Wednesday, May 18, 2011

After a long while without typing anything down, wether in English or Portuguese, here I am! once again, when the frost of restarting writing is broken, it almost always has to do with musics! Musics I used to listen a lot and that used to make me travel around the globe and around all the dimensions! I still dream of fairies, vampires, middle ages and some stuffs that for others are just that: dreams! Fantasies! They're out there! They're for real!! Maybe not in this same plan of dimension we live at, but in an alternative one!! Maybe we're all Gods and all our dreams, all of our fantasies are just real worlds in another dimensions or points of Universe!

Such as all of this... Someone whisper on my almost deaf ear! It don't need my ears, sane or deafs, to listen to their voices!! I feel them calling me all the time!! The elves!! The faeries!! Warriors of the darkness, as well, at the candle light in their tents!! Gladiators in their cages, with the sexiness of their msucular bodies, inviting me to a night of lust!! The power of the magic in my hands!! The power of changing the world!! The power of making possible to do the others dream again!! The power of space ships crossing the sky, like airplanes do!! The power of making all my fantasies gain a body!!

My idea to return to blogging, was to start typing some stories!! Some fantasies!! Let's see if that works out!! Let's see if my old fictions / novels retsart here!! Let's see if my voices within gain their so desired body, free of mine!!

Goodnight... I am going to sleep... And the voice of the goddess shuts in silence and only the song of silence floats in the air, like the drunkness of strong, yet sweet perfume!!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bored Tonight

My latest addiction, since I went back on playing Shaiya, is "away" from me for about one hour or so. This game's server is up for a maintenance, so I not allowed to get in there. Possibly I will stand around back on painting, possibly writing a few poems, or something like that. There is such a huge lack of words within me lately, but I really gotta stand up and fight this "thing"!

Like the angels of Death, I feel bored, looking in the horizon... Just nothing to say, just no moaning tonight... I just wanted to give something new here, as for a long, long time that I have kept this shut!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Just Insane

This blog... This little space of my own, where I put my feelings down, such as i would do in a diary, has been a bit abandoned... Such as an attention whore, like any good artist, rulling three blogs, eventhough they're all about the same, doesn't gives us the "quality" sometimes to share what we're feeling, what we're thinking, what we're desiring, what's creeping us out, what's driving us crazy, when we're down and when we're in an euphoric state, such as I am feeling right now, though the sleep is putting a little brake on it now!! Ha!

It's just insane that I've been swimming in a sea of depression, almost drowned in this sea of sorrow and laments, but today, without alcohol, without any drugs, I was in such a huge euphoria, that it seems I was able to touch the sky, to feel the clouds between my fingers, to feel the wind between my legs, such as a motorcyle, with it's vibrating motor, taking me away in a long highway to nowhere!!

After all that I've been way into in the last few months, with the help of a special man, I am feeling like rising up... Such as the Phoenix, rising from it's ashes, fly in flames once again... I am affraid that this thing between me and you works out in anything, P., I am way too scared that this thing has brought you into my life in a way that I was not wanting, especially now, especially after all the I passed for, especially after all those last happenings, such as seing that guy once again, after all this hate get mixed with all this love and doing it looking like a bomb, exploding inside my chest, feeling all the love, all the hate and all the pain once again, after so much time, for him to show me the shade of my soul, to carry it away once again!! I am way too scared and i am wanting to run away, but there's nothing as a certain thing yet, so let us see what's popping out next!!

Just had a stupid conversation with a kiddo on Facebook, who was blamin´ his dad for doing noise with his HARLEY, while he was trying to see "Jackass"!! Well, why the fuck he complains about the noise of the Harley's motorbreath, to see what we can call of crap?? "Jackass" was alright when I was 18, now almost at 24, it's just another TV show and neither the stupid guys in that show, who can be very hot, are the teasers to stick me in front of the TV!! I would stick staring at those guys, if they were driving Harleys, all along my way, inviting for some rides!! Ha!! The a "Harley's Jackass" would sound good to me!! I do miss a ride in a motorcycle...

It's just insane how little things like this make me miss so much some stuffs in my past... Let's just see what the nearest future will bring, because anything beyond 2 months is too much for me to think!!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sad Without a Reason

Well, arrived one hour ago at home!! Went to the marina of Cascais to go to a club, but guess what?? I wasn't able to relax, to let myself go, to have fun, to feel the music in my soul, to feel my body just swinging with the sound of the music... Seems like i really need drugs or alcohol to relax, to have fun... I realised tonight that I do need those stuffs to help me to relax, to help me letting myself going with the flow, having fun, relaxing, feeling the music within my body, vibrating in each little bit of my bones... Most of this stuffs, I can feel them even sleeping,b ut not that happiness, not that will to be surrounded by people, especially with a company that I would prefer keeping away from me!! I thank you all, guys & girls, for calling me to have fun, but my smile to you was fake!! The smile to the pictures was fake!! I was sad, bothered inside, those people looking at me was bothering me, i haven't even lift up my eyes, I prefered to take a look through the window, to see the river or the sea outside, am not sure now! Prefered to think they wasn't looking at me,l prefered to imagine I was somewhere else!! i was wishing to go out for a long, long time ago, but I said this before, my soul ain't told me it was the right night to go out, to have fun, to dance...

Anyway, why the fuck everyone is now bothering me with the fact that I am unhappy alone?? Why the fuck is everyone wanting to see me engaged? I might not be happy with this choice of mine, but I said it all previously: IT'S MY CHOICE!! Happy or unhappy, it's me living with it, no one else, so please, people, leave my fucking mind alone!!

I've been blogging this matter previously in Portuguese, so most of what I was needing to say, is said and my mood is not going any better!! I am just giving a quick read in a stuff and then I am off to the bed!! Need to try to heal this broken mind of mine!!

Need to heal this sadness for unknon reasons...

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

I was about...

This is a Painting by me!! :)

I was about bitching. I was depressed... Am a bit sort of of depressed, but not needing to bitch!! Been talking on messenger all night long, been watching some videos to laugh and sharing them with my friend Xana. Been listening to Amália Rodrigues, my favourite singer, chosing some oif the most depressive songs, but it's a good pain!! I need this!! I need her voice, as my comfortable spot. i need to cry, when I feel in the mood to!! And Amália can be such a great help!! Just dropped two gross tears!! Just felt a chill within my bones, while i heard her singing in the excerpt of a movie!!

More and more minutes, listening to Amáklia, to her wonderful voice, to her incredible presence in live shows or in TV. And when i say i am writing, it doesn't matters if i am bitching (I was seeing I wasn't doing it so!! xD) on my blogs or if I am taking care of my poetry or anything else i am doing, including painting, people should suppose that i want peace, but noooo!!! That old man tha added me on facebook who I chatted a bit there, then added him to my MSN kept annoying me, asking me to talk with him, asking me to cheer up!! NO!!! I DON'T FUCKIN' WANNA CHEER UP!! NO, I DON'T WANT FEEL BETTER, WHILE I DON'T CRY ALL MY TEARS OUT, EVEN IF THAT INCLUDES CRY MY EYE GLOBES OUT TOO!! NO, I DON'T WANNA BE CHEERED UP, I WANNA CRY, YELL, MOVE MY ARMS AND LEGS ALL OVER!!

I know that people worry and concern about me, but dammit!! I hate when they think that just because I have depressive phases (way too many), I need joy in my life, a person by my side or anything like that!! And no, Xande, i didn't wanted to smoke pot, not when I am depressed, because I always feel worse!! I prefer smoke pot when i am happy or close too, because happiness is strange to me, happiness is way harder to deal with than sadness. And hey, Xande, here's another message for you: In the other day, you faggot boy (I love you anyway, my friend), you told me not to make faggot comments, but you being gay and shaking your hands like it "shows you out" way more than me, the way you were talking to the army guy today... Hmm, that was way too faggot and you compained on me in the other day?? Weird... Anyway, army guys never complained of me being throwingf myself at them, but one of them complained to me that you did it to him, in the other night!! Weird too, huh?? But never fucking mind, i said I was about bitching and am bitching something here, not have to call your attention to this fact, not to have to upset my beauty with fucking idiot things!!

And people... The bitchness goes on!!! Some people are always complaining that I talk, laugh and do other stuffs way out loud!! I don't give a fuck!!! If I am in the café and am sat in a table and you come to sit at my table, get your fuckin' butt up and walk away!!! You don't see me speaking out loud of my problems in the café, do you?? You don't see me telling everything to everyone, do you?? You don't see me spreading my sadness or bad mood in the café, because when they arrive, I get my skinny butt up and just walk away!! I don't care if others like or dislike. I don't care if anyone will ever love me (yeah, loneliness is such a pitty, but better being on my own, then getting hurt again! And no, Paulo, you gay nurse boy, I do not prefer being happy than creating beautiful things!! I prefer creating beautiful things with my loneliness, than doing ugly things with happiness and to get my heart screwed again!)!! of course that are days that I crave for someone caring for me, huging me, cheering me up, but no, no, NO!!!! No more thoughts in this direction... Not tonight!!! And you guys, in there, inside my mind SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! You're not helping tonight!!!

Long time no writing down here, as well as I don't do it in my diaries, but it became easier to write here!! Surely that are stuffs which are not in my diaries, that are not in these blogs. i got a secret blog, with a secret name, where all my secrets are there!! ALL OF NASTY THINGS!! I still think I might delete that stuff, but for now, it's still there!! For now, i am still in the mood to write in 4 blogs, each day, each feeling, in the one that fits it the best, though all of them are not way too different from each others!! There is the Victim's blog, Angel's blog in portuguese, there's Bruno's blog (the secret one, with secret name), but I am still in the sake of writing them down!! Victim's blog is the one who i care a bit more of what what I write down there, because one of my best friends reads it and I know she hates knowing when I am bad, she always advise me, but what to do?? Not always happy (rarely), not always in the mood for good thing, not always wishing to be dead!! most people who deal with me nowadays don't know that inside, I feel mostly sad, that I get depression attacks jjust like that, that suicidal thoughts are a real thing for me. It's makes things way easier for me, because I can suffer in peace. There are only one or two people who deal with me of that long time ago, who still knows, who still understand that they must leave me alone when I ask for it!

And now, one last subject (unless you guys don't shut up in there!)... Been talking with a girl, added her in my facebook, due to our "chat" in comments in one of my many penpals groups and something that shown up was one old idea of mine. When I thought I would love to live in the States or anywhere else in the world. Nowadays, this doesn't sounds appealing to me anymore, just because I could't be far from my country, from my people, from our music, from our food, from our language. I once read that love is a slow suicide, but being far from Portugal would be the slowest and most painful death I could ever taste! I love my country more than anything, now. And yeah, now, because before i had my grand dad to love even more than the country, now he's gone, just hoping not to take too much time for me to meet him up again!! To meet grand dad, grand ma, dad, all those I have already lost...

Too much that could be said, too much that could be bitched up, but now...Well, guess that now its the time for me to leave... Time to eat something, time to lay down and sleep two hours, before getting up and going to do my blood tests. No more time to think, no more time to whisper, no more time to desire... Just me, the bed and my soul will fly a bit, while I am sleeping...

Now... Now that it's time to leave, tears came back... Tears for me... Tears for you... Tears for the world... Tears for all the destruction, for all the war, for all the pain we cause to each others... I hate feeling this much!! it's good as an artist, but terrible as a human being!! it hurts just too much!!

I just wanna be able to lay my head down and be able to rest in peace!! Is that asking too much?? It seems so!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Listening to such wonders like this, I still wonder how do human beings create so many wars, how do we fight so much each others, how do we still kill each others just for fun and pleasure. I still wonder how good it would be to leave this world behind, listening to something so beautiful like this! No more pain! No more wars! No more hate! No more killings!

I realise how we are stupid, how tiny we are, but we still think we rule, we are the lords of the planet! It doesn't matter!! We'll never own anything! We'll never be superior to any specie, just because we behave in the most disgusting way to each others, to the planet, to the animals. How sweet sounds now the idea of leaving this world behind, I repeat!

Just wondering, due to such beauty!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Broken Boy

Am here for a few hours trying to decide what to write down. Wished I could do happier things!! Wished I could do pretty things, but this is the way I am!! And for the time I got this open, to write down something, after talking to him, after being telling him more on what's going on wrong with me, being with the liars' song on, for some reason that I unknown myself. Been here for too long, almost crying, just because he is not giving up on me, just because he's saying that I can count on him anytime, just because he's in my life, eventhough it's not real yet, it's just virtual, but no judgements, no demandings (just the demanding for my happiness), blah, blah, blah...

Am broken... Am really broken... My healt is no longer perfect, it'll never be perfect again, but I can do lots of things, like I always did. Nothing will stop me!!

Just got a proposal from a Portuguese actor who added me in the FB for registering my poetries in the portuguese society of authors, so I'll get paid whenever I publish a book with them. I can also register my paintings! I do believe it might be wonderful, it might help me a lot, being a registered author, but what's behind this helping? It can be a uninterested action, but what if?? The old "what if" thingy!! Everyone has a dark side (in my case, we can say that I have a light side xD  ). He says he can do this for me for free, but i've learnt on my own that nothing's for free in life, neither love, nor pleasure! I think I'll take it on... I think I'll face the danger, no matter what!! Yeah, love, I'll take te danger of tkaing this offer on, take a lil bit of the risk. Yeah, Sofy, I'll take it on. Maybe then you won't say that I don't live, maybe then you'll see I am taking the right steps on the right path!!

Broken... Physically... Broken... Mentally... Broken... Spiritualy...

My feelings are never the same. People use to have a line of feeling, it's never too extreme, I am always in the limbo, over depression or euphoria... This is not good, but am fighting this as hard as I can, only for you, love!! You might not love me, but I am wanting really hard to love you!!

No more loneliness... No more longings on what if... Just me and you... You and I... And nothing else would matter!!

Saturday, February 05, 2011

I Wanna Leave

I need to leave this wicked world behind. Flowers became hard stones for me. The air I breathe feels like poison to my lungs. I smoke my cigarettes. I smoke over and over, cigarette after cigarette, because I can not feel peace within. I try hard and harder day by day, hour by hour, but there's no way to get some peace into this wicked soul. Seems that my old desire became true: I am all alone, I can not find anyone who can love, especially now. Oh! Yeah, I know, there are my friends, but friends are not the right people to give a kiss in the lips, to give me a hug in the darkest hours of my physical conditons or in the darkest hours of my mind. There are secrets that only two friends of mine do know, there are secrets that i wish was able to hide from the entire world. i wish it was possible to hide many things, including my feelings, even from myself.

I know, feeling this much, using it to work or write is such a great gift. I can be big! Numerology said so! Tarot said so! But it's such a curse too! The curse of carrying a cross! Carrying a cross heavier than we can really stand! I feel like there's nothing left to me... My body is ruined... My soul is broken into a thousand pieces... It turned to ashes and was spread by the wind... But my feelings are deep inside of me, bothering me hard and harder day by day, week by week, year by year...

It might sounds negative, but i got this hard feeling after going to the café. Seeing my friends hurted me... Seeing some couples hurted me... Because this feeling of emptiness is not fulfilled by anyone, is not fulfilled by anyone. I still miss those times i barely understood what I feel, i barely understood that I could feel. There are days i miss my past. Others, that I miss the day which is going! Others when I miss myself... I wanna go and vanish in the air, like ashes... The ashes of my cigarette, which last nothing, but a few minutes... I wanna be part of the sea... I wanna fly higher! I wanna scream louder! i wanna be a poet! I wanna be an artist! I wanna not to feel this much!! I wanna be everything... And I am nothing!

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

What To Say?

I look at my past. I remember those old times. Seems it's all so far away. The feelings ain't changed much. My questions are still the same of qhen I was a child. I still listen to the same voice. But there are other things which seems way too far. I still wonder why all this sadness, even when I am smiling. I still wonder how do I can smile, when all the pain inside seems just too much than I can even stand. This world hurts me. Beauty hurts me. Ugliness hurt me. Smiles hurt me. Tears hurt me. Why all this feeling? Why this feeling of emptiness, even when I am surrounded by dozens of people?

I still wonder why do the winds whispers his secrets to me. I still wonder the sea calls me everytime. I still wonder which will be the taste of Death... I mean, of being dead, not of tasting the death of others, because it's just too much pain going on and on... There's so many things why I wonder, that I try to give up on wondering on this. Just letting it flow, just letting it go.

Still look at my past... But am getting some stuffs from  my past back, like getting high and going on for car rides on high speed. Sure, I do not drive. I am too affraid to take my driver's license, but I still love going on high speed...

Wondering... Wondering... Most artists got this wondering stuff... But what to say? What to do? Nothing!! Just leave and feel! Peace, love and respect!!

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

In The Darkest Corners Of My Mind

No matter how many years will pass by, till my departing day. No matter how many voices scream out loud in my head. No matter how hard loneliness hits me. No matter how shinny or grey days are. No matter how many cigarettes I smoke. Because there are dark corners in my mind and they belong to you. I feel you looking at me from there, like a spider in it's web, waiting for the fly to fall in the trap. Your eyes on me has been just another to hurt me. You smile has been the fire to burn me hard. And my love for doesn't ceases! My love for you is stronger day by day. No matter what! i may starting liking someone, but it will never be the same than what I had for you.

The darkest corners of my mind are no longer fulfilled with monsters. The darkest corner s of my mind are yours, for your sake, for your guilty, for your sake, for your pleasure and delight. Your green eyes and your lighty smile are part of me. Do not be affraid, I won't reveal your secrets out loud to the wind. They're mine! I'll carry them out to my grave! But my love for you, I weep it out!!

In the darkest corners of my mind, I can feel the heartbeat of everything in this world. With eyes wide shut, I walk the streets and i can feel the wind blowing between my years, blowing my ideas, blowing the voices in my head. But they're here.

I close my eyes while I walk... I feel their eyes on me! I close my eyes, I can listen to my own heartbeat!

In the darkest corners of my mind, there are kingdoms! In the darkest corners of my mind, there are big cities! in the dark corners of my mind, there's peace and war! In the darkest corners of my mind there's everything, but me!

I am one and one are three... Voices, more voices within me. My chest burns, it seems it's going to explode!! But till now, here I am!! Because the darkest corners of my mind are full of everything!!

Life Is Going By

Still couldn't forgot you, but time keeps passing by, days keep going on and on! Nothing stops time and life, so why not just letting myself go with the flow? Why keeping me trapped to you? The more I love is not the more you'll love or ever think about me, so why am I not able to get over you? It's not fair, not a fair fight, but here I am, trying to tell myself that I'll get over you, to tell myself that I can get over all this feeling, to tell myself that my madness can make me run through all the good things, without thinking of you, but it hasn't been possible.

Así como Shakira lo dice, no he conocido ojos como los que tienes tu!!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Let Me Go!!!

I am sick and tired of all this routine in the hospital. I am sick of having to spend my days in the bed with the face against the pillow, due to the eye surgery. I am sick and tired of being alone. I am sick and tired of always running from love. There is nothing I crave more but human touch. And no, you might know me quite well, but I am not talking about sex, I am craving for a hug, for a kiss, for someone whispering me that despite all the things that gone wrong, everything will be fine!! I am craving for a body by my side in my bed, without anysexual intentions, just to stand there by my side, staring me, touching me or just kissing my neck, my face and my lips. Someone to shove the hair from my eyes and to clean my silent tears.

I've never felt so alone and I gotta say that my body suffered a few mutations with my diseases, so who's up to be aside a mutant? Who's up to cuddle me? Who's up for anything? Friends... My friends are way cool, they're way nice, but they cannot dream what's really going on with me and, depending on me, it'll be my secret for a long, long time. But I need more they can offer me. I wish I was so highed, I almost fell apart.

Tomorrow, another appointment, at 10 a.m.. A few more hours spent in the hospital, seing beautiful and ugly people walking the corridors. Young and new. Too hopeful or too hopeless. 

I wish I could spread my angel wings and simply fly away!

I wish all that I dream off, I wish all that voices in my head show me was for real outside. I wish my soul could be hunted! I wish i could hunt myself again and never ever think or dream of you again. Even when i stay in the hospital, had a dream of you. Dreamed you knew me again, dreamed you came after me, knew all the truth about me and despite that, you kissed me in an old stairway, you faced cops for me, we run away together, but you're way too far, so it has just been a dream. And I knew it was a dream for the very early beggining!!

I still wonder, how do one person, can hurt another so much? How do someone can love another person this much? Before you, I used to dream of love, but never this bursting. There is an old poem which says that love is fire that burns but we cannot feel, Pain which hurts but we cannot feel. This has never been truth to me, till I have found you, have had you in my life, R., and then you just shake me out of your life. Then you suddendly returned and all you did during the days I saw you, was staring at me, including in the party's night.

As soon as I can, I wanna smoke some hash, no matter how I'll feel after that, because i know it'll bring you up to my thoughts again. I wanna walk up the nocturnal streets, feel the wind blow at my face... I just wanna let go... Let go all this feeling! Let go all this stuffs!

I want you to let me go!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


This won't be such an happy or funny or even interesting post!! This will be for someone who just read my blog and said it's fascinating this whole thing of the voices within my head, of the feelings of my alter-egos, of the working mind of this human being who's typing down here right now.

For me, typing this down, dealing with all these voices within my head, dealing with yellings, like that little animal which was Pinnochio's conscience, dealing with lots of cigarettes, dealing with sleepless nights are not something weird or new for me at all. Angel's still killing monsters, whenever he feels bored. He even creates them, just for the fun to kill them out! Nina... Well, that little bitch, would love to pick a motorcycle and go for a ride with a huge muscular guy and have a wild sex session with him, or just get drunk, while relaxing in the beach at night! There are other voices, but none of them is identifiable, none of them gets a shape. Suppose they're not that important; are they??

Changing the matter:

There is not I can't wait like the summer, now. I am a Winter lover, but after texting my loving Sofia this afternoon and the last few days, after discovering that, after all, she understands my feeling for you, R., because she is in the same situation, despite she is trying to hide it, like she always does. We talked the last noon about some wonderful places in our beloved Portugal, some beaches, about the sea and she said that in Summer we would go there, to change of place, to forget this wicked city. And that's why i can not wait for Summer. Who knows, maybe Summer brings good things my way too. It can't all be bad, it can't always be bad things. And there are good things which come with bad times, that helps us to pass over them. What can be worse than this, what can be worse than the doom within me, within my blood, within my veins, my soul and my essence?

Who's gonna embrace me? Who's gonna pick me on the lap, take me flying so high and then let me fall to death? Who will let me go down, so down, that neither devil's be able to grab me? Who will hug me, without a word, without a judge? Who will love me, after this physical mutations, due to my diseases? Who will be able to stand my nights in the café? Who will want to go over with me, wherever I go? Why am I so alone? Why can't I get you out of my mind?

Do I deserve a bit of love? Do I deserve, no matter what? Tell me, do I deserve to do my art? Do i deserve this words' gift? Do I deserve the fame from my work? Why do I feel fascinated by a flying leaf? Why do a cat make me wonder how is it to pick him up and just cuddle him? Why do animals seems more pleasant to me, than humans? Why are people so interesting, in the end?

So many questions, so few answers... And life keeps passing by!

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Wish...

That there were a moment only mine. A moment that no one called for my attention. A moment that no one would crave for my presence. A moment that no one would call my name. A moment where I could be on my own, with no lights, no music, no life at all!

I wish there were those moments like the last few nights in the hospital, when anxiety called me out there to smoke a cigarette. A moment of peace, despite all the sick people along the nurseries. A moment of loneliness that would not taste bad. A moment where I could be me, only!

But I also wish all the contrarious things! I wish for the kiss of a hard lover! I wish for the hug of a motherfucker! I wish for a ride in high speed, like the one in the last week! A moment of being high, with no wories on the world out there! I wish peace! I wish war! I wanna live!! I wanna die!! Cats to barks, dogs to meow! Birds to climb trees and apes to fly! I wish a coloured sky and black mountains! I wish everything... I wish nothing!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Are Any More Words Necessary?

Tell me, babe, are any more words necessary? Doesn't all those words I wasted here tell everything? Doesn't all the musics I waste on you tell all my pain? Why do you still look at me? Why now, that I am broken and done? Why can't I let you go?? Why, like a fool, I still bear your eyes on me?

I need to spread my wings and fly... And let you behind...

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Last night had a wonderful night. Had a party! Lots of metal and rock and a DJ after that! I danced all night long. And I saw your green eyes on me, right when "Fear Of The Dark" was about to begin and you know what? I don't give a fuck, by now! "Fear Of The Dark" is ma song and I jumped all over, I screamed, I sang, I danced, I had fun!! Lots of fun!! That was my night and I enjoyed it as much as I could and you couldn't stop me!! No one could stop me from having amazing fun!! :)

I want some more parties. I want some more car rides! I want some more nights out!! Definitelly, not much inspired to write tonight, but something like this needed to be said!!

A perfect Night

A perfect night out, dancing, having fun, smoking some pot, having a few drinks and being with friends, instead being all the time in the café!! Turtles and Paulinho, happy 4th birthday to Nosso Café!! :)  I wish I had the time to enjoy a bit more of the party, but my ride just left, so, home time!! :)

And ya, love!! I saw ya!! I felt your eyes on me, but this is not a night to think on what gone wrong. Tonight, is not the night do moan on you. It was my night to go out and dance, enjoy and have fun!! And I surelly did it!! So, it was my night!! And I had lots of fun!!

Love y'all, readers!! Love y'all, brothers!! Love y'all, friends!! Love y'all, lovers!!

Peace, love & respect,

Bruno (and all his alter egos)

Friday, January 07, 2011

You, again...

You, again... It seems that's it's now on my daily basis, to you see you everynight. I am sick and tired of this feeling! i am letting myself going with the flow, letting someone grab my hand and pull me up, but there you are, almost ruining my chance to lift up...

Your eyes settled over mine, once again... No more way to lies, no more way to cheating on myself, it's you who I love. It's you who I need! It's you who I need to forget... You can do no good to me!! You never did no good to me!! You were and you still are like a drug... At the simple scent of you, I am running after you, I am running after your green eyes look, I am looking for your wicked smile, I am looking for your love... I am still wishing that the dead flower inside my chest turns into a beautiful spring flower again. I would never tell you my little big secret, but you would be safe for my temptations! I would never let anyone hurt you, but I would never let you be hurt! I would drown for you, but I would keep the sea away from you, so it could never take you away from me...

It's enough of this, for me... It's all for your sake... You shake the bag and keep shaking it... But my face is all over the prized balls... Or am I the one shaking the bag? Don't even care, anymore... I saw you, once again, for the second, or third night of this week... Are you going to be in the party too? Are you going to haunt the night I am looking forward? Hope not... I need peace of mind... I need to forget you... But your white snow body, your green eyes are always there... Who am I? Who are you? What are you for me, love? What am I for you?

Your eyes, over mines... They just run... Are you affaraid of the past? I am not, I am willing it! Can you just go with the wind, again? So I can miss you, but not revive your sweet nightmare... Please...

Wednesday, January 05, 2011


Of so many things I've done in my life, possibly the refuse of someone a couple days ago has been the biggest mistake I've done in my life. But I am not worried... Night is yet a child... Life is yet a child... There is yet a lot to come before all that need to be done. There is so much to be said. There is a long path to be walked. There are many dreams to be dreamt. There are many songs to be sung. There is just too much to be done. And why not recognizing some mistakes and get what is given to me? Is it too late? Perhaps, there's any other  person out there wishing to love me... Who knows? I don't and don't really care!!

Ahah! Confuse lines, I know!! I might have lost the chance to be loved, but there are just too many people out there!! I can wait! We can handle this! We can not! I can fly! I can not! The night is all mine! It belongs to no one! Ahah!! I just want a car in high speed in a highway, a lot of pot to be smoked and nothing else matters, but the speed!! :)

Mistakes are part of the human being! Who haven't made a mistake? A single one, even just a wrong type? A little thing!! I am human, after all! I have feelings, I have what can be called of feelings... Maybe too many and being affraid of getting hurt, I try to hide them!! It is too much for me to handle! I can not keep going in this kinda "flight"! Sacrifice!! It is my soul's sacrifice!! It's your sacrifice, tearing your eyes down on my words!!It's something... It's nothing... It's me!! I'm nobody!! NO, I AM SOMEONE!!

Sunday, January 02, 2011

One more night out in the café!!

One more night... It gone by, one more night... More cigarettes... More drinks (coke, in my case)... More ashes in the ashtrays... More conversations... More laughs... More melancholy for me...

I decided to take my mobile off my pocket and starting recording the night. I got three nice videos of us talking, laughing, smoking, drinking and all the normal things in the café. It was so nice, but when I record those nights, it's like if I was wanting to stay alive through those videos. May be that the reason? May be that why I always want to have videos of mine, in those nights out, in the café?

I can not explain the reason. I couldn't do it. There are a few things in my life that has no reason to be, that has no reason to happen... Like the cigarettes I smoke. The ashes they do. The ashes the wind takes from them. My sadness. My melancholy. My desires. My dreams. My hopes.

What are dreams made of? Why do they come to us? Why do some people dream of prophecies and others don't?

After this night out, went with a girl to the ATM, after the car ride, not to let her go alone and stood a while with them, because of a lil' gang passing by. Cool! Went down the stairs, walked the tunnel way fast and got inside home. Right now, they're possibly drinking, dancing, having fun... I wanted to. If I had money... They said someone could pay me the night out... I wanted to. If I had the guts to stand my mum's face, reproving everything I do, everything in my life... I am missing one night out... I am missing one car ride in the highway, in high speed, through the night, under the moonlight...

Ghosts... My ghosts are there... I've seen him... And he's haunting me... I can't move on... I can't be happy... And I can not forget...

Saturday, January 01, 2011


Time passes by. The weel keeps turning. Life still goes on. And after seing you yesterday, after tasting your green eyes again, I feel cooler... I said I didn't wanted someone else's hand, but today I let myself go a bit with the flow. Talked to who offered me hope... I am trying to give hope to someone needing it... Someone believing to be in my situation ( not about you, in the end, you're not the only thing in my life) and needing a little light and here I am, trying to give that hope to him.

Today, I accepted a conversation online with that person that, eventhough he doesn't really knows me (and yeah, not like you, definitelly!), that says he feels into me, he wants to love me, to take care of me... Well, Sofia said "once you can't love, let yourself being loved!". Why not?? But definitelly, not into letting myself go with the flow... I want to... But I don't want to... Definitelly, not into warming more beds... Not into going on shinny paths, when darker ones are safer... No more into losing myself again, because of someone...

What to do? What can I do? I don't need an answer, I need action...