Sunday, April 28, 2013

Changing Stuffs, Improving Other Ones

since I got a second twitter account to follow gay porn actors or dudes esxposing their dicks, asses, bodies or even sharing pictures of my own naked. I always wanted to feel free to do anything I wanted to, but from times to times, i feel like having a string attached to what others might say or think! 

Ishould stop and think: "who cares?", but since my circle of "friends" is big and varied, I think that I can not avoid it. My reputation... Who cares about it? Really, who cares? I owe nothing to nobody, soi why caring. Anyways, it is changed! it is already done!

I have been severly obsessed with Frindship Books. Maybe it's by seing the amazing ones that my beloved Greek lady does (take a look at their ones - http://mostlyamused.blogspot.com) . I have undone some old ones, re-used the paper I had (I had no paper left to work towards them),m re-.used the images I had. I scrapped old metal magazines, saving only some of the interviews that I wanted to keep and I have used some of them to do FB's. This is done, right.

In August, I might be attending to a wedding. I am a friend of the friend, we know each other since we were both kids and I know that she truly likes my drwaings and paintings. I don't draw/paint anything for ages, so I am almost affraid of picking up the materials and start tracing anything, that'll lead to nowhere. Anyways, I will try it. I want to do a painting to her, as a wedding's gift.

Job... there's no job. I am not only without any motivation, but I have lead myself into a vicious circle of laziness, boredom, so I won't move my ass for anything. From times to times, I waste myself delivering resumes (curriculums), but out from that... there is not much work done. And that's the point of highest important needing to be changed. There are lots of things, may it be with myself or with my real / virtual life. I need to stop complaining and doing nothing, to start going for it. I say this often, aswell as I repeat this phrase, but there's never anything that clicks within my mind and makes me move.

One day I will wake up and then... perhaps it is too late...

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

So Much To Say

So much to type/speak about...

I could speak about you, Pedro! My 18 years old cousin, who has been in a psychiatric hospital several times. Still haven't gotten if you've tried suicide or if you suffer from somewhat of Schizophrenia!

I could speak how I mourn Amália Rodrigues... sometimes, the voice in the old Cd's isn't just enough!

I could speak about you, Samuel, who i have spoken with this afternoon. I miss you, your mentality, your sweet face, those words that you used to direct to me. in fact, you have been one of the few guys who have ever made me feel truly comfortable to with who I am.

You, love... My stalker, well of lies. Green eyes set on me, no matter what, nor who. I care not! You care not! We feel disturbed at each other's presence. I feel stalked, especially having your car (or is it just a
BIG coincidence, that a car similar to yours always appears in my paths?) always around. I am not going to say that you're really following me, but it's weird that, in many, many situations, especially when I'm all alone in the streets at night, cars exactly like yours (yeah, yours, you seem to have more than one dark BMW with darkened glasses) passing by, stopping, passing really slowly from me... Anyways, still love you, no matter what...

So much to say and there are no ways to describe it... My soul is full of longings and mournings... My soul is made of Saudade...

So much to say and speechless I am!!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

My paths!!


The sun came to make us a visit. Since yesterday, the days are bright and warm enough, that I smile and keep thinking of how much of the beach I am wanting and needing! I feel trapped... Somehow, I am trapped to the past! Ki am trapped to the things that have never moved from the same exact place!

I fight for what I want. I have been stopped for too long. I have seen a chance to change the stuffs, but that chance has been a very small one. That chance seemed to haven't improved into a nothing, just once again!

I take a look at teenagers passing by in the streets. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17... All young, from when the time of good promises was there. If I had a time machine and if I could go back in time, knowing all I know today, having all the bad experiences that I  have had until today, how different would be things? In one hand, they would be exactly the same, but I would be way more careful in some other points...

I see men passing by. How many, many times have those men been the center of my thoughts. How many, many times some males have been the light I have had in my mind, to lighten up my path... 

no one can lighten my path!

No one's the light for my soul!

I am the one!

The one who can change it all!

The one who has to wakr hard(er)!

I am the one who will end up in ashes, feeling it's everything ok...

I'll be back to nature...

I'll be back to myself!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

"Gloomy Sunday" (Believed Original Version)



Have had to return, to share this version of the song that I just found out! According to the description, it is the original version of the music. It goes pretty weel with my state of mind and this half an hour in here, served the purpose to check my second twitter account, to blog and to listen to the many versions of this song!

The suicide song... And how suicidal I am feeling right now?

But I will be OK!! I always get OK!!

When despair hits again...


It goes down. It goes deep! You can not recognize living hell right in front of you! You can not taste the flavor of ashes in your mouth: it is yet tasting of blood!

Seems that I am still running away from some stuffs! Seems like if I was still running away from you (and after two nights ago, I really should!). Seems like if I was still running away, in the middle of the forest, from all the demons that used to chase me! I am still running from the angels, who keep fighting for me!

I feel like I was trapped by an eternal curse: my cell is cold and I have no escape from there! However, there's no helping pillows in the walls. The re are no bars. Actually, my cell is my mind, my thoughts, my own prejudices about myself (and believed in others' prejudice too).

The dark forest is too far right now. There's always the park, so close from home, that I can hear that old, old oak calling my name, as the moon kisses us both in a strange and ethereal threeway. There's always you, my stalker in the dark. Maybe you're the one killing me someday, not that far away. Maybe you're the one finally trapping me in your arms' jail!

I don't know! I can not explain what burns and bursts inside of me!

The wind's calling my name... I need to go out and dance with him!!

Saturday, April 06, 2013

Insane hormones

and seems that the more I get off pleasure, the more I want and the more I need!!

I am using both twitter accounts. One of them was supposed to be following only gay porn and related. Such as men waving their cocks and so on. I m following the same dudes, although a bit less, with the first account. That first account... way easier to delete it and restart it, following only the very few interestings things and people I want to. Not easy though. tht'll have to wait. If I decide to keep, I'll have to go for an hour or two of reading old tweets, to delete. if I have to delete it, to recreate, I will have to go for an hour or two, between hundreds of people I follow, to select the few I want to follow with that.

But seing naked men, fucking other men, is not helping me. My hormones are insane. I get sexxx and I am immediately craving for more. I think that someday I will be getting so much sex, that I'll be knocked down. I might even faint and be continuosly abbused, as I am inconscient. And even so, that wouldn't be enough for my insane hormones...

Fuck it!!

Friday, April 05, 2013

Does it makes any sense??

I wanna get out there... The wind blows and it is cold, but I want to start dancing with the wind! I want to feel it embracing me, taking me away, to a world that I have almost forgotten. A long time ago, I used to dance with the wind! A long time ago, I used to kiss it!! Our tongues used to get involved with each other's.

My hips move involutariously in the chair, while listening to this song. Somehow, muysics in Portuguese or Spanish always makes me feel way better and way more inside my own environment. Music with a beautiful work of guitars, with great rhythms... Oh, how many times have I walked the streets listening to that black lady singing (Buika, she is!), some of her musics full of longings and mournings, but still the music rhythms made me want to dance, as the tears wanted to roll down my face!

I want to feel a lover's tongue in my neck! I want his hands in my dick, while he's rubbing his hard-on in my butt-chins! I want to feel his hands all over my body, almost as if he were an octopus, able to touch in thousands of places at the same time!

"Quiero volar y sentir tu deseo dentro de mim! Quiero besarte, mientras el mundo se acaba!"

I want to feel the wind... mmm... I want to feel his hands and arms wriapping me... mmm... I want to let go of myself... I want to feel everything... I want to feel nothing... I want to fly and never ever wake up again, if that implies for me centuries, millenia of pleasure and creation (art, true art!! I am starving of creation!!)


Thursday, April 04, 2013

Still struggling with inner issues

Still struggling with the same issues due to the second twitter account. Still struggling at the idea that, perhaps, I am being such an asshole for "hidding" myself at this age, from friends, from "friends", acquaintances and the list of people that I might be hiding for can be longer... how much longer!

I am still struggling at the need of music... of creating something, although I feel blocked at this moment. I want to write, but I try and I end up killing the lines. Sometimes, I rip the page I have written on with the pen, as I try to "hide" what I have writen previously, because it unpleases me, be cause I think it's a very low quality "material". I am thinking about drawing and/or painting something, but I don't put pencils / charcoal / brushes to paper / canvas for a long, long time. That's my passion and used to be my security, but it's just something that remains mostly in the past.

There's so much more going within my mind... In the last two or three weeks, my mind is going insane. Lots of things flying. Imagine those fantastic movies: the spirit invades the room and opens wide the window, while the thunderstorm hits the place outside. Papaers flying and the candles' lights tremble, but they remain lightning the room magically.

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

The second twitter account...

...and it's now the time I ask: what for? To follow porn actors / studios? To follow men publishing pictures of their bodies? To follow those same men and comment on their pictures, statuses freely, without the risk of having my friends finding me out in there? My friends know exactly what I am, what I like / dislike... They might not know what I think or dream / fantasize about a specific man's dick, but they're aware that I get laid with men, that men are my sexual toys.

I have been improving that Twitter account. Following some of the dudes I follow in my ordinary account. Putting an effort of making the beautification of this account, even before I have done that in my regular account. I am now wondering and asking: is it worthy? If any of my friends on Twitter finds me out, will they care to check my older tweets, to check who I follow or by whom I am followed?

I am now with some doubts. I am doubting of myself. Most of the doubts I have nowadays, are doubts about myself: Not about my honesty; not about my habilities; but all these damned doubts are about my-fucking-self!!

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

A new haircut... realisations about life itself and myself...

My hair was getting a little bit too big, so I have gone to cut it today. Finally, I did managed to get the money and the guts to go to the barber shop and to cut my hair. When I arrived there, both barbers were busy, although one of them was finishing the job already, so I went outside to smoke a cigarette. And while smoking the cigarette, I was thinking about that old barber shop, the street where it's now (before the construction works in Cacém, the barber shop was in the old downtown of the city). I also was thinking about life and people in it.

My hair wasn't this strong for a long, long time ago. I have had a few health problems that made my hair goes extra-weak and fall massively. Two years and a half later and lots of anti-fall shampoo, it is stronger than ever before, I dare to say, although it has allowed me to see the place in my head where the hair is lacking. Even withouth my glasses on, I could notice the lack of hair. I don't want to get bald, but since I am not working, I have no money to buy any products to make the hair grow massively as it has fallen, not even to buy anything to make a fucking pube grow in a already hairy zone! I feel sad for this, but that won't occupy much of my thoughts: despite of people's comments, it won't make me think that much from there on.

I have a friend... I mean, he is the boyfriend of a friend, though he's an acquaintance for a long time. His teeth are ruined. He's fixing them, due to his rich grand dad, who pays his college, for him to miss the classes to follow his girlfriend to the job. Possibly it's his grand dad who's paying his dentist either. 
Still on that boy, he also enjoys to have fun at people's face: someday (and I pray I am around to see it happening) he'll be getting in problem, with some not-so-chill-out-guy, that might feel offended by his behaviour. Plus, that dude also enjoy grabbing and touching me. He sent me, with his girlfriend consent, a picture of him naked. I will write a story where he'll be raped roughly. And how many times have I already thought of how good it would feel to be me fucking his virgin asshole. Dreams! Dreams! AhahahahahhaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

I am going mad at some people and at some stuffs... at life itself, for example... I know that I haven't been a model of virtues and that I haven't worked enough to get some of the stuffs I always wanted, but I think that I haven't been that bad either, for deserving such punishments.

I am planning... and working towards to begin the changes within me... and when I do arrive where I want to, and when I do achieve what I want to, get out of my way or be cautious, because I'll be like an unstoppable train, filled with flammable prodcuts and with bombs in it, for a terrotist attack. And you won't wish to be in my way... Oh, no you won't!!