I'll write down a short thing, like a short story, I've been imaginating 5 minutes ago some words and I'll try to work a little thing down!
He's gone by now. We fought really hard, we yelled at each other. He's a cop and I am a bandit. Really hard to combine, but something matched with us. But he's a cop and he has just arrived from job. I was awaken at 4 am, waiting for him and thingsne wrg, when we tried to chat at that moment... Then the fight came. He lft, hitted the door and the soft rain out there turnt into a strong storm. Large drops of water was hitting the glass like a little melody. I've been with the window wide open for about an hour and he didn't came. The I just put wool shirt and gone to the streets. I asketo the employer about him, but he told me: "No, Tom! Jim didn't came around here". I left and kept walking in the middle of the rain, till I went home. The sun has already rised and when I walked in the bedroom, he was laid over the bed, with his muscular body uncovered. He just unleashed a smile and called me. I laid nex to him and fell aslept in his arms... Never a dream has seemed so bad for me... But reality hurted much more... But all is fine! All is fine...
Hope ya like it! Too lame for me...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
I am highed... I just read E.'s and Ludi's blogs, I commented them and now I am here... But E. named the post "NOT FUNNY" and it was so funny in the end. Ludi wrote a pst about Groupies and ideas and thought the matter of those two posts were different, they was so looke like to each other... Somehow, they really did... And I was working something out in my mind... And something worked out with the weed I smoked... And something made a light be turnt on in my mind and other something turnt it off. And I wanna stop being like this... I do not mean I am addicted... This shitty thing doesn't addicts people... I mean, I would like to stop being so instable. I would like to be able to feel things in a "harder" way, a littl bit like a masculine straight man of my age. But I feel things just too much... I am moody, my instability on my mood changes is too bad... Unsatisfied about everything... Never confortable...Nights without sleeping... Smoking weed and boozing to "stay alive"... Working oo hard and not gettin paid... Too many thoughts, to much weed and one single night...
I am feeling confused... Affraid of my own soul... Neding to create and like an unavailable womb, aborting the ideas, the confusion, instead of creating the perfect child of mine... Soon, I'll wake up... And I'll realise that I have the power in my hands to change... I am just behaving like someone who has a fat ass and I am not moving it to anything, but to scratch it... WRONG! I need stop being like the american movies' fat guys, moving in the couch, with a t-shirt and his underwear only on, with popcorns over his pregnant look belly and the remot control in the hand...*goth save me*
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tonight I feel like dancing... Tonight I would love to feel like a gypsy or like one of those nomades arabian guys. I am listening to an arabian song, after hanging to the caffé and ee my god daughter, who's pregnant of 5 months. I do love her, she's way too important for me and we've been a few months without seing each other and tonigt I met her at the caffé. We've been together talking, having fun and so on... I can not describe the feeling I had when I saw her. It was so magical!! She's really, really important for me!!
Tonight I have the best reasons for smiling!! Toight I feel I could dance all night longand in the morning going for work, still dancing and face a whole day of work and hard feelings!! I feel I could do this all my life, being this way, behaving this way, but I know it's not forever lasting. This greatness feeling will not last forever! But I wanna enjoy it while it lasts... My hips are shaking while my ass is sat in the chair. My body shakes at the arabian sounds!!
This night is just feeling great insideof me... My lack of time, my lac of money, my problems seems way too far tonight and I wanna hold this great feeling... Let's have fun tonight, sobber, content, joyful... I wanna be next to a fireplace and shaking my body, while a group of people plays some intruments... I need to let my mind flow, as it's creates inside, to implode to the paper... Mayb it's the beggning of the creation!! So let me be!!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
A few minutes ago, I was in the caffé with my aunt and I came out there to smoke. It was raining softly and the cars was passing in the road. I missed the times I was in the car and i was raining out there. I saw a couple inside one car and I imagined myself in side one car with a HOT guy next to me driving me through a highway in high-speed and Tarja singing this song. I couldnt hear anything out there, only her voice. Suddendly, that car crashed and an accident happened. I was stucked inside the car, with n salvtion and while my lungs started stop breathing, her voice was there... Slowly I as dying and I was listening to her voice, calling me from the beyond. The car was smashed in the road. The guy would be OK, only a few scratches... Firemen and policemen was trying to save me, but I couldn't listen to them... Only Tarja's voice...
A long high way... A car running in high-speed with two guys inside... Tarja's voice, singing "Ave Maria"... The car crash... And in the end, the voice and this song...
I've been in Lisbon, going for walks, and in the main avenues, in the squares, it seemed I was in the middle of a movie. This song made feel very well along the day. While I was passing in the squares, pigeons started to fly, like we see in those movies which seems to be passed in Italy. I almost can't describe it... I am going to dinner to my aunt's place, once again, and I'll be listening to this song all along the way walking. and it'll surely feel good!
Leave me enjoy the rain, leave me enjoy the walk, leave me enjoy the song and the wonderful voice singing it! Just leave alone for a while, please! *Sweetened voice, holding a black rose in my hands* :)
Friday, May 08, 2009
A light can shine above our heads!! It's like if we're having an epiphany... We discover the secrets of the world. The secrets of our origin. The secrets of people's behaviour. The secret of madness inside certain souls.
I realised that part of my madness is due to those I have lost in my life. Irealised that I have not a base of sanity, so I do behave in certain degrees ofmadness that "normal people" can't reach. The so called normal people have problems to the behaviour of some people like me. If I wear black, I have had a lost, I am satanic and a HUGE list of things that just can't be listed here, or I would spend all night long in front of the laptop. Perhaps I would lose the birthday of my friend.
I just think that part of what I am is due to the things which happened in mylife. We're the result of what we'e lived. That's not all. Part of us is he result of what life did of us. Part of us exists thanks to the lfe experiences we've earnt, but there are some things which was born with us. Our being, in it's whole, is the result of our life's experiences plus what was born with us. Some of us were born to be artists, others engineers, others Judges or lawyers, etc., etc.. That's it!
But why does this answer doesn't satisfy me? Why am I still longing for something? Anyone can explain me? Or is it just a mistery, that we live to demand for it??
Maybe answers come soon... Or maybe they never come... That's all!!
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
There's a song I didn't heard for years... Sometimes I went to youtube to search for it. Not exactly my kinda music, but a good song, for good times. I still remeber when I heard this song for the very first time. I remember when Fugees came out with this girl, singing this song! I still remeber when I was younger, living near a place called Famões with my aunt only. Those wre the best times of my entire life.
Tonight I came to dinner to my aunt's place and it was like if I have found a memories box and like if I was on my knees, touching the old things which were important for me. She no longer lives in he same place, but I am at her place, me and her, dinning, talking, with no fights, with no screams... Things seems to have gone back to the past, when it was only me and her nd it's a good feeling! A really good feeling! Sorry to those who can be shocked by my music choice for tonight, but I felt a nostalgia, a melancholia calling for me by far, but it hasn't sadened me, so I decided to share it with all those who still read my lines...
I was wanting to write lots of things... i was wanting to describe the way I was feeling quite fine today, the happiness I woke up with no reason why,the way I felt so good all day long, but this great time a my aunt's place gave me a strenght to write a better thing, to describe a better feeling, to go further in my "memories box" and see if I found agood reason for happiness.
Hope things go this way in the following times... Just not listening to fugees! *evil cackle*
I feel like if I was having a fatal time; I mean fatal, just because I smoking about 40 cigarettes a day, I don't drink alcohol very often, but when I do I drink just too much, or I do like in the other night, I drank a lot and I smoke weed, so I felt bad. I am going a little bit suicidal, like my friend/costumer in the caffé said. It's sad! It's really sad!! I wanna change, but there's no way to. I wanna feel alive,but I am just too frozen inside. I wanna feel happy witgh the idea of viiting a disco or a bar, but I just feel bored there. People are boring and scaring me away, once again. What to do? What...?