Sunday, September 30, 2012

Sexy, sexy, sexy

Although I have decided to stop with my sexual life for a while now, I am not stupid and I am not blind! Especially when it comes to sexy pieces of meat inside uniforms, such as the sexy voiced cop from a while ago in the supermarket. Or any of his work mates who are there and that, from times to times, leave me uncomfortable with their staring. Perhaps they know me from other times, from other kind of "life"; I do say/type this quite a lot, but I know that's a chance.

Another sexy thing, is the dude on my left side, at this moment. He wears somekind of business suit, he has a cute face, sexy lips. Straight, or I believe so, but he wouldn't be anything else but an eyecandy, even if he were gay. At the moment, getting foccused on so many things, that perhaps including a sexual life woulod make me go nuts!

*there's a very old lady dressed in a black t-shirt and a black skirt, her hair is all messed up as if she were just in a fight*

Saturday, September 29, 2012


I keep getting proposals. Sexual propossals, I should say, butn I think that everyone who follows or reads my blogs, even if it's from times to times only, would understand that!

Yesterday, wrote abou the old chat I used to go at and the other website, where you can see pictures! I have seen the pictures of some men, there, got a message from a dude, who has read my profile (I mentioned the hash, the drinking, that having fun and not being good at all) and he wrote: "Wow, I enjoyed your profile and I got to say that I love to fuck when I am high!" Way different from the dude who texts me and who I text, that keeps asking me to have a "session" with me, but he keeps criticizing me from smoking whether cigarettes or hash!

This another dude, after my refusal, he said that I could meet him and his friends! Some people can pay the beers (I don't drink beer), others will rool the hash joints (I can roll, but have no hash and sometimes no cigarettes), so I simply refuse his sweet offer! In the end, there would be second intentions involved anyway and I am not really into showing my another face to this sweet stranger!

Friday, September 28, 2012

The Old Websites

As a younger boy, who was constantly feeling lonely, I used to look on chats the company I couldn't find in my real life! Amazingly, I also find out I could play the "hard-to-get-silly-game" with anyone without exception, as no one knew how I was. I also find out it was almost like playing Role Playing Games, where you are whoever you want, with no restriction! I did opened a web-site with a chat, where you could turn your webcam on and play dirty games for other men to see and wank at the same time, if it pleased them. The lack of time, made me decide to shut the window, but here I am, writing about it.

There's another website, one where you can see dudes' pictures, read their profiles (if you're careful enough to do so, as most of them complain no one reads what they write and I am one of those who complains) and then you can send one message, though you have now a restrict number of messages per week. I have seen several pictures which pleased me. I have read several profiles which grabbed my attention, but still not looking for anything in particular. I am simply taking looks at the profiles and then, I am moving forward to the next profile. My idea is simply to see what they have to say. My idea is to see what they have to show. My idea is to feel less lonely, that I usually feel. But still get proposals that I continuosly refuse.

There's now a place where I am heading and it is not online! I am leaving, for the same reason as always, my time here is over, and I am going to grab something in my house and then I am heading to my aunt's place for dinner. I am cuddling the kitten and then leaving her for a few more hours. At night, possibly am going to have a coffee anywhere, with some friends. They have invited me and it's good to know it's not in my city and it's not with the same old people!

The same old places... The same old people... Familiar, but annoying after a while!

The same old crap!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Watching porn...

...and this is NOT me this time!

It's incredile how I try to hide that I am watching porn and it is not the first time I get black dudes here watching porn. Boobs, pussies, loads of cum and so on.

My porn involves men on men! No women involved, although I try bisexual videos from times to times, but I lose my apetite for that real fast!

They're watching porn. The dude in the computer #1; possibly all the dudes in all the computers (except me and the lady in the last computer; or is she?). This dude by my left, with an old look, was googling naked women days ago. It's obvious to the eyes, when you get up the chair and your vision reaches all the other computers' screens!

The dude by my right just requested a bit more of time in his computer. He's barely laid in the chair, the hands in his bulge and from times to times, he rubs it. Hard not to notice, having him this close. This is why I would love to open a cyber store/café, with private cabins form people to do whatever they wanted in there. Only children wouldn't be allowed or they would have a room for children only. Of course that in the main computer, I would want to knwo what they would be doing, but their searches, apart from that, would be private! ;)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012



This name sounds familiar!


Where, in my life, have I ever met anyone with such a name?


Ah! I know now! A girl, friend of mine, from my childhood! She was the older of my friends, when I was a kid! This girl, the one that went away, when her sister-in-law, left her brother with three kids, with a simple note in the TV's screen!


That one friend that me and Rita always talk about, when we're high and our minds turn, simultaneously, to the past! That friend of ours, that used to spend hours in the street with us. The girl who used to lie to her father, telling him she was dropping the trash in the bin and then she stayed at night with me in the street. Alice, with her three, sometimes, with all of her four nephews, two girls and two boys, hanging with us, playing volleyball with us.


Why did she came in my mind, minutes ago, when I was walking here? Why did her name came up, as such a need to write something down here?


Will we ever meet again? Who knows? perhaps in a rainy day, like yesterday and like today's threatening to be! Perhaps in a sunny day, in the beach, years from now, when we both don't remember each other anymore (do you remember me at all? Do you remember any of us?), when we don't even remember each other's names.



Tuesday, September 25, 2012


...on deleting my blogs! On deleting Twitter! On deleting Facebook!

Some of my entries and some of my tweets and some of my facebook status unplease me quite a lot! My words sound way too stupid, when I read them again! Are they worthwhile, anyway? Do they worth a cent? Do they even worth a shit?

I continue having doubts! I thought, by the others' saying, that once I was out of teenaging, things would get better! But once doubts hit me, they hit hard and lasting!

I wish anyone could give me a concrete answer, that wouldn't make me wonder even more! I wish I could simply do and don't regret my actions!

Pondering... But most possibly I will simply correct any mistakes and delete only some entries! Only some entries... Delete... Correct...


It's raining outside! Oh God, it's raining! I open my arms, close my eyes and lift my head to the sky. I leave it falling down my face, wetting it, wetting my clothes and, as a consequence, wetting my body. In the news, they spoke about the drought: it burnt the crops, it didn't allowed the grass which feed the cattle to grow.

It's raining! Perhaps the sky has felt the melancholy, perhaps Heaven (does it exists?) has felt how sad I am lately and decided to weep with me!

It's raining... Oh God, it's raining! I keep my eyes closed, my head turned to the sky, my arms wide open, as if I was trying to hug the rain and the wind! I leave the tears roll down my face!

"why are you so sad? Why are you crying?" someone asks.
Who's asking? I don't see anyone around me!
"Why are you so sad?" the voice repeats.
"I feel alone. And it's not a physical loneliness, it's some kind of loneliness that you only feel within. I feel like bursting, with so much to give away, but there's no one to receive it. But the worst is not having anyone to receive what I ha ve to give: it's that no one's understand what burns and burst within me!"

It's raining and I now pick the umbrella and am preparing to go out. In a few minutes, I am picking the train and am meeting my mother in Lisbon, near to her job. I'll see the rain drops hitting the train's windows.

A few nights ago, it rained! The lightening ripped the sky in millions of parts! The rain fell strong, as if the sea was falling from the sky. Nothing more than this was needed at the moment! This entry is way different from what I have thought it would be and look. In fact, I have had a lack of imagination when I sat in front of the computer and started typing this. Perhaps the words I had in myind weren't that important or they weren't supposed to be typed. I don't know! I don't care! I am simply closing this here and am walking under the rain, am getting my mother, feeling my feelings and stop thinking about the others and about the world!

Monday, September 24, 2012

The Kitten

So this is the kitten I mentioned about two months ago, in a post. I am not sure if I have mentioned her in this blog or in the other one, but this is my baby, the one cat who keeps biting and scratching, that I have feeded with the baby cat's bottle, as she was way too young to eat (she didn't had any teeth, when she came home and barely could meow). I am way happy to have such preciosity in home, I enjoy when she hiddes and then attacks my legs. It doesn't matters when I am ignoring her, she keeps running after me, jumping to grab my legs, runs after me. The cat follows me around the house, when I am going to the toilet. She lays with my mum, while I am in the café, but when I arrive home, she simply leaves my mum behind and runs to me!

She's the new tenant in the house, that has been mentioned here or in the other one, at, the reason of my better mood in the late two months, the reason for me to run around the house. The reason that made me go home each two hours, as she needed to be feeded.

So, world, this is Pantera!! :)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012



Somtimes I do think that I would love to be living somewhere else in the world. Sometimes I repeat to myself that anywhere but in this wicked city, with these wicked people. Then I stop... I take a deep breath... and I do realise that if I am feeling this way, nowhere in the world would be safe from my unliking. Anywhere in the world would be a terrible place for me to be! Anywhere in the world would be the wrong village, the wrong city or the wrong neighboorhood. The people would always be the wrong people. I would be unhappy and unsatisfied with everything, including my self, no matter wherever I was and whoever would be with me. I need to relax, I need to heal the wounds within me and only then I am "available" to decide if I want to move somwhere else or if I want to simply stay here!

It's not the time to think wherever I would like to be at this time of my life. I haven't worked to achieve such goals. I am not where I dreamed to be at the age of 25. I am still here, in this same country, in this same city, simply because I haven't worked hard enough to achieve my goals (I keep repating myself quite a lot) and because, perhaps, I wasn't supposed to be anywhere else. It IS the time to work to change the truth of doing nothing, of simply walking around the streets and to improve the changes that need to be done in my life!


Monday, September 17, 2012


Yes, it's true!! I no longer wear black clothes or boots! I no longer wear the goth or metal head dude! I don't wear that black make-up, that you got used to see me! But is that a reason for you not to talk to me and not even look at my face? Is that a reason for you to simply turn your eyes aside, so you can pretend you haven't seen me? You're not a friend of mine. I am not a friend of yours and possibly I shouldn't be wasting these precious minutes typing about you. Possibly, you don't even mention me as an acquaintance! But still I make a sign to you, with my head, as if you weren't ignoring me! Stupid girl! Stupid me! Who's stupid, from the two of us? Possibly you, for your action! Possibly me for caring! Possibly both of us, for accepting this action from life, each one of us at his/her own way!

It's afternoon! It's hot! There are some dudes out there I could fuck! There's this sexy indian dude I mention quite often here, in this blog, who's now chatting by my side, in the computer! I could grab his bulge and rub it. He could punch me in the face. Or he could enjoy it and let the rubbing go, until it turns onto a wanking and, as a consequence, until he cums in his boxers (or pants, in my dirtiest fantasy, he wears nothing, but the jeans). So why am I caring about you, stupid chick? The next time you pass by me, I'll do the same as you've been doing, since I have seen your shocked face by the lack of black in my clothes: ignore you! And perhaps I will simply delete this post, whenever I decided to clean my blog from the posts that unplease me! Perhaps...

Thursday, September 13, 2012

That Moment...

...when you're trying to identify the source of a certain problem and then you simply realise that due to all the choices that you've made, your problem has various sources. I mean, it doesn't means that the problem has various sources, but you know that you have multiple choices, multiple possibilities of sources for your problem and then you can not uncode which one has been the real source.

That moment when you're in a cyber store, struggling to send resumes to get a job and then spend the remaining time to blog or see your social networks and nyou realise that someone in the computer by your side, is "spying" you, as if that person was simply wanting to see whatever are you doing. Or when you realise that you are spending your money in things that you need to do to improve your life, while other people are simply watching animes (like the dude by my side, right now) or they're simply watching porn (as another dude, in another day). I mean, I do enjoy the moment of watchying porn or going to a webchat where dudes put their cocks out, but still I am trying to improve my life, while they're simply getting horny and possibly wanking under the desk.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

It's time to say goodbye... reality! It's time to say goodbye to what's been left behind! It's time to let go of those people that we weren't supposed to have! It's time to say goodbye to fantasies and illusions, to those fantasies and illusions which only purpose is to hurt ourselves! It's time to start walking in the knife's blaze, to get it done for real! It's time to open our eyes to what's real! Say, I'm saying it:

 It's pretty easier to speak out of my mouth, than to put it into the action, but I do realised that I do need to do other stuffs, than to sit back in the café, enjoying people's convos, annoying behaviours, side looks and god knows what else. Plus, the older, the less patience to stand them. The older, the less will I have to have some people around me; some of them are OK, just GREAT to have them with me, mbut most of the others... Simply time to let go of them and to get any other "behaviour" to myself!

Monday, September 03, 2012

Missing Places... Missing People...

And still goes on how I miss my little land in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't matters how old I'm getting, but seems that as the years pass by, it gets harder to say goodbye, to stop seing people for another year, to just chat with them via phonecalls or via textings. To some of them, it might be enough, but it isn't enough for me.
I think of my walks in the road, to reach to any neighboor village. At night, in certain points of the road, there were no light, except for the moonlight, when it wasn't New Moon. I think now about the night I went to take my cousin at our grandparent's house, at night, as I was going to a Festa (party) with a friend and an acquaintance of him. The moonlight between the trees, lightning the dark road during the night. I couldn't see more than parts of the ground, lots of trees around me. The silver blue light of the moon, showing me branches, big trees, covering my way with the darkness... It was scary and I never thought I would manage to get enough courage to walk such way, but I did it. I loved it. Felt closer to my soul, closer to that place, nearly abandoned (lots of villages around there are abandoned or have very few inhabitants).
Another way of missing that...

this is not a picture of mine. this is not a picture that I have taken in my land, but it almost shows how do we see the sky there. It's another way of seing how I do miss being up there, in the middle of nowhere.
But today, I am just thinking, just wondering. I just need to take it easy. I just need to give it a bit of time!

Sunday, September 02, 2012

If My Secrets Were Revealed...

...would you still love me? Would you still be my friends? Would you still stand by my side, whenever I needed you? These answers will get without an aswer from some people. I am not affraid of being judged by you, of getting a hard look from you, I am just curious, from times to times.

I try to stop thinking, whgen that's beating me pretty hard. I try to get foccused on anything else, but, from times to times, that doesn't works by itself. Then, seems that my friend is guessing what going wrong and calls. We hit the Tequila.

Shots of Tequila... Well, surely that the problem doesn't disapears, but for a few hours I'll be just fine. And I am a bit slow typing today. Perhaps it's due to being hungover or due to the heat... Just needing to "shot" down some words... Just needing to think about my secrets. Too many and too evil...

Been chillin' out last night, after a week at home... And it felt GOOOOOD!!!! :)