Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Listening to such wonders like this, I still wonder how do human beings create so many wars, how do we fight so much each others, how do we still kill each others just for fun and pleasure. I still wonder how good it would be to leave this world behind, listening to something so beautiful like this! No more pain! No more wars! No more hate! No more killings!
I realise how we are stupid, how tiny we are, but we still think we rule, we are the lords of the planet! It doesn't matter!! We'll never own anything! We'll never be superior to any specie, just because we behave in the most disgusting way to each others, to the planet, to the animals. How sweet sounds now the idea of leaving this world behind, I repeat!
Just wondering, due to such beauty!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Am here for a few hours trying to decide what to write down. Wished I could do happier things!! Wished I could do pretty things, but this is the way I am!! And for the time I got this open, to write down something, after talking to him, after being telling him more on what's going on wrong with me, being with the liars' song on, for some reason that I unknown myself. Been here for too long, almost crying, just because he is not giving up on me, just because he's saying that I can count on him anytime, just because he's in my life, eventhough it's not real yet, it's just virtual, but no judgements, no demandings (just the demanding for my happiness), blah, blah, blah...
Am broken... Am really broken... My healt is no longer perfect, it'll never be perfect again, but I can do lots of things, like I always did. Nothing will stop me!!
Just got a proposal from a Portuguese actor who added me in the FB for registering my poetries in the portuguese society of authors, so I'll get paid whenever I publish a book with them. I can also register my paintings! I do believe it might be wonderful, it might help me a lot, being a registered author, but what's behind this helping? It can be a uninterested action, but what if?? The old "what if" thingy!! Everyone has a dark side (in my case, we can say that I have a light side xD ). He says he can do this for me for free, but i've learnt on my own that nothing's for free in life, neither love, nor pleasure! I think I'll take it on... I think I'll face the danger, no matter what!! Yeah, love, I'll take te danger of tkaing this offer on, take a lil bit of the risk. Yeah, Sofy, I'll take it on. Maybe then you won't say that I don't live, maybe then you'll see I am taking the right steps on the right path!!
Broken... Physically... Broken... Mentally... Broken... Spiritualy...
My feelings are never the same. People use to have a line of feeling, it's never too extreme, I am always in the limbo, over depression or euphoria... This is not good, but am fighting this as hard as I can, only for you, love!! You might not love me, but I am wanting really hard to love you!!
No more loneliness... No more longings on what if... Just me and you... You and I... And nothing else would matter!!
Saturday, February 05, 2011
I need to leave this wicked world behind. Flowers became hard stones for me. The air I breathe feels like poison to my lungs. I smoke my cigarettes. I smoke over and over, cigarette after cigarette, because I can not feel peace within. I try hard and harder day by day, hour by hour, but there's no way to get some peace into this wicked soul. Seems that my old desire became true: I am all alone, I can not find anyone who can love, especially now. Oh! Yeah, I know, there are my friends, but friends are not the right people to give a kiss in the lips, to give me a hug in the darkest hours of my physical conditons or in the darkest hours of my mind. There are secrets that only two friends of mine do know, there are secrets that i wish was able to hide from the entire world. i wish it was possible to hide many things, including my feelings, even from myself.
I know, feeling this much, using it to work or write is such a great gift. I can be big! Numerology said so! Tarot said so! But it's such a curse too! The curse of carrying a cross! Carrying a cross heavier than we can really stand! I feel like there's nothing left to me... My body is ruined... My soul is broken into a thousand pieces... It turned to ashes and was spread by the wind... But my feelings are deep inside of me, bothering me hard and harder day by day, week by week, year by year...
It might sounds negative, but i got this hard feeling after going to the café. Seeing my friends hurted me... Seeing some couples hurted me... Because this feeling of emptiness is not fulfilled by anyone, is not fulfilled by anyone. I still miss those times i barely understood what I feel, i barely understood that I could feel. There are days i miss my past. Others, that I miss the day which is going! Others when I miss myself... I wanna go and vanish in the air, like ashes... The ashes of my cigarette, which last nothing, but a few minutes... I wanna be part of the sea... I wanna fly higher! I wanna scream louder! i wanna be a poet! I wanna be an artist! I wanna not to feel this much!! I wanna be everything... And I am nothing!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
I look at my past. I remember those old times. Seems it's all so far away. The feelings ain't changed much. My questions are still the same of qhen I was a child. I still listen to the same voice. But there are other things which seems way too far. I still wonder why all this sadness, even when I am smiling. I still wonder how do I can smile, when all the pain inside seems just too much than I can even stand. This world hurts me. Beauty hurts me. Ugliness hurt me. Smiles hurt me. Tears hurt me. Why all this feeling? Why this feeling of emptiness, even when I am surrounded by dozens of people?
I still wonder why do the winds whispers his secrets to me. I still wonder the sea calls me everytime. I still wonder which will be the taste of Death... I mean, of being dead, not of tasting the death of others, because it's just too much pain going on and on... There's so many things why I wonder, that I try to give up on wondering on this. Just letting it flow, just letting it go.
Still look at my past... But am getting some stuffs from my past back, like getting high and going on for car rides on high speed. Sure, I do not drive. I am too affraid to take my driver's license, but I still love going on high speed...
Wondering... Wondering... Most artists got this wondering stuff... But what to say? What to do? Nothing!! Just leave and feel! Peace, love and respect!!
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
No matter how many years will pass by, till my departing day. No matter how many voices scream out loud in my head. No matter how hard loneliness hits me. No matter how shinny or grey days are. No matter how many cigarettes I smoke. Because there are dark corners in my mind and they belong to you. I feel you looking at me from there, like a spider in it's web, waiting for the fly to fall in the trap. Your eyes on me has been just another to hurt me. You smile has been the fire to burn me hard. And my love for doesn't ceases! My love for you is stronger day by day. No matter what! i may starting liking someone, but it will never be the same than what I had for you.
The darkest corners of my mind are no longer fulfilled with monsters. The darkest corner s of my mind are yours, for your sake, for your guilty, for your sake, for your pleasure and delight. Your green eyes and your lighty smile are part of me. Do not be affraid, I won't reveal your secrets out loud to the wind. They're mine! I'll carry them out to my grave! But my love for you, I weep it out!!
In the darkest corners of my mind, I can feel the heartbeat of everything in this world. With eyes wide shut, I walk the streets and i can feel the wind blowing between my years, blowing my ideas, blowing the voices in my head. But they're here.
I close my eyes while I walk... I feel their eyes on me! I close my eyes, I can listen to my own heartbeat!
In the darkest corners of my mind, there are kingdoms! In the darkest corners of my mind, there are big cities! in the dark corners of my mind, there's peace and war! In the darkest corners of my mind there's everything, but me!
I am one and one are three... Voices, more voices within me. My chest burns, it seems it's going to explode!! But till now, here I am!! Because the darkest corners of my mind are full of everything!!
Still couldn't forgot you, but time keeps passing by, days keep going on and on! Nothing stops time and life, so why not just letting myself go with the flow? Why keeping me trapped to you? The more I love is not the more you'll love or ever think about me, so why am I not able to get over you? It's not fair, not a fair fight, but here I am, trying to tell myself that I'll get over you, to tell myself that I can get over all this feeling, to tell myself that my madness can make me run through all the good things, without thinking of you, but it hasn't been possible.
Así como Shakira lo dice, no he conocido ojos como los que tienes tu!!