Monday, July 29, 2013

Soon, soon, far, far away from here!!!

In a few days I'll make that trip to the North of Portugal! That trip that I usually do every year, to that very, very old village where my grand dad used to live. That very, very old village where both my grandparents are now resting in peace, near all these fields, all these woods and abandoned old villages. That old village is almost getting empty too!

In a few days... soon, very soon i will be far, far away from here. 400 kms away seem to close nowadays, but 400kms away is also a good distance. 400 kms away from here mean nothing to worry about of what is left behind. Some stuffs will simply follow me, but those things are minimal, because there's knowledge from myself, understanding and acceptance. You know nothing and possibly, none of you will ever know what I am talking about. Or maybe you do. I am caring not. I'm really not: i'm turning 26 years old in the next 1st of August and I am getting a little bit too old for fucking pointless and useless drama. My patience for stupid people is minimal and my life is filled with them, so one month away will have to work to fit a bit more of patience in myself... or maybe not! Maybe when I return, bitchslapping will be the first option, instead of speaking out the truth that people keep not wanting to see! No more time to waste with freakin' damned "bloodsuckers", "energysuckers", "anything-that-goes-suckers"... Fuck you all, bastards! in a few days, I will be far away from here and I won't even think about those shits I am leaving behind...

In the other hand, I'll be thinking about those good worthwhile ladies and boys... There won't be any kind of bad things to kill my time, my energy or my patience... I have lots of plans and I am working towards some of them! even the idea of closing this blog and move onto another place, under another nickname and so on... even that's now more than a plan, but a desire and a will! I'll be working with a friend in another blog and I have a few plans to work on, because, at least for blogs, I'm not lacking ideas!

Soon... soon... I'll be moving on so many craps!!

"Let us move on, let us move on, for this is short and it will pass!"

Friday, July 19, 2013

Around here...

Do you know what is going on inside of my soul? do you have any idea of what's burning within? Do you even know what feeling is? do you know what's to carry a heart? Do you have a minimal idea of what's having storms hitting and striking inside of you?

Days have passed by... I am way better than days ago... but I am still wanting more... and I am feeling a little bit of despair... just a little bit (too big) of despair...

I need more... so much more...

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Me, my pride and something in the middle...

Tive uma rosa de fogo
a arder no meu coração,
ganhou-ma o destino ao jogo
em dias que já lá vão!

Rosa vermelha de esperança,
ai estas horas sem cor,
porque me vens à lembrança
como um pecado de amor?

Pesados pesam-me os passos
que não dei por me cansar,
levo pesados nos braços
os restos de um sonho ao mar!

Tive uma rosa de fogo...


I've had a rose of fire
burning in my heart,
Fate won it gambling
in already gone days!

Red rose of hope,
oh these colourless hours,
why do you come across my memory
as a love sin?

Heavy are my heavy steps,
those I haven't given by getting tired,
I carry heavy in my arms,
the rests of a dream to the sea.

I've had a rose of fire...

Entering the mode to type. Half an hour choosen to be spent here, before I am going anywhere else, doing anything else. I'm feeling... and that means typing. Because typing seems to be the only way of creating latelyt. No, wait! When I handwriting my poems, I'm also creating... I almost forgot, I do write too. I do verses, although I have serious doubts on the quality of my verses.

I am truly proud of who I am. But let me take a wider look at this: I'm days away of turning 26 years old, I've been unemployed in the last four years for various reasons (laziness, death in family, disease, laziness again...). I'm truly proud of my blogs, but I am still wanting to re-start them and now I am pondering on choosing between again or, perhaps, I might go onto perhaps, I might settle a question, to ask for people's opinions: at this moment, without my own computer, without my own internet connection, it is unthinkable to do that "re-start" option again. And it is not about blogger only: facebook, twitter account, maybe the recently created tumblr... It all needs to be recreated so I can feel way more comfortable with what I am doing (or maybe not!). But still, I am feeling proud of all this of all these years here... i am proud, but at the same time, I feel sad... Why is that?

I was walking down the avenue... Summertime! Teenagers are already out fo school and it is possible to see them walking up and down the streets, in the afternoon or at the night. I saw a couple of teenagers huging. It felt rather complicated: I want and I don't want!

Last night, in the gas station where I drink coffee quite often, a dude who I talk to although i have no idea where I know him from. This dude got rather shocked that I am gay. He thought that he had the right to speak out his opinion. he thought that it was due to my education: I told him that since I haven't disrespectd him, he should keep the same kind of respect. Then he came with the kind of conversation of kids and I told him that I'd rather to have 20 cats or 20 dogs at home (or 20 of each) than a single kid, because I have not the same dream of most of people. Fuck off the world, because I owe nothing to anyone. The world has nothing to do with my life, or with my sexuality. It's not even this dude's business...

My mind hasn't been in the best shape, lately.

My soul has been bursting with something: SAUDADE!

I am wanting so much more! I am wanting to improve way too many things, but I am seing myself without any money for way to many things, including for job hunting.

Oh! And about job? Two people talked to me, about getting my resumes: Chico, that asshole who I dealt a meeting with, hasn't shown up, so my resume went out for a walk, before returning home! My friend Miriam... she spoke about that once and never dealt a meeting with me, then I heard that she has been speaking out in the cafe that my interest was very tiny (if any at all!). I am so sorry, people, but fuck off! Next time you guys speak about something, make sure to do things right... otherwise, do not bother me with fake hopes, to do nothing, to let me there waiting and then you fuking idiot people speak out on my back!!

Chico also says that i am one of his greates friends. He also says that he'll defend me of anything or anyone. Last night, you haven't said a fucking word, when the asshole of your friend was harrassing me. Right!

You keep saying that you'll hit me and that I can call my "troops" later on. I'll repeat here what I have told you: I am not counting on the others to defend me! I have not securities! I count on no one but myself to keep me alive! You people know about my feeling of that wicked stalker and you see me calling no one to keep that dude away!

I am proud of myself, although there a few stuffs I should get ashamed of (and I am!)! But being myself, having lots of people who seem to like me, it takes lots of hard work to work you and your personality out to make it work! And not even idiots who try to bring you down can down that: if they can, they'll do that only for a few hours or a day!

Take care, people! Take really care, as I am taking care of myself!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Friends With Strange Desires (again...)

Last Sunday morning, I have ended  up in the middle fo a wood, doing something with a male friend. He requested my secret, after what i have done to him... it wasn't needed: I know what you, straight dudes, want after gay sex.

last Sunday morning, after one night out, i went to take that friend home and we ended up there: doing what nature called us to!

Times ago, I have typed an entry about a friend  who showeed some interest on doing a "test-drive" to me, late at night, when we were speaking with each other in the top of his building. Last Summer, I think that I've mentioned a friend who I got laid with, after one night out drinking and smoking. today, this is the entry. What you're reading is what you're getting. No further details. No images to be seen.

It doesn't really matters! Matters that things have been done! Matters that I was really in the need of typing this (I've written names and further details in my diary)!

Men are strange... Seems that they're wanting to try more than they've wanted ever before. Seems that they're more open-minded than ever before. Seems that they're going further on the sins they're wanting to commit.

I'm strange...

I'm so strange...

and it feels so good!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

"Falling Again"

Let me go! Let me fly away! Let me feel the rain falling in my body, washing it... let me feel the rain wash my soul away...

I don't want to be trapped here...

This world is just insanity... it is fulfilled with adness, insanity, lies... No one seems to be able to be real... No one seems to be able to be faithful to him / herself...

Let me go away! Let me turn back and walk away! My soul, just let go of this world!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Would you consider? (Night walks, thoughts and killers)

You woudln't imagine yourself walking a deep forest, without all the predators inside of it, would you? You wouldn't consider travelling the world, to find the perfect men for the works you needed done, would you? And would you consider walking a market full of people, not to see the products being sold, but the men selling them? Would you consider leaving your home during the noight, just to walk? Would you consider getting out at night, with that single purpose? As the cars were passing, you would be walking... and walking... and walking...

And it is deep at night that i feel the bigger urge to be outside and walk: highed, sobber... I do like being outside, seing the few passing people (and from times to times, there's someone interesting), seing the smaller amount of life, but still seing and feeling life pulsing. Feeling the world turn and turn endlessly!

I imagine... and most of my life is made of imagination... What I live... I type / handwrite it, but I think that are things that no one needs to know! i need to learn to shut up about some things. And it is deep in the night that my thought of a killer outside increases. I haven't thought about that, until a friend of mine has said that she just imagines a car stopping by, the window being opened and the gun... oh the gun, outside the window... the sound of the trigger being pulled... and silence... simple silence!

I walk the streets at night! To go home, I can choose to walk by the park or go around it... I walk by the park... going around will make it longer, when I simply want to arrive home and sit in my corner... and even at home, i don't feel safe... I don't feel like I could be free...

I am not free...

Would you consider the world to let you fly?

Would you consider that immortality would be a gift?

Think twice, Eliath... Think twice...

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Moody... memoirs...

My mood has turned into something quite hard to stand in the last few days! Maybe I was already guessing the Sun was going away (when it gets rainy too suddendly, I get moody). Maybe something is biting my soul in this moment. Maybe I am needing a walk... another night walk (I do it in a daily / nightly basis)... maybe I am just needing to walk into a cemetery (I don't enter in cemeteris for almost three years, since my grand dad died), to remind myself that I am alive and that life is worthy, despite all the bad things that come along with it...

In my head, that friend who was murdered... people told me he has been murdered in January or February... for me, he's been killed last Summer... Somehow, only now it is biting me this way... Somehow, I am just letting myself go in a spiral of thoughts... there's another friend of mine who left jail a few months ago... I don't see him for weeks... I fear that he gets into stuffs that might lead him to death... or back to jail...

My soul is bursting... my mind is breaking bad... my mood is very, very, very bad! And those who are "friends", those who know me seem to just work to improve my bad mood...

Sunday, July 07, 2013

Summer's Here...

And it means way too hot temperatures! Just saw on Twitter that temperatures in Lisbon (our capital city, from which I live on 19 km's away) are about 42ºC. Here, which is closer to Sintra and that temperatures are always a bit lower, we're having one day of 38ºC. Damn! I like all this sun and all this heat, especially at night, because it allows me to walk freely in the streets, listening to my music and listening to my thoughts. I like all this heat, that allows me to go to the beach, alkthough I haven't gone there yet and I am hardly seing me in the beach this year. Money's short and I am still not working...

About the job issue... a friend has told me to show up in the café last Friday afternoon, so I could deliver him my curriculum and give it to him. He pissed me off the whole week and in the end, it was him who didn't show up. I am already guessing him talking on my back, such as a friend of mine did once, when she did me the same. She also knows one of my secrets and I know that she has spoken the shit out of her mouth... We're still friends, but i don't have the same behaviour with her since last year.

Summer's here... and Summer's quite good and attractive for way too many things: I walk the streets and I see the hotties walking by topless. I have entered in this cyber store and there were a hottie by my side, who has already left. He wasn't topless, but I wouldn't mind to see him that way, like the dude outside the store.

Summer's here and while people complained the whole cold Winter, they're now complaining about Summer. I love all this heat, aswell as I love all the Winter's cold. I just hope that all this heat maintains around while it is Summer. I want it to be this way as long as it shall be.

I want to enjoy all this heat and I want to enjoy all the Summer...

I just want to live!

And live as Summer's here!

Thursday, July 04, 2013

Many accounts...

and it happens that I don't have a computer! I don't have my own computer with my own internet connection! I have the regular google accounts, such as blogger (of course, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this entry here!) and youtube. Facebook, twitter, tumblr... it is somewhat of a boom to my online social life.

Decided to spen a bit more of cash today, just to improve my both new accounts on tumblr and it is going well! I am enjoying tumblr, although it is new for me and it si still a bit messy. Back to Facebook first times, it was confusing and messy for me too. Twitter either. But i am using them, without any problems or complications nowadays.

Just give me time... and it'll be my kingdom!! :)