Monday, April 26, 2010

Summer melancholy

This is a typical Summer day... Lots of Sun, the air is too HOT, I feel like melting. I was supposed to be happy, right?? People feel depressed on Winter, due to rain, the lack of Sun and so on... Well, I am not that happy!! I feel I am unable to be really happy!!

I am in the cyber shop I use to come lately to be a little in the internet to write down on my blogs, to see my friends pictures or to talk to some of them. At my side, there's a guy who seems to foccused on the computer to notice I am looking at him sometimes. There were a couple in some computers out there, who the guy looks at me so many times, that it seems he's interested in me. Today I am trembling all over, I got a heartache since I woke up, I barely eated... Sometimes, lots of times, I feel tired of this life, of this existence and nothing saeems to help, nothing seems to cease pain away... I cant´t explain how do I really feel!! It's like if I had an iceberg inside my chest, like if loneliness was a knight over a black horse, popping out from any Alladin movie!!

Melancholy... Nostalgy... Singing... What can this feeling be?? Don't know... Maybe someday I will Know... Maybe someday...

Friday, April 23, 2010

A Feeling of Emptiness

I am feeling empty... Not exactly well... Not exactly bad... Empty!!

How can I define this?? This is like a good feeling that if I wasn't here in this moment, it wouldn't matter where I would be!! I am not in the right mood to write... A couple days ago, I read something about bipolar people and about some artists, including two poets from Portugal, my country, and they said it was needed them to be in such a huge euphoria or in such a huge depression, if they wanted to create... Weel, I recognise some signs of bipolarity in me, but I don't know if I am really bipolar, or if I am just with a humour changing crisis. I need to check psychiatrist, before ever doing anything related to bipolarity...

Just needed to write down a few lines...

It's hot out there... I don't want to be burnt by the sun...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Rose of Fire

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I had a rose of fire
Burning in my heart
Fate won it gambling
In days which already left

Red rose of hope,
Oh this colourless hours
Why do you come, memory,
As a sin of love?

I'm tired of my tired steps,
I haven't gave of getting tired
I carry heavy on my arms
The rest of dreams to the sea

I had a rose of fire
burning in my heart
Fate won it gambling
In days the already gone!!

This is the translation of the poem of the fado that's playing!! I hope you like it as much as me. I wish you're able to understand why did I feel so much my soul... That might be the sadest way to explain the huge passion the kills my soul... The passion, the hunger of living, but the obsession of Death!! It hurts me a lot! And I couldn't be really happy, if it was any different!!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Despair on Love!!



Lately, it's hard for me to see old pictures. It's hard for me to think on someone I love, because lately I realise my friendships are loves too bigs to be felt like a simple friendship. People in my life are my loves!! I love them so hard that I feel despair just thinking about them! The sea is another HUGE love of mine!! The rain, that's right now falling out there, that leaves an awesome smell of wet earth and wet cement, due to the city, is my obsession, I love walking the streets while it's raining, feeling the rain in my face, in my hair, weting my body!!

Everything, lately, can be related to a sexual desire, to a sexual touch on my body... The simple massage a friend of mine did on my neck last night could be done in a sexual content, but in the middle of the café, just because my neck hurts over two weeks.

I can't explain... In my Facebook, two minutes ago, I saw my tagged pictures, by a friend of mine profile, old pictures, of old smiles, of old laughs and it was just too grand, for my to contain what I feel inside! I love these people in my life, I love them more than I can stand, and I need them there. They've been there in the worse situations in my life, they've been my life saviours, they've been my lungs to breathe, my legs to walk, my eyes to see, when I was too blind to realise about anything!! Thank you all for being there, thanks for the beautifulm thoughts you all give me in melancholic afternoons like this, when rain comes down and my mind starts working in beautiful images, songs and so on!!

I love all you, including penpals, who became extraordinary friends, Like Elizabeth, Erin, my virtual friend, Ludivine, all my friends who I know for years or months... I love you all I need you all in my life... This is despair for you and about you all!! Thank you!!! I love you!!!

Thank you to the sea!! To the rain!! To the night!! To the sun!! To graveyards!! To my paintings!! To my writings!! To my musics!! To those who I sing!! Thanks to everything and to evrytone involved in my life!! I desperatelly love you all!!

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Burning Inside...

It's the time for me to think what I really wanna do. I suffer because I can't tell by words (or in any other way) to the world the way I feel. I try to do that in my poems, but it's never enough, it's never the right words. In my paintings, it's never the right colour or trace, or shadow. I'm falling into a dark wave again.

I go deeper in me! I dig harder and deeper! Nothingness! Just silence! I speak... I shout... But no echo!! No sound!!

I feel tired, painful, every morning I wake up! May it be a vampire, once again, sucking all my energy?? May it be a werewolf atracting me, to possess my body and offer me sexual pleasure as no human being as been able to?? I see some videos on porn (I'm human, after all) of big muscular men fucking each other ass, sucking the dicks, drinking piss or sperm and I think how nice it would be to be there in the middle!! I deon't care much of what others think aboutme, I just care on me... But being me is everyday harder. A constant humour changing, a constant depressive or enthusiastic way of be, of feel!!

A couple years ago, I would be saying "I'm depressed by this, I'm depressed by that", but the worse is that I can't find out a reason to be the way I am. There's no reason for nothing going this way!!

I think I must get a guy and fuck hard! It won't solve anything, but I'll fell much better in the end! I miss having someone else's dick between my legs or in my mouth!! Pervert?? Nah, just confident about my sexuality!! Or I shall smoke soe weed or hash!! Getting real out of my mind, letting this madness go!! Anything... I just would like to stop feeling for a while!!

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Being Myself!!



Being myself, once again... Being what I was in the past, without leting myself go in a wave of depression and suicidal thoughts!! Though Death is the obsession of my soul, the obsession of my own, I know it'll come, so why to waste time thinking of her?? I know she's looking for me, I know she'll come when it's the time, so why should I waste too much time on her?? She know I love her right away, I'll spread my arms and let her embrace me!!

In one of these friday nights, my friend M. took me and one friend of her, S., to the beach at night!! There's nothing so grand as the sea, as it's envolving smell, as it song, laying in the sand!! I wish I was so drunk or so highed I wouldn't mind to go and let him touch me, let him love me, let him do whatever he wants with me!!

Of course I still wander around! Of course I still feel loss, or in a deep despair, of course sadness (one of my best inspirations to create) is still a nice company to a cigarette, together with a nice song!! I know that extremely beautiful things are inside of me, though I can't put them down on canvas, paper, words or whatever it is!! That's one of my final lines, to find myself, to find the rifght way to show the huge kingdom reborn inside of me, the huge sea that makes me dreams of songs of a rare beauty. That's one of the things that hurts me the most, being unable to show off my soul!! Maybe someday it'lll change... Maybe someday, I'll travel the world and it'll be cooler inside of me!!