Thursday, April 12, 2012

Thinking of Her



I have been reading old texts. Old photocopies I have been sent along times with the letters. Old letters I have gotten and haven't got rid off. Old eroticas that she sent me. The first lines of her blog I have read, before I have gotten any internet access, even in school (long time ago). But I notice that are missing some stuffs. One of her original eroticas. Another copy of her blog I had. I have been cleaning my room, cleaning the mess and I can not find those texts.

I have been trying old feelings! Took those feelings from old words! Took those feelings from old letters, from old magazines, from old images. I still have all of her letters, I still have almost everything she sent me, except what I previously mentioned!

I have been thinking... and I keep thinking!! In one of her old texts, she said that when the urge hits her, she used to take the mp3 and go out for a walk late in the night. At the time, it was extremely weird for me to think of her going out at 3 or 4 a.m. with an mp3, because I was such a "pretty-good-boy", I could not imagine myself in such situation, how I imagine her going out?? Now I wonder: does she still feels the urge? Does she still goes out in the middle of the night, listening to her favorite songs? Does she still dances/sings, if the mood and the song are the right ones?

I have been thinking of writing her a letter, but what can I tell her that's different, from 5 or 4 years ago, when we used to write letters to each other? At this moment, I am not taking any advantage of any of her awesome advises, I am not doing a single thing... Let's see if I can change the things... Just let me see!!

Saturday, April 07, 2012

I See Them Keep Doing And Changing

And I never leave the same spot! I keep fighting for something I don't really know what it is, but the voices of the ones who have gone, are still shouting at me...

She made her second blog!! Yay!! I have more readings from my Greek Goddess to fill my eyes and soul with truth!! And isn't that women just perfect?? Elizabeth Vasilaki, I told you once and I am saying it again: I LOVE YOU!! Ahahah, please, do not feel scared, it's not that romantic like love, but we can love people in many different ways. We can be in love with someone in so many different ways and you're someone I am truly proud of saying so: I LOVE YOU!!

Well, then again, back to my wonderings... I just noticed that one of the three blogs I rule with this e-mail account, got 11 followers. this one should be my main blog, but... oh well, what the point of saying I have 11 followers somewhere and then saying I don't give a fuck on who reads my words and why they do read my stuffs? It's a little bit like a contradiction, huh?? Well, it's just the story of my life, saying yes, when I say no to the same stuffs... Who cares? Who gives a shit?

I keep walking these streets at night, it doesn't matter how many times I get scared by thugs around there, by certain cars around there, by a certain dude around there, with his secrets and with the fact of me being the only one knowing these same secrets. I keep saying I want to change some stuffs, including my blogs, but I don't really know how I should change my blogs. The one I mentioned somewhere in this post, it was a blog I started writing only in Portuguese, because of some friends of mine and because of my sister Lince, who couldn't read English. Stupid reason to create something that should say almost the same, than the main one. I have a third blog, Portuguese only, that translated means "The Chronicles Of The Victim". My friend Sofy told me to get that blog, because she kept calling me of Victim, because she kept telling me I used to victimise myself, with stupid and meaningless stuffs. Shall I forget all I typed down and delete any of those blogs? So I keep walking and I keep doing exactly the same work online I have been doing until now, but I have been collecting some ideas for what I really want to do... So I keep going to the café, so I keep smoking my cigarettes, so I keep writing down some verses as and insane, while I keep dreaming and planning a brilliant future!! Where are my realities? Why is everything always made of dreams??

I can't remember when was the last time I have sent a letter... I mean, I keep typing letters for my beloved Erin and I want to write down a letter for Elizabeth, but I don't know when I will be able to send it, so I keep letting time passing by. I keep handmaking FB's, in worthless efforts, because I will try to type down the addresses of the people I want to do FB's to, print them, try to do the neatest FB's as possible, but right now, I don't feel any brave enough... Not even to sit down in front of my own computer, to recover my old stories, to type down some new ones, to the which I have had some ideas.

I see people keep doing stuffs, improving their lives and I am being too lazy to do those I am able to do myself and unable to change those I can't do a single thing about them. I feel like fainting or crying, from times to times, but tears dry in my eyes. Tears die in my eyes. Tears never drop. Tears never roll down.

I keep seeing them changing... I keep seeing myself never leaving the same black hole I have been onto from all these years!!