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Showing posts from 2013

making decisions / making changes

New year's coming. With it, people tend to make decisions and plans: some wan to get a better job; others want to get a boyfriend / girlfriend; some want to travel; others want to see this or that; and the never ending list of what people want alwyas pop up in the New Year's time.
Some people write their plans down. Others keep them in their inds and hearts, as I do, like if it were some kind of praying they kept repeating with their whole hearts.
I am not going to type down about my plans. Seems this is the year for some people to start planning their New Coming Year's movements. It's the same for me. I am not looking any of the entries of the previous New Years' eves. If I have ever said that I was planning anything for the coming years, I would have been lying. This is the first year that I am planning something. And by planning, I am writing about something that when December started, I have decided and that I have started even before the month has begun.
A fe…

I've survived

I've survived!
While walking the cold dark streets, I was thinking about this.
I've survived!
What have I survived to?

I have survived to the death of dearest people of mine. People that I have never thought I could live any further without;I have survived to the death of pets;I have survived to the streets and its' thugs;I have survived to bad companies and I have survived to the separation of the most dearest people and friends;I have surived to the death of some friends: some were old enough to be my grandparents, others could be my brothers;I have survived to disease;I have survived to depression, self-hate and self-esteem. I have survived to long hours of planning to what my suicide and to what my funeral would be like;I have survived to the destruction of my soul;I have to way too many things. The list keeps going. The list is way bigger and I have always been like cats: I have multiple lifes and I have wasted quite a few of them. I have always fallen on my feet, no …

Writing

It turns out hard to write! It turns out hard to write poetry, stories or whatever I want to write!

Last night, I've started to type a short story and after two pages it got deleted! I will not go further on details, names, dates, but yep, this happens! Yep, it has happened: the short story has been triggered by a message on Facebook and I've go throught that thinking about people. It would be a rude, dirty, kinky story and I have started to think that I would have to change the whole concept of it, so that lots of blood and torture could be included! But nah... It got deleted!

In my poetry, I also write about people! I write about events, without great details! I write about life! The more important is to live and only then to write: without living, I wouldn't have anything to write about! If I went to write about my feelings only, it would be a neverending weeping-bible and that's not the point... that's not my point at all!

It's time to end up here... one ho…

Daywalk In The Woods

I have mentioned in the previous post that I have had things to do in the morning. Alongside with the sleepless night, foccused in other stuffs, I have gone for a walk after I have got all the things done. This walk has been very different of the ones I am used to do. I have had the chance to go for a walk in royal woods. According to what I have read in the message's board, with the info about that place, one of the Portuguese queens ordered that a wall was built around the woods. In the middle, there's a clearing. Lots of paths. Lots of trees. Peace. Quiet. Humidity.
Someday, with paper and colouring materials, I could definitely give a tr on going there and sitting somewhere in the woods, painting. Or I could grab my notebooks and my pens and I cold sit down there, writing. Letting the things go with the flow. Maybe my writings could get anything different, than what they get from the night and day views of my city. Maybe, even highed, my thoughts would be different from t…

Neurotic (Christmas is coming!)

I haven't slept last night. I have had things to do this morning and as I was fearing to keep sleeping, I have prefered to stay awake, doing other stuffs. I am almost fainting with the need of sleep. I am tired. I have walked a lot. But this... well, about walkings and other stuffs, I think I'll let them be for later on. Maybe to the next entry.
I am feeling neurotic, like I always feel when Christmas is too close. I thought that I wouldn't type about this. I also have decided to avoid thinking about this. But the fact is that all this fucking Christmas thing is annoying me pretty much.
Christmas is supposed to be the family's eve and I don't have much of what I can call of a family. My father died in 1997 (do the maths and you'll be able to reach there). After his death, "his" family entered in a war with my mother. It isn't necessary to say that this has driven us to walk different and separate paths. The only family that I have considered as m…

Christmas and New Year's eve / Sex and Creation

Typing or writing hasn't been an easy thing. I think that in my previous posts I have left this way clear. But still I try. Still I struggle and fight to get all the things done. He I am, in the end of the afternoon, typing in a bare empty cafe. Not the cafe where I usually go, so that I can ensure to be left quiet and alone.
I have felt sad. Strangely melancholic.
There are pointless and useless topics to type about. I have writen a phrase and it has been deleted right away. People don't need t know eveything about my life. And it can be applied to some people in my life, who tend to ask me to help them with quests I am not really into. Then they realise they won't be getting my hand on those errands, so them use other people to pressure and to, in a last instance, to embarrass me. It's ok. It's everything ok.
Christmas is coming. In a week, it'll be the day of the year I hate the most. I haven't writen or typed about this yet. I've even avoided to t…

Days without typing

Days without typing. Days without proper writing.
Last night, I've writen a couple more of poems. I am honestly doubting of the quality of my verses. I am honestly wishing to publish them.
Days without typing and my mind goes blank when I sit in front of the tablet. When I am at home, without Internet connection, it seems way easier to think about something that I could write. Then in front of the paper or in front of the tablet, it all vanishes away.
Days without typing and it seems so wicked and twisted this way.  Wish I could go back to painting and drawing, with the security that I used to feel in times. But it seems impossible now.
Days without typing or writing. Days without being able to le my soul flow.
Good afternoon!

Mental Status: too highed for his own security!

Where in this world?
I've always thought an seriously imagined that when we've reached the adult age, there would be some kind of sign. Something truly markable.
In the other day, I have realised that I am seriously a 26 years old man, mentally aged 15 and acting a bit alike that. Could have this been my own sign?
I am in the cafe, but this is not comfortable to write. Maybe because there are too many familiar or friendly faces around. Maybe because I'm highed. Maybe not.
I was in the right path. I have chosen to do the right thing. My heart was filled with good and honest intentions. And there gone the good intentions down the toilet yesterday in the afternoon. I choose. I mistake. Mea Culpa
I am nothing. I have chosen to be nothing. I have chosen to act like that. Now I want to change no one truly believes me! Mea culpa
Making much more sense to shut up, to lock my-fucking-self up at home, not allowing myself to see anyone, nor anyone to see me. It's my fault, I sha…

Social utilities, hook up, blogging and ideas...

I have been looking forward some way to type or write down. In the last few days, all I have been able to do was to try to write in my notebooks and pass the pen over what I have previously writen. Today, I have been at my aunt's house and I have spent the whole afternoon checking my Facebook, my Twitter , my Tumblr (where I have posted a few things, but they haven't been exactly what I was looking forward) and some other online stuffs. I have closed one social utility that was simply consuming my time, without a reason to. It was a website to meet people and I wasn't really interest on meeting anyone. It was just to see what was going on the single people's world.

I have typed about closing my blogs. starting them all over, from the very beggining. I wouldn't be deleting any of my blogs, but they would be "abandoned". I would leave my old thoughts, with all the mistakes and all the longings, desires, hopes, melancholies. People would be able to see where…

Motivational images / Browsing rules and tips

I do speak quite a lot about my novels. I do type quite a lot about them. But I do not type them down. In times, I would sit in front of the computer and write. Write a lot, even if the final result wasn,t as good as I was expecting. But nowadays, it is something that I speak fondly about.
In times, on my Greek goddess' blog, I've seen a post about something that she has found out online, with eight rules / advises for making writing easier. And I have thought about this lately.
On my Facebook page, I do follow some pages with writing / artistic advises, pictures, quotes and whatever more that only God knows. And so I went to look for the images I have just downloaded to my aunt's tablet.
The entry of my Greek goddess' blog with those simple rules is the following one.
http://indigojester.blogspot.pt/2012/12/fantastic-amazing-hilarious-writing.html
And off I go to browse for something more. Or off I go to play something in here. Or off I go to do anything else. http:…

Nightwalks, full moon, conversations and subtile messages

The full moon was shinning last night.
Like I've done more often lately, I have decided to do a night walk, after a few minor events. While walking down the streets to return home due to boredom (I had not my earphones with me, so no music at all for me), I have met a boy who's the neighboor of a friend. They have gone to a darts' championship, but this boy has decided to return earlier. He asked if I wanted some company to go to my building. I replied to him that I didn't wanted to go home, so he has joined me on a long night walk.
While walking up and down the streets, we've been chatting and the chit chat turned onto a very interesting conversation with many topics, sexuality included.
We have walked the streets, while we were talking. And when things hitted the sexuality topic, it felt like he was sending me a subtile message that he was needing something, although that he has said to me that he was straight, he had never tried anything with another man and he …

Alter-egos, e-books and writing

I have recently started a blog with my American friend, Ering Leigh. At the time that we've been talking about the blog, I have asked her if she was using any kind of nickname or if she wold be signing with her real name. She said that she was signing it with her name: she's never been anything else than Erin and she loved her name. She's the Sad Tomato: the kind of name that I've read from her a while ago, I don,t know on which occasion. And it's a pretty nice name.
I have been thinking seriously about my nickname. I am using my real names: Bruno Miguel. But I have also thought on signing those entries as Angel Alucard. In fact, I have changed the authoring name to Angel Alucard and I just put it back to Bruno Miguel. It is being a strange thing to struggle about another name to use. Angel Alucard is somewhat of my alter-ego. More than simply one of the characters of the novels that I keep typing about (without typing the novels), he's just part of me; he'…

A busy afternoon

I could plan what I wanted to type one million times. I could plan, soeak those lines to myself countless times and still wouldn't work out. Whenever I finally sit to type, things would be vanished! I want to play one of the many games that I've download for my aunt's tablet (some of them require an Internet connection, what means that I need to play them here), but I never start playing without doing everything that I need to do first.
A boy who I now, showed me the European Card of Health services. If you're an European citizen, travelling throu the European Union, Switzerland, Iceland and another country ending in Land whose name I can't remember, you should have one. It assures you medical assistance, in case you get sick and need to go to an ER. In the other hand, it's pretty useless if you have a chronic disease and you want or need to move along to another country. I'm working on getting that card, but it'll be a bit useless for me.
My friend Cr…

To a very special friend

Give me your hand! Out of their abandon, I'll carry you away with me! There won't be any more pain! There won't be no more hate!
So many people out there and not even a single really matters. What matters the world? What matters what they say? Who really cares?
Out of pain, hate, hopeless thoughts and feelings, we're just like ghosts: they don't notice us. We see the truth through and out of them. We feel their pain. We feel their fear. We taste the poison in their souls.
In the lights of the city, we see loneliness mirrored. I feel like the old and smelly river crossing my city. You're just like the night sky of your own city. Our shadows make no difference. Not now. But when we leave this world behind, when we're finally the stardust, what will mater what they've said?

A tiny waterfall makes it typical sound close to an old house. The woods surrounding it almos hide your place. The woods almost hide you. But your energy is strong: I can feel it! I ca…

too many e-mail accounts

Through the years, I've created several e-mail accounts. Some of them, I didn't even have thought about them, exceot when I've needed to get a new account somewhere else and when I've needed to get a different e-mail for that: I didn't wanted that the blog that I've secretely got (when the storm hitted my life) got attached to these ones, it's dead by now, but the yahoo e-mail serves for my newer blog with Sad Tomato (Erin). Also for that blog, I've had to get a gmail.com account. According to what I remember, gmail allows us to get the e-mail from other e-mail accounts. If it can get more than e-mail atached to it, that's a fair simple and plain solution for the amount of e-mail.
Continuing with this, I also have a secret e-mail account for secret twitter and tumblr accounts. I think that I will have to check this most recent gmail account: if I can attached all of my e-mails to it, it'll be nice. I can just get a new one, for job issues and al…

I've been dreaming

I have been dreaming.
I have been dreaming out of a conversation. A little mention and it is an excuse for me to make a big movie within my mind. I have been dreaming and my dream has been just that, without hopes: a stupid dream. But it's a dream. And a dream is always a dream.
I want to spread my wings and fly away. I feel trapped with chains. Unbreakable chains of gold.
There's no great love for me.
There are no great hopes.
Reality touches and runs away.
Reality strikes in dreams.
Reality strikes in lies. In truths.
I am hoping for that never coming day. I am hoping for this long, long road to finish!
Voices are all the same. Faces are all the same.
It happens that the streets are always the same too. Night and day, there's no great changes happening.
Vampires stalks us in every dark corner. Werewolves take glimpses of us, in their day light human shape. They smell the fear.
My steps won't be tattooed in any street corner. I won't be the light of someone's …

Old letters and clothes

I have cleaning the mess in my bedroom.
I've gone through old clothes. I put some of them aside, so they can be put in the clothing containers. The good ones, the ones that still suit me have been kept. Sweat-shirts, t-shirts, pants, jackets. My closet got way "thiner". It was necessary for a looong time! And it's finally done.
Same has happened with old letters. I don't write a single letter for more than three years now. I have no money for the postage. Postage is more and more expensive (and it might get even more expensive, lowering the already low service of CTT [Portuguese mail services], if they go private as planned). I keep some letters, like the ones from my Finnish friend, Soila, Elizabeth, the Greek amazing goddess or Erin, my American girlfriend! There are other letters that are keptm but this is just to mention some obvious. There are people that I'm planning on writing them again. But it might be useless and pointless three years after. I'v…

I was missing this

I was missing to come to this store and sit in front of the computer. Things always feel / look beter when there's a computer, withn a proper screen and a proper keyboard to type. Using a tablet can be so much fun, but never when it comes to type in my blog. I was also missing the dudes around here. It doesn't feels comfortable when it comes to have some of these dudes staring at your computer, but it still feels good and fun when you realise about one dude or another doing some stuffs... erm, like wanking under the desk! It's funny and, forgive me for being so honest, it's pleasant to see it and to notice it.

I have been listening to Metal. For a few weeks thatb this has been happening. I believe that this is my natural "state" and that this is my "normal shape". I am wearing black too. Nothing to do with being a metal fan, but it's all about my "normal shape". I have decided to wear colours in my clothes, to be a bit more "normal…

Three Songs That Would Suit My Novel's Soundtrack

This entry is just another one to share songs. Sharing three songs that, when listened, they make sense and they mean the whole world to me. I am sharing three songs, that make sense for one of my novels, I am sharing three songs that mean the whole world to me and i am sharing three songs that can be the "impulse " I am needing to start typing that story, after having it stopped for a few years (although those years mean nothing, when it's compared to the ones i have stopped for about 7 or 8 years, without even trying to make them shorter stories).
Just listen and feel. Enjoy it. Pay atention to the songs and to the musics. It's all important here.

Social networks, hook up and the whole thing

My aunt has requested Internet for her house. She also bought a tablet. I think she feels quite lonely and this is a way of her to grant that I come here. She doesn't needs to do that to have my company. I love my aunt and even when she had television only, I would come here for lunch and to spend a few hours with her. But that is not the point, althou it still "hits" loneliness.
In times, I used to have an account on a website for gay men. I have deleted all the old and unused accounts. Now I back there. I have gotten 13 messages since the last time that I have been there. For some people, that might not be much. For me, that is too much. Older men looking for whatever it is. I opened the profiles, shutted them off and deleted the messages.
Due to a friend of mine (actually, an ex-penpal of mine), I have created an account on a website of the kind. It is the old website where I used to be before Facebook (me and a whole group of people, friends, acquaintances and anonymou…

I just want a bit of quiet and peace

Staying up until late. It is my daily routine. I always find smethng interesting to do. In times, I used to be on a social network for men. I have deleted my account on it, but now I have gotten a new account on another social utility. It is the social utility used before Facebook and I am there out of curiosity. It,s weird, but I can still recognize old "lines" from the website. It is weird though.
I am wanting to type this and then... well, I might just lay down and sleep. I have had sme ideas on what to do, but I know that I mgiht fond an excuse to stay awake another night long. I feel sleepy and tired, but still I am in the mood for more discoveries. I am wanting to la down, but at the same time, I am wanting to keep here, seing other people and other stuffs.
Days ago, I have opened Facebook and I have decided to go through my friends and put them in the various lists. My family is in restricted and family lists. I want to avoid over-sharing with them. They haven't bee…

Random thoughts, Full Moon, anger

Let me type about something random. I could type about my night. On how I did got so annoyed, so mad, that I am still a bit pissed off. Too damned bothered, to be able to relax. I am listening to music, to try to calm down. It is not working, although my mind seems to start flowing more softly. It is entering in the "zone" of soft sadness, after a grand attack of bad mood. Me at my best! It is all cool. It'll be chilling soon. I hope. Random thoughts. What can I type about? The Full Moon that I haven't looked at, due to the Earthly problems? About vampires, werewolves, witches dancing in a forest? About how life and the night are calling for me, and here I am, inside my dungeon, on the 5th floor of a building of apartments. Here I am, trapped by my boring, soul killing daily / nightly routine, without a single move to improve / change it.  I could type about something more. Maybe about the forever plans for tomorrows, that turn into another tomorrows. It wouldn't wo…

Arab music

Late in the night. I have just arrived, after spending a few hours in the gas station with a few friends. While I have been there, someone has spoken about the arab language. It is the kind of language that the person considered cool and very beautiful, but some kind of language that doesn't allows him to understand it.
One of the many kinds of music that I truly enjoy is the arab style. Of course that like all the styles, I am not into all the musics. I don't know much of arab music, but there are a few musics that really pleases me. There are many musics that drive me so crazy, that I start moving my hips and I start making my belly moving, under the clothes.
As I have downloaded loads of music, the same has happened with this kind of it. There are quite a few to be deletes for a dew countable reasons: the music is too short, what means the song is not complete; the music doesn't pleases me as it should and it could be continued. But I still want to go through the download…

Music, lyrics, escapes...

I have a little idea that I have written that I would like to share a few songs, with their lyrics right below it. I've done that with Stone Sour's amazing "Through Glass" and Doro Pesch's awesome "Heaven I See". Both great songs, from great artists. Both lyrics have touched me in different and special ways.
The first one, has a lot saying by itself.
The second song... well, it speaks about love. Loving the person for what he / she is. Forgiving the bad things. Holding in the arms and supporting through the bad times. Inner hell burns. It feels like heaven.
Maybe madness heals madness.
Similarity annoys me. In fact, I feel quite disturbed by people who are very alike me.
This has been just an idea. I can't remember if I have really typed about such idea or if it just stayed inside my mind. But the thing has started working. And I think that it'll happen more times, when I am feeling like it.
One way to allow my inner demon to rule his hell, is to unle…

there's still no such great love for me

You hold me when I'm sad
You love me when I'm bad
It feels like I'm falling
Heaven I see and it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see I thought I would die before I met you
You brought back to life all that is true Chorus:
You hold me when I'm sad
You forgive me when I'm bad... Bridge:
I've walked through the fire
Been baked through the coals
You lifted me higher
Both body and soul, Yeah Chorus:
Heaven I see
And it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see. Yeah
Heaven I see
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see and it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Is finally set free
Heaven I see, Yeah

Words are needless. It says it all

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget... you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect to bitter folks
And while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene

rain... heavy rain...

Like I have typed in the previous entry, it has been raining. What seemed to be a regular Autumnal rain, turned out to be a very heavy rain. It rained as if the sky was falling. It rained until the road become, literally, a mini river. Plastic bags by the trash containers side, were dragged by the running water. Lightening has been hitting. Weak thunders.
Heavy rain. Heavy rain falling. Waterfalls created in the buildings outter walls. Rivers on the road. I am trying to imagine the strenght of the waters in the small river the crosses the city. People with umbrellas. Useless umbrellas, due to the amount of water and the strenght of the wind. People inside the cafe talking. Watching the rain. Life passing by and the entire universe of my being foccused on the rain.
Night. Late night. If it were summertime, it would be breaking dawn in about half an hour. Right now, it's still dark night. The blue moonlight lightens the darkest corners. Through the window of my living / dinning roo…

It's raining

Awesome, gloomy nights. Not too cold. They're not hot either. The fog comes down and the idea of a thunderstorm excites me. Nothing happens.

Today, it has been raining. I have been with a very good and of friend of mine. We've had time to talk. I got all the news I had to get. We've had the time to walk under the rain, tohide some balconies from the buildings. While walking down the street, the rain was falling on me. I have had the chance to think. To think seriously. Words from friends. Spoken words that are making me lift my head and making think: "how can I do this?", instead of just thinking: "I can't do this". There's still some struggling about thr fact of getting up and move for it. But it's missing a very short step.

I am sick and tired of the point my life's at. I am needing more than this lifestyle can offer me. And it is not good... unless I direct my energy to do the things. And that's what has to happen, because I don,t w…

About nightwalks, coffee and my life

Years ago, I read one post at E.'s blog. She typed about nightwalks. At that time, I was a bit too young to understand such thing. Nowadays, night walks are the regular stuff for me. With people or by myself. In way many times, with cold, rain, in hot nights... I went out of m flat, picked the elevator to leave my 5th floor and go out. I walk with no destination. I walk to the gas station to drink one coffee. One more coffee.
The nearly full moon in the sky has been my company tonight. People have left the cafe earlier than usually. Most of those who were there, wasn't the kind of company that I wanted. I came home and left again. To the gas station. I walked up the avenue. Stopped by the gas station. This fat gay man, friend of a friend, asked me about our mutual friend. He also asked me if I found the boy that I've greeted handsome. "Yes, he is" I replied "but I like bigger men". 
I have left. Slowly, with my earphones playing the music, I walked down t…

There's a little flame within

Despite all my words and actions.
Despite all the hate and all the cold that seems to freeze my heart, there's a little flame within it. The little flame fights and resists to all the bad experiences, failures, disapointments. It keeps burning, surrounded by the ice. But still, it burns. There's not enough cold to kill it.
My heart has a little flame.
Behind all the bad things, there's always a little hope burning.
Let me spread my wings and fly away freely.
It doesn't really matters what keeps my trapped.
All the lies,
All the denials,
All the disapointments,
They don't really matter.
Every wound has it own story.
Every person lives a very single and personal history.
Every single memory will be unique. No one has the same memory / view of the things.
Every single singer can sing about love. But each and everyoneof them will have his / her own view and feeling of it.

Self-love, self-hate.
They're both burning in a single chest.
And we still fear. We still hate. We still argue…

Thoughts

I am looking for a meaning for so many things.
Sometimes, in the street, it seems that I smoke a bit less than at home. At home, I can smoke freely. Outside, there'll always be someone asking for a cigarette, so I keeo themmfor longer time. I don't smoke and tell prople that I don't have cigarettes. They'll last. At ome, they'll simply burn.
I am aware that I don't have another option, but to get up and go for it. I meed to go and do it. I need to fight for what I need to. Instead, I am just sitting down, typing endlessly. Eternal complaints and moans and groans about how life shits and sucks. I won't get anywhere while I keep accepting things this way. But I still feel unable to give an efficient reply to that situation. It sucks and fucks continuosly with my mind. I sucks and it is just my business to go and do it.
Stop complaining, asshole!
You typed similar words in the other blog http://cronicasdavitima.blogspot.com .

You must get up and GO FOR IT AND JUST …

#*€%

This is not a poetry. Nor an attempt of it. This might change, as I continuosly keep changing the kind of music that I'm listening to. Right now, Blackmore's Night sing their "I still remember". I was in the desert and now I am back in time. Castles. Knights. Lust. Burning candle in the church. The cathedral looks way newer, but it looks a bit darker inside. Other times. Love. Love brings poetry and hope carrying on. Lust keeps us alive. Danger outside is a reason more than valid to have something to make us feel like that. Centuries have passed and it hasn't changed much. In other meanings, it has changed quite a lot.
I am trying. In one hand, I really am. In the other, it seems that I am trying, but not the right and meaningful things. I know about that. I know exactly what's wrong with me. And it is not anything that I just could distress about. It is about my own options.
Time to let go of this for now.