Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Weirdness, Thoughts, Love

And you show up in the night roads with your dark car. And you're still a ghost. And you still keep it as a secret. And I still keep my mouth shut. While I breathe, you're now safe. You're safe from my words, but not from my eyes. There you are. There you go.
Under the moon brilliance and the stars or through the mist of the fog. You show up. You just disappear.
In the other night you've stopped your car. Then you just disappearead between the buildings, through the never ending road, as a maze that I simply know too well. You'rea ghost of my past. I am the ghost of your sexual secrets. We're both ghosts and that's why I still desire you, no matter how hard things have gone in the last years. I still believe that we're perfect for each other, although you're not a cop or a muscular dude, like those I simply like and crave as fuck-toys. I still believe that we're perfect for each other, although I am not a chick, like your friends believe that you like.
Is it love? Or obsession? So many years and it is still this bad. I close the doors to them, to those others. I use them as fuck toys and nothing else. No feelings involved, because i'm unable to allow such thing to happen. No one shall dare to come too close.
The others... if they know that there's something / someone keeping me aside from this silly love and seduction games or if they don't know anything at all... I don't really give a fuck about that. It's not their business. It's not their hearts or feelings or lifestyle.

Why you and not someone else?
An when I type about "you", is it really YOU or is it someone else? Who knows? Who cares?
I have ideas that I should write down in a note book or to type them down in my mobile. Doing some what of sketches, but I don't. I have those ideas in a cafe or while I am walking down the streets. Still I could sketch them in my mobile, notebook or somewhere. But I sit down in front of a computer or a tablet and I simply let it flow.

Wicked mind.
Wicked me.
Weird way of twist.
That's me!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Seduction games and toothaches

Everything is a game.
Life itself is a game. A game from the which no one will come out alive.
In the last days, I've had several toothaches and today my face is swollen. A big bulge showed up in my right chin and under my right eye. I feel like I am a big ballon, whose holding rope is my (very) thin body.
Days are passing by. Oportunities are left to escape and then I read some quotes online that make me wonder and question. "The child you were would be proud of the person you are today?" If the child I were came to the future and saw my daily reality, would be definitell scared, shocked and sad. Perhaps, if that could happen, he, that little and innocent Bruno, wouldmake it through life. Perhaps if it were possible to get back in time and tell him that none of his dreams would become true, he would work towards it and would change all this reality. It's not possible. Time to deal with it and to face reality.
I have been in the datong website where I am at. I'm no longer in the website for gay men, but I'm in a wider website, from straight to open minded people to meet each others. Of course that I tend to look at gay and bisexual men. The pictures I see... pictures with the purpose to call other people's attention. Some can make us water from our mouths. Others are unpleasant. There is a game, the "dating game", where you see people's picture and you can hit three different buttons. "Yes", "maybe" and "no". I constantly press the "no" button. Some are too good, others too ugly. Some are too young for my tastes. Others too old. Some too chubby. Others too skinny (a bit like me). And the game keeps going, endlessly. I keep, like in life, pressing the "no" button. Denyong every chance or oportunity.
The temperature has increased. We've had about 20° C. It's pleasant to have such temperatures. It's pleasant to see how some people are positively affected by the warmer days and nights. And still at night, my desire to walk under the night sky is bigger. To think and to listen music blasting out loud in the earphones, under the stars.
It's a game.
Everything's just a game.
And I am doing the best of my own.

Thursday, March 06, 2014

so much to do, that it even hurts!

I have had several thoughts and ideas. I haven't writen them down or put them in practice. I do my stuffs and that's it. Seems that I don't care about stuffs anymore.
I am looking forward something and I can not discover or decipher what that little piece of something is. (Do not tell me the obvious, I know that very well).
I am using the little remaining minutes to write this. This is it. The day started well and boring with something I have had to do. I fell aslept as I have arrived home and things gone truly wrong (hours passed by without having me realizing about them). It's getting dark outside and it seems that the longer days are having their effect. Spring will be her soon. I see the flowers showing up here and there. The Spring birds are flying the skies, with their dance. I see it all developing, while my metamorphosis is not coming. I am sadened.
I have walked the streets of Lisbon yesterday. The city sadens me. Beautiful ol builings falling apart. Beautiful old buildings where people could live, falling apart, abandoned. Beautiful old buildings being demolished, so new buildings are popping up. Lisbon, my beautiful and sad city. I crave you and your streets, but I could not desire any others but those where I live at. I have all my life here. Everybody seem to be able to move on, but me...
Pissed off, disturbed and annoyed.
What to do?
So many things that it hurts!