Monday, June 25, 2012

Words are just words

So, it seems that I am in that time of my life that depressions, bad moods will come not so often, but still as strong or stronger than ever before. Still struggling with those moods, but maybe in a better way, now. Not thinking so much of them, but still paying attention to how I feel. Last two years (or are they last three years?) haven't been very easy to me, but still standing, still around.

Today, my friend Sófy went to the café after she arrives from work. She doesn't lives in Cacém, my city, but still she came to the café where we usually meet at Saturdays night.Then our friend Hélder arrived and in the middle of a conversation, after my denial on something, she told me: "everyone dreams to have his love, to fall in love, to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. Everyone pleases themselves with sex. But you keep denying all of those things to yourself. Why should you be different?" Words are just that, words!! But although she thinks she's helping me, she's only hurting me. Not by questioning my choices, but because she knows the whole story (or the important parts of it, although not some names). It hurts me that she keeps fussing on my options and on how she keeps joking in some sensitive matters to me. But once again, words are just words!

The day is so hot! Around 34ºC and increasing tomorrow! The day is so hot and people still mess with me! There's a friend of mine who used to criticize another girl, who's my friend since both of us were children, because the other one only texted or called me whenever she were alone. Now this one is doing exactly the same. She had lots of chances to change that behaviour, not to leave me alone when her friends are around or not just texting me whenever she needed company for anything, or while she awaits for job mates for the beach (like this afternoon). I didn't answered the phone, read her messages and although I couldn't reply, if I could I wouldn't have had replied them. Like I do lots of times, I can pretend I am being a lazy ass and sleeping until 3 p.m. (it's completely true today, but I was awake when she called). Sick and tired of such actions. Sick and tired of people fussing my life.Sick and tired of words being only words, most of times meaningless words!!

But words are just words!! And they'll be just words, although they can be meaningful or meaningless words! They'll never be more than words! Word is separated from action and in my life it tends to be only words!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Doubting

of so many things, that it ends up hurting me quite a lot! My time is running out in here. Half an hour goes away quite fast and it just warned me about the remaining five minutes! Who cares? Perhaps if this blog stays turned on, someone will write anything worthy, instead of how sad and depressed that person is!! I have been down in the last few days and it seems to be a never ending thing!! Parties should be parties, instead of reasons for me to be and feel depressed! Friends should be friends, instead of people who always and just tries to find out a way to fuck you up!! Even lovers should be just lovers, but they always get a way to make you fall in love for them and then they just use and abuse you!

I doubt of my ability to write and paint. I doubt of my ability to create and to feel! Perhaps, in a few days, my mood will be much better, but it's not that good! Not right now! Not today! Maybe, a man like the one in the picture would help...

Perhaps!!