Thursday, May 28, 2009

When we're thinking...

I've been watching some guys' profiles on a agy guys website and there's something I' been readingso much lately: "I want cool boys". I am cool... "Easy going and fun guys". I am easy ging and fun... "Peopl who likes and knows how to enjoy life". I do! That's something that bothers me lately... Just because I feel just a little bit too much things, just because I do wrshp Death, it doesn't means I don't smile, I am not funny, I am not loveable, I am not worth of anything from anyone. It doesn't means I'm nothing more but a darkened clothed guy, sad and always listening to music in the mp3. Just try to find me, just dre tot ouch within me and you'll see...

I'll write down a short thing, like a short story, I've been imaginating 5 minutes ago some words and I'll try to work a little thing down!

He's gone by now. We fought really hard, we yelled at each other. He's a cop and I am a bandit. Really hard to combine, but something matched with us. But he's a cop and he has just arrived from job. I was awaken at 4 am, waiting for him and thingsne wrg, when we tried to chat at that moment... Then the fight came. He lft, hitted the door and the soft rain out there turnt into a strong storm. Large drops of water was hitting the glass like a little melody. I've been with the window wide open for about an hour and he didn't came. The I just put wool shirt and gone to the streets. I asketo the employer about him, but he told me: "No, Tom! Jim didn't came around here". I left and kept walking in the middle of the rain, till I went home. The sun has already rised and when I walked in the bedroom, he was laid over the bed, with his muscular body uncovered. He just unleashed a smile and called me. I laid nex to him and fell aslept in his arms... Never a dream has seemed so bad for me... But reality hurted much more... But all is fine! All is fine...

Hope ya like it! Too lame for me...

Monday, May 25, 2009

I can not name this post... Not by a lack of imagination, no for fear of fail, not for anything in particular... Maybe for everything in particular. Maybe because I m highed (it might sound ordinary, lately), but I set my imagination freer when I am highed, like tonight. That's somethign good and bad at the same time. Like when we washed cartoons and when someone needs it's conscience, imadatelly appears one angel near one hear a a horny little devil in the other. *hehe*

I am highed... I just read E.'s and Ludi's blogs, I commented them and now I am here... But E. named the post "NOT FUNNY" and it was so funny in the end. Ludi wrote a pst about Groupies and ideas and thought the matter of those two posts were different, they was so looke like to each other... Somehow, they really did... And I was working something out in my mind... And something worked out with the weed I smoked... And something made a light be turnt on in my mind and other something turnt it off. And I wanna stop being like this... I do not mean I am addicted... This shitty thing doesn't addicts people... I mean, I would like to stop being so instable. I would like to be able to feel things in a "harder" way, a littl bit like a masculine straight man of my age. But I feel things just too much... I am moody, my instability on my mood changes is too bad... Unsatisfied about everything... Never confortable...Nights without sleeping... Smoking weed and boozing to "stay alive"... Working oo hard and not gettin paid... Too many thoughts, to much weed and one single night...

I am feeling confused... Affraid of my own soul... Neding to create and like an unavailable womb, aborting the ideas, the confusion, instead of creating the perfect child of mine... Soon, I'll wake up... And I'll realise that I have the power in my hands to change... I am just behaving like someone who has a fat ass and I am not moving it to anything, but to scratch it... WRONG! I need stop being like the american movies' fat guys, moving in the couch, with a t-shirt and his underwear only on, with popcorns over his pregnant look belly and the remot control in the hand...*goth save me*

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Gypsy Feeling!!!

Tonight I feel like dancing... Tonight I would love to feel like a gypsy or like one of those nomades arabian guys. I am listening to an arabian song, after hanging to the caffé and ee my god daughter, who's pregnant of 5 months. I do love her, she's way too important for me and we've been a few months without seing each other and tonigt I met her at the caffé. We've been together talking, having fun and so on... I can not describe the feeling I had when I saw her. It was so magical!! She's really, really important for me!!

Tonight I have the best reasons for smiling!! Toight I feel I could dance all night longand in the morning going for work, still dancing and face a whole day of work and hard feelings!! I feel I could do this all my life, being this way, behaving this way, but I know it's not forever lasting. This greatness feeling will not last forever! But I wanna enjoy it while it lasts... My hips are shaking while my ass is sat in the chair. My body shakes at the arabian sounds!!

This night is just feeling great insideof me... My lack of time, my lac of money, my problems seems way too far tonight and I wanna hold this great feeling... Let's have fun tonight, sobber, content, joyful... I wanna be next to a fireplace and shaking my body, while a group of people plays some intruments... I need to let my mind flow, as it's creates inside, to implode to the paper... Mayb it's the beggning of the creation!! So let me be!!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Around and about...

It was such a strange day... I slept all night long, like I haven't doe for a long, long time. I must confess, I arrived very tired from my job, but I just turnt laptop ON, when I sat in the other couch and fell aslept.
Today, I woke up soon and I was feeling great. I woke up with a smile in my lips, I went to work with that same smile. I kept all day long with that smile and I almost ended up the day with that smile. But I didn't. Suddendly, a sweetened sadness came along and it took over me very slowly. Rght now, I'm a bit highed *once again*, but I can feel that sadness. That's a weird thing like how, in the end of the day, when I was supposed t be happy with the idea of leaving and going home, I was not. Perhaps, it was the idea of having nothing in particular waiting for me out here.
Right now, there's a song of Mariza, "Morada Aberta" (Open Address), playing in the laptop and it's about a love which was gone, like when she left her love wandering around. It's weird like me, the anti-love guy is now feling trapped for this shitty kinda feelings. Sometimes, I just wish I had a Cop waiting for me, laid naed in my bed, desireful to fuck me and in the end, we'll be sleeping huged. In theother hand, I wiss my bed continues empty, to hug only my sadness and melancholy. To embrace my loneliness and my frozen body, in a Winter night, naked laid in the bed.
That's weird... Even more weird, is the fact that I am very calm about this thing. Maybe it's the weed I smoked... Maybe I am just learning to deal with this kinda feelings... Bu I feel a storm of changes coming by. Let's see if it'll be for good or for a bad way. Let's see...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Not the right night...

To talk about sadness. Not the right night to keep tracking on what I miss more, or what I wish more for the next days. Not the right night to brag about my sadness or melancholia, longing for inspiration for painting, for writing, for publishing my poetries, for anything which drives nut or that makes me sad. Not the right night for writing what I miss or the kinda man (or men) I need.
Weird, but tonight I am a little above that! Tonight I wish to say I can be happy. Toight I wanna show I can smile. TOnight I wanna say I can love, despite I run out of love, because I am just too afraid to let someone make a little bit of sense in my life. I don't want to admit I can feel love, I just don't feel it, because I walk away anytime I'm close to fall in love. I don't want to feel that loveable feeling of stupidity, of losing my reason, of doing idiotic stuffs (I already do) because someone in special. I am trying to let myself go, but now I am wishing to let myself fall in love, there's no one wishing for that. Better for me, everyone's looking for a magical fuck. If you don't know magical fucs, it's something like: "I´m a magician, I give a fuck and I disappear". AHAH! Yeah, maybe that's the best, so I don't go further in me and discover that in the bottom of my heart there's mud, for so long time with no use. Keep me tracking for someone in special and always feeling disapointed, for a little detail no one even notices, but I see it and that ack of "perfection", makes me feel uninterested for that person. That makes my heart turn stone to that kinda love! And now... Now I am letting myself go! Go with the wind, to the arms (or to the lap?) of that special person, floating without destiny.
Today I wanna say I love to listen Ana Moura in my blog. Amália Rodrigues always the best for me.. I heard to Amáia since I am a little child and now, ten years after her death,I still listen to her song, like someone listen to church's musics! She's like my religion, my goddess in many things. But I am listening to Ana Moura, a young fadista (fado singer) who has a strong emotional voice. And the Fado lyrics, Love, Sadness, Melancholy, Joy too... Fado is the perfect sound track for my life, accompanied by some metal songs and ballads. And Amália is the Fadista I on the soundtrack on the movie about my life. When I die, after being a big famous star haha, I will have a biographic movie and she will be the main singer on the musics! =)
I arrived about one hour ago home. I went with my beloved friend Sofia and her friends home, I went to Manuela's house,I smoked my weed and came home. I've been checking hi5, myspace and now blogger, I will read E.'s blog and comment, possibly, and then I'll sleep 4 hours, before going to work. I am living a bohemian life, I am never home, just to eat and seep, I am working or being lazy, doing nothing, walking around, smoking some weed or boozing, sat in the caffé with friends or something. I need to write some letters down, I need to try again on painting and on writing my fictions and being a famous metal star. Maybe the "Manson's kid", as I have the right psycho profile for that. But not tonight. Tonight I am focuused on being sat in the couch, in front of the laptop, doing my stuffs. I know time passes by, I know wasted time never comes back, vbut tonight I don't want to worry about that. Tonight, I just wanna finnish my stuffs, going to sleep and maybe being able to rest, if my brain and my artist's soul, always sadened, always concerned about something, let me to. I can seep for hours and wak up like if someone were hitting all night long. Let's see tonight...
I'm feeling OK. Not suicidal, neither too happy... Just in the middle... And I am feeling great! Suicidal, I am suicidal. It's too logic. But when I am too happy, I smoke lots of weed, because I've forgoten how to deal with happy thoughts, and as a consequence, I turn suicidal. So now, so tonight is a great night! A cool relaxing night and I will enjoy it! I will!!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Ave Maria

It was my day off from job today! I woke up soon, cause I had some stuffs to do and I took my mp3 when I went out, like I always do. All Iheard the whole day was "Ave Maria", performed by the grand Tarja Turunen. The whole day I've been listening to this song. I begun the day with some heavy stuffs on Metal, but when I turned Tarja's folder on, I never left this song gone by. The whole morning, the whole day, till the battery of my mp3 turn off. Now, I am at home, having a wonderful time, all alone, me and Tarja, singing in the laptop.

A few minutes ago, I was in the caffé with my aunt and I came out there to smoke. It was raining softly and the cars was passing in the road. I missed the times I was in the car and i was raining out there. I saw a couple inside one car and I imagined myself in side one car with a HOT guy next to me driving me through a highway in high-speed and Tarja singing this song. I couldnt hear anything out there, only her voice. Suddendly, that car crashed and an accident happened. I was stucked inside the car, with n salvtion and while my lungs started stop breathing, her voice was there... Slowly I as dying and I was listening to her voice, calling me from the beyond. The car was smashed in the road. The guy would be OK, only a few scratches... Firemen and policemen was trying to save me, but I couldn't listen to them... Only Tarja's voice...

A long high way... A car running in high-speed with two guys inside... Tarja's voice, singing "Ave Maria"... The car crash... And in the end, the voice and this song...

I've been in Lisbon, going for walks, and in the main avenues, in the squares, it seemed I was in the middle of a movie. This song made feel very well along the day. While I was passing in the squares, pigeons started to fly, like we see in those movies which seems to be passed in Italy. I almost can't describe it... I am going to dinner to my aunt's place, once again, and I'll be listening to this song all along the way walking. and it'll surely feel good!

Leave me enjoy the rain, leave me enjoy the walk, leave me enjoy the song and the wonderful voice singing it! Just leave alone for a while, please! *Sweetened voice, holding a black rose in my hands* :)

Friday, May 08, 2009


A light can shine above our heads!! It's like if we're having an epiphany... We discover the secrets of the world. The secrets of our origin. The secrets of people's behaviour. The secret of madness inside certain souls.
I realised that part of my madness is due to those I have lost in my life. Irealised that I have not a base of sanity, so I do behave in certain degrees ofmadness that "normal people" can't reach. The so called normal people have problems to the behaviour of some people like me. If I wear black, I have had a lost, I am satanic and a HUGE list of things that just can't be listed here, or I would spend all night long in front of the laptop. Perhaps I would lose the birthday of my friend.
I just think that part of what I am is due to the things which happened in mylife. We're the result of what we'e lived. That's not all. Part of us is he result of what life did of us. Part of us exists thanks to the lfe experiences we've earnt, but there are some things which was born with us. Our being, in it's whole, is the result of our life's experiences plus what was born with us. Some of us were born to be artists, others engineers, others Judges or lawyers, etc., etc.. That's it!
But why does this answer doesn't satisfy me? Why am I still longing for something? Anyone can explain me? Or is it just a mistery, that we live to demand for it??
Maybe answers come soon... Or maybe they never come... That's all!!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Wordless... Really Am!!

There's a song I didn't heard for years... Sometimes I went to youtube to search for it. Not exactly my kinda music, but a good song, for good times. I still remeber when I heard this song for the very first time. I remember when Fugees came out with this girl, singing this song! I still remeber when I was younger, living near a place called Famões with my aunt only. Those wre the best times of my entire life.

Tonight I came to dinner to my aunt's place and it was like if I have found a memories box and like if I was on my knees, touching the old things which were important for me. She no longer lives in he same place, but I am at her place, me and her, dinning, talking, with no fights, with no screams... Things seems to have gone back to the past, when it was only me and her nd it's a good feeling! A really good feeling! Sorry to those who can be shocked by my music choice for tonight, but I felt a nostalgia, a melancholia calling for me by far, but it hasn't sadened me, so I decided to share it with all those who still read my lines...

I was wanting to write lots of things... i was wanting to describe the way I was feeling quite fine today, the happiness I woke up with no reason why,the way I felt so good all day long, but this great time a my aunt's place gave me a strenght to write a better thing, to describe a better feeling, to go further in my "memories box" and see if I found agood reason for happiness.

Hope things go this way in the following times... Just not listening to fugees! *evil cackle*

From times to times

Things change. People change. The voices in the other side of the phone change. The steps on the floor change. The rythm of our lives change. But I don't feel this defeat feeling changing. I was hoping that things would change. Well, a smile comes down on my face, but things haven't changed that much. Boss still doesn't pays, I am still alone (no, I don't forget about friends, but it's not the kinda thing I mean), I am still a sadistic guy, I am still needing, I am stil longign for something bigger, for something greater, that I just can't understand. I still walk the streets with my mp3 screaming out loud in my ears forsaking the world all around me.
I feel like if I was having a fatal time; I mean fatal, just because I smoking about 40 cigarettes a day, I don't drink alcohol very often, but when I do I drink just too much, or I do like in the other night, I drank a lot and I smoke weed, so I felt bad. I am going a little bit suicidal, like my friend/costumer in the caffé said. It's sad! It's really sad!! I wanna change, but there's no way to. I wanna feel alive,but I am just too frozen inside. I wanna feel happy witgh the idea of viiting a disco or a bar, but I just feel bored there. People are boring and scaring me away, once again. What to do? What...?