Friday, November 30, 2012


...things aren't what they're looking like!

"Oh! He's lying..."

No, I am not lying; I am just hiding certain truths from certain people! Not everyone deserves to know some stuffs, others don't deserve to know other stuffs!

Oh... And people wait to know the good news and they're not popping out! The good news are not popping out!

Oh... And it rains and I let my secrets go away with the rains: hoping for a bit of the sea, but it's been impossible to be in the beach. I want to fly away and let my secrets vanish, to turn into dust, into ashes taken by the wind... More than never, I am feeling with a sword over my chest! More than ever before, I am feeling like the secrets were cracking and like if they were about to fell down over my head!

No one knows what's going within my mind, when I am laughing looking the far horizon! No one knows what I am feeling, when I am crying out loud (no one can see my tears). No one seems to care if things are OK: people do ask, but they seem to not really care!

Oh... I am thinking about other stuffs... And oh!... people aren't allowed to feel anything for me!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

And here comes...

...what I do feel and what I am! I have shared this song and the lyrics, a few months ago! This song is quite too much of what I truly am! This song is quite too much of my soul... Being crazy and insane, trying to simply being ourselves, walking up and down the streets, feeling our lovers' arms around us, but people still not understanding and not caring to try to understand! Especially our lovers, that should be the first ones to care to try to understand us, that should try to make us feel the most comfortable as possible, when we're being insane!
Here comes my soul... And here comes my soul begging for more songs like this... Begging for the creation to never stop being such a pleasure...
Loca... loca, loca, loca... :)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Wicked Hearing Aid

That wicked thing that I have to use to help me to listen, started "acting up". It seemed to be filtering the sounds, then it filtered simply the voices and when I did spoke a bit louder, it gone dead. I made the man of the store laugh when I said that I am not used to be a deaf anymore. I'm not completely deaf, but still listened very bad. The sounds were gone... some of the most ordinary sounds, like the cars' tires being scratched by the road, the rain in the umbrella or in the window... Some sounds that people doesn't realise anymore, as they're used to them or some of those people doesn't care about those sounds. I have gone to see what's wrong and I have been warned that it might be water bubbles, due to humidity, cold weather, hot air inside malls, cafés, etc. The next time this happens, I have to turn the hearing aid off, take it off and hit it... softly... poor me, needing to be violent to anyone or anything!

My mood isn't any better... it goes from bad, to better, to worse and even worse. This kinda things don't help at all, but oh well!! I need to keep living... or surviving at least... so my joints do help to think less and, sometimes, to act more!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Here comes another week

knowing that there's nothing too much which's going to change! I do know that, although Sundays are bored, I am getting a week full of nothingness! I am trying to get people to chat/text with, but it seems a hard task. I am trying to allow time to pass faster until the Christmas week (and it's not due to Christmas), but it's an impossible task, unlçess I get distracted with pleasant thing in the meantimes!

Here comes another week of thinking a little bit too much: I will think in my mistakes, in the things that I have done wrongly, in the things that I should do and that I am not doing. But well, I cannot stop days from passing by: all i could do is to put an effort on the task to change things, but still not doing such thing.

Until when?

Sunday, November 25, 2012

One night out...

in a friend's birthday party! We've been in the middle of the fields, with a bonfire to warm up! The rain's started hitting hard and then we've moved to a place where the rain did not touched us, but it was cold! JR's 23rd birthday, so she deserved the presence of the people who were there, eventhough I didnt't liked some of them! Eventhough I didn't knew most of the people who were there!! But JR's deserved that I have decided to spend my night with her and her grilffriend! She deserved that I have taken this night to stay out and although my mum is truly pissed off at me today, JR deserved that I am now passing through this! She's been in my life for 5 or 6 years now and I have to be honest that I wouldn't expect that she would want my presence there: I like JR quite a lot, but I have never realised of how much she liked me. And that's a reason for me to feel happy: people come and go, but real friends come and never leave again, even if we're years or months witouth seing each others!


Saturday, November 24, 2012


withouth any special reason is the most precious! Typing just because you'd feel the urge to let things come out of your soul... singing just because the soul is singing... dancing with the wind, just because your soul feels like it... doing things without a single reason for doing them is the most precious way of doing things! And if you create as a soul saver, you'll know what I'm talking about!

Monday, November 19, 2012


It hits me quite often. Especially since we got into Autumn/Fall (depends on how you call this season). Sadness covers my face, clouds my eyes and thoughts. And you... Always you!

I have seen your car yesterday. I have seen T.'s car yesterday. MAybe you were both at P.'s house, something that i have thought across the night, as the sleep was not coming over. I wish I could care less about when I see anything related to you, but it seems to be an impossible task. I can not care less or even to be careless about you, your presence, your existance. I love you and I will always love. Whatever has happened between the two of us (or what hasn't even happened!) doesn't really matters, since I am sure and aware of this love, kinda obsession!

Sadness... It makes me see the most beautiful images, between the destruction! Feeling... Truly feeling... Allowing me to see in this Autumn/Fall scenery, beautiful images, making me create beautiful paintings in my mind. Allowing me to travel to unknow worlds (unknown to the others, as such realities belong to my own mind).

I finally managed to put the screen of my old computer to work. It takes me a few bounces on it, a few hits, but it works in the end. Finally, inserted Enigme in my mp3 again, what will allow me to create mentally and then, when my mind is about to burst, I can finally put my hands to work and start typing my ideas. What's always wrong with thi9s, is when I have to begin: I am not being lazy, but the begginings are always the hardest parts to be writen!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Raining Again

And raining hard! Left home without nan umbrella, because we was having a sunny afternoon and then, it started raining: first, a soft rain, then it started hitting hard! I have been in the café, bought rolling papers (I bet you can guess what I want such papers for), then thought: what if I kept the money that's left? I realised that I was wanting and needing to go to the Internet. Needing to type anything down! Needing to say something!!

It's raining again... The blue sky, turned into a grey/yellow mixture, as the sun was being "killed" by the clouds, then it turned completely grey. the rain hasn't waited mfor too long until it shows up! The rain has waited for too long, but it's been so good... Walking under the rain drops, feeling them hitting my face, leaving my clothes wet. It always worths the walk under the rain. I wish I ws in the beach, right now, with a playlist in my mobile that I would create for that purpose only, feeling the sea's words! The sea is a great healer for my wounds, but u8nfortunatelly, I can't go there and see him as much as I wanted to!

it's raining again... And it's only missing the sea... it's only missing a little bit of peace!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Nothing Changes, But The Action!

things simply keep going the way they have always been going: sadness, depression hits from times to times and the way I find to heal my mind is by gettin' truly high and pervert! I can touch myself, wank 20 times a day, see porn movies or pictures! I don't paint anymore... I do try to draw, from times to times, but the result doesn't suits me: I need to study a bit more! I write and I try to be as honest as possible, but still the result doesn't pleases me: I keep trying and, from times to times, I can get the result, get the idea turned into action, until I delete stuffs! Then I turn pervert: I don't have such a crazy sexual life as I have had previously, but I do still have crazy fantasies! What remains, is the interest:
men! Everything remains the same! My interests, my ideas, what has changed, has been the action!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Extremely Annoyed!!

Trying to type this damned entry for minutes and had it deleted. Blank Internet window (apart from all the buttons and all the links I can use) open, my mind swirling so fast, that I think I am being dragged to Hell: but no, Hell is right here, in this world, in this life! I have been sad and things truly end going from a simple sadness to a deep depression! Two months ago, cutted myself ago: lame, I know, for those who think it's just relted to emo styles, but things have had to be done this way. The 4 wounds lasted for a few days, then they turned into simple scars in my left arm. Brand new scars! Things are more than simple depression and more than simple annoying: there are days that I am terribly pissed off, almost willing I could hit someone to death (bring me one of those pedophiles I read about on newspapers and allow me to spend one hour with them. Then call the docs and the cops to carry the corpse out!). Others, I wish I ws walking around the streets and that a demented man was following me. I would lead him into the woods and rips his entrais inside out! but this is just my imagination working: I could work on many tortures to do some people that unplease me! Just dreaming... just fantasizing...

I am here, simply typing: just checked my facebook and my twitter! Checked my profile on and in one of the many gay-porn related twitter profiles that I am following, I saw one link leading to a video of a white man doing a blowjob to a black dude: in my right side, there's a young black man, who seems to be masturbating, while he checks the computer. his hand rubs his cock, up and down, from times to times, he puts it inside the pants. I don't need to stare at himm to understand and realise that. He seems not to be very worried about the fact that I might have understood! I would be pleased in normal situations... My dick is hard, as the "thing" pleases it, but my mind is annoyed! I am annoyed and my desire at this moment is to close my fist and hits the guy's dick and balls! He wouldn't be pleased, but I surely would end up more calm! I am not going to do this, I am simply ignoring the situation and let it go... Most of things in my life end up that way, I ignore them, it doesn't matters how much they please me, I turn my back and walk away! It is not that I am not going to fight for them, but it's the conscience I have of how impossible it is for me to make such dreams turn real at the exact moment!

Bought a new notebook... The last time that I have counted all the poems that I have typed, from the original handwriten files, I had over than 750 poems. I have writen way many more since then and I haven't typed all of them, so I do imagine all the hours in front of a computer typing them... Honestly? I am not worried: perhaps it would be such a terapeuthic thing, but I don't have any computer at home working now. and even here... I need to leave. Five minutes left...

Thursday, November 08, 2012

A Dream

The room is dark! The silence reigns and it's only broken by your breathing in my neck! I am naked in the bed and I did believed I was alone... I get up and go to the window. The bed is now empty. It was just a dream! I lighten up a cigarette and I let myself go in this madness of minutes!

Now, the night is chilling outside! Almost dinner time and I am fantasizing about a conversation that I am going to have in December: I do fantasize with fantastic options for that same conversation! I do fantasize with fantastic options for waht that man is going to say to me! I know that we don't really know each other, but still have some stuffs in common. He was the only person that I have thought about, when I have been in the hospital, two years ago. You? You are and you will always be my love! All the others? They'll be simple fantasies to me, that'll never work good enough, that'll never be good enough! And only you (and it's not you who are going to talk with me in about one month and a half!) could heal these wounds. Or at least, to help them not to hurt anymore!

Monday, November 05, 2012

Last Night's Song

While walking down the barely empty street, a certain song appeared in my mind! I started humming it, while I kept walking down the street! A cop, at a pharmacy's door, stared at me with mean eyes. An old man, stared me in a way that seemed he was going to kill me! My mood is not the best, but definitely, things are Ok! Maybe not mentally, nor spiritually, but physically things are better than ever before!

This song accompanied me all day long! I have had the need to come to the Internet, just to listen the music. my very old computer wrecked. And even if it were working, I could never read DVD's in my CD's reader. My laptop is still waiting to be fixed, what means that I can't extract the musics from my DVD's and this one is, for sure, inside those same and wicked DVD's!

My mood is not the best... My mood hasn't been the best for a few months, now! I imagine an Austrian garden, with it's woods surrounding me, falling leaves dance around me with the wind, while I straighten my jacket... In my ears, this song which haunted me, which haunts me since last night. Ahead, a few statues seem to stare me. The demon walks by side... He tempts me, but I ignore him! A bit more ahead, an angel... the same atitude from me! Nothing means nothing, when you're feeling nothing! Confusing? Maybe not!