Friday, January 28, 2011

Let Me Go!!!




I am sick and tired of all this routine in the hospital. I am sick of having to spend my days in the bed with the face against the pillow, due to the eye surgery. I am sick and tired of being alone. I am sick and tired of always running from love. There is nothing I crave more but human touch. And no, you might know me quite well, but I am not talking about sex, I am craving for a hug, for a kiss, for someone whispering me that despite all the things that gone wrong, everything will be fine!! I am craving for a body by my side in my bed, without anysexual intentions, just to stand there by my side, staring me, touching me or just kissing my neck, my face and my lips. Someone to shove the hair from my eyes and to clean my silent tears.


I've never felt so alone and I gotta say that my body suffered a few mutations with my diseases, so who's up to be aside a mutant? Who's up to cuddle me? Who's up for anything? Friends... My friends are way cool, they're way nice, but they cannot dream what's really going on with me and, depending on me, it'll be my secret for a long, long time. But I need more they can offer me. I wish I was so highed, I almost fell apart.


Tomorrow, another appointment, at 10 a.m.. A few more hours spent in the hospital, seing beautiful and ugly people walking the corridors. Young and new. Too hopeful or too hopeless. 


I wish I could spread my angel wings and simply fly away!


I wish all that I dream off, I wish all that voices in my head show me was for real outside. I wish my soul could be hunted! I wish i could hunt myself again and never ever think or dream of you again. Even when i stay in the hospital, had a dream of you. Dreamed you knew me again, dreamed you came after me, knew all the truth about me and despite that, you kissed me in an old stairway, you faced cops for me, we run away together, but you're way too far, so it has just been a dream. And I knew it was a dream for the very early beggining!!


I still wonder, how do one person, can hurt another so much? How do someone can love another person this much? Before you, I used to dream of love, but never this bursting. There is an old poem which says that love is fire that burns but we cannot feel, Pain which hurts but we cannot feel. This has never been truth to me, till I have found you, have had you in my life, R., and then you just shake me out of your life. Then you suddendly returned and all you did during the days I saw you, was staring at me, including in the party's night.


As soon as I can, I wanna smoke some hash, no matter how I'll feel after that, because i know it'll bring you up to my thoughts again. I wanna walk up the nocturnal streets, feel the wind blow at my face... I just wanna let go... Let go all this feeling! Let go all this stuffs!


I want you to let me go!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Fascination

This won't be such an happy or funny or even interesting post!! This will be for someone who just read my blog and said it's fascinating this whole thing of the voices within my head, of the feelings of my alter-egos, of the working mind of this human being who's typing down here right now.


For me, typing this down, dealing with all these voices within my head, dealing with yellings, like that little animal which was Pinnochio's conscience, dealing with lots of cigarettes, dealing with sleepless nights are not something weird or new for me at all. Angel's still killing monsters, whenever he feels bored. He even creates them, just for the fun to kill them out! Nina... Well, that little bitch, would love to pick a motorcycle and go for a ride with a huge muscular guy and have a wild sex session with him, or just get drunk, while relaxing in the beach at night! There are other voices, but none of them is identifiable, none of them gets a shape. Suppose they're not that important; are they??


Changing the matter:


There is not I can't wait like the summer, now. I am a Winter lover, but after texting my loving Sofia this afternoon and the last few days, after discovering that, after all, she understands my feeling for you, R., because she is in the same situation, despite she is trying to hide it, like she always does. We talked the last noon about some wonderful places in our beloved Portugal, some beaches, about the sea and she said that in Summer we would go there, to change of place, to forget this wicked city. And that's why i can not wait for Summer. Who knows, maybe Summer brings good things my way too. It can't all be bad, it can't always be bad things. And there are good things which come with bad times, that helps us to pass over them. What can be worse than this, what can be worse than the doom within me, within my blood, within my veins, my soul and my essence?




Who's gonna embrace me? Who's gonna pick me on the lap, take me flying so high and then let me fall to death? Who will let me go down, so down, that neither devil's be able to grab me? Who will hug me, without a word, without a judge? Who will love me, after this physical mutations, due to my diseases? Who will be able to stand my nights in the café? Who will want to go over with me, wherever I go? Why am I so alone? Why can't I get you out of my mind?


Do I deserve a bit of love? Do I deserve, no matter what? Tell me, do I deserve to do my art? Do i deserve this words' gift? Do I deserve the fame from my work? Why do I feel fascinated by a flying leaf? Why do a cat make me wonder how is it to pick him up and just cuddle him? Why do animals seems more pleasant to me, than humans? Why are people so interesting, in the end?


So many questions, so few answers... And life keeps passing by!

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Wish...


That there were a moment only mine. A moment that no one called for my attention. A moment that no one would crave for my presence. A moment that no one would call my name. A moment where I could be on my own, with no lights, no music, no life at all!

I wish there were those moments like the last few nights in the hospital, when anxiety called me out there to smoke a cigarette. A moment of peace, despite all the sick people along the nurseries. A moment of loneliness that would not taste bad. A moment where I could be me, only!

But I also wish all the contrarious things! I wish for the kiss of a hard lover! I wish for the hug of a motherfucker! I wish for a ride in high speed, like the one in the last week! A moment of being high, with no wories on the world out there! I wish peace! I wish war! I wanna live!! I wanna die!! Cats to barks, dogs to meow! Birds to climb trees and apes to fly! I wish a coloured sky and black mountains! I wish everything... I wish nothing!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Are Any More Words Necessary?




Tell me, babe, are any more words necessary? Doesn't all those words I wasted here tell everything? Doesn't all the musics I waste on you tell all my pain? Why do you still look at me? Why now, that I am broken and done? Why can't I let you go?? Why, like a fool, I still bear your eyes on me?

I need to spread my wings and fly... And let you behind...

Sunday, January 09, 2011



Last night had a wonderful night. Had a party! Lots of metal and rock and a DJ after that! I danced all night long. And I saw your green eyes on me, right when "Fear Of The Dark" was about to begin and you know what? I don't give a fuck, by now! "Fear Of The Dark" is ma song and I jumped all over, I screamed, I sang, I danced, I had fun!! Lots of fun!! That was my night and I enjoyed it as much as I could and you couldn't stop me!! No one could stop me from having amazing fun!! :)

I want some more parties. I want some more car rides! I want some more nights out!! Definitelly, not much inspired to write tonight, but something like this needed to be said!!

A perfect Night



A perfect night out, dancing, having fun, smoking some pot, having a few drinks and being with friends, instead being all the time in the café!! Turtles and Paulinho, happy 4th birthday to Nosso Café!! :)  I wish I had the time to enjoy a bit more of the party, but my ride just left, so, home time!! :)

And ya, love!! I saw ya!! I felt your eyes on me, but this is not a night to think on what gone wrong. Tonight, is not the night do moan on you. It was my night to go out and dance, enjoy and have fun!! And I surelly did it!! So, it was my night!! And I had lots of fun!!

Love y'all, readers!! Love y'all, brothers!! Love y'all, friends!! Love y'all, lovers!!

Peace, love & respect,

Bruno (and all his alter egos)

Friday, January 07, 2011

You, again...

You, again... It seems that's it's now on my daily basis, to you see you everynight. I am sick and tired of this feeling! i am letting myself going with the flow, letting someone grab my hand and pull me up, but there you are, almost ruining my chance to lift up...

Your eyes settled over mine, once again... No more way to lies, no more way to cheating on myself, it's you who I love. It's you who I need! It's you who I need to forget... You can do no good to me!! You never did no good to me!! You were and you still are like a drug... At the simple scent of you, I am running after you, I am running after your green eyes look, I am looking for your wicked smile, I am looking for your love... I am still wishing that the dead flower inside my chest turns into a beautiful spring flower again. I would never tell you my little big secret, but you would be safe for my temptations! I would never let anyone hurt you, but I would never let you be hurt! I would drown for you, but I would keep the sea away from you, so it could never take you away from me...

It's enough of this, for me... It's all for your sake... You shake the bag and keep shaking it... But my face is all over the prized balls... Or am I the one shaking the bag? Don't even care, anymore... I saw you, once again, for the second, or third night of this week... Are you going to be in the party too? Are you going to haunt the night I am looking forward? Hope not... I need peace of mind... I need to forget you... But your white snow body, your green eyes are always there... Who am I? Who are you? What are you for me, love? What am I for you?

Your eyes, over mines... They just run... Are you affaraid of the past? I am not, I am willing it! Can you just go with the wind, again? So I can miss you, but not revive your sweet nightmare... Please...

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Mistakes...



Of so many things I've done in my life, possibly the refuse of someone a couple days ago has been the biggest mistake I've done in my life. But I am not worried... Night is yet a child... Life is yet a child... There is yet a lot to come before all that need to be done. There is so much to be said. There is a long path to be walked. There are many dreams to be dreamt. There are many songs to be sung. There is just too much to be done. And why not recognizing some mistakes and get what is given to me? Is it too late? Perhaps, there's any other  person out there wishing to love me... Who knows? I don't and don't really care!!

Ahah! Confuse lines, I know!! I might have lost the chance to be loved, but there are just too many people out there!! I can wait! We can handle this! We can not! I can fly! I can not! The night is all mine! It belongs to no one! Ahah!! I just want a car in high speed in a highway, a lot of pot to be smoked and nothing else matters, but the speed!! :)

Mistakes are part of the human being! Who haven't made a mistake? A single one, even just a wrong type? A little thing!! I am human, after all! I have feelings, I have what can be called of feelings... Maybe too many and being affraid of getting hurt, I try to hide them!! It is too much for me to handle! I can not keep going in this kinda "flight"! Sacrifice!! It is my soul's sacrifice!! It's your sacrifice, tearing your eyes down on my words!!It's something... It's nothing... It's me!! I'm nobody!! NO, I AM SOMEONE!!

Sunday, January 02, 2011

One more night out in the café!!

One more night... It gone by, one more night... More cigarettes... More drinks (coke, in my case)... More ashes in the ashtrays... More conversations... More laughs... More melancholy for me...

I decided to take my mobile off my pocket and starting recording the night. I got three nice videos of us talking, laughing, smoking, drinking and all the normal things in the café. It was so nice, but when I record those nights, it's like if I was wanting to stay alive through those videos. May be that the reason? May be that why I always want to have videos of mine, in those nights out, in the café?

I can not explain the reason. I couldn't do it. There are a few things in my life that has no reason to be, that has no reason to happen... Like the cigarettes I smoke. The ashes they do. The ashes the wind takes from them. My sadness. My melancholy. My desires. My dreams. My hopes.

What are dreams made of? Why do they come to us? Why do some people dream of prophecies and others don't?

After this night out, went with a girl to the ATM, after the car ride, not to let her go alone and stood a while with them, because of a lil' gang passing by. Cool! Went down the stairs, walked the tunnel way fast and got inside home. Right now, they're possibly drinking, dancing, having fun... I wanted to. If I had money... They said someone could pay me the night out... I wanted to. If I had the guts to stand my mum's face, reproving everything I do, everything in my life... I am missing one night out... I am missing one car ride in the highway, in high speed, through the night, under the moonlight...

Ghosts... My ghosts are there... I've seen him... And he's haunting me... I can't move on... I can't be happy... And I can not forget...

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Bittersweet

Time passes by. The weel keeps turning. Life still goes on. And after seing you yesterday, after tasting your green eyes again, I feel cooler... I said I didn't wanted someone else's hand, but today I let myself go a bit with the flow. Talked to who offered me hope... I am trying to give hope to someone needing it... Someone believing to be in my situation ( not about you, in the end, you're not the only thing in my life) and needing a little light and here I am, trying to give that hope to him.

Today, I accepted a conversation online with that person that, eventhough he doesn't really knows me (and yeah, not like you, definitelly!), that says he feels into me, he wants to love me, to take care of me... Well, Sofia said "once you can't love, let yourself being loved!". Why not?? But definitelly, not into letting myself go with the flow... I want to... But I don't want to... Definitelly, not into warming more beds... Not into going on shinny paths, when darker ones are safer... No more into losing myself again, because of someone...

What to do? What can I do? I don't need an answer, I need action...