Monday, December 30, 2013

making decisions / making changes

New year's coming. With it, people tend to make decisions and plans: some wan to get a better job; others want to get a boyfriend / girlfriend; some want to travel; others want to see this or that; and the never ending list of what people want alwyas pop up in the New Year's time.
Some people write their plans down. Others keep them in their inds and hearts, as I do, like if it were some kind of praying they kept repeating with their whole hearts.
I am not going to type down about my plans. Seems this is the year for some people to start planning their New Coming Year's movements. It's the same for me. I am not looking any of the entries of the previous New Years' eves. If I have ever said that I was planning anything for the coming years, I would have been lying. This is the first year that I am planning something. And by planning, I am writing about something that when December started, I have decided and that I have started even before the month has begun.
A few entries ago, I have also tyoed about some changes: I was getting rid of some ld clothes and donating them for the charity containers, tha,ll be distributed for people wo need those clothes that I no longer wear (now I ask why for charity, when I hate 90% of the human kind? I truly hate people and this hate is a blessing that I have been getting in the last couple of years. And about the remaining 10%... I just tolerate them. I think that I only like / love 1% of the human beings). I got rid of some old letters and kept the meaningful ones. I also got rid of some old stuff that I have had n my bedroom. Now the change that I need to do, is moving the furniture from it's place to new ones. It can also be the old places where it were before. But it's changing anyways. The wicked-motherfucking-furniture is in the same place for years now. My bedrroms needs a new look and it might be the changing that'll unlock my motivation and my will.
I also have had doubts about those social networks. Facebook. Twitter. My blogs. I wanted to delete all the stuffs, except the blogs, and to start new ones. It will happen in the due time. I'll just keep a certain Alt account. I'll keep my blogs, but I'll move The Chronicles Of The Victim to the new Google account. Or I'll evolve it out of that old blog.
The decision is made: blogs, tumblr, facebook, twitter and the shitty-sparkling thingies of digital life will get deleted or moved along.
Changes... they include so much more than one can think or dream off.

So there is so much to be done in 2014. So move your skinny ass, Bruno, and run... run for your life, because the end is near!

I've survived

I've survived!
While walking the cold dark streets, I was thinking about this.
I've survived!
What have I survived to?

  1. I have survived to the death of dearest people of mine. People that I have never thought I could live any further without;
  2. I have survived to the death of pets;
  3. I have survived to the streets and its' thugs;
  4. I have survived to bad companies and I have survived to the separation of the most dearest people and friends;
  5. I have surived to the death of some friends: some were old enough to be my grandparents, others could be my brothers;
  6. I have survived to disease;
  7. I have survived to depression, self-hate and self-esteem. I have survived to long hours of planning to what my suicide and to what my funeral would be like;
  8. I have survived to the destruction of my soul;
  9. I have to way too many things.
The list keeps going. The list is way bigger and I have always been like cats: I have multiple lifes and I have wasted quite a few of them. I have always fallen on my feet, no matter how harsh the hit has been.
Some people might ask me: "how do you see your life?". Times ago, I wold reply something cheap like: "a terrible thing" but nowadays I would reply to them something like this: "I see life like a game, where you have multiple lifes. When you die, in the screen, right in fron of your eyes, you'll have the mytical phrase: 'game over'. It is allowed to try, to test different ways or paths, but you have to be aware of the limit time you have to play the game. But it's a game, nothing more than a game!".
I've survived as a goth between thugs and chavs. I've conquered some friendships and some respects. In some cases, I've only earned a bit of those people's respect. And it is something good.
It feels good to walk the streets at night and where people, like my mum, see reasons to be affraid of, I see people who respect me and who I respect and that I feel quite honored to greet and to be greeted by. I see people that might take my back and protect me, as if we were born from the same womb.
I've survived to way too many things, but in some points, I'm still testing my luck. Seems that I haven't had enough, but I did. I really did!
I am now just typing. Checking some of social networks. Listening to music. I have other things to do and although some of them might be done tonight, others will have to wait.
I've survived to life. I have been living it at it's fullest. But I want and I need much more. And that's what I'm working to get. I have to go to sleep, but there's still a bit more that I want to type. Now that I've started, I'll try not to get lost.

Thursday, December 26, 2013


It turns out hard to write! It turns out hard to write poetry, stories or whatever I want to write!

Last night, I've started to type a short story and after two pages it got deleted! I will not go further on details, names, dates, but yep, this happens! Yep, it has happened: the short story has been triggered by a message on Facebook and I've go throught that thinking about people. It would be a rude, dirty, kinky story and I have started to think that I would have to change the whole concept of it, so that lots of blood and torture could be included! But nah... It got deleted!

In my poetry, I also write about people! I write about events, without great details! I write about life! The more important is to live and only then to write: without living, I wouldn't have anything to write about! If I went to write about my feelings only, it would be a neverending weeping-bible and that's not the point... that's not my point at all!

It's time to end up here... one hour has gone by and I haven't been able to do much, except to spend the money!

It turns out hard to write, when your mind is filled with many other things! When people are annoying you, you can always kill them in your stories. When people are too fussy, you can rape them in your stories. You can do whatever you want to them, like I do!

And someday, you might even read my dedicatory for all of you... Maybe!

Friday, December 20, 2013

Daywalk In The Woods

I have mentioned in the previous post that I have had things to do in the morning. Alongside with the sleepless night, foccused in other stuffs, I have gone for a walk after I have got all the things done. This walk has been very different of the ones I am used to do. I have had the chance to go for a walk in royal woods. According to what I have read in the message's board, with the info about that place, one of the Portuguese queens ordered that a wall was built around the woods. In the middle, there's a clearing. Lots of paths. Lots of trees. Peace. Quiet. Humidity.
Someday, with paper and colouring materials, I could definitely give a tr on going there and sitting somewhere in the woods, painting. Or I could grab my notebooks and my pens and I cold sit down there, writing. Letting the things go with the flow. Maybe my writings could get anything different, than what they get from the night and day views of my city. Maybe, even highed, my thoughts would be different from the inner of the woods.
There's only one bad thing about doing such walks (and believe me when I sa it has been a long, long walk): my feet are killing me! They hurt, aswell my waist / hips hurt! I am feeling like an old man, but not like some of the old men jogging there!

Neurotic (Christmas is coming!)

I haven't slept last night. I have had things to do this morning and as I was fearing to keep sleeping, I have prefered to stay awake, doing other stuffs. I am almost fainting with the need of sleep. I am tired. I have walked a lot. But this... well, about walkings and other stuffs, I think I'll let them be for later on. Maybe to the next entry.
I am feeling neurotic, like I always feel when Christmas is too close. I thought that I wouldn't type about this. I also have decided to avoid thinking about this. But the fact is that all this fucking Christmas thing is annoying me pretty much.
Christmas is supposed to be the family's eve and I don't have much of what I can call of a family. My father died in 1997 (do the maths and you'll be able to reach there). After his death, "his" family entered in a war with my mother. It isn't necessary to say that this has driven us to walk different and separate paths. The only family that I have considered as mine, has been my family of my mother's side. Grandmum and granddad, who have died too, by now. My family is left to 3 people: me, mum and aunt. All the others... well, I do speak to my father's family nowadays, but they're nothing but strangers to me. The few remaining people from my granma's side (mum's mum), they're too old and I don't feel s comfortable around them and their decadence. The typical decadence of elderly. Others are too far or I am not that close to them. From grandpa's side... they're literally shit and beng dead or alive... it's all the same for me.
Christmas is also the season of hypocrisy. People hate each others during the whole fucking year and when Christmas arrives, they're all friends. They pass by and smie to eah others, hiding the knives behind their back. After Christmas, they start stabbing each others' in the back again.
I am neurotic. Due to the lack of sleep. Due to my thoughts. Due to all this crappy eve and I am so looking forward all this is finally over. Then everyone get back to the normal and my neurosis can calm down a little bit. But just a little bit. I am neurotic most of the time, although I can hide it very well (and, in the other hand, maybe not!).
The good thing about this sleepless night. The good thing about all the nights that I have spent awaken, doing other stuffs, seing other stuffs, is that it has allowed me to practice my plans mentaly. There are stuffs that I want to do. They are necessary for me. And I got t say that after seing the comercial a new series that's about t bein, where a serial killer had various and many websites, blogs, forums... that calms me down a little bit. It makes me feel more normal, althought it puts me at the level of a serial killer.
I am neurotic. Christmas isn't helping. But since I keep creating and gping after all the plans I want and need to develop... it's all good!
And don't worry, people. My plan doesn't include start to kill people massively (althou in my beliefs, the world would be much better without human beings!)

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Christmas and New Year's eve / Sex and Creation

Typing or writing hasn't been an easy thing. I think that in my previous posts I have left this way clear. But still I try. Still I struggle and fight to get all the things done. He I am, in the end of the afternoon, typing in a bare empty cafe. Not the cafe where I usually go, so that I can ensure to be left quiet and alone.
I have felt sad. Strangely melancholic.
There are pointless and useless topics to type about. I have writen a phrase and it has been deleted right away. People don't need t know eveything about my life. And it can be applied to some people in my life, who tend to ask me to help them with quests I am not really into. Then they realise they won't be getting my hand on those errands, so them use other people to pressure and to, in a last instance, to embarrass me. It's ok. It's everything ok.
Christmas is coming. In a week, it'll be the day of the year I hate the most. I haven't writen or typed about this yet. I've even avoided to think about that, but it's coming. And it can go to the hell with itself. Burn down all Christmas trees and make all those lamps to explode. Fireworks it is. Fireworks they could be. My mother insists on setting up the tree, while my cat keeps pulling down the balls. He has bite the lamps wire, so they don't work now. *good kitty ^^* I want this week to pass fast. I want these holidays to end soon.
New year's eve is something I completely despise too. It is just another day for me. Nothing special and something that I don't celebrate. I usually spend it at home woth my mother and with my aunt. Every single year I get invited to celebrate it with my friends and every single year I do refuse the offers. Some people have their lovers to spend this day with. I refuse love(rs) too. Bring on the sex and leave love aside. No feelings involved mean the safety of my wicked mind and of my twisted heart.
I have Enigme back to one of my mobiles. I have been listening to their songs. I also have been wacthing some stuffs that I have downloaded to my mobile. Ideas for my porns / eroticas keep blowing withing my mind. Elias keep speaking and he has shown me a certain episode. It would work and suit well a short story, while I don't type the novel.
It goes...
It keeps going...
I am on The Alterium. There, I have seen lots of alternative men and ladies. Naked men and ladies all around. Some sexy. Others not so sexy. But people are friendly (or most of them). I got to say that at the age of 26, I should have grown up a bit more. Maybe i shouldn,t look at alternative men as the top "candies". Men in long hair or with rastas, in alternative styles... they make my dreams sweeter and the hardcore can suit them well too. Maybe they're fallen angels. Maybe they're the demons that I am looking forward to be again.
I miss... I miss wearing all in black, with spiked bracelet and black make-up. What I miss the most is covering the lines of my eyes wit the black eye-liner. I miss my dark look, although my heart has never really left the dark side. I still dream of them, big bodybuilders on a goth or punk look. Cops that turn onto goth angels / demons after dark.
My heart is in flames. My heart is a huge bonfire. Nothing burns so much lke my heart nor my soul. Not even the soul. Within me, there's a huge universe, awaitng to be explored. There are stories from the past. The present day includes spaceships and flying cars. The present day includes, maybe, other planets.
My words aren't clear at this moment. I feel that I am no longer able to write the beautiful things that once I've writen.
I am wanting to draw again. I am wanting to read a bit more. I am wanting to d so many things and I am doing nothing at all.
Christmas and New Year are coming. They can go fuck themselves.
My wishes for 2014? Maybe the same as all the previous ones: t mprove and change my life. But now, I want to do what it takes' instead of looking forward the Heaven to send them along to kock a my house's door.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Days without typing

Days without typing. Days without proper writing.
Last night, I've writen a couple more of poems. I am honestly doubting of the quality of my verses. I am honestly wishing to publish them.
Days without typing and my mind goes blank when I sit in front of the tablet. When I am at home, without Internet connection, it seems way easier to think about something that I could write. Then in front of the paper or in front of the tablet, it all vanishes away.
Days without typing and it seems so wicked and twisted this way.  Wish I could go back to painting and drawing, with the security that I used to feel in times. But it seems impossible now.
Days without typing or writing. Days without being able to le my soul flow.
Good afternoon!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Mental Status: too highed for his own security!

Where in this world?
I've always thought an seriously imagined that when we've reached the adult age, there would be some kind of sign. Something truly markable.
In the other day, I have realised that I am seriously a 26 years old man, mentally aged 15 and acting a bit alike that. Could have this been my own sign?
I am in the cafe, but this is not comfortable to write. Maybe because there are too many familiar or friendly faces around. Maybe because I'm highed. Maybe not.
I was in the right path. I have chosen to do the right thing. My heart was filled with good and honest intentions. And there gone the good intentions down the toilet yesterday in the afternoon. I choose. I mistake. Mea Culpa
I am nothing. I have chosen to be nothing. I have chosen to act like that. Now I want to change no one truly believes me! Mea culpa
Making much more sense to shut up, to lock my-fucking-self up at home, not allowing myself to see anyone, nor anyone to see me. It's my fault, I shall punish myself nd keep working on the changes.
Kneel. Close your eyes. Say it to yourself and start believing: "you're nothing, you'll never be anythingnand will never ever get anything, unless you get your fucking sorry ass up and go for it. Start working and working the mind for the changes. Start changing and changing the mind for sucess. It only depends on you. GO. RUN FOR YOUR SHITTY LIFE. MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS". Listen to those whispers becoming yells within your mental life. Do the changes there, so the changes are made out here. Stop being a simple viewer / spectator of this life and start creating a new one. It's for you. It's for me. For all those in our situation.
Call me. Don't do it. Speak to me in the streets or turn your face aside. See cars passing by or dare yourself to lose the fear of that comfortable place and be inside of one of them. See the moon in the city's sky or look down, allowing to chances to run away.
My mind is travelling.
My mind is close and far enough.
Time is pasing by and an urge to go home hits my soul.
"5 more minutes..." always turn onto endless hours lost...
Time to go. To shave my big beard and take a truly relaxing and warm shower. To let bad thoughts to go away with the water.

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Social utilities, hook up, blogging and ideas...

I have been looking forward some way to type or write down. In the last few days, all I have been able to do was to try to write in my notebooks and pass the pen over what I have previously writen. Today, I have been at my aunt's house and I have spent the whole afternoon checking my Facebook, my Twitter , my Tumblr (where I have posted a few things, but they haven't been exactly what I was looking forward) and some other online stuffs. I have closed one social utility that was simply consuming my time, without a reason to. It was a website to meet people and I wasn't really interest on meeting anyone. It was just to see what was going on the single people's world.

I have typed about closing my blogs. starting them all over, from the very beggining. I wouldn't be deleting any of my blogs, but they would be "abandoned". I would leave my old thoughts, with all the mistakes and all the longings, desires, hopes, melancholies. People would be able to see where did I came from and where I was at. But it is not the right time. Not yet. I still need to work a bit more on me, on myself, on getting my life in the right track.

Lately, I have been reading my friend Elizabete's blog. She has been writing about The Man. The Man that she has been meeting in the last couple months, who she's been going out with, The Man that she is slowly entering in a relationship with. I think that despite she has been thinking on getting her relationship with him done and finished, she's starting to fall in love with him. Slowly... very slowly... and I think that she has no idea about that yet (if you're reading this, excuse me, but that's what I am seing).
She shared an image with me on Facebook. "It's fucked up to depend on people", it said. And that is exactly why I do not give a try on that. That's also the reason why I am not into having someone on a regular basis. Because this is the way love can strikes us in it's worst shape: it can drives us nuts, makes us put our defenses down, driving us completely helpless on where to move.

In the last few days, I haven't been able to type. Like I have mentioned, I have been looking forward the inspiration and I've been looking forward the enthusiasm. My childish enthusiasm will never be back. It'll never ever be like before.

I have also used the websites where I am on to see people.
I see other people, dressed or naked and I fantasize what it would be like to be like them. I fantasize what it would be like to live one life like their's. And it's always just a fantasy. Social hook up websites, websites for alternative lifestyles and the incredibly huge list can serve the single purpose to see and fantaszie. Then I regret and I get such accounts deleted until the day the I return there.

It's incredible how days and days of a mental and inspirational block can end up just like this, due to a few hours at a friend's house, listening to music and working in our prides, like one blog.
I'll be gone soon...
I'll be walking the night streets soon.
It's cold outside and hours don't stop.
It is almost time to leave and to get home to keep writing. Wishing that such inspiration keeps, until I get my notebook in my hands, so that I can write my poems...

That's it... and I am pretty satisfied...
I am happy that I've been able to write this much...

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Motivational images / Browsing rules and tips

I do speak quite a lot about my novels. I do type quite a lot about them. But I do not type them down. In times, I would sit in front of the computer and write. Write a lot, even if the final result wasn,t as good as I was expecting. But nowadays, it is something that I speak fondly about.
In times, on my Greek goddess' blog, I've seen a post about something that she has found out online, with eight rules / advises for making writing easier. And I have thought about this lately.
On my Facebook page, I do follow some pages with writing / artistic advises, pictures, quotes and whatever more that only God knows. And so I went to look for the images I have just downloaded to my aunt's tablet.
The entry of my Greek goddess' blog with those simple rules is the following one.

And off I go to browse for something more. Or off I go to play something in here. Or off I go to do anything else.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Nightwalks, full moon, conversations and subtile messages

The full moon was shinning last night.
Like I've done more often lately, I have decided to do a night walk, after a few minor events. While walking down the streets to return home due to boredom (I had not my earphones with me, so no music at all for me), I have met a boy who's the neighboor of a friend. They have gone to a darts' championship, but this boy has decided to return earlier. He asked if I wanted some company to go to my building. I replied to him that I didn't wanted to go home, so he has joined me on a long night walk.
While walking up and down the streets, we've been chatting and the chit chat turned onto a very interesting conversation with many topics, sexuality included.
We have walked the streets, while we were talking. And when things hitted the sexuality topic, it felt like he was sending me a subtile message that he was needing something, although that he has said to me that he was straight, he had never tried anything with another man and he had never felt curious about it. But his behaviour was showing me something more and something deeper. Nothing has happened, but this is not the first time that a straight friend of mine sends me such subtile messages, with conversations or questions. In two different situations, I ended up satisfying friend's curiosity.
The full moon was shining high in the sky.
The full moon was driving me crazy.
The full moon was playing with this boy's senses.

While walking up and down the streets, we've seen different people. Two men riding horses. Policemen. People returning home and at the time we were retuening home, we've seen people going to their jobs. I got somewhat of confessions from this boy. I have shown him some of the lies I keep telling the world: I dislike being touched, I play dorty with men, because it is truly hard for me to get attached to someone, that I don't want a relationship. I have shown him the truth and the lies. I've got the truth from hm. I've got his companionship in the night walk.
Under the silver blue moon's brilliance, I have got some ideas. I have got some thoughts.
Friends with strange desires.
Acquaintances with subtile messages.

I don't judge people by their options. They're straight, but they feel curiois enough: fine. I'm here, but it does't means that I'll satisfy eavh and every one of them. It doesn't means either that I'll refuse that, especially if I am in the need of the same.
I don't pretend to be somethng different than what I really am. I tell little lies that harm no one. Those little lies might harm my-own-self, but the serve the simple purpose to keep me safe from feelings. Feelings that  want to try, but that I'm too affraid to.

There are way too many things. There are also way too many people out there.
Late on the night, I can listen to the voices. I can listen to the streets. I can listen to the passing cars.
I can listen to the confessions of my friends or to the subtile messages of my acquaintances.
I can love my friends and I do. Late in the night or early on the morning. But I can not be dependent of smeone's love to be alive and to be myself. I can not be dependent to someone's acceptance to be myself.

I just want to spread my wings and leave this world behind.
I want to forget about strange desires and subtile messages.
I want to forget about smiles, tears, voices, moments.

I simply want to fly away...
And vanish in the air...
But I keep living and I try to do the best out of my living. I try to be the best as  can with the minimal tools that I have in my possession. I tr to be the best friend that I can. As a lover, I try to be the wildest one. I leave all the sweetness to the pillow that once I placed between my legs and that I hold in my arms nowadays.

My life is made of simple desires. And strange longings. And hard dreams and countless hopes. High hopes. So high that I can not reach them.
My life. My existence. My core.
So many wasted chances. So much love wasted.
And I keep living. I always keep living and staying around.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Alter-egos, e-books and writing

I have recently started a blog with my American friend, Ering Leigh. At the time that we've been talking about the blog, I have asked her if she was using any kind of nickname or if she wold be signing with her real name. She said that she was signing it with her name: she's never been anything else than Erin and she loved her name. She's the Sad Tomato: the kind of name that I've read from her a while ago, I don,t know on which occasion. And it's a pretty nice name.
I have been thinking seriously about my nickname. I am using my real names: Bruno Miguel. But I have also thought on signing those entries as Angel Alucard. In fact, I have changed the authoring name to Angel Alucard and I just put it back to Bruno Miguel. It is being a strange thing to struggle about another name to use. Angel Alucard is somewhat of my alter-ego. More than simply one of the characters of the novels that I keep typing about (without typing the novels), he's just part of me; he's one of the voices in my mind.
But there's another issue on here: Elias! The newcomer. He keeps struggling about getting his voice heard. I think that he wants his name in that blog and I am seriously thinking. But there's the big problem with the surname: he has never told it to me and I am thinking on contless possibilities for it. Elias Gabriel is one of them and one of my favorites by far. If only I could make this task any easier...
A few hours ago, I went out to have my coffee and the cafe where I usually go on Sunday afternoons was closed. I came back, had my coffee in another place. I didn't gone to have a coffee on my own in that mall for years and while walking down te streets, I stopped by the book store window. I haven't read anything new and good for ages (I read one of my mother's books and it hans't pleased me that much.  Told her the book was "interesting", just not to let her feeling bad, so don't tell her, please!). I have no money to buy books. And so I reminded about m aunt's tablet, that actually was in the back pack that I was wearing and I reminded that Google Play Store has the book section, with free e-books. Those books, are samples or old books. Those books can entertain me for a while and actually the can give me goods ideas. They can help me to realise the big mess that is going within my mind. And that is one of the things that I still want to do, before closing the Internet connection and walking all alone in the night streets (6 pm + Autumn in Portugal = night time), heading home.
I might get something written out of these insane ideas that I have had. Some thoughts that can turn onto very beautiful texts: small or bigger ones. What really matters is writing. And writing my insanity down can be a very good therapy!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

A busy afternoon

I could plan what I wanted to type one million times. I could plan, soeak those lines to myself countless times and still wouldn't work out. Whenever I finally sit to type, things would be vanished! I want to play one of the many games that I've download for my aunt's tablet (some of them require an Internet connection, what means that I need to play them here), but I never start playing without doing everything that I need to do first.
A boy who I now, showed me the European Card of Health services. If you're an European citizen, travelling throu the European Union, Switzerland, Iceland and another country ending in Land whose name I can't remember, you should have one. It assures you medical assistance, in case you get sick and need to go to an ER. In the other hand, it's pretty useless if you have a chronic disease and you want or need to move along to another country. I'm working on getting that card, but it'll be a bit useless for me.
My friend Cristina, who's actually an ex-penpal of mine, lives in London. I've been asking her a few question and she has been pret useful on giving me the info I needed. It sucks that the places need more than simply that card for some stuffs we need. England is not the only European Union (shit heads) country, what means that are many options: all of them are limited due to that reason.
I have also been checking my e-mail accounts. Emptying the inboxes. I will improve the attachement of most of them to the newest gmail account that I've gotten. Perhaps, it also will be the new beggining that I'm needing of to add the e-mail account that I use for this blogger, facebook, twitter, tumblr and countless other stuffs. Or maybe, I'll just request the gmail account for these ones. We'll see. Maybe not now. Maybe not today.
I want to change way too many things. I don't want to try to change all of them today, or in this week. Maybe not even in this month. It'll take it's own time. I need to be realistic and face the truth. I need to put all the effort in the stuffs that I want and need to do, but only the effort that I know I'm able to stand. Putting too much effort won't work, if I can not stand all it takes or if I can not make it the way it needs to be done.
It has been a ver busy afternoon. I might not have changed much. I am pret sure that I haven't changed the world, but I am working towards the change of mine own. I want to change all this crap. I am working the little and tiny stuffs I can do about that.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

To a very special friend

Give me your hand! Out of their abandon, I'll carry you away with me! There won't be any more pain! There won't be no more hate!
So many people out there and not even a single really matters. What matters the world? What matters what they say? Who really cares?
Out of pain, hate, hopeless thoughts and feelings, we're just like ghosts: they don't notice us. We see the truth through and out of them. We feel their pain. We feel their fear. We taste the poison in their souls.
In the lights of the city, we see loneliness mirrored. I feel like the old and smelly river crossing my city. You're just like the night sky of your own city. Our shadows make no difference. Not now. But when we leave this world behind, when we're finally the stardust, what will mater what they've said?

A tiny waterfall makes it typical sound close to an old house. The woods surrounding it almos hide your place. The woods almost hide you. But your energy is strong: I can feel it! I can follow you anywhere you're going, for the simple reason that I am continuosly seeking you. I am continously following you, no matter how far you're going.
A tiny waterfall... you... an old house in the middle of the woods...
The big city out there. My body. Your body. Two different cities. Two different bodies. Two different souls. And still I am seeking your energy. And still, when walking the dangerous streets at night, I am thinking about you. And there's nothng else mattering.
The never ending cycle of cars and people passing by. The never ending cycle of love, hate, cheating, betrayal, sex, desire.

Close your eyes, my love!
Close your eyes when the wind start blowing!
Close your eyes if you walk close to the sea. Pray at your ver own and special way. Close your eyes and feel your feet in the sand.
Close your eyes, while your cuddling your cats. Close your eyes for a few minutes and feel the book's character to speak to you.
Close your eyes, my love, and feel the night blowing you one last kiss.
Let the moon guide your steps and close your eyes.

Nothing, but stardust...
Remember your words.
Remember about yourself.
Remember about your pride (let no thoughts or people to bring your pride down).
Nothing but stardust...

The waterfall.
The night sky.
The city.

I love you, my friend!
I love you!

too many e-mail accounts

Through the years, I've created several e-mail accounts. Some of them, I didn't even have thought about them, exceot when I've needed to get a new account somewhere else and when I've needed to get a different e-mail for that: I didn't wanted that the blog that I've secretely got (when the storm hitted my life) got attached to these ones, it's dead by now, but the yahoo e-mail serves for my newer blog with Sad Tomato (Erin). Also for that blog, I've had to get a account. According to what I remember, gmail allows us to get the e-mail from other e-mail accounts. If it can get more than e-mail atached to it, that's a fair simple and plain solution for the amount of e-mail.
Continuing with this, I also have a secret e-mail account for secret twitter and tumblr accounts. I think that I will have to check this most recent gmail account: if I can attached all of my e-mails to it, it'll be nice. I can just get a new one, for job issues and all the remaining stuffs. All the funny / secret / and all the crappy e-mails that I've gotten and where I do get e-mails of any kind, will be attached to the one I might get for this blog, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and all the shitty stuffs I fill my time with.
Too many e-mail accounts.
I do exagerate in most of the stuffs in my life!

I've been dreaming

I have been dreaming.
I have been dreaming out of a conversation. A little mention and it is an excuse for me to make a big movie within my mind. I have been dreaming and my dream has been just that, without hopes: a stupid dream. But it's a dream. And a dream is always a dream.
I want to spread my wings and fly away. I feel trapped with chains. Unbreakable chains of gold.
There's no great love for me.
There are no great hopes.
Reality touches and runs away.
Reality strikes in dreams.
Reality strikes in lies. In truths.
I am hoping for that never coming day. I am hoping for this long, long road to finish!
Voices are all the same. Faces are all the same.
It happens that the streets are always the same too. Night and day, there's no great changes happening.
Vampires stalks us in every dark corner. Werewolves take glimpses of us, in their day light human shape. They smell the fear.
My steps won't be tattooed in any street corner. I won't be the light of someone's dark corner.  Won't be the heat of anyone's bed. No time for that. There's simply no time. I don't want to spend too much time with anyone: the risk of loving is big, the risk of getting obsessed with a face, with a body, ways to move, to look, to think, to act is way bigger.
I don't want to be in love.
I don't want to be obsessed.
Sex is enough.
But sex doesn't fills long hours of emptiness and loneliness.
I need something more.
More drugs!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Old letters and clothes

I have cleaning the mess in my bedroom.
I've gone through old clothes. I put some of them aside, so they can be put in the clothing containers. The good ones, the ones that still suit me have been kept. Sweat-shirts, t-shirts, pants, jackets. My closet got way "thiner". It was necessary for a looong time! And it's finally done.
Same has happened with old letters. I don't write a single letter for more than three years now. I have no money for the postage. Postage is more and more expensive (and it might get even more expensive, lowering the already low service of CTT [Portuguese mail services], if they go private as planned). I keep some letters, like the ones from my Finnish friend, Soila, Elizabeth, the Greek amazing goddess or Erin, my American girlfriend! There are other letters that are keptm but this is just to mention some obvious. There are people that I'm planning on writing them again. But it might be useless and pointless three years after. I've been going throu all the letters that I,ve had here and I,ve sent them to the recycling container. More and more have been gone through the same process after that.
Maybe by doing this, it'll be helpful for what I need to do the most in my life. One of the stuffs, is the job hunting. I just went to check the website of a chain of super and hyper markets to submit my name and contact, but I need to send the resume. I don't have any in here, in this tablet. I can't link my USB pen drive, to add my resume. And it is annoying me.
I have been going through some stuffs and I think that there's lots more I need to go through yet. And I am not wanting to stop for anyone. And I won't be stopping for anything. I won't be stopping for anyone.
I've been going through old clothes. I've been going through old letters. And I am going through my old life: things have to be changed and I am claiming my place in it!

Friday, November 08, 2013

Digital Confessions

Digital Confessions is my newest blog with my good friend, Erin. At this time, I am still awaiting for her to accept the authoring request.
I am not writing any longer, as I just wanted to share this new with all of my readers. :)

Sunday, November 03, 2013

I was missing this

I was missing to come to this store and sit in front of the computer. Things always feel / look beter when there's a computer, withn a proper screen and a proper keyboard to type. Using a tablet can be so much fun, but never when it comes to type in my blog. I was also missing the dudes around here. It doesn't feels comfortable when it comes to have some of these dudes staring at your computer, but it still feels good and fun when you realise about one dude or another doing some stuffs... erm, like wanking under the desk! It's funny and, forgive me for being so honest, it's pleasant to see it and to notice it.

I have been listening to Metal. For a few weeks thatb this has been happening. I believe that this is my natural "state" and that this is my "normal shape". I am wearing black too. Nothing to do with being a metal fan, but it's all about my "normal shape". I have decided to wear colours in my clothes, to be a bit more "normal" and it has been working. But there's one day of the week, at least, that I feel the need to wear black clothes: like in the good fucking times!

Some of the Metal I listen to, might be considered "chicks Heavy Metal", like Doro Pesch. I like it, quite a lot, and these are some classics. If people don't like it, too bad: I love fucking Metal music. I love the music I listen to and I dare to say that I have quite an exquisite music taste (may it be in Metal or in any other kinds of music).

I was missing all this.

Three Songs That Would Suit My Novel's Soundtrack

This entry is just another one to share songs. Sharing three songs that, when listened, they make sense and they mean the whole world to me. I am sharing three songs, that make sense for one of my novels, I am sharing three songs that mean the whole world to me and i am sharing three songs that can be the "impulse " I am needing to start typing that story, after having it stopped for a few years (although those years mean nothing, when it's compared to the ones i have stopped for about 7 or 8 years, without even trying to make them shorter stories).

Just listen and feel. Enjoy it. Pay atention to the songs and to the musics. It's all important here.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Social networks, hook up and the whole thing

My aunt has requested Internet for her house. She also bought a tablet. I think she feels quite lonely and this is a way of her to grant that I come here. She doesn't needs to do that to have my company. I love my aunt and even when she had television only, I would come here for lunch and to spend a few hours with her. But that is not the point, althou it still "hits" loneliness.
In times, I used to have an account on a website for gay men. I have deleted all the old and unused accounts. Now I back there. I have gotten 13 messages since the last time that I have been there. For some people, that might not be much. For me, that is too much. Older men looking for whatever it is. I opened the profiles, shutted them off and deleted the messages.
Due to a friend of mine (actually, an ex-penpal of mine), I have created an account on a website of the kind. It is the old website where I used to be before Facebook (me and a whole group of people, friends, acquaintances and anonymous people). It has two games, with the simple purpose to meet new people. The rainy afternoon is being boring, so I have decided to spend a bit of time exploring the suggestion of one of the games called "Meet Me". Most men I saw hasn't pleased me a little bit. Others, were quite pleasant to the eyes. "Match" and "No" buttons. Without any exception, I hitted the "No" button in all of them. I just wanted to see who's around. I don't really want to meet anyone. Both websitrs are pretty useless for me: like I have previously said, I am not wanting to meet new people, I just want to delight my eyes. People have no idea of what's going on this side. Most of them, are simply looking for fun, datings, friends. Regular / normal stuffs, without envolving the risk of comlicated stuffs. And I am all about complicating it all.

I do prefer to stay aside, watching other people living their loves, living their joys of love, while I am immersed in lust. For me, it doesn't works out for more than a fuck or two. If it does, it brings me the serious risk of obsession (I don't fall in love, I get obsessed), of madness, of jealousy and the wicked list goes on. I am not handsome. I do not consider myself like that. I am not the kinda guy that can keep someone's attention hooked up. I don't consider myself interesting, either. I don't play fool silly games of charming, trying to grab attention. I am too foccused on lust: I don't want cuddlings, hours spent in the bed cuddling, kissing or touching. I don't want someone to look at and feel something special for that someone. The only thing I want out off a man is the reaction he provokes inside my pants and in my whole body.

About feelings... let go of them. They serve no purpose, but poetry and art.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I just want a bit of quiet and peace

Staying up until late. It is my daily routine. I always find smethng interesting to do. In times, I used to be on a social network for men. I have deleted my account on it, but now I have gotten a new account on another social utility. It is the social utility used before Facebook and I am there out of curiosity. It,s weird, but I can still recognize old "lines" from the website. It is weird though.
I am wanting to type this and then... well, I might just lay down and sleep. I have had sme ideas on what to do, but I know that I mgiht fond an excuse to stay awake another night long. I feel sleepy and tired, but still I am in the mood for more discoveries. I am wanting to la down, but at the same time, I am wanting to keep here, seing other people and other stuffs.
Days ago, I have opened Facebook and I have decided to go through my friends and put them in the various lists. My family is in restricted and family lists. I want to avoid over-sharing with them. They haven't been there through the shit and the bad times, so I don't want them to be the reason for more bad times. I don't want discussions and fights, epiphanies and revelations to begin. It will lead to no good stuffs and thst's exactly what  want to avoid.
After putting the right people in the right lists, I have decide to go through the people that I possibly know. I have seen old faces. I have seen other people that I don't have a clue about knowing them or not. I have opened different profiles, see different pictures belonging to those people. I have allowed myself to imagine. Some of them, made me gone further in my imagination. Others, I simply passed through them. This is what loneliness makes. And still we choose the hardest and the heaviest option.
Now... now I am just closing this post. There is not much more that I can say. I just want a bit of quiet and peace. And that's all!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Random thoughts, Full Moon, anger

Let me type about something random. I could type about my night. On how I did got so annoyed, so mad, that I am still a bit pissed off. Too damned bothered, to be able to relax. I am listening to music, to try to calm down. It is not working, although my mind seems to start flowing more softly. It is entering in the "zone" of soft sadness, after a grand attack of bad mood. Me at my best!
It is all cool. It'll be chilling soon. I hope.
Random thoughts. What can I type about? The Full Moon that I haven't looked at, due to the Earthly problems? About vampires, werewolves, witches dancing in a forest? About how life and the night are calling for me, and here I am, inside my dungeon, on the 5th floor of a building of apartments. Here I am, trapped by my boring, soul killing daily / nightly routine, without a single move to improve / change it. 
I could type about something more. Maybe about the forever plans for tomorrows, that turn into another tomorrows. It wouldn't work out, it would be pointless, useless, time and energy waste. It would be the same old weep-tale, counted over and over. No one cares about it anymore.
Well... there's this friend of mine. Met through a mutual "friend". And it seems that "friend" is the best possible suitable name for that girl. I know this guy for a very short time, but in this very short time that we know each other, he has been showing me his friendship. He hasn't simply rubbed my back and said something of the knd: "oh, poor thing!". He simply said all the things that I really needed to listen. That I must get up and move. The simple, but truthfull words. One very good proof of friendship.

My damned mood. It seems to be affect my mind. It is hard to get foccused. Due to my position on the chair, my right shoulder started hurting. Maybe it is due to the feeling of anger. Maybe it's just due to days and days sitting in this position, typing on the tablet. I don't know and I can't say it.

Late in the night. It's always late in the night, lately. The night seems to be the best time of the day to do anything: to type, to create, to destroy, to love and have sex, to eat chocolate or anything just good, to walk the streets, to soeak to a good friend. 
It's full moon. It affects humans. It affects animals. It affects lots of magical creatures and events. The Full Moon is the kind of thing that affects the whole life. I am now imagining being at the beach, in the Full Moon night, smoking and living something. Something different and greater.

It is enough for now. Just give a few minutes. You can possibly count with another entry. Maybe still about random thoughts. Maybe with something to say. 
And perhaps, I shut this down after seing a few stuffs online.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Arab music

Late in the night. I have just arrived, after spending a few hours in the gas station with a few friends. While I have been there, someone has spoken about the arab language. It is the kind of language that the person considered cool and very beautiful, but some kind of language that doesn't allows him to understand it.
One of the many kinds of music that I truly enjoy is the arab style. Of course that like all the styles, I am not into all the musics. I don't know much of arab music, but there are a few musics that really pleases me. There are many musics that drive me so crazy, that I start moving my hips and I start making my belly moving, under the clothes.
As I have downloaded loads of music, the same has happened with this kind of it. There are quite a few to be deletes for a dew countable reasons: the music is too short, what means the song is not complete; the music doesn't pleases me as it should and it could be continued. But I still want to go through the downloaded musics, to delete the ones I don't want to keep. It's 6 am and soon, I will have to lay down and try to get a bit of sleep.
It is late in the night, as it is noticeable by the hour I just said that it is. It has been a long and nice night. And it has been a nice dreamy night.
If I were rich... very, very rich, much of my money would be to help animals and I would throw myself on a journey throu the Arab countries. I'd get my caravan, with all my servants and I'd carry my dreams through the dreams. I'd get lost in the mazes that are some of the Arab cities. Perhaps, this would also be the journey where I would start my manly harem.
If I were very, very rich...
I think I need to get married / attached to a millionaire. Maybe a billionaire. And let myself being driven by destiny's hand. Because honestly, a life full of thugish guys seems exciting from times to times, but it leads to no good stuffs either.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Music, lyrics, escapes...

I have a little idea that I have written that I would like to share a few songs, with their lyrics right below it. I've done that with Stone Sour's amazing "Through Glass" and Doro Pesch's awesome "Heaven I See". Both great songs, from great artists. Both lyrics have touched me in different and special ways.
The first one, has a lot saying by itself.
The second song... well, it speaks about love. Loving the person for what he / she is. Forgiving the bad things. Holding in the arms and supporting through the bad times. Inner hell burns. It feels like heaven.
Maybe madness heals madness.
Similarity annoys me. In fact, I feel quite disturbed by people who are very alike me.
This has been just an idea. I can't remember if I have really typed about such idea or if it just stayed inside my mind. But the thing has started working. And I think that it'll happen more times, when I am feeling like it.
One way to allow my inner demon to rule his hell, is to unleashing my desires. And lately, my desires are filled with typing, eventhough if it is just here. To vent. To allow hell to burn. I wish I could still do this out of painting. Poetry, diary pages between poems and my blogs have to fit it nowadays. Or I'll go nuts. I can't lose these things too, or I'll go mad once and for all. When / if complete disturbia shit hits the fan... run for your lives! Bad things are going to happen. Very bad things are going to happen to whoever crosses my path whenever I don't have a escape from this reality.

there's still no such great love for me

You hold me when I'm sad
You love me when I'm bad
It feels like I'm falling
Heaven I see and it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see
I thought I would die before I met you
You brought back to life all that is true
You hold me when I'm sad
You forgive me when I'm bad...
I've walked through the fire
Been baked through the coals
You lifted me higher
Both body and soul, Yeah
Heaven I see
And it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see. Yeah
Heaven I see
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see and it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Is finally set free
Heaven I see, Yeah

Words are needless. It says it all

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget... you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect to bitter folks
And while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the staaars
The staaaaaaars
That shine for you
And it's the staaaaars
The staaaaaars
That lie to you... yeah-ah
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the staaaars
The staaaaars
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the staaaaars
The staaaaaaars
That lie to you... yeah-ah
And it's the staaaaars
The staaaaaars
That shine for you... yeah-ah
And it's the staaaars
The staaaaarsss
That lie to you... yeah-ah yeah
Ohhh when the starrs
Ohhh when the starrrrs that liieee

rain... heavy rain...

Like I have typed in the previous entry, it has been raining. What seemed to be a regular Autumnal rain, turned out to be a very heavy rain. It rained as if the sky was falling. It rained until the road become, literally, a mini river. Plastic bags by the trash containers side, were dragged by the running water. Lightening has been hitting. Weak thunders.

Heavy rain.
Heavy rain falling.
Waterfalls created in the buildings outter walls.
Rivers on the road.
I am trying to imagine the strenght of the waters in the small river the crosses the city.
People with umbrellas. Useless umbrellas, due to the amount of water and the strenght of the wind.
People inside the cafe talking. Watching the rain.
Life passing by and the entire universe of my being foccused on the rain.

Late night.
If it were summertime, it would be breaking dawn in about half an hour. Right now, it's still dark night. The blue moonlight lightens the darkest corners. Through the window of my living / dinning room, I can see the pale blue moonlight in the old curtains. It crosses them and I see the dark floor lightened.
Playing computer games. Racing cars, with a proper steering wheel and pedals. I don't drive at all and after a while, I was driving well, for a layman. It made me think (possibly, most of you will consider it stupid) how much pleasure I could take from having my driver's license and my own car, instead of keep playing games. For real, it would feel so much better.

Fame and fortune.
Rain... heavy rain...
It doesn't really matters.
It has rained. It seems that things hasn't gotte any cleaner, not even spiritually.
Disturbed souls are still disturbed souls.
Mean people are still mean people.
Gossipers are still gossipers.
And it has rained.
And it will be raining in the next few days.

Friday, October 18, 2013

It's raining

Awesome, gloomy nights. Not too cold. They're not hot either. The fog comes down and the idea of a thunderstorm excites me. Nothing happens.

Today, it has been raining. I have been with a very good and of friend of mine. We've had time to talk. I got all the news I had to get. We've had the time to walk under the rain, tohide some balconies from the buildings. While walking down the street, the rain was falling on me. I have had the chance to think. To think seriously. Words from friends. Spoken words that are making me lift my head and making think: "how can I do this?", instead of just thinking: "I can't do this". There's still some struggling about thr fact of getting up and move for it. But it's missing a very short step.

I am sick and tired of the point my life's at. I am needing more than this lifestyle can offer me. And it is not good... unless I direct my energy to do the things. And that's what has to happen, because I don,t want to keep watching life passing in front of my eyes. I don't want to be this stupid creature forever. I want t do what is right, once and for all.

It's raining.
And so rain my thoughts!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

About nightwalks, coffee and my life

Years ago, I read one post at E.'s blog. She typed about nightwalks. At that time, I was a bit too young to understand such thing. Nowadays, night walks are the regular stuff for me. With people or by myself. In way many times, with cold, rain, in hot nights... I went out of m flat, picked the elevator to leave my 5th floor and go out. I walk with no destination. I walk to the gas station to drink one coffee. One more coffee.
The nearly full moon in the sky has been my company tonight. People have left the cafe earlier than usually. Most of those who were there, wasn't the kind of company that I wanted. I came home and left again. To the gas station. I walked up the avenue. Stopped by the gas station. This fat gay man, friend of a friend, asked me about our mutual friend. He also asked me if I found the boy that I've greeted handsome. "Yes, he is" I replied "but I like bigger men". 
I have left. Slowly, with my earphones playing the music, I walked down the other avenue, where's the police station at. My steps, that usually are quick ones, were quite slow. I walked while thinking and listening to the music. A man in a car, leaving his parking place. My thoughts flying, fantasizing with a disco, as the music played.
The park way close to my house. Election times allow us to have new lamps in the street lamp posts, so the park wasn't so dark as usually, but tonight I craved for a bit of darkness on that park. Only the moonlight to guide my steps.
Cars passing by. People passing by. I am passing by too. I am always passing by. I'm never there to stay. I am a shadow. The shadow everyone see passing by, but that no one ever sees stopping by anywhere. I stop here and there. I get my skull bored off and then I jump off to another place.
Same goes with most people nowadays.
I plan. I keep planning.and plans are just plans.
I'm at home earlier tonight. It wasn't even midnight when I have arrived. I left and I returned when it were 1 am. Early for me. But I'll try to lay down early too. Instead of laying down at 5 or 6 am, I might get to the bed in one hour or so. I need to change the place of my bedroom's furniture as I wanted to do this afternoon. I need tp get logged to the Internet earlier, to get my eye on some work announcements. There's a shoe store in the middle of the avenue asking for employees. I should've gone there before, but the idea of working there hasn't really pleased me. But since there's nothing else in sight yet, I need to grab what I can, even if it's selling shoes, until I manage to get some cash for my stuffs, to improvemy life, what includes keeping on a job hunting, so I can get something that'll allow me to study at night.

There is so much. So much that you can get on a nightwalk. So much that you can take out of a coffee out of hours. Planning is good, but when you're going for it, fighting for what you want / have to / need to, it is way better. I have admitted that I haven't fought enough. I have been admitting that I am being the one and only brake in my own life. It is the time that I get out of the "confessional" and go for the fight of life and dreams and hopes.

The nearly full moon shines outside and the music keeps playing in the earphones. Continuosly, I fantasize of a disco in the middle of Lisbon (or by the riverside. "Hawai" and it's waiter. Yumm!)! I fantasize continuosly of a man. Maybe it is you. Maybe it is my friend (or one of them). Maybe it is my friend's married workmate. Maybe it is none of those.
Just the full moon.
Just the music.
Just the disco.
The car in the night.
Sweatty bodies against each other.
Lots of sex.

And my fantasies still spin around.

Time to go.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

There's a little flame within

Despite all my words and actions.
Despite all the hate and all the cold that seems to freeze my heart, there's a little flame within it. The little flame fights and resists to all the bad experiences, failures, disapointments. It keeps burning, surrounded by the ice. But still, it burns. There's not enough cold to kill it.
My heart has a little flame.
Behind all the bad things, there's always a little hope burning.
Let me spread my wings and fly away freely.
It doesn't really matters what keeps my trapped.
All the lies,
All the denials,
All the disapointments,
They don't really matter.
Every wound has it own story.
Every person lives a very single and personal history.
Every single memory will be unique. No one has the same memory / view of the things.
Every single singer can sing about love. But each and everyoneof them will have his / her own view and feeling of it.

Self-love, self-hate.
They're both burning in a single chest.
And we still fear. We still hate. We still argue. We still fight.
Allow me to live and speak. Allow myself to let go of this. Allowing myself to move on has been very difficult. Allowing myself to feel any good pleasure has been a great fight. I need to let go of these bad memories, of this stupid lifestyle and thought-style.
There'll always be someone. Something. To do or to stop us from doing it.
It is always up to us to go and do or not to go, not trying at all.

There are self-love and self-hate , fighting in a single soul.
There's so much.
But still, the little flame still lasts, despite all the lies, disapointment, falls, denials...
It burns...
Tiny little flame...

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


I am looking for a meaning for so many things.
Sometimes, in the street, it seems that I smoke a bit less than at home. At home, I can smoke freely. Outside, there'll always be someone asking for a cigarette, so I keeo themmfor longer time. I don't smoke and tell prople that I don't have cigarettes. They'll last. At ome, they'll simply burn.
I am aware that I don't have another option, but to get up and go for it. I meed to go and do it. I need to fight for what I need to. Instead, I am just sitting down, typing endlessly. Eternal complaints and moans and groans about how life shits and sucks. I won't get anywhere while I keep accepting things this way. But I still feel unable to give an efficient reply to that situation. It sucks and fucks continuosly with my mind. I sucks and it is just my business to go and do it.
Stop complaining, asshole!
You typed similar words in the other blog .

You must get up and GO FOR IT AND JUST DO IT!

I try to give a meaning to this love thing. To this need that people speak about. Being happy by someone's side. It just disturbs my soul. The simple idea of it... it sounds sweet in dreams, but on a real possibility, it jus creeps me out. I don't mind being all promiscuous, being such the kind of guy who stays on one-night-stands forever. It sounds way better and more logical for me that each beast goes back to his place, after the sex. No feelings involved, what means no fake hopes, no lies, no cheatings. Just pleasure. So much pleasure.

I am in the kind of mood that I could embrace a night walk in the beach. That Madredeus' song, "Ao Longe O Mar" is playing in my mobile. It would play in the beach, either. Although with company, I would need a few minutes alone with my music, my thoughts and the sea. There would be no time for lies. The sea is my confessional. All my dreams and all my hoped are living in it. It kows all my secrets and all my fears. My relationship with the sea, is the closest that I have with a romantic relationship and with a religion. My dreams, my hope, my faith are with the sea, in the sea.

Night... long night.
What words are burning inside my soul?
Which is this land, whose lighthouse guides me?

Tell me. Let me know what you're wanting from me, at every request to go out. Let me know what you wish, when you smile like that. My friend, what do you really want from me?

I need to sleep.
5 am.
Good hour.
One last cigarette (the sixth, way more than outside) and off I go to the land of dreams.

I need to stop thinking.
I need to start dreaming.
I need to do it!

I just made a cigarette and I am going to smoke it at the window, watching the empty street from my 5th floor.

Sweet dreams.


This is not a poetry. Nor an attempt of it.
This might change, as I continuosly keep changing the kind of music that I'm listening to. Right now, Blackmore's Night sing their "I still remember". I was in the desert and now I am back in time. Castles. Knights. Lust.
Burning candle in the church. The cathedral looks way newer, but it looks a bit darker inside. Other times.
Love. Love brings poetry and hope carrying on.
Lust keeps us alive. Danger outside is a reason more than valid to have something to make us feel like that.
Centuries have passed and it hasn't changed much. In other meanings, it has changed quite a lot.

I am trying. In one hand, I really am. In the other, it seems that I am trying, but not the right and meaningful things. I know about that. I know exactly what's wrong with me. And it is not anything that I just could distress about. It is about my own options.

Time to let go of this for now.