Saturday, July 26, 2008

THINKING ON CHANGES


A few minutes ago, I was reading the blog of my good friend indigojester (http://indigojester.blogspot.com/) and I decided to read some comments left to her blog, trying to find some of my own comments and then I just found out one comment of another good friend of indigojester, Carrie. She talked about changings that happened in her life and she thanked to our good friend. I have had some changings in my life and many of them I can thank to that good friend of ours too. I could see she was in a whirlwind in her life in the last few months. I could realise for her friend's blog itwas thanks to a guy in her life and I really hope my good friend can be happy, because she deserves it all... E., you deserve to be happy so much more than many other people around this world.
Anyway, I remembered that I have other good friends which also helps me a lot and one of those is Teresa. She's a good girl, but lately I could see some things I didn't knew on Teresa and I always thought that if I found things like those about her, I would feel sad because she was so different of what I knew of her, but how can I say that's a different Teresa? I don't really know those things of her. We can never really know a person, but she talks very well too, she makes me think on so many things and in the other day in the caffee, she recalled an old scene, an old conversation of ours that I didn't remember for ages, like when I said to her that I am a boy which likes other boys... It was our first "real" conversation. I told her that I like to lay down with other boys, that I like to fuck and being fucked and some narrow minded people around us looked at me like I was an alien, like I was from another planet, or like I deserved being killed for being who I really am. I also told her that those people doensn't bother me, that I like to shock them... I always do something that makes people look at me, that makes those narrow minded people hate me, but I don't even care. I am who I am and I like being who I am... I feel comfortable with who I am and that is all that matters, because it's me who gonna live my own mind, not the others. I need to be happy and if my happiness depends on laying down with another men, why not? Tell me, why not? Are you gonna live for me, I ask? the answer is clear and simple: NO! So, stay away from me... I am bothered for your presence in my life, narrow minded people. I feel bothered when people are too close. If you come too close to my soul, if you almost discover me in my mask. But my mask is not for hidding me, is just to keep you away.
I also gained, thanks to indigojester again, a bit of self-love. A little tiny bit, but I have some now. I could love someone before without being able of loving myself, no matter if people say that I must love myself first to love the others. I almost fell in love a few months ago. For the first time in my life, I nearly fell in love, but things gone wrong with that guy. I hated him for a few days... I was depressed and when things happened, my world almost fell down, but I stood strong. I used to listen to sad and depressive musics, when I was depressed. Amália Rodrigues played loudly on my mp3 for hours, for days, with her sad songs, and then, it came the phase of waking up and hating him. I passed from 24 hours per day of Fado, to 24 hours per day of Otep (hardcore music, like Slipknot, but sung by a woman). All I wanted to do was to grab that guy, kill him, rip him, drag him through the mud and spread pieces of his body all over. That phase ended a few days ago, I already sent him an e-mail saying I was sorry for any problems I have caused to him, for anything wrong I could have done and I am waiting for an answer. I know that he might say nothing, but at least he knows I am here for him if he needs with no regrets. I kept my head up, I kept my self love, I could not blame him for something I wished but he didn't. It was his heart and my heart in the other side of the line. Each one of us felt what each other's heart was saying and I felt it wrong. I am happy now, I am myself. I just need distance of that feeling, that weird feeling, that "almost-love-you-baby-you-rock-me-on"... I need to stay alone, the more the loneliness hurts me, I need to re-build my inner again and that will only make me good! It will bring me a brand new air, a good air to breathe again.
I returned to my art, almost after one year without painting, without writing poems, without singing with my weird soprano-like-voice-attemp' or singing Fado, for my own delight. Yeah, I sing for my own delight, the worse I sing... It's for me only! Maybe when my metal band is complete, I can male those things for the world, but for now, it's me! Yeah, it's me!
And like I said on E.'s friend's blog: "Just because it's good"! Just because it's good to! It sounds nice! Really nice!!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Rising up again


I am coming up again... I have been down for a while. Away while I was working in that restaurant I mentioned so many times, because of my lack of time, my lack of willing to write or my lack of anything else. Now, I am unemployed once again, but for my soul, it's OK in a certain measure, because I am feeling in the right moods to write my poems, to try to write them in English, to paint again, to go on rewriting my stories, to singing again.
Like a phoenix, I am rising from my ashes, from what was left of my soul and I will use it for painting... In the mood I was feeling in the last few days, I could write about sadness, emptiness, killing someone and drag his body on the mud... Painting, writing pages and pages on it, but my soul is peaceful now. Peaceful in a way I can call it peaceful... For some people if they saw my soul, they would see that my castle is still burning, that the war is just finishing, but I know this is an endless war... just like the phoenix, I am rising from my ashes. I am learning to love myself the way I am, I am learning to love some things in life... I know that people say it is too short, but for me it is so long and I have time for so many things. The only thing I think that's short in life is the fact of being young... After 28 years old, I will feel old, but till there, I still have 7 years left and they will take too long passing by!
More news later... I need to following on listening to Amália Rodrigues, on re-writing my diary, on re-writing some of my old stories, lost when my old Computer wrecked, to write more poems... I need to keep living and breathing my art... Maybe later, I will come back!! Maybe...