Thursday, December 18, 2008

Dead Crazy!

Sometimes, I feel like dead crazy. I feel I will never own someone for my own, I feel I will die alone and that kinda things scares me. But I feel like lost, as I can not imagine my life nex to anyone, I can not imagine my life being shared with any other person. I ca not accept I really need anyone to share good things, to have someone to share my opinion and my visions with. I can not accept I will end up alone, so what's the point? What's the matter? Why do I feel so confused in this kinda stupid things? Why do I feel so confused about things?

Back to somewhere or to nowhere, I don't really know, what's the matter of feeling, if I can not do it right? Always sad and depressed and melancholic and happy and so many shits... Never in the same mood and it's not always good...

Maybe I can not realise and I am jst giving up... Giving up of my art. Giving up of my blogs (at least, the one in Portuguese). Giving up of everything.

Let's see what will come soon...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Going Crazy

Sometimes, I feel like trapped. I feel like I was sinking in a sea of madness. I feel like crazy right now, by the way.

I live in an apartment and I own one cat and, more recently, a little dog. Till the moment, all could be fine, if it wasn't the cat scratching the dog, the dog barking, pissing and shitting all over and my mother making some comments making me feel like guilty for all the shits involved in her life. I clean shit and piss, I try to raise the dog, to teach him, but he barks and bites me, like I was a huge bone. Sometimes, I feel like he was anger against me.

I feel like in a spiral of madness... Falling, falling... And it've been only the first two days of the dog in the house. I feel too tired to do anything else. I just can't wait to lay down and to sleep, to rest, for the next three hours, before going to my job to face 9 more hours of work. I feel like I was going to explode and to implode at the same time. I need freedom... I need music, like the one of Karunesh titled "For The Joy Of It All". I wish I was in a beach, with a fire, with lots of people playing some instruments, like djambés and other kinds of, for me to sing and dance around the fire. I really need freedom... I wish I was with a hot man in a jeep, being driven to the night, to a night like this, for my own pleasure and delight, for kissing, for sex, or just for a simple hug next to a fireplace somewhere. Even if it was only a simple hug, I would be so fine now. Only us, the night, the sea and the silence!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Needing... But really needing!

Sometimes, I feel like I was living a dream. And things could've been a dream if I have gotten a guy for my own, a guy I could make of him my slave! I need the idea of having a man surrended to me, kneeled at my feet, obeying my orders. But in the other hand, that man should be "BIG" enough, strong, someoe who hug me when I am inside one of my "existential" crisis. Oh, damn, I need t feel again, to unfreeze my inner!
I need to get that someone special, but I feel it's getting harder and harder, a I am not the kinda guy for anyone, becaue I have soe "feminine traces" when I move... Goth, I hate men, sometimes! But I love them and their dicks so much!

Saturday, December 13, 2008


- Of being alone!
- Of feeling I need someone by my side!
- Of doing all wrong!
- Of sharing the same house with my mother!
- Of being like a slave in the job!
- Of having no self-life!
- Of my lack of imagination!
- Of so many shits...
I am just tired!

Friday, December 12, 2008


Last night, it was supposed for me to go out, to have some fun in any disco or bar around, though I hate those kinda places. But I was wishing that, I was wishing to do something different. The only person I have said I was wishing to go out, said she couldn't, right up away, when it was missing a few hours for we to go out. Once again, I stood alone! Anyway, I pick the money up and gone to Lisbon, for dinner, as I wanted.
In Lisbon, I went to dinner and I found myself inside Armazéns do Chiado, having such a wonderful dinner of junk food, watching the MTV "Next" show and, sometimes, looking around, watching people. I wasn't the only lonely person inside that mall, but I was feeling so small. Everyone around was there to go out, to have fun and I was there just to breathe te air of the city, the air of the downtown... I should be with my friend, but she really couldn't. I should be happy, but my feelings wasn't able to allow me. I was feeling suffocated!
After dinning, I went out, to smoke a cigarette, to walk, to feel the cold breeze of the night in my hair, in my skin, in my flesh... Out there, going right up the street, people in groups, ready to their night out, some homeless and street artists were talking, one statue man was making some theater to the passing people, making laugh the homeless artists which was with him. That's something I love and hate about Lisbon; in one hand, I love to see the art from those amateurs artists, but I hate the fact that many of them sleep in the streets, with cold, rain, snow, exposed as pieces of flesh for the delight of the choice. I just kept walking, till I discover I was pretty far from where I came from. I saw the eléctrico (eletric car) with a few people inside... I saw groups passing by... I saw a gay couple kissing... I felt so lonely! Decided to go back, up the street, seing the same places, the same buildings, the same streets...
I caught the train back to Cacém and met my friend Jo, we went to drink coffee and I smoked weed, just to forget and laugh... I ended the night highed, sleepingin the couch and feeling lonely... I am with a lack of imagination, I am lost inside, with no words to describe many things... I am wordless to so many things, that in the end, I'll be ending with no voice at all..

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Nothing to say... Unless, I'm highed I wanna write something down, but my brains are just too fried to work something out to post down... Tomorrow, I might read this messageand discover that nothing really means anything out here or anywhere else, so if I get no visitators on my blog, it's not important... The important, is that I am just being myself, I am just letting my "nirvana state" flows around and feeling great with that!


*Zen* I'm feeling really zen right now, inside my "nirvana brained path", that makes me feel so light, I feel I'm in the clouds!


Sunday, December 07, 2008

Thinking... Wondering again...

I am back to wondering about Life! Back on wondering if it really worths the effort of writing some stuffs down here, when nobody will ever read them!
It's something which hits my head and make me feel dizzy for a while and I decide to write! I have a few letters to reply but I simply feel lazy about doing that... I don't write on my diary for ages, but I am too lazy to pick the pen and the notebook I use as a diary, and to write anything there... And it's not only the sloth on doing that, it's also a HUGE lack of time. I've been working a little bit too much, I've been working about 9/10hours a day or, sometimes, 12h+.
Back to one night in a disco, when I stood allnight backboarded to the wall, looking the people dancing, observing their moves, their dance, their joy, their "alcohol modification", their drugs taking and I felt like frozen... I can't move my body like they do, I never had the hability to dance! But hings already began to change! It's just a matter of time till all is going the way I always wished to!

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Freestyling and Freedom (Soul's freedom and beliefs)

In the past few days, I've been realising a few stuffs. In my job, when that damned caffé is almost empty and when I don't have anyone calling me, I can sit somewhere and think for a while! I think on how my life changed, I think on how things are right now, I think on what my life became! I felt from the beggining I was becoming a society lamb, doing all pretty and nice, but I was wrong. I could upset a few thugs in a caffé a few nights ago, just because I was talkin about pubic hairs! That was funny!

Today, a couple hours ago, I met my friends C. and S. in the railway station, they just arrived from a mall in Lisbon and Claudia started fighting her boyfriend by phone and me and Samuel had been listening a couple songs in my mp3 and talking. I commented with hi that last night, I was highed and that a friend of mine said I was a mix of gothic with hippie and I realise it might be true, and Samuel said I have my own style, like I had a registered trademark sybol in my arm! It was nice!

I always feel free in my day off!

I got highed when I was hanging around Lisbon during the afternoon and when I was in the train, on my way home, I woke up in Barcarena and the train was doing such a weird noise. Suddendly it stop and as I was highed, I felt like the train engine was turned off and the train was just letting go, in freedom, with the wind... I felt like the train lights were off and there was nobody in the train, but me... The whole train got involved by a soft blueish lighted tunnel. I was the feeling of freedom for me and I all I wished in that moment was that the whole world could fell so happy and s free like me in that moment!

Peace... Freedom... Happiness... Self-understanding... (maybe) Love... Believing in myself... That's all I mourn for!

Listening to ERA's "Mother" song, I feel so peaceful and comfortable... I feel so highed and so heavy... I feel light at the same time... I feel like I could fly... I feel like I was being dragging down... I feel so many ways, I almost can't describe it!

I need to try to understand myself, I need to try to be happy, I need to try to do more than I really do! I am trying, I really am, but how can I be happy, if sadness is my nature?