Monday, December 30, 2013

making decisions / making changes

New year's coming. With it, people tend to make decisions and plans: some wan to get a better job; others want to get a boyfriend / girlfriend; some want to travel; others want to see this or that; and the never ending list of what people want alwyas pop up in the New Year's time.
Some people write their plans down. Others keep them in their inds and hearts, as I do, like if it were some kind of praying they kept repeating with their whole hearts.
I am not going to type down about my plans. Seems this is the year for some people to start planning their New Coming Year's movements. It's the same for me. I am not looking any of the entries of the previous New Years' eves. If I have ever said that I was planning anything for the coming years, I would have been lying. This is the first year that I am planning something. And by planning, I am writing about something that when December started, I have decided and that I have started even before the month has begun.
A few entries ago, I have also tyoed about some changes: I was getting rid of some ld clothes and donating them for the charity containers, tha,ll be distributed for people wo need those clothes that I no longer wear (now I ask why for charity, when I hate 90% of the human kind? I truly hate people and this hate is a blessing that I have been getting in the last couple of years. And about the remaining 10%... I just tolerate them. I think that I only like / love 1% of the human beings). I got rid of some old letters and kept the meaningful ones. I also got rid of some old stuff that I have had n my bedroom. Now the change that I need to do, is moving the furniture from it's place to new ones. It can also be the old places where it were before. But it's changing anyways. The wicked-motherfucking-furniture is in the same place for years now. My bedrroms needs a new look and it might be the changing that'll unlock my motivation and my will.
I also have had doubts about those social networks. Facebook. Twitter. My blogs. I wanted to delete all the stuffs, except the blogs, and to start new ones. It will happen in the due time. I'll just keep a certain Alt account. I'll keep my blogs, but I'll move The Chronicles Of The Victim to the new Google account. Or I'll evolve it out of that old blog.
The decision is made: blogs, tumblr, facebook, twitter and the shitty-sparkling thingies of digital life will get deleted or moved along.
Changes... they include so much more than one can think or dream off.

So there is so much to be done in 2014. So move your skinny ass, Bruno, and run... run for your life, because the end is near!

I've survived

I've survived!
While walking the cold dark streets, I was thinking about this.
I've survived!
What have I survived to?

  1. I have survived to the death of dearest people of mine. People that I have never thought I could live any further without;
  2. I have survived to the death of pets;
  3. I have survived to the streets and its' thugs;
  4. I have survived to bad companies and I have survived to the separation of the most dearest people and friends;
  5. I have surived to the death of some friends: some were old enough to be my grandparents, others could be my brothers;
  6. I have survived to disease;
  7. I have survived to depression, self-hate and self-esteem. I have survived to long hours of planning to what my suicide and to what my funeral would be like;
  8. I have survived to the destruction of my soul;
  9. I have to way too many things.
The list keeps going. The list is way bigger and I have always been like cats: I have multiple lifes and I have wasted quite a few of them. I have always fallen on my feet, no matter how harsh the hit has been.
Some people might ask me: "how do you see your life?". Times ago, I wold reply something cheap like: "a terrible thing" but nowadays I would reply to them something like this: "I see life like a game, where you have multiple lifes. When you die, in the screen, right in fron of your eyes, you'll have the mytical phrase: 'game over'. It is allowed to try, to test different ways or paths, but you have to be aware of the limit time you have to play the game. But it's a game, nothing more than a game!".
I've survived as a goth between thugs and chavs. I've conquered some friendships and some respects. In some cases, I've only earned a bit of those people's respect. And it is something good.
It feels good to walk the streets at night and where people, like my mum, see reasons to be affraid of, I see people who respect me and who I respect and that I feel quite honored to greet and to be greeted by. I see people that might take my back and protect me, as if we were born from the same womb.
I've survived to way too many things, but in some points, I'm still testing my luck. Seems that I haven't had enough, but I did. I really did!
I am now just typing. Checking some of social networks. Listening to music. I have other things to do and although some of them might be done tonight, others will have to wait.
I've survived to life. I have been living it at it's fullest. But I want and I need much more. And that's what I'm working to get. I have to go to sleep, but there's still a bit more that I want to type. Now that I've started, I'll try not to get lost.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Writing

It turns out hard to write! It turns out hard to write poetry, stories or whatever I want to write!

Last night, I've started to type a short story and after two pages it got deleted! I will not go further on details, names, dates, but yep, this happens! Yep, it has happened: the short story has been triggered by a message on Facebook and I've go throught that thinking about people. It would be a rude, dirty, kinky story and I have started to think that I would have to change the whole concept of it, so that lots of blood and torture could be included! But nah... It got deleted!

In my poetry, I also write about people! I write about events, without great details! I write about life! The more important is to live and only then to write: without living, I wouldn't have anything to write about! If I went to write about my feelings only, it would be a neverending weeping-bible and that's not the point... that's not my point at all!

It's time to end up here... one hour has gone by and I haven't been able to do much, except to spend the money!

It turns out hard to write, when your mind is filled with many other things! When people are annoying you, you can always kill them in your stories. When people are too fussy, you can rape them in your stories. You can do whatever you want to them, like I do!

And someday, you might even read my dedicatory for all of you... Maybe!


Friday, December 20, 2013

Daywalk In The Woods

I have mentioned in the previous post that I have had things to do in the morning. Alongside with the sleepless night, foccused in other stuffs, I have gone for a walk after I have got all the things done. This walk has been very different of the ones I am used to do. I have had the chance to go for a walk in royal woods. According to what I have read in the message's board, with the info about that place, one of the Portuguese queens ordered that a wall was built around the woods. In the middle, there's a clearing. Lots of paths. Lots of trees. Peace. Quiet. Humidity.
Someday, with paper and colouring materials, I could definitely give a tr on going there and sitting somewhere in the woods, painting. Or I could grab my notebooks and my pens and I cold sit down there, writing. Letting the things go with the flow. Maybe my writings could get anything different, than what they get from the night and day views of my city. Maybe, even highed, my thoughts would be different from the inner of the woods.
There's only one bad thing about doing such walks (and believe me when I sa it has been a long, long walk): my feet are killing me! They hurt, aswell my waist / hips hurt! I am feeling like an old man, but not like some of the old men jogging there!

Neurotic (Christmas is coming!)

I haven't slept last night. I have had things to do this morning and as I was fearing to keep sleeping, I have prefered to stay awake, doing other stuffs. I am almost fainting with the need of sleep. I am tired. I have walked a lot. But this... well, about walkings and other stuffs, I think I'll let them be for later on. Maybe to the next entry.
I am feeling neurotic, like I always feel when Christmas is too close. I thought that I wouldn't type about this. I also have decided to avoid thinking about this. But the fact is that all this fucking Christmas thing is annoying me pretty much.
Christmas is supposed to be the family's eve and I don't have much of what I can call of a family. My father died in 1997 (do the maths and you'll be able to reach there). After his death, "his" family entered in a war with my mother. It isn't necessary to say that this has driven us to walk different and separate paths. The only family that I have considered as mine, has been my family of my mother's side. Grandmum and granddad, who have died too, by now. My family is left to 3 people: me, mum and aunt. All the others... well, I do speak to my father's family nowadays, but they're nothing but strangers to me. The few remaining people from my granma's side (mum's mum), they're too old and I don't feel s comfortable around them and their decadence. The typical decadence of elderly. Others are too far or I am not that close to them. From grandpa's side... they're literally shit and beng dead or alive... it's all the same for me.
Christmas is also the season of hypocrisy. People hate each others during the whole fucking year and when Christmas arrives, they're all friends. They pass by and smie to eah others, hiding the knives behind their back. After Christmas, they start stabbing each others' in the back again.
I am neurotic. Due to the lack of sleep. Due to my thoughts. Due to all this crappy eve and I am so looking forward all this is finally over. Then everyone get back to the normal and my neurosis can calm down a little bit. But just a little bit. I am neurotic most of the time, although I can hide it very well (and, in the other hand, maybe not!).
The good thing about this sleepless night. The good thing about all the nights that I have spent awaken, doing other stuffs, seing other stuffs, is that it has allowed me to practice my plans mentaly. There are stuffs that I want to do. They are necessary for me. And I got t say that after seing the comercial a new series that's about t bein, where a serial killer had various and many websites, blogs, forums... that calms me down a little bit. It makes me feel more normal, althought it puts me at the level of a serial killer.
I am neurotic. Christmas isn't helping. But since I keep creating and gping after all the plans I want and need to develop... it's all good!
And don't worry, people. My plan doesn't include start to kill people massively (althou in my beliefs, the world would be much better without human beings!)

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Christmas and New Year's eve / Sex and Creation

Typing or writing hasn't been an easy thing. I think that in my previous posts I have left this way clear. But still I try. Still I struggle and fight to get all the things done. He I am, in the end of the afternoon, typing in a bare empty cafe. Not the cafe where I usually go, so that I can ensure to be left quiet and alone.
I have felt sad. Strangely melancholic.
There are pointless and useless topics to type about. I have writen a phrase and it has been deleted right away. People don't need t know eveything about my life. And it can be applied to some people in my life, who tend to ask me to help them with quests I am not really into. Then they realise they won't be getting my hand on those errands, so them use other people to pressure and to, in a last instance, to embarrass me. It's ok. It's everything ok.
Christmas is coming. In a week, it'll be the day of the year I hate the most. I haven't writen or typed about this yet. I've even avoided to think about that, but it's coming. And it can go to the hell with itself. Burn down all Christmas trees and make all those lamps to explode. Fireworks it is. Fireworks they could be. My mother insists on setting up the tree, while my cat keeps pulling down the balls. He has bite the lamps wire, so they don't work now. *good kitty ^^* I want this week to pass fast. I want these holidays to end soon.
New year's eve is something I completely despise too. It is just another day for me. Nothing special and something that I don't celebrate. I usually spend it at home woth my mother and with my aunt. Every single year I get invited to celebrate it with my friends and every single year I do refuse the offers. Some people have their lovers to spend this day with. I refuse love(rs) too. Bring on the sex and leave love aside. No feelings involved mean the safety of my wicked mind and of my twisted heart.
I have Enigme back to one of my mobiles. I have been listening to their songs. I also have been wacthing some stuffs that I have downloaded to my mobile. Ideas for my porns / eroticas keep blowing withing my mind. Elias keep speaking and he has shown me a certain episode. It would work and suit well a short story, while I don't type the novel.
It goes...
It keeps going...
I am on The Alterium. There, I have seen lots of alternative men and ladies. Naked men and ladies all around. Some sexy. Others not so sexy. But people are friendly (or most of them). I got to say that at the age of 26, I should have grown up a bit more. Maybe i shouldn,t look at alternative men as the top "candies". Men in long hair or with rastas, in alternative styles... they make my dreams sweeter and the hardcore can suit them well too. Maybe they're fallen angels. Maybe they're the demons that I am looking forward to be again.
I miss... I miss wearing all in black, with spiked bracelet and black make-up. What I miss the most is covering the lines of my eyes wit the black eye-liner. I miss my dark look, although my heart has never really left the dark side. I still dream of them, big bodybuilders on a goth or punk look. Cops that turn onto goth angels / demons after dark.
My heart is in flames. My heart is a huge bonfire. Nothing burns so much lke my heart nor my soul. Not even the soul. Within me, there's a huge universe, awaitng to be explored. There are stories from the past. The present day includes spaceships and flying cars. The present day includes, maybe, other planets.
My words aren't clear at this moment. I feel that I am no longer able to write the beautiful things that once I've writen.
I am wanting to draw again. I am wanting to read a bit more. I am wanting to d so many things and I am doing nothing at all.
Christmas and New Year are coming. They can go fuck themselves.
My wishes for 2014? Maybe the same as all the previous ones: t mprove and change my life. But now, I want to do what it takes' instead of looking forward the Heaven to send them along to kock a my house's door.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Days without typing

Days without typing. Days without proper writing.
Last night, I've writen a couple more of poems. I am honestly doubting of the quality of my verses. I am honestly wishing to publish them.
Days without typing and my mind goes blank when I sit in front of the tablet. When I am at home, without Internet connection, it seems way easier to think about something that I could write. Then in front of the paper or in front of the tablet, it all vanishes away.
Days without typing and it seems so wicked and twisted this way.  Wish I could go back to painting and drawing, with the security that I used to feel in times. But it seems impossible now.
Days without typing or writing. Days without being able to le my soul flow.
Good afternoon!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Mental Status: too highed for his own security!


Where in this world?
I've always thought an seriously imagined that when we've reached the adult age, there would be some kind of sign. Something truly markable.
In the other day, I have realised that I am seriously a 26 years old man, mentally aged 15 and acting a bit alike that. Could have this been my own sign?
I am in the cafe, but this is not comfortable to write. Maybe because there are too many familiar or friendly faces around. Maybe because I'm highed. Maybe not.
I was in the right path. I have chosen to do the right thing. My heart was filled with good and honest intentions. And there gone the good intentions down the toilet yesterday in the afternoon. I choose. I mistake. Mea Culpa
I am nothing. I have chosen to be nothing. I have chosen to act like that. Now I want to change no one truly believes me! Mea culpa
Making much more sense to shut up, to lock my-fucking-self up at home, not allowing myself to see anyone, nor anyone to see me. It's my fault, I shall punish myself nd keep working on the changes.
Kneel. Close your eyes. Say it to yourself and start believing: "you're nothing, you'll never be anythingnand will never ever get anything, unless you get your fucking sorry ass up and go for it. Start working and working the mind for the changes. Start changing and changing the mind for sucess. It only depends on you. GO. RUN FOR YOUR SHITTY LIFE. MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS". Listen to those whispers becoming yells within your mental life. Do the changes there, so the changes are made out here. Stop being a simple viewer / spectator of this life and start creating a new one. It's for you. It's for me. For all those in our situation.
Call me. Don't do it. Speak to me in the streets or turn your face aside. See cars passing by or dare yourself to lose the fear of that comfortable place and be inside of one of them. See the moon in the city's sky or look down, allowing to chances to run away.
My mind is travelling.
My mind is close and far enough.
Time is pasing by and an urge to go home hits my soul.
"5 more minutes..." always turn onto endless hours lost...
Time to go. To shave my big beard and take a truly relaxing and warm shower. To let bad thoughts to go away with the water.

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Social utilities, hook up, blogging and ideas...

I have been looking forward some way to type or write down. In the last few days, all I have been able to do was to try to write in my notebooks and pass the pen over what I have previously writen. Today, I have been at my aunt's house and I have spent the whole afternoon checking my Facebook, my Twitter , my Tumblr (where I have posted a few things, but they haven't been exactly what I was looking forward) and some other online stuffs. I have closed one social utility that was simply consuming my time, without a reason to. It was a website to meet people and I wasn't really interest on meeting anyone. It was just to see what was going on the single people's world.

I have typed about closing my blogs. starting them all over, from the very beggining. I wouldn't be deleting any of my blogs, but they would be "abandoned". I would leave my old thoughts, with all the mistakes and all the longings, desires, hopes, melancholies. People would be able to see where did I came from and where I was at. But it is not the right time. Not yet. I still need to work a bit more on me, on myself, on getting my life in the right track.

Lately, I have been reading my friend Elizabete's blog. She has been writing about The Man. The Man that she has been meeting in the last couple months, who she's been going out with, The Man that she is slowly entering in a relationship with. I think that despite she has been thinking on getting her relationship with him done and finished, she's starting to fall in love with him. Slowly... very slowly... and I think that she has no idea about that yet (if you're reading this, excuse me, but that's what I am seing).
She shared an image with me on Facebook. "It's fucked up to depend on people", it said. And that is exactly why I do not give a try on that. That's also the reason why I am not into having someone on a regular basis. Because this is the way love can strikes us in it's worst shape: it can drives us nuts, makes us put our defenses down, driving us completely helpless on where to move.

In the last few days, I haven't been able to type. Like I have mentioned, I have been looking forward the inspiration and I've been looking forward the enthusiasm. My childish enthusiasm will never be back. It'll never ever be like before.

I have also used the websites where I am on to see people.
I see other people, dressed or naked and I fantasize what it would be like to be like them. I fantasize what it would be like to live one life like their's. And it's always just a fantasy. Social hook up websites, websites for alternative lifestyles and the incredibly huge list can serve the single purpose to see and fantaszie. Then I regret and I get such accounts deleted until the day the I return there.

It's incredible how days and days of a mental and inspirational block can end up just like this, due to a few hours at a friend's house, listening to music and working in our prides, like one blog.
I'll be gone soon...
I'll be walking the night streets soon.
It's cold outside and hours don't stop.
It is almost time to leave and to get home to keep writing. Wishing that such inspiration keeps, until I get my notebook in my hands, so that I can write my poems...

That's it... and I am pretty satisfied...
I am happy that I've been able to write this much...