Monday, October 27, 2008

I'M YOUR TOY











I am your toy... I am your whore and your slut... I am the one you use, abuse, rape, hit and the one who still kep the arms wide open to receive you in the end of the day, with a big smile in the face. I am the one who can love you, if I get that chance... I am your toy... Touch me, dress me, undress me, wear me, rape me, abuse me, love me, hate, but do something with me, please! Take me home, take me to the street, take me in your car, take me in your motorcycle, take me somewere, but just take me!!
I feel like I am nothing more in the hands of Fate, of Destiny. I still wander around alone, without a love or a lover, without any safe port, like some people like to call to their lovers. Today, in my day off from job, I just went to the Lisbon downton, like I always like to do and I was fine. I like to go there, but the matter is that I am always alone. Smetimes, Igo there withfriends, but it's not that kinda company I need to do something which pleases me so much... Don't take it into other ways, I love going out with my friends, though lately I feel bored in many situations, but there is a certain time in our lives we all feel the need of getting someone pecial in our lives, though it's only for a second,a day or a week. I need my loneliness to be well, to be safe in my deepest world, but I am feeling that lack of a fulfilled space inside of me and hat's driving me crazy, because I amgetting out of sures, I am getting out of all the things I ever had as certain in my life!
In the other hand, I have the fact of my tireness in my job. I feel, once again, a slave. I work, work, work an never get a thing. I go around and always land in the same place. I am tired of staning people who always make me wanna shout, breaking everything around me, destroy them in all the possible and imaginary ways... I am just too tired and so I let myelf go like the wind wans puling me into this wave of madness!! I suppose I am just entering a new dangerous zone of my moods and that can't be good!!
I need to go, now!! I need to go out for a while more and rest...

Friday, October 24, 2008

Same things than before

I still wonder what's the real meaning of doing something, when all people can do is destroying our happiness and joy... I still wonder what I can do to go further on things, or why shopuld I even try if I go around things and always finish in the same place. I try to lift my head up and all the things goes exactly to the same shit I was at before... Maybe, I should stop trying and leave things happens naturally. That way, things could gone much better.
I am a 21 years old guy and I miss my 17 years old time. I look at those 17, 18 and 19th aged boys and I still miss those times, but then I recall I was in the middle of a deep depression at the time. I remeber I was drinking too much then, drugging myself with pills, cutting myself, doing everything to destroy myself... Almost killing myself with no one noticing those disgraces around... The fires of an artist soul are the most destructive and builters of the most beautiful pieces of our lives, but what that worths, if the artist always "burns" himself? I am the burnt artist, the one who«'s no longer being able to create his wonderful pieces, the one who's missing something to create... I miss the times I had long weeks of insomnia just to paint a single paper with my childish styled drawings... I miss so much and I am trying toi chase all that back and there's nothing coming back to me. I am to tired to lift my arms up and fight. I am laying my head down in my coffin and trying to rest, but even my heart doesn't stop beating, my lungs doesn't stop breathing, my voice doesn't shuts the fuck up... I am all messed up, I am going insane and maybe that's what will bring all that I am longing for back... Maybe... who knows?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Missing something

Still now I wonder what's the meaning of so much sadness... I still miss something, still miss someone, who has not arrived... I miss so much, I feel too much sadness, but my heart is just too small... I feel like I had a heavy weight in my chest, like something was going to crush my heart... I need to do something for my life, something for my heart and for my pain, but I still need to find out what I really need!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Empty

Tonight, there will not be any videos, there won't be any kinda of fetishes, there won't be any kind of provocating things around... Just a state of mind and of soul... A state of mind that came with the silence of the night and with some unexplainable melodies of my soul...
I feel like I had crashed against a wall in HIGH speed, cause I feel a huge pain in my body, thanks to a night with sleeping... My head hurts, my eyes are heavy... Amália sings "Cantiga de Amigo" (Friend's Song), with a sad expression in her voice... Amália is just the perfection in the planet, though she already died 9 years ago. I feel a strange connection to that lady, I feel like I am looking into a mirror, when I see her sad pictures, when I listen to her songs... I feel like I am something which wasn't supposed to be born... I must be a mistake of Destiny...
I am so empty inside, feeling so sad, so painfully sad... I need to get something I cannot explain what it is, cause I don't even know what it is. Maybe I am just wrong... Maybe I am too right, when I think this way... I need to be gone! I need to disappear, vanish in the air... I need...