Thursday, December 18, 2008
Sometimes, I feel like dead crazy. I feel I will never own someone for my own, I feel I will die alone and that kinda things scares me. But I feel like lost, as I can not imagine my life nex to anyone, I can not imagine my life being shared with any other person. I ca not accept I really need anyone to share good things, to have someone to share my opinion and my visions with. I can not accept I will end up alone, so what's the point? What's the matter? Why do I feel so confused in this kinda stupid things? Why do I feel so confused about things?
Back to somewhere or to nowhere, I don't really know, what's the matter of feeling, if I can not do it right? Always sad and depressed and melancholic and happy and so many shits... Never in the same mood and it's not always good...
Maybe I can not realise and I am jst giving up... Giving up of my art. Giving up of my blogs (at least, the one in Portuguese). Giving up of everything.
Let's see what will come soon...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I live in an apartment and I own one cat and, more recently, a little dog. Till the moment, all could be fine, if it wasn't the cat scratching the dog, the dog barking, pissing and shitting all over and my mother making some comments making me feel like guilty for all the shits involved in her life. I clean shit and piss, I try to raise the dog, to teach him, but he barks and bites me, like I was a huge bone. Sometimes, I feel like he was anger against me.
I feel like in a spiral of madness... Falling, falling... And it've been only the first two days of the dog in the house. I feel too tired to do anything else. I just can't wait to lay down and to sleep, to rest, for the next three hours, before going to my job to face 9 more hours of work. I feel like I was going to explode and to implode at the same time. I need freedom... I need music, like the one of Karunesh titled "For The Joy Of It All". I wish I was in a beach, with a fire, with lots of people playing some instruments, like djambés and other kinds of, for me to sing and dance around the fire. I really need freedom... I wish I was with a hot man in a jeep, being driven to the night, to a night like this, for my own pleasure and delight, for kissing, for sex, or just for a simple hug next to a fireplace somewhere. Even if it was only a simple hug, I would be so fine now. Only us, the night, the sea and the silence!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
GO FUCK YOURSELVES, NARROW MINDED PEOPLE, WHO WERE JUST TOO AFFRAID OF BREAKING LIMITS AND ARE NOW CRITICISING THE OTHERS FOR BREAKING THEIR OWN LIMITS, FOR MAKING RADICAL CHOICES AND BEING REBELS! F´GO FUCK YOURSLEVES, TOKIO HOTEL FANS WHO ARE SOOOO RADICAL AND REBEL CAUSE THEY GO HOME AT MIDNIGHT. GO FUCK YOURSELVES WHO FOLLOW A STLE JUST BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS THINK IT'S COOL! GO FUCK YOURSELF NO ORIGINAL OPINATED PEOPLE, WHO USE WHAT OTHERS DREAM OR SAY TO REACH A POINT OF LACK OF IMAGINATION! GO FUCK YOU ALL!!
*Zen* I'm feeling really zen right now, inside my "nirvana brained path", that makes me feel so light, I feel I'm in the clouds!
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Saturday, December 06, 2008
In the past few days, I've been realising a few stuffs. In my job, when that damned caffé is almost empty and when I don't have anyone calling me, I can sit somewhere and think for a while! I think on how my life changed, I think on how things are right now, I think on what my life became! I felt from the beggining I was becoming a society lamb, doing all pretty and nice, but I was wrong. I could upset a few thugs in a caffé a few nights ago, just because I was talkin about pubic hairs! That was funny!
Today, a couple hours ago, I met my friends C. and S. in the railway station, they just arrived from a mall in Lisbon and Claudia started fighting her boyfriend by phone and me and Samuel had been listening a couple songs in my mp3 and talking. I commented with hi that last night, I was highed and that a friend of mine said I was a mix of gothic with hippie and I realise it might be true, and Samuel said I have my own style, like I had a registered trademark sybol in my arm! It was nice!
I always feel free in my day off!
I got highed when I was hanging around Lisbon during the afternoon and when I was in the train, on my way home, I woke up in Barcarena and the train was doing such a weird noise. Suddendly it stop and as I was highed, I felt like the train engine was turned off and the train was just letting go, in freedom, with the wind... I felt like the train lights were off and there was nobody in the train, but me... The whole train got involved by a soft blueish lighted tunnel. I was the feeling of freedom for me and I all I wished in that moment was that the whole world could fell so happy and s free like me in that moment!
Peace... Freedom... Happiness... Self-understanding... (maybe) Love... Believing in myself... That's all I mourn for!
Listening to ERA's "Mother" song, I feel so peaceful and comfortable... I feel so highed and so heavy... I feel light at the same time... I feel like I could fly... I feel like I was being dragging down... I feel so many ways, I almost can't describe it!
I need to try to understand myself, I need to try to be happy, I need to try to do more than I really do! I am trying, I really am, but how can I be happy, if sadness is my nature?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I'm back home... Despite my mother and my aunt are here in the livng room, I still feel alone... I see them like shadows... I feel them like ghosts in the same place than I am now... I am with one music from Karunesh playing on youtube, which is named of gothic and it has some arabic sounds, but it's a new age kinda music, but such a relaxing one. I feel like the music is invading every kind of flesh, every vein, every muscle and I wish to move my body through the night... There's something missing in me since I am born, but I've never found out what. These kinda songs, makes me wanna dance with it's rythm, dance with the moonlight entering through the fragil glass of the window, make me wish to take all my clothes off and dnce with the wind... I feel the city calling for me and I wish I could reply to it's appeal, but it's completely impossible now... My body is too tired to do any of these things. I wanna go to my bed and lay down on it, for the very first time for a long, long time. My room was messed up, all kinda of shits around the ground and over my bed, I've been sleeping in the couch... Tonight, I'll lay down in my bed... I am a bit curious of how will it sound... Will you, my ghosts, come to haunt me tonight? Will my latest desire of having someone for me haunt my mind and tun into a night mare? How will it feel to lay down in that empty bed tonight?
I wish I could pay to see before going ahead, but I can't... At the same time, I'm anxious to try it, to feel that comfortable bed, to feel my body alone there, relaxing in every breath, relaxing in any second passing by... I think so much of Elizabeth, my greek friend, my greek goddess lately, I imagine what is she doing now, what is she feeling, what is thinking... Is she sleeping? Is she writing as a mad, once again? Is she talking to someone flowers in any garden in Athens?
The bight out there and my bed in here are calling and it's a crazy feeling... It's like being a balloon... In one hand, I'm rising in the air, with the sky, with freedom so close, byt in the other hand, I am being pulled by a tiny rope in a child's hand... Tonight, I'll taste my bed... Karunesh will play one last time, I'll will dance in my inner world, as the sexy female dancer in the kingdom and as the king in the throne... I will be the man who lays down in the King's bed, naked, feeling the satin, and the king laid over him, possessing him... I will be so many things tonight and maybe, I'll be nothing!!
The night is calling me... The sleep is taking me away... The silver star light shinning and the moon brlliant path are there, if anything goes wrong...
Saturday, November 22, 2008
No longer seems the best "description" for what things are and used to be! No longer...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Sometimes, like right now, I wonder why do I write on those blogs, when nobody will ever see ot. Nobody will ever read my words, nobody will ever try to understand them, nobody will ever stop for a while to read. I also wonder why do I "fight" so much in a job, when the best they are, they don't pay me what they're owing me. I wonder...
I just came from the caffe I've been at with some of my friends till a few minutes ago and I felt like I was going to fall in the ground I felt too sick, too dizy, with my body boiling. I laid in my friend's legs, with the eyes closed, like I was dead. In my mp3, Amália Rodrigues was singing a song called "Canzone Per Te", an Italian song she used to love and she sings it very well. I am missing something... I am in the middle of a confusing status, like feeling sad an happy at the same time and that's really freaking me out. I was feeling like I was dying but despite it make me feel scared, that brought me too much peace. Strangely it was peace I was feeling for dying in a caffe, in the middle of friends. But it's stupid, I am feeling so happy, so joyful, that I shouldn't feel that way, I shouldn't feel that peace.
Night ended up when I cam home, walking with some friends through the streets, with the cold breeze of this night, which seem to going to cut my flesh and freeze my bones till they get more frail than porcelain. I am fine... I am crazy... I am in the middle of sadness, the real reason of my existance. Maybe, that's the Fate I have to follow till the end. Maybe that's the reason I am here, to become famous thanks to my sad way of being, to the sadness I pass to all my works. Maybe... Maybe... Too many maybes for a pssing by time, with no turning back.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
I am a 21 years old guy and I miss my 17 years old time. I look at those 17, 18 and 19th aged boys and I still miss those times, but then I recall I was in the middle of a deep depression at the time. I remeber I was drinking too much then, drugging myself with pills, cutting myself, doing everything to destroy myself... Almost killing myself with no one noticing those disgraces around... The fires of an artist soul are the most destructive and builters of the most beautiful pieces of our lives, but what that worths, if the artist always "burns" himself? I am the burnt artist, the one who«'s no longer being able to create his wonderful pieces, the one who's missing something to create... I miss the times I had long weeks of insomnia just to paint a single paper with my childish styled drawings... I miss so much and I am trying toi chase all that back and there's nothing coming back to me. I am to tired to lift my arms up and fight. I am laying my head down in my coffin and trying to rest, but even my heart doesn't stop beating, my lungs doesn't stop breathing, my voice doesn't shuts the fuck up... I am all messed up, I am going insane and maybe that's what will bring all that I am longing for back... Maybe... who knows?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I feel like I had crashed against a wall in HIGH speed, cause I feel a huge pain in my body, thanks to a night with sleeping... My head hurts, my eyes are heavy... Amália sings "Cantiga de Amigo" (Friend's Song), with a sad expression in her voice... Amália is just the perfection in the planet, though she already died 9 years ago. I feel a strange connection to that lady, I feel like I am looking into a mirror, when I see her sad pictures, when I listen to her songs... I feel like I am something which wasn't supposed to be born... I must be a mistake of Destiny...
I am so empty inside, feeling so sad, so painfully sad... I need to get something I cannot explain what it is, cause I don't even know what it is. Maybe I am just wrong... Maybe I am too right, when I think this way... I need to be gone! I need to disappear, vanish in the air... I need...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Now back to this damned city, I am looking for a job and I feel a little headache at this moment... Sometimes, I find myself listening to some pop musics, like t.A.T.u. and just loving it. Well, I must confess I love t.A.T.u., I love lesbians... They're really cute and sweet and I guess it's one of the purest loves I see on people. Right now, it's playing on my mp3 the song "30 Minutes", the extended version and I can not listen to the rest of the cyber caffé. I need some peace to write, to think, only me, my soul and I. And the music helps me to shut off from the people around me... People annoy me more and more. There are some exceptions, but mostly they make crazy, wishing to put a bomb in the room I am at with them and make it explode...
Now, I really need this damned job... That's all I talk about everyday: job, job, job... I need to get my internet activated again, I need to make my life with internet for my own again, to do everything I need, to watch some images, to check some porno though it bores me(*devilish ponderating, with a horny smile*), to play Shaiya, the RPG I was playing and get my Shaiyan friends back, to talk to them, to raise my characters, to make some killings, to reach my Shaiyan friends level, to contact some people, to get my people back... Everything I like and deserving for have been such a good boy till my 13 years old! *lol* Anyway, all that will be solved soon, I hope, and I really need to "fix my life", to go ahead with what I started... Maybe good news will come soon... :)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
All I know right now, is that I need to return home, to get a job and pay my bills, face the life, face the world and follow my dreams. This year, I have had a "waking-up-day", a will to weep and tear the world with all of my inner soul! I need to go, to move on!!
When I get my internet back, I will write more and better on this sde of my blogs, the Universal one! See you soon... I hope!!
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Tomorrow! Tomorrow I am going to my grand dad's house, to see him for a few days and I feel happy with the idea. I am anxious for the trip. A trip of three hours in a train and the idea of not smoking during all those three hours is just frightening me, but to see my gran dad, I would spend all my life suffering, just to reach to him! HE REALLY IS THE MAN OF MY LIFE, THE ONE AND ONLY LOVE I HAVE EVER HAD! My love and my passion! He his my life, my lungs, my blood, my fortress, my sword, my helmet, my smile, the shine in my eyes! He's everything for me! He and the little tiny village where he lives at! Those are my passions! Those are my smiles! Those are my madness and my sanity! Those are my loves! And I am leaving a shitty city for a few weeks, just to be near to them!
I wanna make all this strange feeling get out of my soul and of my chest... I feel like I was going to explode! I wanna throw it all away! I wanna feel happy for once! I want so many things!
Friday, August 01, 2008
Here's one music that might please my dear and beloved E.. She like this band, Madredeus! And it has the subtitles in English, so people can understand what is said by the singer of my country!
It's my birthday today and my diary has somethings settled in it with my moanings... I am not in the right mood of moaning on that for the third time... Just the music that I love.
My birthday was always a torture... As a kid, I used to hide under the table and yell when people used to sing me happy birthday... I don't even want to remeber... I will live my day like a normal day, try to forget that it's the damned birthday of mine...
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
I am feeling dizzy with lots of things going by in my life lately. I've been transfered from the restaurant in Algés to the one in Massamá, I was feeling happy and OK, but now it seems I fell down once again. My happiness and joy lasts few days and I feel in the usual sad or melancholic mood, trying to find myself. The manager of the restaurant I work at says I am a fake gothic, because I laugh quite a lot, I am nice and cool manered, easy going and to deal with. She don't really knows me, that's the truth... But lately, I've been an actor around Life... A very good actor!!
Tonight, I am not feeling exactly well to write, but lately I just write on MSN and on my notebook to take the costumers requests... Dammit!! I need to go back to what I was, even that use to destroy me... I need to be me again!
Friday, June 06, 2008
... Nowhere to run from here! This is what is going on my mind now. But it's enough of running away from everything which is new, everything which seems to scary for me to face. I need to earn some strenght to fight all those fears and phobias. I really do! Anyway, I am not running, I will stanbd to face everything around me. I am so far from what I have been and so far from what I still will be.
Anyway, after posting this picture, I just stood for a little while of two or three seconds staring at it and I think this is one of my best pictures, though for some so-said-normal-people it may seem weird or even awful. I am what I am, may you like it or hate it. I really need to see that when I look in the mirror, someone who likes himself, gay, straight, gothic, punk, thug, happy, sad, live, dead... I feel happy when I wear that way, when I live like I feel comfortable.
I have so many things to think about and nowhere to run or hide. Stupid words, I don't need to run or to hide, I need to face it and all of them, all of those who thinks I am awful when I am maked-up, with my gothic-like-clothing, or when I am just dirty, or something. I am what I am, may you like it or not. Look well at me and try to guess if I care you like me, my dressing style, or not...
For all those people who are always trying to help me, thank you so much for standing all those things and for caring. I LOVE YOU ALL AND I LOVE YOU TOO, R., THOUGH NOW, IT'S ME TRYING TO PROTECT YOU! THANKS EVERYONE FOR COMING UP ON MY LIFE AND FOR BEING MY ANGELS!
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Well, that lady was a friend of mine and about one month ago, she almost set fire at her house, trying to kill herself, so I wonder what happened... Have her killed herself? And those things always affect me more than I would like... Damn!! I know that Death will come for all of us, but it's hard to see people we love departing, without saying a simple goodbye... I am human and not a machine, the more I want to get stronger... Well, I really get stronger, but I stay as sensitive as I have always been...
I walked the streets alone and I found Shizuka(L.) at her store, and through her, I found out that one child of 9 years old died, as well. Then, I went through a café to meet my friend Sofia and Vinicios her boyfriend and Sofia told me that her grand mother died in the hospital... What the fuck of day was this? Was it the Worldwide day of Death and I didn't know about it?! I am numb... I try to find what means all this wave of emptiness in my soul... Amália Rodrigues saves me from suicide, but I am one step closer from suicide and if I decide to go on, no one will ever be able to stop me... I am flying in a mist of emptiness and sadness, though they fullfill each other... And things aren't that easy!! I'll sink my mind on my job and on my art, in order to not make something stupid!!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
I try not to complain anymore, but it's impossible not feeling down some times... God, I want to be gone!!! But I am here and I will fight till the end!!!!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
By day I sleep, at night I weep!
O Death, come near me!
Be the one for me, be the one who stays.
My rivers are frozen, and mischosen,
and the shadows around me sickens my heart.
O Death, come near me,
and stay (by my side). Hear my silent cry!
In sadness I'm veiled, to the cross I am nailed,
and the pain around me freezes my world.
My cold world...
In life I've failed,
for years I've wailed.
Frozen in time... left behind...
The rapture of grief is all to find...
The rapture of grief is all!
Behind the shadow of life the lost hopes are grieving.
I seek the night and hope to find love...
So I drown in the silence of lifes short eternity.
The tears fills the void in my heart astray...
Embrace me now, delightful ease!
Give me a world of wonderous peace!
Calm the desperate scream in my heart!
O Death, come near me,
save me from this empty, cold world!
O Life, you have killed me,
so spare me from this couldron of misery!
In life I cry, away I fly...
Chosen to fall within these walls.
The rapture of grief is all!
Oh, shed a tear for the loss of innocense,
for the forsaken spirits who aches... in us.
Cry for the heart who surrenders to pain,
for the solitude of those left behind!
Behold the pain and sorrow of the world,
dream of a place away from this nightmare.
Give us love and unity, under the heart of night.
O Death, come near us, and give us life!
I this world of pain I am better of dead!
Give me love, or give me... death!
O Death, come near me!
I have summoned you!
After this lyric, I suppose I can't say anything more beauty than this!!! I'll continue listening this song and believe in this words, like my Bible!!!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Checking the hi5 of a friend of mine (without more details), I found your girlfriend's hi5 account and there you were, with your fake-goth-pose, with your fake-goth-girl-pose, in a la-la-dreaming of gothic fairytale. Who the hell you think you are?! Damn, why don't you leave for ever?! Why do your ghost-screaming keep taking my sanity away, while you haunt their memories? I don't remember you, until I see a nearly-gone trace of you... Bastard, die... Bastard, go away... Bastard, you're nothing... Why do I even care?! Goddammit, this is the last time I waste anything with you... I hope...