Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Motivational images / Browsing rules and tips

I do speak quite a lot about my novels. I do type quite a lot about them. But I do not type them down. In times, I would sit in front of the computer and write. Write a lot, even if the final result wasn,t as good as I was expecting. But nowadays, it is something that I speak fondly about.
In times, on my Greek goddess' blog, I've seen a post about something that she has found out online, with eight rules / advises for making writing easier. And I have thought about this lately.
On my Facebook page, I do follow some pages with writing / artistic advises, pictures, quotes and whatever more that only God knows. And so I went to look for the images I have just downloaded to my aunt's tablet.
The entry of my Greek goddess' blog with those simple rules is the following one.

And off I go to browse for something more. Or off I go to play something in here. Or off I go to do anything else.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Nightwalks, full moon, conversations and subtile messages

The full moon was shinning last night.
Like I've done more often lately, I have decided to do a night walk, after a few minor events. While walking down the streets to return home due to boredom (I had not my earphones with me, so no music at all for me), I have met a boy who's the neighboor of a friend. They have gone to a darts' championship, but this boy has decided to return earlier. He asked if I wanted some company to go to my building. I replied to him that I didn't wanted to go home, so he has joined me on a long night walk.
While walking up and down the streets, we've been chatting and the chit chat turned onto a very interesting conversation with many topics, sexuality included.
We have walked the streets, while we were talking. And when things hitted the sexuality topic, it felt like he was sending me a subtile message that he was needing something, although that he has said to me that he was straight, he had never tried anything with another man and he had never felt curious about it. But his behaviour was showing me something more and something deeper. Nothing has happened, but this is not the first time that a straight friend of mine sends me such subtile messages, with conversations or questions. In two different situations, I ended up satisfying friend's curiosity.
The full moon was shining high in the sky.
The full moon was driving me crazy.
The full moon was playing with this boy's senses.

While walking up and down the streets, we've seen different people. Two men riding horses. Policemen. People returning home and at the time we were retuening home, we've seen people going to their jobs. I got somewhat of confessions from this boy. I have shown him some of the lies I keep telling the world: I dislike being touched, I play dorty with men, because it is truly hard for me to get attached to someone, that I don't want a relationship. I have shown him the truth and the lies. I've got the truth from hm. I've got his companionship in the night walk.
Under the silver blue moon's brilliance, I have got some ideas. I have got some thoughts.
Friends with strange desires.
Acquaintances with subtile messages.

I don't judge people by their options. They're straight, but they feel curiois enough: fine. I'm here, but it does't means that I'll satisfy eavh and every one of them. It doesn't means either that I'll refuse that, especially if I am in the need of the same.
I don't pretend to be somethng different than what I really am. I tell little lies that harm no one. Those little lies might harm my-own-self, but the serve the simple purpose to keep me safe from feelings. Feelings that  want to try, but that I'm too affraid to.

There are way too many things. There are also way too many people out there.
Late on the night, I can listen to the voices. I can listen to the streets. I can listen to the passing cars.
I can listen to the confessions of my friends or to the subtile messages of my acquaintances.
I can love my friends and I do. Late in the night or early on the morning. But I can not be dependent of smeone's love to be alive and to be myself. I can not be dependent to someone's acceptance to be myself.

I just want to spread my wings and leave this world behind.
I want to forget about strange desires and subtile messages.
I want to forget about smiles, tears, voices, moments.

I simply want to fly away...
And vanish in the air...
But I keep living and I try to do the best out of my living. I try to be the best as  can with the minimal tools that I have in my possession. I tr to be the best friend that I can. As a lover, I try to be the wildest one. I leave all the sweetness to the pillow that once I placed between my legs and that I hold in my arms nowadays.

My life is made of simple desires. And strange longings. And hard dreams and countless hopes. High hopes. So high that I can not reach them.
My life. My existence. My core.
So many wasted chances. So much love wasted.
And I keep living. I always keep living and staying around.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Alter-egos, e-books and writing

I have recently started a blog with my American friend, Ering Leigh. At the time that we've been talking about the blog, I have asked her if she was using any kind of nickname or if she wold be signing with her real name. She said that she was signing it with her name: she's never been anything else than Erin and she loved her name. She's the Sad Tomato: the kind of name that I've read from her a while ago, I don,t know on which occasion. And it's a pretty nice name.
I have been thinking seriously about my nickname. I am using my real names: Bruno Miguel. But I have also thought on signing those entries as Angel Alucard. In fact, I have changed the authoring name to Angel Alucard and I just put it back to Bruno Miguel. It is being a strange thing to struggle about another name to use. Angel Alucard is somewhat of my alter-ego. More than simply one of the characters of the novels that I keep typing about (without typing the novels), he's just part of me; he's one of the voices in my mind.
But there's another issue on here: Elias! The newcomer. He keeps struggling about getting his voice heard. I think that he wants his name in that blog and I am seriously thinking. But there's the big problem with the surname: he has never told it to me and I am thinking on contless possibilities for it. Elias Gabriel is one of them and one of my favorites by far. If only I could make this task any easier...
A few hours ago, I went out to have my coffee and the cafe where I usually go on Sunday afternoons was closed. I came back, had my coffee in another place. I didn't gone to have a coffee on my own in that mall for years and while walking down te streets, I stopped by the book store window. I haven't read anything new and good for ages (I read one of my mother's books and it hans't pleased me that much.  Told her the book was "interesting", just not to let her feeling bad, so don't tell her, please!). I have no money to buy books. And so I reminded about m aunt's tablet, that actually was in the back pack that I was wearing and I reminded that Google Play Store has the book section, with free e-books. Those books, are samples or old books. Those books can entertain me for a while and actually the can give me goods ideas. They can help me to realise the big mess that is going within my mind. And that is one of the things that I still want to do, before closing the Internet connection and walking all alone in the night streets (6 pm + Autumn in Portugal = night time), heading home.
I might get something written out of these insane ideas that I have had. Some thoughts that can turn onto very beautiful texts: small or bigger ones. What really matters is writing. And writing my insanity down can be a very good therapy!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

A busy afternoon

I could plan what I wanted to type one million times. I could plan, soeak those lines to myself countless times and still wouldn't work out. Whenever I finally sit to type, things would be vanished! I want to play one of the many games that I've download for my aunt's tablet (some of them require an Internet connection, what means that I need to play them here), but I never start playing without doing everything that I need to do first.
A boy who I now, showed me the European Card of Health services. If you're an European citizen, travelling throu the European Union, Switzerland, Iceland and another country ending in Land whose name I can't remember, you should have one. It assures you medical assistance, in case you get sick and need to go to an ER. In the other hand, it's pretty useless if you have a chronic disease and you want or need to move along to another country. I'm working on getting that card, but it'll be a bit useless for me.
My friend Cristina, who's actually an ex-penpal of mine, lives in London. I've been asking her a few question and she has been pret useful on giving me the info I needed. It sucks that the places need more than simply that card for some stuffs we need. England is not the only European Union (shit heads) country, what means that are many options: all of them are limited due to that reason.
I have also been checking my e-mail accounts. Emptying the inboxes. I will improve the attachement of most of them to the newest gmail account that I've gotten. Perhaps, it also will be the new beggining that I'm needing of to add the e-mail account that I use for this blogger, facebook, twitter, tumblr and countless other stuffs. Or maybe, I'll just request the gmail account for these ones. We'll see. Maybe not now. Maybe not today.
I want to change way too many things. I don't want to try to change all of them today, or in this week. Maybe not even in this month. It'll take it's own time. I need to be realistic and face the truth. I need to put all the effort in the stuffs that I want and need to do, but only the effort that I know I'm able to stand. Putting too much effort won't work, if I can not stand all it takes or if I can not make it the way it needs to be done.
It has been a ver busy afternoon. I might not have changed much. I am pret sure that I haven't changed the world, but I am working towards the change of mine own. I want to change all this crap. I am working the little and tiny stuffs I can do about that.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

To a very special friend

Give me your hand! Out of their abandon, I'll carry you away with me! There won't be any more pain! There won't be no more hate!
So many people out there and not even a single really matters. What matters the world? What matters what they say? Who really cares?
Out of pain, hate, hopeless thoughts and feelings, we're just like ghosts: they don't notice us. We see the truth through and out of them. We feel their pain. We feel their fear. We taste the poison in their souls.
In the lights of the city, we see loneliness mirrored. I feel like the old and smelly river crossing my city. You're just like the night sky of your own city. Our shadows make no difference. Not now. But when we leave this world behind, when we're finally the stardust, what will mater what they've said?

A tiny waterfall makes it typical sound close to an old house. The woods surrounding it almos hide your place. The woods almost hide you. But your energy is strong: I can feel it! I can follow you anywhere you're going, for the simple reason that I am continuosly seeking you. I am continously following you, no matter how far you're going.
A tiny waterfall... you... an old house in the middle of the woods...
The big city out there. My body. Your body. Two different cities. Two different bodies. Two different souls. And still I am seeking your energy. And still, when walking the dangerous streets at night, I am thinking about you. And there's nothng else mattering.
The never ending cycle of cars and people passing by. The never ending cycle of love, hate, cheating, betrayal, sex, desire.

Close your eyes, my love!
Close your eyes when the wind start blowing!
Close your eyes if you walk close to the sea. Pray at your ver own and special way. Close your eyes and feel your feet in the sand.
Close your eyes, while your cuddling your cats. Close your eyes for a few minutes and feel the book's character to speak to you.
Close your eyes, my love, and feel the night blowing you one last kiss.
Let the moon guide your steps and close your eyes.

Nothing, but stardust...
Remember your words.
Remember about yourself.
Remember about your pride (let no thoughts or people to bring your pride down).
Nothing but stardust...

The waterfall.
The night sky.
The city.

I love you, my friend!
I love you!

too many e-mail accounts

Through the years, I've created several e-mail accounts. Some of them, I didn't even have thought about them, exceot when I've needed to get a new account somewhere else and when I've needed to get a different e-mail for that: I didn't wanted that the blog that I've secretely got (when the storm hitted my life) got attached to these ones, it's dead by now, but the yahoo e-mail serves for my newer blog with Sad Tomato (Erin). Also for that blog, I've had to get a account. According to what I remember, gmail allows us to get the e-mail from other e-mail accounts. If it can get more than e-mail atached to it, that's a fair simple and plain solution for the amount of e-mail.
Continuing with this, I also have a secret e-mail account for secret twitter and tumblr accounts. I think that I will have to check this most recent gmail account: if I can attached all of my e-mails to it, it'll be nice. I can just get a new one, for job issues and all the remaining stuffs. All the funny / secret / and all the crappy e-mails that I've gotten and where I do get e-mails of any kind, will be attached to the one I might get for this blog, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and all the shitty stuffs I fill my time with.
Too many e-mail accounts.
I do exagerate in most of the stuffs in my life!

I've been dreaming

I have been dreaming.
I have been dreaming out of a conversation. A little mention and it is an excuse for me to make a big movie within my mind. I have been dreaming and my dream has been just that, without hopes: a stupid dream. But it's a dream. And a dream is always a dream.
I want to spread my wings and fly away. I feel trapped with chains. Unbreakable chains of gold.
There's no great love for me.
There are no great hopes.
Reality touches and runs away.
Reality strikes in dreams.
Reality strikes in lies. In truths.
I am hoping for that never coming day. I am hoping for this long, long road to finish!
Voices are all the same. Faces are all the same.
It happens that the streets are always the same too. Night and day, there's no great changes happening.
Vampires stalks us in every dark corner. Werewolves take glimpses of us, in their day light human shape. They smell the fear.
My steps won't be tattooed in any street corner. I won't be the light of someone's dark corner.  Won't be the heat of anyone's bed. No time for that. There's simply no time. I don't want to spend too much time with anyone: the risk of loving is big, the risk of getting obsessed with a face, with a body, ways to move, to look, to think, to act is way bigger.
I don't want to be in love.
I don't want to be obsessed.
Sex is enough.
But sex doesn't fills long hours of emptiness and loneliness.
I need something more.
More drugs!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Old letters and clothes

I have cleaning the mess in my bedroom.
I've gone through old clothes. I put some of them aside, so they can be put in the clothing containers. The good ones, the ones that still suit me have been kept. Sweat-shirts, t-shirts, pants, jackets. My closet got way "thiner". It was necessary for a looong time! And it's finally done.
Same has happened with old letters. I don't write a single letter for more than three years now. I have no money for the postage. Postage is more and more expensive (and it might get even more expensive, lowering the already low service of CTT [Portuguese mail services], if they go private as planned). I keep some letters, like the ones from my Finnish friend, Soila, Elizabeth, the Greek amazing goddess or Erin, my American girlfriend! There are other letters that are keptm but this is just to mention some obvious. There are people that I'm planning on writing them again. But it might be useless and pointless three years after. I've been going throu all the letters that I,ve had here and I,ve sent them to the recycling container. More and more have been gone through the same process after that.
Maybe by doing this, it'll be helpful for what I need to do the most in my life. One of the stuffs, is the job hunting. I just went to check the website of a chain of super and hyper markets to submit my name and contact, but I need to send the resume. I don't have any in here, in this tablet. I can't link my USB pen drive, to add my resume. And it is annoying me.
I have been going through some stuffs and I think that there's lots more I need to go through yet. And I am not wanting to stop for anyone. And I won't be stopping for anything. I won't be stopping for anyone.
I've been going through old clothes. I've been going through old letters. And I am going through my old life: things have to be changed and I am claiming my place in it!

Friday, November 08, 2013

Digital Confessions

Digital Confessions is my newest blog with my good friend, Erin. At this time, I am still awaiting for her to accept the authoring request.
I am not writing any longer, as I just wanted to share this new with all of my readers. :)

Sunday, November 03, 2013

I was missing this

I was missing to come to this store and sit in front of the computer. Things always feel / look beter when there's a computer, withn a proper screen and a proper keyboard to type. Using a tablet can be so much fun, but never when it comes to type in my blog. I was also missing the dudes around here. It doesn't feels comfortable when it comes to have some of these dudes staring at your computer, but it still feels good and fun when you realise about one dude or another doing some stuffs... erm, like wanking under the desk! It's funny and, forgive me for being so honest, it's pleasant to see it and to notice it.

I have been listening to Metal. For a few weeks thatb this has been happening. I believe that this is my natural "state" and that this is my "normal shape". I am wearing black too. Nothing to do with being a metal fan, but it's all about my "normal shape". I have decided to wear colours in my clothes, to be a bit more "normal" and it has been working. But there's one day of the week, at least, that I feel the need to wear black clothes: like in the good fucking times!

Some of the Metal I listen to, might be considered "chicks Heavy Metal", like Doro Pesch. I like it, quite a lot, and these are some classics. If people don't like it, too bad: I love fucking Metal music. I love the music I listen to and I dare to say that I have quite an exquisite music taste (may it be in Metal or in any other kinds of music).

I was missing all this.

Three Songs That Would Suit My Novel's Soundtrack

This entry is just another one to share songs. Sharing three songs that, when listened, they make sense and they mean the whole world to me. I am sharing three songs, that make sense for one of my novels, I am sharing three songs that mean the whole world to me and i am sharing three songs that can be the "impulse " I am needing to start typing that story, after having it stopped for a few years (although those years mean nothing, when it's compared to the ones i have stopped for about 7 or 8 years, without even trying to make them shorter stories).

Just listen and feel. Enjoy it. Pay atention to the songs and to the musics. It's all important here.