascais to go to a club, but guess what?? I wasn't able to relax, to let myself go, to have fun, to feel the music in my soul, to feel my body just swinging with the sound of the music... Seems like i really need drugs or alcohol to relax, to have fun... I realised tonight that I do need those stuffs to help me to relax, to help me letting myself going with the flow, having fun, relaxing, feeling the music within my body, vibrating in each little bit of my bones... Most of this stuffs, I can feel them even sleeping,b ut not that happiness, not that will to be surrounded by people, especially with a company that I would prefer keeping away from me!! I thank you all, guys & girls, for calling me to have fun, but my smile to you was fake!! The smile to the pictures was fake!! I was sad, bothered inside, those people looking at me was bothering me, i haven't even lift up my eyes, I prefered to take a look through the window, to see the river or the sea outside, am not sure now! Prefered to think they wasn't looking at me,l prefered to imagine I was somewhere else!! i was wishing to go out for a long, long time ago, but I said this before, my soul ain't told me it was the right night to go out, to have fun, to dance...

Anyway, why the fuck everyone is now bothering me with the fact that I am unhappy alone?? Why the fuck is everyone wanting to see me engaged? I might not be happy with this choice of mine, but I said it all previously: IT'S MY CHOICE!! Happy or unhappy, it's me living with it, no one else, so please, people, leave my fucking mind alone!!

I've been blogging this matter previously in Portuguese, so most of what I was needing to say, is said and my mood is not going any better!! I am just giving a quick read in a stuff and then I am off to the bed!! Need to try to heal this broken mind of mine!!

Need to heal this sadness for unknon reasons...

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

I was about...

This is a Painting by me!! :)

I was about bitching. I was depressed... Am a bit sort of of depressed, but not needing to bitch!! Been talking on messenger all night long, been watching some videos to laugh and sharing them with my friend Xana. Been listening to Amália Rodrigues, my favourite singer, chosing some oif the most depressive songs, but it's a good pain!! I need this!! I need her voice, as my comfortable spot. i need to cry, when I feel in the mood to!! And Amália can be such a great help!! Just dropped two gross tears!! Just felt a chill within my bones, while i heard her singing in the excerpt of a movie!!

More and more minutes, listening to Amáklia, to her wonderful voice, to her incredible presence in live shows or in TV. And when i say i am writing, it doesn't matters if i am bitching (I was seeing I wasn't doing it so!! xD) on my blogs or if I am taking care of my poetry or anything else i am doing, including painting, people should suppose that i want peace, but noooo!!! That old man tha added me on facebook who I chatted a bit there, then added him to my MSN kept annoying me, asking me to talk with him, asking me to cheer up!! NO!!! I DON'T FUCKIN' WANNA CHEER UP!! NO, I DON'T WANT FEEL BETTER, WHILE I DON'T CRY ALL MY TEARS OUT, EVEN IF THAT INCLUDES CRY MY EYE GLOBES OUT TOO!! NO, I DON'T WANNA BE CHEERED UP, I WANNA CRY, YELL, MOVE MY ARMS AND LEGS ALL OVER!!

I know that people worry and concern about me, but dammit!! I hate when they think that just because I have depressive phases (way too many), I need joy in my life, a person by my side or anything like that!! And no, Xande, i didn't wanted to smoke pot, not when I am depressed, because I always feel worse!! I prefer smoke pot when i am happy or close too, because happiness is strange to me, happiness is way harder to deal with than sadness. And hey, Xande, here's another message for you: In the other day, you faggot boy (I love you anyway, my friend), you told me not to make faggot comments, but you being gay and shaking your hands like it "shows you out" way more than me, the way you were talking to the army guy today... Hmm, that was way too faggot and you compained on me in the other day?? Weird... Anyway, army guys never complained of me being throwingf myself at them, but one of them complained to me that you did it to him, in the other night!! Weird too, huh?? But never fucking mind, i said I was about bitching and am bitching something here, not have to call your attention to this fact, not to have to upset my beauty with fucking idiot things!!

And people... The bitchness goes on!!! Some people are always complaining that I talk, laugh and do other stuffs way out loud!! I don't give a fuck!!! If I am in the café and am sat in a table and you come to sit at my table, get your fuckin' butt up and walk away!!! You don't see me speaking out loud of my problems in the café, do you?? You don't see me telling everything to everyone, do you?? You don't see me spreading my sadness or bad mood in the café, because when they arrive, I get my skinny butt up and just walk away!! I don't care if others like or dislike. I don't care if anyone will ever love me (yeah, loneliness is such a pitty, but better being on my own, then getting hurt again! And no, Paulo, you gay nurse boy, I do not prefer being happy than creating beautiful things!! I prefer creating beautiful things with my loneliness, than doing ugly things with happiness and to get my heart screwed again!)!! of course that are days that I crave for someone caring for me, huging me, cheering me up, but no, no, NO!!!! No more thoughts in this direction... Not tonight!!! And you guys, in there, inside my mind SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! You're not helping tonight!!!

Long time no writing down here, as well as I don't do it in my diaries, but it became easier to write here!! Surely that are stuffs which are not in my diaries, that are not in these blogs. i got a secret blog, with a secret name, where all my secrets are there!! ALL OF NASTY THINGS!! I still think I might delete that stuff, but for now, it's still there!! For now, i am still in the mood to write in 4 blogs, each day, each feeling, in the one that fits it the best, though all of them are not way too different from each others!! There is the Victim's blog, Angel's blog in portuguese, there's Bruno's blog (the secret one, with secret name), but I am still in the sake of writing them down!! Victim's blog is the one who i care a bit more of what what I write down there, because one of my best friends reads it and I know she hates knowing when I am bad, she always advise me, but what to do?? Not always happy (rarely), not always in the mood for good thing, not always wishing to be dead!! most people who deal with me nowadays don't know that inside, I feel mostly sad, that I get depression attacks jjust like that, that suicidal thoughts are a real thing for me. It's makes things way easier for me, because I can suffer in peace. There are only one or two people who deal with me of that long time ago, who still knows, who still understand that they must leave me alone when I ask for it!

And now, one last subject (unless you guys don't shut up in there!)... Been talking with a girl, added her in my facebook, due to our "chat" in comments in one of my many penpals groups and something that shown up was one old idea of mine. When I thought I would love to live in the States or anywhere else in the world. Nowadays, this doesn't sounds appealing to me anymore, just because I could't be far from my country, from my people, from our music, from our food, from our language. I once read that love is a slow suicide, but being far from Portugal would be the slowest and most painful death I could ever taste! I love my country more than anything, now. And yeah, now, because before i had my grand dad to love even more than the country, now he's gone, just hoping not to take too much time for me to meet him up again!! To meet grand dad, grand ma, dad, all those I have already lost...

Too much that could be said, too much that could be bitched up, but now...Well, guess that now its the time for me to leave... Time to eat something, time to lay down and sleep two hours, before getting up and going to do my blood tests. No more time to think, no more time to whisper, no more time to desire... Just me, the bed and my soul will fly a bit, while I am sleeping...

Now... Now that it's time to leave, tears came back... Tears for me... Tears for you... Tears for the world... Tears for all the destruction, for all the war, for all the pain we cause to each others... I hate feeling this much!! it's good as an artist, but terrible as a human being!! it hurts just too much!!

I just wanna be able to lay my head down and be able to rest in peace!! Is that asking too much?? It seems so!!