Saturday, May 24, 2008
I am writing this post for all those who will find my blogs link in any profile pages like hi5, myspace or vampirefreaks, the three social utilities that I am using at the moment. I am using hi5 only to keep a contact with some friends I met in Thessaloniki (Greece) in 2004, because it's the only way we have to keep in touch to each others. Hi5 has lost most of it's quality and it can be seen for the "flesh market" it became, of people who simply want to have another number on their profiles. I like having someone to chat to about something and anything. In myspace, I do accept most of the friend's requests I get, but I have few virtual friends in there, so it's quite easy to send a message to someone, eventhough it's just to say "hi!". Or with people who we chat with, if we live quite close, we can always ask each other for a coffee or for a walk in the city. It's always good to do something different and it heals the soul. About vampirefreaks, I logged up yesterday only so I have not much to say about it, but I am wanting to say that I love to be an active member of these kind of profile pages, visit it everyday, eventhough it's just to see who's around. I waste lots of time there, but sometimes, it worths it all.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Yesterday, when I arrived home from job, my mom have gone to work again already. We've chatted a bit by phone and she told me she have left me something to cook for dinner. I wasn't in the right mood to cook. I didn't want to cook yesterday. I cooked something for dinner and took my laptop to the kitchen's table. I was chatting with some friends at MSN and I found my friend Ariana Scarlet there and we've been chatting for a while, while I was eating. We ended talking about music, like in every of our conversations, and I sent her the link of the music "Gothica" performed and composed by Karunesh. I found this video when I was searching for Sarah Brightman's "Gothica" and I just fell in love with it. Karunesh has the gift of composing wonderful melodies. Well, following with the real matter, my friend Ariana gone for search more musics of Karunesh and found "Mystical Woods" from Chris Spheeris, another wonderful music by anothe wonderful composer. I am SOOOO in love with Karunesh and Chris Spheerisright now, not the men themselves, but the artists. They are wonderful composers, two of the best I have ever heard. I am listening to "Mystical Woods" right now and I advise everyone to listen to those wonderful musics. I guess the world would be much better if we used to listen to some calm and instrumental melodies, instead of fighting each others.
After that, I went to the caffé and found a friend of mine who I know for ages, since I am about 14 years old. We've been chatting for while and then I gone to buy tobacco I found Manuela, my 53 years old hippie friend. She weaers short hair, usually blond or with some coloured mohawk. She used a pink mohawk one day! I sat with her in the new cyber caffé where we was able to smoke and we've been there till 11p.m.. After that, we left the mall and went to another caffé in the corner of the street, a few metters down, and she kept drinking her beer and chatting with other people around (she talks to EVERYONE) while I drank my Martini Bianco with lemon and Ice and chatted everyone around as well. After that, we went together to her house, we've been chatting while smoked a few cigarettes and the music played in the discman. We layed together in the bed, listening to the music, chatting... Such magical moments I've been longing for. We are such good friends and that's what I need. Friends, honest friends...
After that, I went to the BP gas bomb to meet my friend Sofia. She was walking since Massamá and arrived with João, a man she calls of father. We've been chatting for a while, as we haven't each other for a while and I love her!! She's my blondie!!! I came home at 4:30 a.m. and laid at 7. It was a magical day...
Today, I woke up at 5p.m. and I had time to cook something quickly and pick the train to get my aunt at Oriente train station, as she was coming from my grand dad's house. We had a coffee and came home. My mom have been with bad humour and things tensed a little, but I gone to have a coffee with my friends Marta and Bruno and we went onto her car to chat and talk about how things with people we used to call of friends are going. Our group broke forever and there's nothing I can do about that, but I am way far from that, I left, when things came bad to my sides and better alone, then feeling uncomfortable anywhere... Now, I am at home, listening to "Mystical Woods", from Chris Spheeris and feeling such a inner peace... As you can see from my image, after that Suicidal Stroke, I am a little Zen... Let's see how far will that gone! Leave me with my soul, with music and art ingeneral and I will be OK, at least in the next five minutes. If I fall down soon, you'll know about it. You know you will do!!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
I am here, writing in both of my blogs tonight! I started writing on my blog in Portuguese because some people I know are not able to read English and it's good to express myself in Portuguese! My mother language drives me onto other levels, onto other places that neither English, nor any other language I can learn and become a "Pro" in that will ever do. English only offers me one thing that Portuguese does not, it's an universal language, almost everybody's able to talk, read and write it, so I can share my thoughts with everyone... My thoughts, my feelings, my ideas, my opinions... Everything!! I am able to do almost everything in English, including virtual sex... HA! Joking, but true!
A legancy of Death!! Last night, I was in the hospital. I entered the hospital at 3 p.m. and a doctor saw me only at 2 a.m.. I have been around the waiting room all that time, sometimes I went out there to smoke a cigarette. I have had a heartache and decided to walk to the Doctor, but on two days in a row they said me that I couldn't see the damned doctor. As I have no doctor for about one year, I had to be seen for any doctor which was available to see me or I would have to wait till June... I decided to go to the hospital and waited all that time! So many things happened, so many people went there, so many ambulances... When I finally got a doctor to see me, he heard my heart, he felt my pulsation and told me to go to do an exam to the heart and when I arrived the room, the guy there was with the light off. I must confess he was so HOT that when he told me to undress the top clothes, I thought: "I'd undress the lower, if the doc wanted to"! Not joking!! Anyway, I did the exam and returned to the doctor... I need to go to another doc in about one month to do that exam again... Damn, twelve hours in the emergncy for that!!
Anyway... I look at my image in the mirror and I do not recognize the person in the other side... Who's that guy staring me, with a sad expression? I can't even look at the mirror, because I just hate what I see...
I WANT TO DIE!! I WANT TO LEAVE ALL THIS DESPAIR BEHIND! I WANT TO DISAPPEAR! NO ONE COULD EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN, NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE ME AGAIN! I WANT TO DESTROY MYSELF IN ALL THE POSSIBLE WAYS!
I look to the mirror and wonder if the guy on the other side is straight, gay or what else... I wonder if he's married, single, how does he feels... I try to find anything good, but I miss what I've been, what I could be, what I will be... I hide myself in a cover of ugliness. I want to scream, run away, pack up my stuffs and get a train or an airplane. I see my twenty years old face and I think I am too old, too tired. Things aren't that good when I say I am OK, when I say I am fine! I am not fine! I am tired of everything, but it's OK!! If you're able to read and understand WELL Portuguese, just check my other blog through the profile or by the link: http://angelalucardpt.blogspot.com and you'll see what I meant with that! I wrote there before and those shitty things are written there!
I think, sometimes, despite of imagine myself with a man, how would be my life if I had a kid, my son or daughter, to care, to love, to teach, to give him/her a legancy! Then I realise that the only legancy I could give him, would be a legancy of death. It's the only I have for certain in my life, the only thing I know he/she would be able to get from me... But what's the point of bringing a child to the world? There are too many children around, needing a lap, a bit of love, a bit of food, a bit of comfort... Goddamit, I need to sleep! "SLEEP IS A FAKE DEATH, ONLY DEATH IS THE PERFECT SLEEP!". OK, I will die for a few hours, to ressurrect in the morning and it's too late!! I need to lay my head and never ever wake up again!!
Three Death Angels, three sisters/brothers, in their hunting for souls! Such a beautiful image... I have choosen it for a perfect text, but there's nothing perfect about me... And my words have been spent... Maybe... Maybe my Death is awaiting for my perfect creation and that's my doom... I have nothing perfect to do or to give!!
Thursday, May 08, 2008
"I burn my cigarettes like oxygen". Nice phrase for a title... But it's the truth. I smoke since I am 16 years old and I never smoked like now. I smoke almost two boxes of 20 cigarettes a day, especially if I am like now, melancholic, searching for something which I don't know what it is... I feel myself like living a movie, working in that restaurant, killing myself of working, losing my personal life, posing like a mannequin, smiling all around, walking lightly like a butterfly, saying "good afternoon, here's your drink!"... I need more, I need action. I just watched a book store here in my city needing employers. Well, tomorrow morning I'll wake up earlier (today), take a bath, smoke a cigarette, walk to the store and deliver my curricula there. It's closer from home and it surely works in a better way.
Right now, at 3 a.m., I am sat in front of the laptop, in my couch, smoking a cigarette and thinking in a better way of kick the words onto here. I blow the smoke and stare it, grey and sometimes blue, going up and disappearing... I wish, sometimes, being like the smoke, disappear in the air, but that's not possible; science proved that, but magic still wants to prove it's possible. I am into a way of getting into magic, witchcraft and so on. But smoke... Smoke makes me feel something like happy. Not happy, the right word could be comforted. In longs hours of emptiness, sadness, melancholy (like now, I must say), it always feels good with good music. mLights are no longer needed, so I'll turn them off. An ilusion of a forever night, which will never worth a day, but day will come in a few hours and my cigarette won't last few hours. Few minutes, maybe, never hours. I stare at the laptop screen and smoke flies in front of me... It's mystical being inside the bath, all naked and the cigarette burning.
I am trying to go deeper in my point of view but I am not being clear, neither does my brain... Sleep, maybe... Insanity... Perhaps... But if I'm going to sleep, at least, may the cigarette be burnt?
I am a poet... A fiction writer... A painter... A fadista and singer of metal... I am everything and I am nothing... I am a smoker... I am a shadow... I am this... I am that... and the cigarette burns...