Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Losing The Line Of Thought... And a Guitar!!

One more night out, knowing it'll be another day of work tomorrow, though I don' care about my rest. I don't care... I really don't!

One more night spent in the caffé, drinking, talkng, laughing, smoking, being what people call of bohemian... Being whatever it can be, but dong something to remind myself I am alive! I was happily happy *devilish giggle*. I went to a caffé I do love with a friend of mine and there were one of the guys of the caffé playing guitar and singing, with live music. It was splendid. I once wrote an entry on ths blog, while I was at their computer and I sddendly saw their guitar lid net to me.
People singing... Laughing... Drinking... Having fun... And I, suddendly, falling apart in a depressive state of soul... Amália sings in one of her musics "La Fiesta sono é commenciata I é já finita" (The party just begun and it's already over) and it fits me well. That's why I avoid parties, nights at discos or bars or anything like that. I do feel bored, in despair, sad... I miss the time I was able to be happy, I miss the time when despair was not a constant thing. I miss the time I wasn't in constant changing. I miss... I miss... I miss... Why do I miss so much? What do I miss so much? What am I longing for? What? Why? When? Despair, despair, despair... Changing... Lack of anything...
Is this the shitty poet or fadista's soul everyone's talks about? Well, then I wanna cut it out and let all this blood flows and feel nothing anymore... I wanna be away from here... I wanna leave... I wanna leave and never come back!

So, it's the time to go back on Turtles and on Paulinho's caffé and let Turtles pick the guitar, to play and sing. Man, pick up the guitar and play for my delight!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Voice...

Here's Amália Rodrigues. She's my diva. The one I love, the one Imourn for when I wake up. I am listening to her songs, one of them called "Sombra" (Shadow). It's aout one decadent and dependent love. About when a woman gets addicted in one man, about the dawn as a healer for her wounds. Like if the moon was the antidote, made in one orane juie with moon powder.
Amália take me into another dimensions, her voice goes too deep in my soul. I adore her. I am too highed to say anything without feeling ridiculous and patetic, but it's something I say, sobber or highed: AMÁLIA FOREVER!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

By The Way

It's a weird thing I always choose female images, when it's about anything. Well, it wouldn't be that weird if I wasn't a gay guy!
By the way, I've been in such a depressive state of mind or of soul or of spirit, as you prefer to make the interpretation. It's almost like if I wasn't allowed to feel happy, satisfied, with a bigger hunger for life. I should be able to go out at night and feel good at a disco or a bar, be able to laugh quite easily, but Ihate the simple idea of enterng a bar or a disco, go to the dancefloor, mix with the "normal" human being, feeling my body being touched from all over, feeling those house style, trance or hatever it takes at he disco musics sounding out loud, making my brain jumping, like a little bit of salt in the fire.
I do feel like a mad thing. I do feel like a crazy, like an eccentic stuff, unable to be happy. There's something which happens, when women are kidnapped by the bad guys, when they are rich and fall in love with the law transgressor, it's associated to something like the bored emperetress. That's a bit like I feel, a bore emperetress, with no way to feel good or satisfied.
When I do let myself falling into a normal state of those who need to feel loved, when I do look at couples and feel sad because I am alone, I imagine two girls of pop music, some of the few pop stuff I still listen, t.A.T.u.. I recall to my memory the song "Not Gonna Get Us", where they're running away from something in a stolen truck. I magine how it would be great to have a guy with car, running with me away from here, with no Destiny, with no place to stop. Just going, being driven through roads. Going away, with someone who loved me. Butthere's no dreams or fantasies taking me out of serious!HA!
I feel I am returning to my art. My art is my lungs, my fortress, my secret place. I do used to paint, but 5 years ago, I've been diagnosed with a depression and since I took anti-depressive medicines, I quit painting, writing, etc. I am now tring to fight this place in-between nowhere inside of me and trying to unleash my creativity. I might not be talented, but I have love and passion for what I do and that's something which many of those talented people lacks of: passion!
And for passion, I am trying to get another band, since my band with my fiends broke up, two years ago. But when I was trying to be a Nightwish like band, as I can sing some things like Tara used to do, we had nothing to do, since they tried to change my style. I am not looking for a band of Metal, or no only Metal. I wanna be able to do something more creative, trying many different soundscapes, but with Metal as a basis. Naming some bands or singers as influence, Nightwish (Tarja's Era), Draconian (my beloved ones), Otep, MM, Elend and a few more. Some of my other influences of bands, are some of my myspace friends, with bands or artist's profile. I just need to work it out, I need to find the musicians, Ineed to keep on the track for them, but they're not coming up, they're not appearing...! Though I keep on fighting, I feel weaker each passing day.. I won't be giving up that easy, but it's hard to deal with, the failure, the frustration...
Goddammit! I need more... So much more!!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Though this is an image from "Jack The Ripper", it serves me quite well.
I do ask if vampires exists, because I do wake up every morning feeling tired, my body hurting, like if I had been walking all night long. Sometimes, when I do not smoke weed at night, I do feel like my head was foggy, like I could barely see a few meters in front of me. It's like if I get hipnotised every night and go for walks in the city, like if something was calling me to the wild evrynight and it was sucking all my energy out. I do need answers. I do need rest. I do need PEACE!
That's all I need to get.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I'm floating... I feel like a ballon that a child left to fly and with no destiny, but the infinity. The blue or the darkened sky. A tree.
There's something within me, burning me out,making me falling, like a collapsing building. I feel like nothing could stop me. At the same time, I feel like I was needing lots of alcohol and weed to be able to stand eveything...
It seems like everything was going to explode, like if I was going to blow up, to fly and then crash down... There's no right mood to be described right here and right now... There's no feelings... There's no joy... There's no sadness... There's no anger... Just a huge hole inside my chest!
I need to walk... I need to feel the streets... The wind in my face... My mp3 playing out loud in my ears... The cars in the road... Passing people... The night... The moon shining far in the sky, lightining the darkest streets... I just need to walk, to listen to my songs and forget about the world, about the dangers out there...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Elizabeth V.

There's a girl who surprises me more and more... Her name is Elizabeth, she's a Greek girl, but she's my goddess. Despite I am gay, she's the one I'd fall in love with, if I could or if I had a chance. She's a girl I adore, the kinda friend I'd love to be able to hold for a lifetime. The kinda person that the more I know her, the more she surprises me. There's a lot of things about her I just love. There's many others that I will earn to hate.. But what can make me feel a little hate for her? I can not imagine anything for now...
I read her first post on blogspot.com and reading the most recent ones, it's way too different from the person I know. Too "young", too fresh, still able to feel comfortable about the simple idea of human touch and warmt. She evolved with passing years. She turnt into a more secure woman. She's one of the most perfect beings I know. And she... She is just Elizabeth!
http://indigojester.blogspot.com If you feel curious about her!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Between Fear And Despair

I am going crazy... Every single day that passes by, I believe more and more in that... I am more and more unstable. I smile as quick as I weep and yell. I walk as fast as I run. I scream as fast as I whisper.

I mean, it's being a little bit chaotic... Fear... Despair... Sadness... Happiness... Joy... Too many things and one single brain... Going under? I don't think so! Maybe rising from my ashes, to fall again, and then again, to rise up... Over and over till my dying day. Till my departure day! And it's what makes of me what I am! :)

Friday, March 06, 2009


It's the time I start to listen to a song and suddendly I feel affraid of something. I can't explain what's scaring me away, till I feel chills on my bones. The Gazette are playing "People Error" on youtube and I do listen to this song over and over again causing me such chills and making me doing a trip to the inner of my soul. I feel I could go to the window, spread my wings and fly.
Out there, the night is calling for me. The rain is falling strongly, but it's like a thousnad of fairies are caling for me. My dragon awaits. The moon wants to shine, but the clouds are covering her way. The city is like a maze, for me. It's like there's something awaiting for me. My lover? My killer? My guardians? My demons? Who knows?
Suddendly, it won some kind of a crazy meaning inside of me... The chills goes on... The night doesn't stops... In two hours, I'll get up to go to work... But I am a bit scared of closing my eyes and going to sleep...
Time to leave... To shut my eyes... The leave my body rest for a while... To leave my breathe goes down... I am going to smoke a cigarette in the window, watching the night passing by ad then, sleep for half an hour...

Monday, March 02, 2009

Old Times... And Rage Against All The Odds

It's the time to call the old times. It's the time I cry hard and feel nothing inside. Like an hollow tree, I feel empty inside, feelingless. Thetre's nothing to grab now. Things changed, places changed, even people changed. People themselves, people around me, people to deal with. I changed. It's sad, because I look back and there are they: happy, with no concernings, with no worries. I look in front and I see nothing. Blank, Black White, nothing... emptiness. That's all the left me.
I fear I have lost them forever. I fear they have me forever. I fear I have lost my path and now it's too late to go back and fight.
Thinsgs are really diferent. People, me, the world. Things changed.
I have writen in my portuguese blog (http://angelalucardpt.blogspot.com/) today, one entry, now I am writing here, as a mad. Because people who we deal with, in real life, in internet, through mobile calls or text messages, they have an influence in how we feel. And sometimes, they are part of or present ut they came from a long gone past and we're the few remaining ones. And it0's unavoidable to remind and recall past. And me and L., we're doing this: Recaling past, recalling old feelins and sensations. And though there'slots of sadness involved in past desapearing, all this sdness is good. We're stronger, we can fight and go back on fights of everything which was real important for us: for me, my art! For her, our friendship and her oyfriend! for me: our friendship and my imagination. For her: me, her and others.
All is good, when we have the right people next to us!

Sunday, March 01, 2009


That's the way things are going lately. More than metal, my basis, but that I have so much to know about yet, I have heard more dark wave and dark electro, like Blutengel or E Nomine, and I have filled my mp3 with many of their stuffs I own on my laptop. I have heard so few Fado and so few Metal, that I have found myself strange. I have heard a few of chill out or new age songs, especially when I am ina Zen state, highed, has you wish. I have felt lately like a friend of mine said: "A mixture of hippie with goth". What means that I am a gothic hippie... O maybea hippie goth! Funny!

My use of myspace has let me meet many amateurs bands, of metal, Hardcore, Grindcore, Industrial and such. Many good bands, ome of them with long curriculas, but that the lack of support makes them anonimous to most of the audience.

I have been fine... Calm, more soft in many things... I have smiled a lot, lately! But I stillcannot avoid the feeling of defeat in the end of one more day!It's hard, at night... But I always find a solution... and like the shadow I am, I wlk the streets at night, foccused on my way and on the tuns playing out loud onto my ears and that's only me and my imagination working to the world!