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Showing posts from October, 2008

I'M YOUR TOY

I am your toy... I am your whore and your slut... I am the one you use, abuse, rape, hit and the one who still kep the arms wide open to receive you in the end of the day, with a big smile in the face. I am the one who can love you, if I get that chance... I am your toy... Touch me, dress me, undress me, wear me, rape me, abuse me, love me, hate, but do something with me, please! Take me home, take me to the street, take me in your car, take me in your motorcycle, take me somewere, but just take me!! I feel like I am nothing more in the hands of Fate, of Destiny. I still wander around alone, without a love or a lover, without any safe port, like some people like to call to their lovers. Today, in my day off from job, I just went to the Lisbon downton, like I always like to do and I was fine. I like to go there, but the matter is that I am always alone. Smetimes, Igo there withfriends, but it's not that kinda company I need to do something which pleases me so much... Don't take …

Same things than before

I still wonder what's the real meaning of doing something, when all people can do is destroying our happiness and joy... I still wonder what I can do to go further on things, or why shopuld I even try if I go around things and always finish in the same place. I try to lift my head up and all the things goes exactly to the same shit I was at before... Maybe, I should stop trying and leave things happens naturally. That way, things could gone much better.
I am a 21 years old guy and I miss my 17 years old time. I look at those 17, 18 and 19th aged boys and I still miss those times, but then I recall I was in the middle of a deep depression at the time. I remeber I was drinking too much then, drugging myself with pills, cutting myself, doing everything to destroy myself... Almost killing myself with no one noticing those disgraces around... The fires of an artist soul are the most destructive and builters of the most beautiful pieces of our lives, but what that worths, if the artist a…

Missing something

Still now I wonder what's the meaning of so much sadness... I still miss something, still miss someone, who has not arrived... I miss so much, I feel too much sadness, but my heart is just too small... I feel like I had a heavy weight in my chest, like something was going to crush my heart... I need to do something for my life, something for my heart and for my pain, but I still need to find out what I really need!

Empty

Tonight, there will not be any videos, there won't be any kinda of fetishes, there won't be any kind of provocating things around... Just a state of mind and of soul... A state of mind that came with the silence of the night and with some unexplainable melodies of my soul...
I feel like I had crashed against a wall in HIGH speed, cause I feel a huge pain in my body, thanks to a night with sleeping... My head hurts, my eyes are heavy... Amália sings "Cantiga de Amigo" (Friend's Song), with a sad expression in her voice... Amália is just the perfection in the planet, though she already died 9 years ago. I feel a strange connection to that lady, I feel like I am looking into a mirror, when I see her sad pictures, when I listen to her songs... I feel like I am something which wasn't supposed to be born... I must be a mistake of Destiny...
I am so empty inside, feeling so sad, so painfully sad... I need to get something I cannot explain what it is, cause I don't…