Thursday, October 25, 2012

Thunderstorm

And it's raining as if the sky was tearing apart. Tears of Gods and/or Goddesses! Lightenings rippping the sky, thunders breaking the silence. My mobile vibrates, as my mum's calling me (it's 5 a.m., seems the world is ending and I do not show up, neither answer the phone. I prefer to stand the yellings at home).I look through the glass and I am seing the rain drops hitting the glass violently: there's a kind of peace way too big in this scenarium; far in the horizon, the tower of the church with the blue cross.

I am thinking and daydreaming on one converstaion that a girl have had with me yesterday. Her idea of me immigrating would be due to the narrow minds in this country, the lack of chances: I am fine with the lack of chances, since I am in my country and narrow minds don't deal with me! But since yesterday, I have seriously thought on those girl's words: they're serious and honest and she was drunk. From the drunk's mouth comes the most honest truth: it is knows that even children lie, how could not a drunk woman pretend any kind of concerning?


My back and my butt hurt, I am sitting in this chair for hours. I am thinking on the walk down the avenue, through the park and through my apartment's door: my mother will be waiting for me, like a dragon in the dark, so she can yells at her will. It's heavily raining, so I doubt that any kind of robbers or even my murderer might be outside. The rain is my angel in this night, but still is this kind of weather the cause of my depressive thoughts of the latest days, or so I think/believe!


I have just rolled one cigarette: one last for the walk that's waiting me. And this is how I am closing this post: staring at the smoke, trying to discover any nice/beautiful drawings in it. Perhaps there's a ghost coming off the smoke of my cigarette, perhaps my soul's starts floating and abandins my dead body in this chair.


Who knows? Who would ever care?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Card Games

I am at my friend's C. house. There are her boyfriend, his cousin and his cousin's husband here too. They are playing cards. I want to play too, but the game allow four people to play only. So I am here, in front of the laptop, typing this entry, right after I have been seing my Facebook, seing some pictures, posting some stuffs... Still pondering on deleting my Facebook account, althought I won't do it now. Perhaps I won't do it AT ALL, but still is a good thing to think about. Perhaps, I might think on creating the so famous second account, but without being the secret account that I was wanting to create, due to some ideas for another blog.

I hear the cards hitting the table, after my friend picks them. I want to play! They talk, comment on the game and laugh. I simply get foccused on the laptop's keyboard and on the laptop's screen. They laugh out loud and do anoither comment and I take a glimpse and the gambling group.

Card games... We could think on tarot deck, cards being thrown on the table, smoke of cigars. I hear one of them talking about leaving and I am now thinking on the streets that I have to walk. Perhaps it's raining outside. Perhaps the sky is clean and it'll allow me to see the moon (which is the mon's phase tonight?).

I am not sure of what I do want from life. Today, I am not even sure if I want to keep going on this life. It's a phase. It's always a phase. Feeling sad is part of me, although I am not mentioning it all the time. My desire of Death is here either, but I am not mentioning it either. I still feel the burning fire within my soul, but I prefer to shut it up and keep it for poetry. Poetry is now my haven: used to paint, but decided to stop until I mange to study again. There's no job in sight yet, but I do want to get back to my studies, if I get a job which allows me to.

I am leaving in a few minutes, but my thoughts will follow me.

Monday, October 22, 2012

3 blogs, 3 entries

And here goes the entry number 3! i will niot complain again on the computer which hasn't read my DVD, so I can not listen to the music. I will not complain on my terrible mood either. I will not complain on the €0,50 I have spent uselessly: they are spent now, so there's no turn back. Complaining will not solve it!

I have exactly three blogs at this moment: I am planning on leaving a link to any other blog of mine, if I get a "central blog", where all the blogs will go. In the other side, I am also thinking on simply deleting these blogs: they are worthless, useless (are they?)! I think that they can be a waste of my time and money (yes, money, as I have to pay for half an hour of internet to come here), from times to times. I pay for the half an hour of Internet, simply to blog. There are days that I don't even open the Facebook or Twitter. What for? To see the same complaints over and over? To see some people seeking attention, in an endless quest?? Nah, thanks! I have already thought on deleting my Facebook account... I have had serious "fights" with myself: some voices within me say "yes, go for it, delete that wicked account", while others say: "no, keep it, think of the people who you keep in touch due to that social-shit!". My social life does not depends on Facebook and this way, I wouldn't read to the same old complaints. My family knows whom has my mobile number, so if they want to contact me, they can always give it a try: I just can't promise that I won't tell them to fuck themselves! But these longings are nothing: they will have to be decided in time and once the decision is made, I will need to have my own computer and Internet, because half an hour will not be enough. One hour won't be enough.

This is the third entry, but this is my first blog! I am deleting one of the entries and typing a new one: I do not feel comfortable with what has been typed and published in it, so I do need to try, before the warning of time out.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Depressed and without patience

Looks like the clouds came down from the sky just to bring my mood down too! Looks like that people's attitudes serve the only purpose to hurt us! I don't want to walk all that way to go and drink one coffee, which means I am not good at all! I don't want to walk all that way, with you or alone, to drink a wicked coffee, and you said: "don't worry, I won't call you ever again!". Yeah, right, mum! I won't wake me up for that again, until the next time!

I am moody! I am sad and rather depressed! Why? I don't know! I wish it was this easy to know the source of our sadness/depression, to cut the crap by the root/source! But I really don't know why I am feeling this sad... Perhaps, I am right when I type about the clouds: since Autumn/Fall started, that I have noticed a higher rating of bad/depressive feelings and days with me. I have never noticed this before, but I do notice it now! I like Autumn/Fall, but I love Winter even more: what if I get even more depressed when Winter comes?? Summer looks too far now, although it's a hot day today... But the clouds... oh the clouds!!

I'd better shut this tearweep-like-entry here, before I start dripping all my sorrows here... and I don't want to start it again!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Wreck Of My Last Computer

SO my last computer wrecked... Tried to write something and the screen suddendly started shrinking, trembling and it only lasted a lightened line in the middle of the screen itself. I am not going to be paranoid... No, I am not... going... to... be... paranoid...!!!

In the end, the computer simply reacted to the use it had: none, but gaming. And not online gaming, but stupid games that you put a CD running and you find out that most games are children games. No creativity at all and the last time that i have typed handwriten poems has been a while ago. But the wreck of this last computer also came to remind me that nothing lasts forever and that I can not count on anyone else to help/solve my problems for me: It's my dutty to move my lazy ass and improve what I have been pretty lazy to do so.

Walked down the avenue and I was planning on what I wanted to write again. I realised how useless it was: in the end, what I have planned wouldn't come out. My mind could go blank. I could not find the cash to come on over here. Countless options that could lead to the mistyping of this entry. But the main thing is said: that wicked computer is wrecked! I am sick, got a bit more of cold last night and here I am, almost can't breathe, to eat and brush my teeth, while trying to breathe from my mouth is kind of a magic work. My head and my eyes are hurting, but I have no fever, otherwise I would be like high: feeling like floating, but without any drugs in my system. Oh well, time to close this here and to try to find some of my eye candy!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Caring Not = Excellence

Caring not would be the excellence of my actions, especially to myself! I would be better in my life and with my life itself! I would be happier! But no, I do care quite much with the others, that I almost forget of myself! I don't want to know why the fuck did you took such action: I do care and in other circumstances I would be looking for an answer for your action, little brat, but I don't want to be bothered with m,ore phonecalls like the one from your father last night, telling me that you're in the hospital again, possibly because you have tried to kill yourself again (you're 18!) and that you have run away from home, picked a train and did a trip of 3 hours and half inside a train, to reach almost 400 km's away! You want to go? Then just go! I do care, but I don't want to be bothered again!

I have tried to reach this far, by finding healtier and happier ways to cross the surface of the planet and to go through this life. I do drink and smoke hash (not healtier, but happier), I do listen to music (healtier and happier!), I do walk distances quite big, big enough for people to call me of crazy. At this moment, I am listening this chill out music from Spain. I am daydreaming, but my daydreaming goes darker, because all I can imagine is your fucking and bloody funeral! I am so sorry that I am not writing my sad notes... I am so sorry that my tone sounds so pissed off... But, esxcuse me, brat, I AM PISSED OFF! In a few minutes, my time here in the Internet, will end and I will not be able to keep listening to such songs, which are calming me down! So you'd better not ask for me tomorrow, when my mother takes the time and the effort to visit you, or I'd find a way to visit you and I will spank you in the hospital!

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Daydreaming

Sometimes, I do imagine myself living the same kind of Life that Julie Roberts on "Pretty Woman" and I do imagine my own richard Gere coming and rescuing me. Then I simply fall off the bed and do wake up!

A while ago, got my eyes trapped in a very sexy man: the dude was with the traffic policeman uniform, my eyes were nailed at his wonderful face, arms and ass and I almost forgot my real intention, which was to cross the road!

Monday, October 08, 2012

Last nigh, picked up a few papers that I have written. Some of them, were with accounts online infos. Others, were self-suggestions of games I used to play, the ways to improve my "life" in such games. Instead having the papers occupying space in my desk, I decided to type them, add some new infos and save them on a USB pen. Better start from little things, than not starting at all! And that's not the only thing I am wanting to start doing... Writing would be a blessing, but most of my time in my own comuter is occupied by playing the same old game, that I have played countless times, before having internet at home. Now I am without Internet at home, once again, needing to pay €1 everytime I want to come around. But well... i typed around 800 poems (I handwrite them, originally, only type them and change anything that displeases me at the time), have a few more to type and it'll happen someday/night soon. I am already feeling that urge to type those that have been written after all that work typing the previous ones. It might happen that I put the effort on typing original stuffs too.

I am in the Internet, or you wouldn't be reading this. I see now why the hell do check Facebook, Twitter and all the other stuffs only after have typed in my blogs. Messages entering: people doing me some proposals, people messaging me: they miss me or my letters, people typing to me, typing to me, typing to me... A neverending flood of poeple typing to me! But things are said. Such as it has happened quite a lot lately, I think on what I do want to write and when I am in front of the computer, with the keyboard cracking under my fingers, almost fuming the way I type fast (that's the reason for so many mistakes, as i don't check the text after typing it), I do have a blank mind. Nothing to be said! Nothing to be typed! and it could be months until the next entry... and perhaps it would be for the very best!

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

LOG OUT

Simply logging out Twitter and Facebook! I have seen what I had to see! I have read what I had to read! I have found out what I had to find out! Tried to write an entry, previously, but nothing's coming out, so here I am, doing one last attempt, althoguh I have a very good feeling this time! The kid on the cdomputer by my side keeps staring at my computer and keeps getting up and sitting down. He goes and speaks with the kids two computers by my left. He annoys me! He botters me! I could get unfoccused of my point, but this is not happening: curse of the Devil or gift of the Gods? Who knows? And who cares?

I just realised that the only place where my writings don't have any strings attaching my words and ideas, is here, on my blogs, or in my diary. In any other thing/support I compromise myself to write, with any other idea, I always choose carefully my words. I don't want to sound miseducated or careless about my writings. And my ideas wouldn't sound any bad or any wrong, they would sound a bit rude or harsh in the way I would write them. If those voices in my head were completely unleashed, without any kind of control, they would end up sounding a bit rude or harsh (such as i previously mentioned), some of them would sound mean, perhaps racist...

Ideas, ideas, ideas! Voices! Phrases! Single words! Places!

I wish, sometimes, I could log my mind/soul out, the same way we log facebook or twitter accounts out! If it was this simple, perhgaps some stuffs would be easier, but it wouldn't be so funny!