Saturday, December 29, 2007

Laid In My Coffin

I wonder, for long hours, what am I doing here!!! I listen to the music within my head and it's calling me, it tells me to lay down in my coffin... Finally, peace... Or maybe not. It's just a desire, a suicidal desire within my mind, within my inner world!!! So, I'm here, typing those words, while I am listening to Tarja Turunen's new Single... Things happens for a reason and so did her departure of Nightwish. It served to prove herself, to Nightwish's crew and the fans themselves that she could do great alone!!! I'm here... She's there... Nightwish moved on and are still there... Everything and everyone moves on!!! And in the end of the night, all I want is to be laid in my coffin...

Friday, December 28, 2007

Here I am!!!!

No, it's not the music from Bryan Adams! I am a bit lost inside the new CD of Tarja Turunen... It's amazing and it's a kick in the butt of all those who said that she would "die" out of Nightwish. She has a reason to keep all the old fans (like me) and to earn new fans. I am here in the wrong mood, but I'm surviving!!!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Away For A Few Days!!!!

Tomorrow I'll be gone from Cacém, for a few days... I'll be visiting my grand dad at his house, in Northern Portugal, about 400 km´s from here. I love my grand dad, though I don't enjoy talking to him by phone, cause I miss him, just by listening to his voice and not being able to see or touch him. I love the old tiny village where he lives... I have grown up in cities, but villages are great for me, especially if they're almost desert, like my grand dad's. I'll be gone for a few days, but I'll be back in 4 or 5 days...
To all those people who likes and still believe in X-mas, I wanna wish you a merry Christmas(X-mas). I don't know if I'll be able to surf the web before new year's season, so I wanna wish you a Happy New Year too!!!
Away for a few days... Away from Cacém... God, it'll be Paradise!!!

Monday, December 17, 2007


I am lost... A bit wordless and then, I can't define what am I feeling, though I'm checking some of my feelings out... Lost and lost, and only then I can find myself... I don't know...

Thursday, December 13, 2007


I still wonder about  some things... Stupidity annoys me a lot!!
It's incredible how people always forgive and await for that someone who has decided to run away from his/her responsabilities, while I'm hating that same guy, for the time he made me waste!!!

People also enjoy making of me an idiot, but I am not standing that anymore! You borrowed something for me? Well, I want it back, with no chances of conversations...

I don't have nothing more to say today!! I'm too irritated for monologues!!!

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Do you belong...?!

I get amazed with people's stupidity... Sometimes, I might be meanic or unfair, when I judge some people, but I feel that I have something to judge... I look around, I look at people and I see emptiness; maybe I'm empty too, but I don't see that in me (we're always too blind when it comes to look to ourselves)! I might be empty to the others, but my art, my literature and music fullfils me with great joy, though on the outside I feel, sometimes, unable to express it... I think I might care a little bit too much about the others' judge; it just frightens me, because I don't want to be held down by their opinions again.

Yesterday, I went out to dinner at a restaurant... My friend's, Marta, birthday dinner, but I haven't enjoyed it properly... I wasn't feeling properly good, I have been depressed since I woke up, but the night ended well for me, because of the friendship and of the feelings I got back, when I had my friends together... I haven't felt that for a long time! We took some pictures and I could smile a while, when I was taking pictures with some of my friends... Really, things seemed better, but when some of the people walked away, their presence (or the lack of it) was felt... I went home and ended my night on the street 'till 5 a.m. waiting for my mother to come from work, taking care for the niece of her boss... It was so cold, but singing helps... People in the street pushing cars, the police passing by... People coming home... The moon wasn't shining, but the night was great, despite the cold...I was talking to the atmosphere or to myself (one never knows)... I sung and an hour passed by... I passed by the night and I'm here, now... Now... Who knows where I'll be in 5 minutes...?

After looking at some pictures on hi5, I see some people which call themselves of "gothics", or even the others and it gives me the impression they don't know nothing about the gothic. They need to feel they belong to somewhere or to something, like I do, as I dress up the gothic lifestyle, I live it... But the need of feeling that they belong somewhere is just human!!!

I am thinking about having one blog where the domain language will be my mother language, the Portuguese. I know I can always write in Portuguese here, but you'll have to look around for a while and you might not find it before your head blows of impatience!! If I do it, you'll have news!!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

After something... And After All...

I'm here writing this entry, after posting a comment at Fernando Ribeiro's blog. He posted one text about the most truthful things that happen in the Portuguese music market and I started thinking and decided to post a comment... I surrended to his words and my brain started working in all of that...
I posted a very short entry in the diary of my hi5 account and I am still numb, with no words... Things that are so real, that they could even scare the most common of the mortals... People usually to say "chase your dreams", but when you do it, they bite your head off.
About the gothics and the metal fans which wears their "metal" clothes, people also use to say that it's just a phase, but like I wrote on that comment, I'm here, after a huge storm of depression, self-mutilation, and a whole bunch of other things... I don't want to write them again!!! I'm here, I paint, I write, I sing and I do a lot of other things which makes me happy and I don't want to change it for anything, neither for anyone... I won't do that at all!!!
Anyway, besides of that, I'm a bisexual male and that's another thing I can't change to make this one, or that one happy, or even safer!! I don't chase anything; I long for my happiness and wellbeing only, if that's even possible at all!!! When y'all die, I still will be here, through my art, through my fictions, through my poems, through my musics, through my ethereal existance... No matter how, but I will be here!!!

After all... well, that's another story!! I am a truth that nobody can deny!! I am not a painter, I am not a writer nor a poet, I am not the guy which likes to hang around all night long, but which has to be at home at 2 a.m., I am not the one which, sometimes, smokes weed and laughs loud, I am not the guy which loves his friends, but that still can see throughout their surface, I am not the one which loves alcohol... I am all of them and none in specific!!!
No more pain, no more emptiness... Dying or living, making love, kissing a girl or a guy, having a BDSM session, going for car ride with a friend, listening to music, painting, writing, singing, shaking my bones and say "I'm dancing", screaming and saying "I'm singing", going for a train trip, walking the beach and talk and play with the sea, going to a psychiatrist, cutting myself, drinking, smoking (cigarettes or weed), talking, keeping my mouth shut, crying, laughing, running, walking... Nothing of those things are important, excep if I feel happy by doing them!!!

Thanks, Fernando Ribeiro, for your words!! Thanks, Elizabeth for existing and being my penfriend!! Thanks, Andreia, for the love you gave me!! Thanks, Neuza, for loving me, when I haven't been able to love you back!! Thanks to every single person in my life (even to my enemies), for helping me to grow as a person and for doing of me what I am today!! Every single person, every single event in my life, helped me to become who I am today!! To those who love me, thanks for being there for me, to those who hate me or just ignore me, thanks for helping to create me!!!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Weeping with dry eyes

Incredible stuff... Me, a gothic, a metal fan, listening only to the emotional traditional music of Potugal (beloved land), Fado. Especially, to my dear and beloved Amália Rodrigues. My soul needs to cry, but my eyes are so dry!! Listening to Amália singing the Fado "Prece", I imagine myself inside that song.
Departing and never come back... Go and die in Portugal... Why not now?! Why not at night? Why not in any morning, afternoon, night, beach, street, house, concert, etc.? I wonder how it feels to be dead and I would like to try it... I write and my inner weep calls me... Can you listen it?! Can you even see me?! I don't think so; I'm everything that you hate, I'm all that you run away of, I'm everything that you wished gone, I'm all that'll become dust... I'm a secret and a famous legend... I am me and I'll always me, till death tear us apart!!!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Internet: helpful or a waste of time?

I'm searching the web and chating my friends in MSN, I find, and others. It's a way to meet new e-friends, but someone we might never really meet, so I wonder; are we doing something good by accounting this websites, or are we just wasting our precious time and life here, in front of computers?! Anyway, I have one account on hi5 and I visit it more often than my blog. Quite stupid, I guess!!!

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Envy - Is That What You Fucking Want?

I don't understand those people which buy something and immediatelly want to show off what they have bought. They want to do an exhibition of what they have, like they was wanting to show the others they're better than they really are. Wake up; you aren't worth for what you have, but for what you are and for what you do as a person.
Envy - is that what you want that I feel?! Of course I feel Envy... I'm human, anyway, but my envy is the fact that you have a job, while I'm still looking for it; but what you have, doesn't makes you any better than me. I am wide stronger and open-minded than you are, I reach some levels of consciousness, that you have never been able too. Anyway, I'm not better than you and I don't wish to make you feel Envy for my works, my paintings, my writings, my poems, etc.. I want to feel proud of my own art, of my own life, so I don't envy the others' life or possessions...

The moon is shinning out there, and I'm playing Playstation with some friends... I wanna go outside, dancing in the moon light, smell flowers, talk to trees or to my own, listen the heartbeat of the Earth... Feeling the souls of the departed ones following me, protecting me... How many times I wandered around, trying to find something to please me, out of my art, and I ended my night drunk or highed?! I feel things in a different way than I feel when I'm sobber, but I do prefer walk the streets sobber... Maybe one day, my soul walks this empty streets...

Probably, thousands of people are making love, others fighting each others... Some of them must be sleeping, or preparing for the next day's murder(maybe mine!)... Others are going in the highway, in their cars, listening to this, or that romantic music... A thousand of chances, and I'm here, writing and playing Playstation, when it's my turn... I don't envy the others lives; I never try to imagine how could my life be if my family was another, if I have gotten any other kind of education, or religious identity...

Night is going on and I'm leaving home!!!