Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Alternative Lifestyles

Image taken from - http://www.shirleyaleycampbell.com/alternative_lifestyles/pic1.htm
I am still hanging around.
I'm still looking for other places where I do can find anything suitable for my thoughts. I still look through alternative websites, for alternative people. Goths, emos, punks, skinheads... people from the underworld... I'm still trying to find a place where I do suit. I'm still looking to find somewhere to get my perfect lover. That lover that'll understand my desires and that perhaps will follow me.
I am still taking glimpses at naked men in alternative websites. I'm still taking glimpses at goth boys, punk men... I look at their lifestyle. I take glimpses at their old boots. I take glimpses at their physical beauty (or the lack of it) and I still do feel like if I could get the world from them.
I'm still taking glimpses at what I get. I'm still taking glimpses at the things that I've been building around me and out of me. I'm still wanting to change some stuffs. I'm still needing to let go of my madness.
I am still taking glimpses...
and that's all I get out of the alternative desires...

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Live, love and do not forget!

Live, love and do not forget.
Live crazy, don't look back and never regret!
Love deeply, laugh loud for your jokes and let them be!
Do not forget where did you came from, do not forget what you've been through and go further.
What they say is with them.
What you do is with you.
And who you are... it's about yourself!

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Not too highed... not sobber either...

I just came from the cafe. And while walking down the avenue, I was trying to decide which name to give to this entry. I was planning things to write. It happens quite often, as it also happens often that I end up not writing anything that I've planned to.
I haven't decided what to write. I haven't decided to use this title. It happens that this is the truth.
I have had a few stuffs inside my mind in the last few days. There are stuffs that have been trapped inside my mind since the I last came to this shop to use the computer and the Internet. So many things are happening in the world and there are so many things bothering me.
We all know about the consequences of the global warming. But they are very noticeable in Portugal at this moment. beaches are way smaller than they were about 25 years ago. In Winter, the beaches disappear under the sea. Days ago, I heard on TV that Portugal will have zones under the water in a short period of time. I am terribly wounded about this. My country's identity and itself are disappearing. It's disappearing due to the consequences of the global warming, of which we, human race, are responsible. It's identity is disappearing due to stuffs that I prefer not to type about. It's hurting me quite a lot and I have had very bitter moments due to this and to the thoughts whipping my soul.
I see people. People passing by. People sitting by my side, like the man in the other afternoon with his arm in the back of the empty chair between us. I felt desire to touch his hand: maybe he wouldn't like and act violently. perhaps, he'd love and asked me to follow. Or he could be indifferent to my reaction.
I live.
And I forget. I do forget people and words and I start to leave the past behind. I don't forget where did I came from, nor who have made of me who and what I am. I just feel like needing to get over this state of mind and I do need to work towards that.
And I do need to stop, when I feel like. And this is the moment. I see failures and tears and mistakes. But that's where the right thing came from: the mistakes!

Sunday, April 06, 2014

The last few days...

The last weeks have been a mad thing. My aunt came to my house with her cat and it happens that both cats fight each other like mads. The old screen of my computer exploded for reasons that I am not mentioned and I am glad that I've been able to avoid a bigger noise at 5 a.m., right after I have arrived home. I am feeling depressed from times to times, but it's nothing that lasts too long to create the need of getting a more agressive escape.

On Thursday night, I went to the cafe like I usually do. I stayed there until the morning of Friday. I haven't slept much. Friday night, after a long, long night, with absinthe and liquor "Beirão" (a Portuguese brand of sweet liquor), I've had a dinner at a friends' house. We've spent most of the night smoking joints, some of the which big ones. The sleepless night, added to alcohol and hashish joints made me feel like being about to drop dead. And yesterday, a few joints at the noon and another one at night made it for me.

It's Sunday. The sun appeared and the temperatures are a bit higher. It finally seems Spring and it's a good day to be outside. I went for a small walk, to get some tobacco and to drink a coffee. I've texted a friend, who said that she would take one hour or so to appear and it has been more than hours by now. It's OK, we're possibly having our coffee at night. It's always nice to see her and to drink one coffee with her, no matter how long we're without seing or talking or even texting each other.
While walking down the avenue, I saw a friend with her baby daughter. The baby smiled to me and hid the face at the mom's neck. I came down the avenue smiling like a fool, for the simple gesture of the baby and for her simple smile.
I walk the streets. I take looks around and I take glimpses at people's facial expressions. Some smile. Others keep a long face. Some others, with their smile, have their lovers by their side. Or their friends. Maybe their kids. I see my friends moving on. They come out of a huge hole where they've been buried and rising up. They move their lives ahead, while I am still living the same shitty life, mostly due to my own fault. I feel sad. And it doesn't lasts for too long.

I fear that I am going crazy. I am possibly madened already. And it happens that I don't feel like having Alice telling me that the best people in the world are the crazy ones. In fact, if Alice would cross my way, she'd bow me with my skinny ass exposed and would slap my ass with a leather whip so hard that it would get black for weeks. She'd yell to me and would blame me and accuse me of my own sins and crimes. And she would be right.
When I am alone, late at night in the streets or when I am listening to my music at home. When I'm alone with my thoughts. When there's no one that I can use as a form of escapism. Those moments are no good. Those moments are no beautiful.