Saturday, October 31, 2015

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Fetlife - wasting my time

It's night. I came from work not too long ago.
Sitting in the old couch of my old living / dining room, I have decided to check out my profile on that website. That is a good website to get some good eye candy, but for rare occasions to have good and decent conversations. It is kind of problematic to me, to get some good comversations with people.
From times to times, I text a message for a text service of chat. I leave my number there, in the hope someone comes along with a good conversation. I end up sex-ting. Rare are the men who come up with any other good conversation, without involving sexual traits. And those who do, always want to meet up, get boyfriends and the whole stack of ideas you might getting in your heads.
That website serves the nice purpose to see handsome men (I am not really into looking at the ladies, boobs and the rest of their bits). It also serves the purpose of getting to know different fetishes, people into them. And that is how I have been delighting my eyes, my mind. Wasting time looking at handsome and well built men.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

What am I writing about?

Do not allow me to forget where did I came from.
Let me destroy. Create. Destroy again. Re-create.
Do not allow me to forget who has been staying all this time. Do not allow me to forget those who simply left.
Good old times.
Good old looks.
Good old smiles.
Good old laughs.
Seek. Seek me in the park, laid in the land, smoking a cigarette. Seek me in the countryside, wondering the beauty of the mountain ahead. Seek me mourning the loss, the death, the forever gone passion. Seek me. Do not give up on me.
I am here, standing by you.
I feel... somewhat of something. Clear?
I am the footsteps in the darkness of the night.
I am the shadow at your window.
I am the nocturnal birds, crossing the sky of the city.
I am the prayer.
The light of the candle.
The spell you leave in the woods.
I am the forever embrace, the forever cold, the forever silence.
The moon stays up there.
The world changes.
You are there, seing the moon on your corner.
I am here. I've seen it's beauty while I walked to work, under the cold breeze of the night.
We're living life the way it pleases us the most. We're living life in a way that we can... well, afford. Dare to live it at it's fullest with the small income we have.
You, in your land.
Me, in mine.
We're ready and about to fly. But it's not the due time. Not yet.
And I cannot forget. I cannot dare to forget, to lower my guard.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Forbidden thoughts - at night, in the woods, in the city

A bad, mad, sad creature.
He walks the streets of the city, under the cold rain. He walks the darkness of the woods, under the pale blue moonlight.
Creatures.
They walk around. Little shinning eyes in the darkness.
Noises. Something groans.
Someone moans.
He doesn't fear and keeps walking, as there's no danger. Nothing's dangerous for this insane creature - or it's too dangerous, but the eyes are kept shut to the facts.
He sees nothing. He feels the heat of naked bodies in the darkness. He feels the warmth of sex being made, the sounds of human's nature. He past walks.
There's nothing in the darkness. There's nothing to fear.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Just because you are yourself.
Just because you chase the truth.
Just because you dig things deep. Yet there isn't nothing different to be seen.
Am I writing about you? Am I writing about myself? Who knows? Who cares, after all?
I see and go deeper. I seek the answers, the changes, yet there are no changes to be done. I see it now and it has been destroyed by the belief that such words could be misinterpretated - fuck them, fuck what they say or think.

You shouldn't fear the thoughts of the others. They haven't been in your life during the times of struggle. They haven't lived the hard times for you. 
Those have been your words, my friend, not too long ago. And you were right. I should be happilly living my life the way I want, the way it pleases me, yet I can not help it, but to think, to wonder what others' thoughts are going to be. It may have been my path, my evolution, but I still feel somehow trapped on what their thoughts might be.

I call the name of countless people. Are they real? Do they live in the physical world? In the same time of existence that I do? Or are they people living inside my inner world?
I see countless landscapes. Are those landscapes from the same existing plan or are they also part of my inner self?

I see days passing by. I fear to be just a tasteful bit of wrong, that'll never ever be anything good or right. I fear that my self-esteem will be a fading shade of the fading shade that I am myself.

I should be too many things

I have decided to edit this blog. Now I have decided to leave it the way it is. Tomorrow, I might believe that there's a great chance that I have acted like stupid, by starting with the editing, by starting to delete old images, old entries.
I should be sleeping. There are many other things I should be, but that I am not.
I have two letters to write, yet there are no ideas of what to say, I have no idea of what to write.
The last months have been terrible in so many ways. The months to come might be wonderful, depending on how much effort I do put on them.
Let's see.
I went to see someone. A door that should have been kept closed. Now, I see what I miss. I look at what I have craved in the past and... well, it's still necessary. It's still something I could use, because my hands and my body act so naturaly.
I should have kept that door closed. And the night breeze would enter through the tiny little opening of my room's window.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Questions

Where are the dreams and the hope? The so promised days, of sunshine, smiles, wind in the desert? Where are the so promised nights of lust and desire, of moonlight, of dances around bonfires? Where are the beautiful princes of the deserts, their caravans, their beautiful slaves? Where's the lamp with the genius, where's my flyin carpet? And what about the gold, tons of gold, inside a magic cave? Where are the beautiful eyes looking at me through the room, at the light of lmps of oil? Where are my desires? Where is my heart? Where is my soul?

Monday, October 05, 2015

It's raining and I have no idea of what to write

I am trying a new blogging platform. It is a Portuguese platform, so I have decided to try it there again. Call me mad, I might be. Or I really am.
It rains hard outside. It rains deep inside of me. I am looking for answers. Answers without even knowing what are the questions. I long for something that I have no idea what it is. The older I get, more questions I have, without properly knowing what questions are those.
I fly. I fly deep within my soul. I fly to distant lands of fairytales, of wars and conquers. I fly and I rise high in the sky, like an enormous dragon above a castle. I want to write, but the words won't come out. I feel the urge to write, but I have no idea of what to write. I start and wish for the very best, but that very best isn't enough, that very best isn't good enough. And those lands of fantasy seem farther than ever before.

Friday, October 02, 2015

What I decide (not) to do

When we decide to do something, it's better to write down what have we decided to do.
It suits what I am doing with these blogs, with my diaries... I start deleting some stuffs, but I don't even correct others. It's a matter of feeling and flow. And the feeling tells me to correct and delete, the flow tells me to do only what's necessary.

There is no meaning to the things that keep happening.

There's no reason.

There's nothing.

Paranoid, folks. It's all about paranoia!!!