Sunday, September 20, 2009

Back and about to Rock...

This is it... Maybe things are about to come back to their place. I've seen/read somewhere that there's a right time and space for everything to happen and it was the time to return. I started painting again, after a big break on that due to my depression and to my medicines. It seems that when I was taking my medicines to fight depression, I couldn't paint, I couldn't write... Just singing, because singing didn't request my soul to do that. It doesn't mean I don't put my soul in my singing, it just happened that my feelings wasn't all the entire base for me to sing.

When I paint, I used to paint what I was feeling. Now, on my return, I'm focused on human (feminine) bodies and faces. I always did, I expressed my feelings through others expressions, and now it's my stronger phase. I am wishing to finish my studies, I am wishing to do my art and be able to become part of the infinity. I want people to remind me, when I die. I don't want to be forgotten when I disappear. I am trying to write some poems in English, I want to try to publish them in USA, in any kind of magazine or newspaper and maybe try to put all them together and publish a book. Poetry s not that important, but I am trying to do something... I have also had some ideas for my fictions and to get my old fictions back, those I wrote in teen-aging. I want to show my work away... I hope to leave a legacy behind, when I die, when I turn ashes, or a bit of crap under a grave...

Anyway, I've been painting, I've been writing, I kept living my life in cafes , I kept hanging with people, I kept living the streets as I adore... But there's something missing: that special someone I can grab and he'll hug me. That special someone who will open the arms and hold me in my fears... I wanna love, I wanna know that feeling with no fears, no regrets, no sorrow... I wanna be able to let myself go when someone comes close to me and says: "I love you" and I wanna be able to say: "I love you too", without any fear...

I wanna be free and I wanna love... Is that possible, both at the same time??

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Perhaps I Am Lost...

Tonight it has been a good night for me. Still no internet, unable of using my computer and being oblied to come to the cyber caffé and paying €2 for one hour in the internet and being unable to see what I wish (right it was porn, till a guy come and sit right next to me and look at the screen... Gay porn and I am feeling a bit bothered).

I wish I could be at home, enjoying some gay porn, with BIG MUSCULAR skinheads fucking some boys skinny asses. I wish I could be laid in my bed, enjoying this decadence of the human nature of gay guys. I wish I could have one of those HUGE MUSCULAR men over me... I wish ne of them was using my hard and even harder each breathe I could take.

Anyway, some thing bad, can also bring something good. Something gooooood for me are the guys who were playing snooker in front of me, with those summer clothes, which leave me see their arms, imagine their back. My imagination in front of hot men is getting each passing day more dirty. My imagination is working each day better, though I can't work i my creative side. My imagination gave a perfect "movie" of me, laid naked over the snooker table and all those guys fucking me... Perhaps, I'm being a bit pervert, but I am human. I have wishses and right now, my wish is to be fucked hard, by a man or by men... Young men and if they're muscular, way better.

Though I am bisexual and I feel myself like being bisexual, I just can't imagine my life with no men. I love men... I worship men... I need men to feel alive sexually. Maybe that's a sign that in the end, I am gay, but what the hell is so wrong with that?? What the hell is so wrong of wishing to be fucked? What's so wrong of wishing a hug between males, instead huging a female or being huged by a female??

I am just human... I am just a guy needing to calm down and relax, before something bad goes on me... I need to try to relax and stop having my mind workng 1000 km/h all the time, eventhough when I'm sleeping...

Tuesday, August 04, 2009


And it seems its a neverending confusing state. Things seems to be a neverending spiral of confusing states of mind. Its like the neverending run for our lives... It doesn't necessariously means we're endangered, but its the need to be living in the present moment, the urgent need to be living in a fast way, to be doing the things in the moment, to be unable to rest, eventhough I'm not working in the present moment...

I'm tired... I'm really tired... And I need some rest... Something which makes me rest for a while...

Friday, July 31, 2009

Happy Days

Where are they?? Wasn't I supposed to be happy with another birthday coming?? But since I remember, I always hated my birthdays. Since I can think of, I always tried to hide on my birthday. I always wished to be dead gone in that day. I always wished to shot anyone's head who wished to me a happy birthday. Thats not a happy day for me. That's not a day I like to be recalled at, that's not a day I wish to be happy and all smilie around!
You might be thinkin I hae the idea of getting one year older. Well, too bad news for ya: I don't fuckin' care about my age. That's just a number on a card and on a paper. It's unexplainable, I simply hate it! And since my dad passed away, 12 years ago, it's getting worse, year by year. The older, the more I hate this day. And my granny passed away 5 years ago, so it was worse! An worse, and worse and worse, day by day, year by year...
I was fucked up ast night. I woke up late and messed up in my head, anger, sad, today and I don't even want to imagine how will that be tomorrow! When tomrrow arrives, I wish a bottle of poison to drink it and leave this wicked world, hich keeps me trapped here. I hate being here, around this days. It would be greatif I could leave, if I could get an airplane and fly to Greece, to Thessaloniki, where I've been some yars ago, and stay there for a few months! It would be just perfect!!
I want to stop feeling this way. I wantto be happy, to be cool down, to be relaxed, to be fine, but no... It's the night I'll get highed or drunk and will barely find strenght enough to come home. I wnna burn my brains, burn my body, burn everything involved in my existance! I want to be gone...
I feel like vanishing with the wind... Slowly, fading away...

Monday, July 27, 2009


Second post of the night!! I'm inspired tonight!!

After hanging around on myspace and facebook, I just realised of how things changed! I think I've gone depth in this question, after checking some friend's photo albums. And this is the really matter. I still remember when the photo albums werethosehuge old books, with pictures in it, that we used to open when we was feeling nostalgic or depressed with present days or life. They was such big and heavy books, full of memories, that used to set free a strange smell like if something dead was hidden deep inside the paper pages. Memories of happiness, of sadness, melancholy, loneliness, emptiness... But memories! At the time, it was hard to destroy one f those pictures, to throw them away, because we knew we pobably wouldn't have a chance to get it back, and then that little bit piece of the past would be forever gone. By now, we can delete the picture with a simple press in a buttonat we know they will be in the computer disk, or in the memory card, or anywhere where we keep them safe, eventhough we don't even wish to see what's it!

And memories... Yesterday, I got this song from The GazettE, this piano play, and it brought to me such good feelings. In the afternoon, I went out, I went onto one of those never-ending of chinese stores which are around here, to buy some head phones to my mp3. For a long, long time I didn't had a Saturday afternoon for myself, for my shopping, for looking to the people passing in the streets. For a long, long time I haven't gone to one of those chinese stores, feeling their typical smell, looking to the cheaps and low quality products and choosing something to take home. And on Saturday, I did! And I was listening to this song. My imagination fled me onto one of those chinese/japanese movies I like to watch and I felt like in the other side of the planet, in a chinese or japanese store! I travelled far with my imagination, like it haven't happened for a long, long time! And I am happy about that! It was like living a memory, it was a memory lived in the moment! I hope to be able to go shopping with my mum next Sunday, in the clothes' store we used to go! I hope to buy something for him! I have my accounts to pay, but I want to forget them for once, forget I'm unemployed, forget my accounts have to paid and g shopping with my mum! Maybe buying something for her, nverting the role for this time... Just for once! And reminding the past, the happier simple moments of the past, in the present days! I'm getting insane, but I am happy with my insanity!


Times passes by...

And it seems that even things turn better, there's always something to help me to fall! I get myself always looking at any cute guy around but I am always alone. Yesterday or the day (night) before yesterday, I went to a friend's birthday. After the party, after the effect of the weed being passing from my mind, after everyone have said goodbye to each other, me and another good friend of mine stayd chatting for a while and I realised that even the fact of my rare presence between them now, it doesn't means people doesn't talk about me. About my life... It turns into a serious thing when someone says I have a boyfriend, who's a big fagget! Hmm, interesting!! And the funny part of the thing is that it was my friend Sofia, who said that and introduced a boy like if he was my boyfriend! It seems I gotta check who's really worthwhile to have around me. It seems I need to do a shutdown within me again, within all those who surround me and check who reall must keep around...
Days are HOOOOT!!! Nights freeze my bones out! I am feeling sick tonight... I ate lots of ice cream, so my throat hurts. I drink cold Cola, so it keeps hurting! But fortunatelly I still can use it to sing and to make the weird noises I do around! :) That's good!!
I need more... More than this notingness that my life became. More than this loneliness which is killing me, though it has bee my choice, till now!~
Now, I choose to be happy!!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Needing a bit of high speed!

It's not a matter of beig feeling guilty about something. I regret nothing, by now! Till now, there's nothing I've done wich made feel my sleep for it!

But I was supposed to being feeling guilty, because I have had sex with a man and I haven't kept in touch or replied to his sms on my phone. That's what he said, when I finally decided to break this "iceberg" between us and has told him that by time being, I just hve had sex with him, I didn't knew him from nowhere and I wasn't feeling intended to do that. He said I wasplaying with people's feelings. I am not!! He knew exactly what he should expect from me,as I've told him from the beggining!!

Anyway, I was just needing a bit of high-speed tonight... A ride in a HOT guy's car, through the highway with no Destiny, has I've done with my goddaughters an the ex-broter-in-law of one of them. I was always at home at 2 am, like my mother said me to do, but we've gone lots of times through the highway, at night, with no Destiny, and when we felt we have arrived, we stopped somewhere and stayed in the car to smoke some weed. And those night were just fantastic. And I miss it, and I want to do that with someone special for me. With a guy I coul love and he could love me in return, with no strings or boundaries. Nothing to stop u from oving each other and stopping us from being together. And yeah, I said a boy, a guy, I love men, they're just fantastic for me and I can't spend one single day of my life without desiring them.

Like I said, I'm not feeling sorry for the other's guy stuff, I don't regret, he knew exactly what he will get. I am just a bit tired of behaving like a bitch and I am needing to stop and try to deal a bit with someone... Not that guy, but some other out there whichfeels any little kind of interedt about e and I feel the same about him. Why not trying to stop this loneliness?? Why not trying to deliver my heart to someone for the very first time in my life?? Why not fighting the barrier my famiy obblied me to create against them, and stopping doing the others pay for that?? Hope all that works, since I am feeling into about going out at night to dance, to desire, to be desired... Hope all that helps, since I am going back to the beach, leaving my body to fry on the Sun, or to fry freezing, in the sea!! Hope to be happy soon!! If I don't, at least I've tried!!

Don't blame me for trying to be happy... Dont judge me for following my dreams! You had yur chance, it's not my fult if you have missed that!!

Saturday, July 11, 2009


Sometimes, I do find myself wondering why do I must give a chance to life to smile to me. Sometimes, I find myself wondering why should I be happy, why should I not smoke, why should I not to drug myself, why should I learn to deal with myself without drugs and so ooooon... People are driving me nuts!! GO FUCK YOURSELF WIT YOUR WELL INTENTIONED COMMENTS!! DON'T YOU GET BORED OF FUCKING ANOYING THE OTHERS??
I am feeling a weird changing in me. I am wearing coloured clothes sometimes I am wishing to go to the beach and fry my skin and my brains at the sun, I am wishing to go to the sea to take my bath, I am walking Cacém, getting my trone back, walking Cacém streets once again... I am feeling something is coming, but I am affrid of losing something along the way... I o need the comfort of my black clothes, I d need my sadness when it comes, I need my loneliness when I am with it in, I need allI have and I need all I don't have... I simply need!!
These last days has been some kinda funny. These last days, I have met people I haven't seen for ages. These last days, I've met some new friends. And so muh more.... But why do I still feel so lonely, so sad, so unsatisfied?? Is it my called artis's soul working?? There are some days I feel tired, old and all I wish isto stay in my corner, relaxing, smoking a lot, thinking, wondering...
What's so fucking wrong with me???

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Black or colours?

That's the most frequent question in my mind lately... I needed to borrow some pants to my aunt, and I saw my old coloured cothes.

It might seem something stupid, but I felt sorry for my clothes being out of usage for so many years... I missed sing colours. I fear to lose my essence. I fear to stop being me for going back to colours. I fear everything around changes.


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Maybe I'm The Crazy One... Just maybe...

There's a lot changing lately... Summer time is here, with its overheated HOT and DRY weather. And it seems that with Summer time, people reminded that I exist, that they need me and it's the time for all my friends callsme to a coffee, to be with them for a night, for gambling, for chatting, for weed or anything my presence is requested. And it also seems to be the time I realise I'm changing...
Fortunatelly, I deall with different people... People with all the kinds of life stories, people with different likes, people with different kinda conversations. I don't even feel bothered by strangers.
My god daughter sent me via bluetooth to my cell phone a music called "levaste minha vida" (you took my life). It's a soft piano song with hip-hop rythm, but I like the lyrics and so I'm listening to it. Sorry if you're bothered, so you can search the next blog. *ahah* black roses for ya*
I need so much more, this summer... Maybe a little bit of beach, with extra-strong sunprotector, to keep my whiteness, not to get a lobster coloured skin. eheh* devilish giggle* I feel I am rediscovering my life, the way of being happy, eventhough it's a fake happiness. At last, I'll have something to feel comfortable by.
I need to fall in love... I need to feel a little bit more alive... I need to get my poles balanced, to avoid my crisis... I need so much and at the smaetime, so few!!
Am I the crazy guy? Or am I the guy who just got thirst for life, that everyne around is trying to kill??
Let mebe... Let me think and commit my mistakes... Let me be happy!!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Once upon a time...

There were a soul... A little shinnig star in the night sky of burning stars. That little star used to dream of a beautiful universe of art, music and beauty.
Time passed by and the star started getting disapointed with the world... Things weren't going in the direction it wanted. Everything gone different...
Now, its a lost little artist... It lives in caffes with friends... It listens to an old voice of the past... It writes some poetry... It smokes a lot... It do lots of things normal and so many others that are not so normal...
You go it, I'm talking about myself.. My star stopped shinning. I stopped feeling... I need my feelings back... I need to know how to feel joy... I need to know how to be able to love someone... I need to be able to fly away, withouth leaving my place once again... I need everything of me back...
Is there anyone reading this? Is there anyone able to help me to?

Friday, June 12, 2009

Tired... And so old...

I'm feeling tired... Yesterday, I finally talked to my boss... He said he wanted to make a contract to me, 9 moths after being in that caffé. I wanna leave. I told him that probably I would leave, I just needed to talk to my mother first. Cheated. But I came home with that little taste of freedom to come in my mouth and in my soul. But in the reverse, there's my thought on my costumers. I suppose that I don't want people that far as I thought. Lately, I find myself affraid of the idea of being alone. I am affraid, for the first time in a long, long time.
Tomorrow, I'll tell him I wanna leave. No matter how, I wanna eave, with no courts, with no anger, ith no fear and no regrets. I don't wanna look back. I just wanna leave and stop for a while. People lok at me and say I look way older than 21 and that's my age. I look way older, I feel the rides under my eyes... *hehe*, rides does not scare me! Anyway, I feel older than 21. There are some days I feel like if I was 10 years old and in other days, I feel like I was 90 years old.
I need to focs in the real matter... I wanna leave and I'll tell it to him tomorrow. I know my friend will be mad at me, but I feel to tired. Lately, I feel I smile much less than I already used to, I feel I think there's nothing happy or funny enough. I need to hange some things but thre's no more strenght for now. I justneed to leave.
Despite all of this, despite this wicked depression I'm feeling into again, I feel more trustful than never before. It's like this weariness is not strong enough to bring me down. But my body is exausted. I am too tired. It's like there were two strong weights in a balance and there were no balane point between the two of them. Or like if they were too heavy for that nd it was about to break. I need to rest! FRIENDS AND BUDDIES, I NEED TO REST! IS THAT TO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND??

Monday, June 08, 2009

Old people... New people...

It's funny how do we meet scared for them... Not exactly scared, but the fear of seing them again,after a long period of time withouth even feeling their look! And when we meet,through our friends, old internet buddies, it's weirder.

I can not explain this... It's that kinda feeling that only when somene experiences it can understand. It was such a weird day off from job. Woke up at 4 p.m., went to the caffé at 6, met some friends, has been there with another friend, went home and I am going to the caffé again. Don't know why do I feel like sadened in the end of another day, when sun goes down nd moon starts shinning up there in the sky. Smoking, sat in a chair, looking the sky out there...Poet,Fadista, painter and many other things... I could be tht and much more... I wish I was that and much more... I wish I could...

One more day, another defeat... Always here, always the same..

Thursday, May 28, 2009

When we're thinking...

I've been watching some guys' profiles on a agy guys website and there's something I' been readingso much lately: "I want cool boys". I am cool... "Easy going and fun guys". I am easy ging and fun... "Peopl who likes and knows how to enjoy life". I do! That's something that bothers me lately... Just because I feel just a little bit too much things, just because I do wrshp Death, it doesn't means I don't smile, I am not funny, I am not loveable, I am not worth of anything from anyone. It doesn't means I'm nothing more but a darkened clothed guy, sad and always listening to music in the mp3. Just try to find me, just dre tot ouch within me and you'll see...

I'll write down a short thing, like a short story, I've been imaginating 5 minutes ago some words and I'll try to work a little thing down!

He's gone by now. We fought really hard, we yelled at each other. He's a cop and I am a bandit. Really hard to combine, but something matched with us. But he's a cop and he has just arrived from job. I was awaken at 4 am, waiting for him and thingsne wrg, when we tried to chat at that moment... Then the fight came. He lft, hitted the door and the soft rain out there turnt into a strong storm. Large drops of water was hitting the glass like a little melody. I've been with the window wide open for about an hour and he didn't came. The I just put wool shirt and gone to the streets. I asketo the employer about him, but he told me: "No, Tom! Jim didn't came around here". I left and kept walking in the middle of the rain, till I went home. The sun has already rised and when I walked in the bedroom, he was laid over the bed, with his muscular body uncovered. He just unleashed a smile and called me. I laid nex to him and fell aslept in his arms... Never a dream has seemed so bad for me... But reality hurted much more... But all is fine! All is fine...

Hope ya like it! Too lame for me...

Monday, May 25, 2009

I can not name this post... Not by a lack of imagination, no for fear of fail, not for anything in particular... Maybe for everything in particular. Maybe because I m highed (it might sound ordinary, lately), but I set my imagination freer when I am highed, like tonight. That's somethign good and bad at the same time. Like when we washed cartoons and when someone needs it's conscience, imadatelly appears one angel near one hear a a horny little devil in the other. *hehe*

I am highed... I just read E.'s and Ludi's blogs, I commented them and now I am here... But E. named the post "NOT FUNNY" and it was so funny in the end. Ludi wrote a pst about Groupies and ideas and thought the matter of those two posts were different, they was so looke like to each other... Somehow, they really did... And I was working something out in my mind... And something worked out with the weed I smoked... And something made a light be turnt on in my mind and other something turnt it off. And I wanna stop being like this... I do not mean I am addicted... This shitty thing doesn't addicts people... I mean, I would like to stop being so instable. I would like to be able to feel things in a "harder" way, a littl bit like a masculine straight man of my age. But I feel things just too much... I am moody, my instability on my mood changes is too bad... Unsatisfied about everything... Never confortable...Nights without sleeping... Smoking weed and boozing to "stay alive"... Working oo hard and not gettin paid... Too many thoughts, to much weed and one single night...

I am feeling confused... Affraid of my own soul... Neding to create and like an unavailable womb, aborting the ideas, the confusion, instead of creating the perfect child of mine... Soon, I'll wake up... And I'll realise that I have the power in my hands to change... I am just behaving like someone who has a fat ass and I am not moving it to anything, but to scratch it... WRONG! I need stop being like the american movies' fat guys, moving in the couch, with a t-shirt and his underwear only on, with popcorns over his pregnant look belly and the remot control in the hand...*goth save me*

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Gypsy Feeling!!!

Tonight I feel like dancing... Tonight I would love to feel like a gypsy or like one of those nomades arabian guys. I am listening to an arabian song, after hanging to the caffé and ee my god daughter, who's pregnant of 5 months. I do love her, she's way too important for me and we've been a few months without seing each other and tonigt I met her at the caffé. We've been together talking, having fun and so on... I can not describe the feeling I had when I saw her. It was so magical!! She's really, really important for me!!

Tonight I have the best reasons for smiling!! Toight I feel I could dance all night longand in the morning going for work, still dancing and face a whole day of work and hard feelings!! I feel I could do this all my life, being this way, behaving this way, but I know it's not forever lasting. This greatness feeling will not last forever! But I wanna enjoy it while it lasts... My hips are shaking while my ass is sat in the chair. My body shakes at the arabian sounds!!

This night is just feeling great insideof me... My lack of time, my lac of money, my problems seems way too far tonight and I wanna hold this great feeling... Let's have fun tonight, sobber, content, joyful... I wanna be next to a fireplace and shaking my body, while a group of people plays some intruments... I need to let my mind flow, as it's creates inside, to implode to the paper... Mayb it's the beggning of the creation!! So let me be!!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Around and about...

It was such a strange day... I slept all night long, like I haven't doe for a long, long time. I must confess, I arrived very tired from my job, but I just turnt laptop ON, when I sat in the other couch and fell aslept.
Today, I woke up soon and I was feeling great. I woke up with a smile in my lips, I went to work with that same smile. I kept all day long with that smile and I almost ended up the day with that smile. But I didn't. Suddendly, a sweetened sadness came along and it took over me very slowly. Rght now, I'm a bit highed *once again*, but I can feel that sadness. That's a weird thing like how, in the end of the day, when I was supposed t be happy with the idea of leaving and going home, I was not. Perhaps, it was the idea of having nothing in particular waiting for me out here.
Right now, there's a song of Mariza, "Morada Aberta" (Open Address), playing in the laptop and it's about a love which was gone, like when she left her love wandering around. It's weird like me, the anti-love guy is now feling trapped for this shitty kinda feelings. Sometimes, I just wish I had a Cop waiting for me, laid naed in my bed, desireful to fuck me and in the end, we'll be sleeping huged. In theother hand, I wiss my bed continues empty, to hug only my sadness and melancholy. To embrace my loneliness and my frozen body, in a Winter night, naked laid in the bed.
That's weird... Even more weird, is the fact that I am very calm about this thing. Maybe it's the weed I smoked... Maybe I am just learning to deal with this kinda feelings... Bu I feel a storm of changes coming by. Let's see if it'll be for good or for a bad way. Let's see...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Not the right night...

To talk about sadness. Not the right night to keep tracking on what I miss more, or what I wish more for the next days. Not the right night to brag about my sadness or melancholia, longing for inspiration for painting, for writing, for publishing my poetries, for anything which drives nut or that makes me sad. Not the right night for writing what I miss or the kinda man (or men) I need.
Weird, but tonight I am a little above that! Tonight I wish to say I can be happy. Toight I wanna show I can smile. TOnight I wanna say I can love, despite I run out of love, because I am just too afraid to let someone make a little bit of sense in my life. I don't want to admit I can feel love, I just don't feel it, because I walk away anytime I'm close to fall in love. I don't want to feel that loveable feeling of stupidity, of losing my reason, of doing idiotic stuffs (I already do) because someone in special. I am trying to let myself go, but now I am wishing to let myself fall in love, there's no one wishing for that. Better for me, everyone's looking for a magical fuck. If you don't know magical fucs, it's something like: "I´m a magician, I give a fuck and I disappear". AHAH! Yeah, maybe that's the best, so I don't go further in me and discover that in the bottom of my heart there's mud, for so long time with no use. Keep me tracking for someone in special and always feeling disapointed, for a little detail no one even notices, but I see it and that ack of "perfection", makes me feel uninterested for that person. That makes my heart turn stone to that kinda love! And now... Now I am letting myself go! Go with the wind, to the arms (or to the lap?) of that special person, floating without destiny.
Today I wanna say I love to listen Ana Moura in my blog. Amália Rodrigues always the best for me.. I heard to Amáia since I am a little child and now, ten years after her death,I still listen to her song, like someone listen to church's musics! She's like my religion, my goddess in many things. But I am listening to Ana Moura, a young fadista (fado singer) who has a strong emotional voice. And the Fado lyrics, Love, Sadness, Melancholy, Joy too... Fado is the perfect sound track for my life, accompanied by some metal songs and ballads. And Amália is the Fadista I on the soundtrack on the movie about my life. When I die, after being a big famous star haha, I will have a biographic movie and she will be the main singer on the musics! =)
I arrived about one hour ago home. I went with my beloved friend Sofia and her friends home, I went to Manuela's house,I smoked my weed and came home. I've been checking hi5, myspace and now blogger, I will read E.'s blog and comment, possibly, and then I'll sleep 4 hours, before going to work. I am living a bohemian life, I am never home, just to eat and seep, I am working or being lazy, doing nothing, walking around, smoking some weed or boozing, sat in the caffé with friends or something. I need to write some letters down, I need to try again on painting and on writing my fictions and being a famous metal star. Maybe the "Manson's kid", as I have the right psycho profile for that. But not tonight. Tonight I am focuused on being sat in the couch, in front of the laptop, doing my stuffs. I know time passes by, I know wasted time never comes back, vbut tonight I don't want to worry about that. Tonight, I just wanna finnish my stuffs, going to sleep and maybe being able to rest, if my brain and my artist's soul, always sadened, always concerned about something, let me to. I can seep for hours and wak up like if someone were hitting all night long. Let's see tonight...
I'm feeling OK. Not suicidal, neither too happy... Just in the middle... And I am feeling great! Suicidal, I am suicidal. It's too logic. But when I am too happy, I smoke lots of weed, because I've forgoten how to deal with happy thoughts, and as a consequence, I turn suicidal. So now, so tonight is a great night! A cool relaxing night and I will enjoy it! I will!!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Ave Maria

It was my day off from job today! I woke up soon, cause I had some stuffs to do and I took my mp3 when I went out, like I always do. All Iheard the whole day was "Ave Maria", performed by the grand Tarja Turunen. The whole day I've been listening to this song. I begun the day with some heavy stuffs on Metal, but when I turned Tarja's folder on, I never left this song gone by. The whole morning, the whole day, till the battery of my mp3 turn off. Now, I am at home, having a wonderful time, all alone, me and Tarja, singing in the laptop.

A few minutes ago, I was in the caffé with my aunt and I came out there to smoke. It was raining softly and the cars was passing in the road. I missed the times I was in the car and i was raining out there. I saw a couple inside one car and I imagined myself in side one car with a HOT guy next to me driving me through a highway in high-speed and Tarja singing this song. I couldnt hear anything out there, only her voice. Suddendly, that car crashed and an accident happened. I was stucked inside the car, with n salvtion and while my lungs started stop breathing, her voice was there... Slowly I as dying and I was listening to her voice, calling me from the beyond. The car was smashed in the road. The guy would be OK, only a few scratches... Firemen and policemen was trying to save me, but I couldn't listen to them... Only Tarja's voice...

A long high way... A car running in high-speed with two guys inside... Tarja's voice, singing "Ave Maria"... The car crash... And in the end, the voice and this song...

I've been in Lisbon, going for walks, and in the main avenues, in the squares, it seemed I was in the middle of a movie. This song made feel very well along the day. While I was passing in the squares, pigeons started to fly, like we see in those movies which seems to be passed in Italy. I almost can't describe it... I am going to dinner to my aunt's place, once again, and I'll be listening to this song all along the way walking. and it'll surely feel good!

Leave me enjoy the rain, leave me enjoy the walk, leave me enjoy the song and the wonderful voice singing it! Just leave alone for a while, please! *Sweetened voice, holding a black rose in my hands* :)

Friday, May 08, 2009


A light can shine above our heads!! It's like if we're having an epiphany... We discover the secrets of the world. The secrets of our origin. The secrets of people's behaviour. The secret of madness inside certain souls.
I realised that part of my madness is due to those I have lost in my life. Irealised that I have not a base of sanity, so I do behave in certain degrees ofmadness that "normal people" can't reach. The so called normal people have problems to the behaviour of some people like me. If I wear black, I have had a lost, I am satanic and a HUGE list of things that just can't be listed here, or I would spend all night long in front of the laptop. Perhaps I would lose the birthday of my friend.
I just think that part of what I am is due to the things which happened in mylife. We're the result of what we'e lived. That's not all. Part of us is he result of what life did of us. Part of us exists thanks to the lfe experiences we've earnt, but there are some things which was born with us. Our being, in it's whole, is the result of our life's experiences plus what was born with us. Some of us were born to be artists, others engineers, others Judges or lawyers, etc., etc.. That's it!
But why does this answer doesn't satisfy me? Why am I still longing for something? Anyone can explain me? Or is it just a mistery, that we live to demand for it??
Maybe answers come soon... Or maybe they never come... That's all!!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Wordless... Really Am!!

There's a song I didn't heard for years... Sometimes I went to youtube to search for it. Not exactly my kinda music, but a good song, for good times. I still remeber when I heard this song for the very first time. I remember when Fugees came out with this girl, singing this song! I still remeber when I was younger, living near a place called Famões with my aunt only. Those wre the best times of my entire life.

Tonight I came to dinner to my aunt's place and it was like if I have found a memories box and like if I was on my knees, touching the old things which were important for me. She no longer lives in he same place, but I am at her place, me and her, dinning, talking, with no fights, with no screams... Things seems to have gone back to the past, when it was only me and her nd it's a good feeling! A really good feeling! Sorry to those who can be shocked by my music choice for tonight, but I felt a nostalgia, a melancholia calling for me by far, but it hasn't sadened me, so I decided to share it with all those who still read my lines...

I was wanting to write lots of things... i was wanting to describe the way I was feeling quite fine today, the happiness I woke up with no reason why,the way I felt so good all day long, but this great time a my aunt's place gave me a strenght to write a better thing, to describe a better feeling, to go further in my "memories box" and see if I found agood reason for happiness.

Hope things go this way in the following times... Just not listening to fugees! *evil cackle*

From times to times

Things change. People change. The voices in the other side of the phone change. The steps on the floor change. The rythm of our lives change. But I don't feel this defeat feeling changing. I was hoping that things would change. Well, a smile comes down on my face, but things haven't changed that much. Boss still doesn't pays, I am still alone (no, I don't forget about friends, but it's not the kinda thing I mean), I am still a sadistic guy, I am still needing, I am stil longign for something bigger, for something greater, that I just can't understand. I still walk the streets with my mp3 screaming out loud in my ears forsaking the world all around me.
I feel like if I was having a fatal time; I mean fatal, just because I smoking about 40 cigarettes a day, I don't drink alcohol very often, but when I do I drink just too much, or I do like in the other night, I drank a lot and I smoke weed, so I felt bad. I am going a little bit suicidal, like my friend/costumer in the caffé said. It's sad! It's really sad!! I wanna change, but there's no way to. I wanna feel alive,but I am just too frozen inside. I wanna feel happy witgh the idea of viiting a disco or a bar, but I just feel bored there. People are boring and scaring me away, once again. What to do? What...?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Mad, Mad, Mad!

Music: Vaters Minimix, Rammstein

Maybe that's the right word to be written down: MAD! I am writing here like a mad, the second post of the day, I wrote in my diary. I have writen an idea down in my mobile to a story, that I won't use, probably. I wrote something somewhere else, I can't remember now. I wrote, I started drawing andcolouring soething, like I haven't done for years. It's like a madness strike was pulling me down onto my art again. The fact of being walking slowly to my creations is awesome, but this emptiness feeling is smply awful. It's like if I was missng something along the way. It's like if I was needing a voice in my ear, whispering to me to help me to stay awake. It's like if I was being dragged onto Life and Death epic battles in my inner Kingdom once again. I feel about like cutting myself again. I haven't done it... YET! It must sound quite ridiculous that me, at 21, is turning back onto my teen times idiot acts, but that's reality!
A guy I chat with and who I like to, read my blog and told me I've been caught by love. I asked him "how's that possible if I am not loving anyone, if I am not dating anyone?!"
He answered: "You don't need to! It' quite simple, love is one of the most feared feelings of all, but the one nobody, I mean NOBODY, can resist. Gods, Angels and even Demons are tempted for it, they try to fight it and they're caught. That's so powerful, nobody can run away"
My friend K said he might be right and ow I have to deal with her calling me of pseudo-lover! I mean, jnot a bad thing, a little joke between friends, but it's dumb theidea I am perishing to love's hands. I don't feel like a loveable thing!
Too many times in the streets, in caffés, or anywhere else, I see some boys I feel into to, but they're always with girls, or they're always straight. I do feel like being unable to love anyone, I do feel like being empty forever and there's no healing hand for it. There's no remedy for my aches! I'll be hurting myself forever. I'll be illuding myself forever! I do wish, sometimes, a boy to take me away from here. I do feel like living a stupid movie. I said it befre and I am repeating myself constantly, in this matter of stuffs, it's like a biographic movie, where we see artists with tormented souls, living tormented lifes, living lifes which are not what they dreamnt or have choosen and finally, when the movie is almost ending, they die, with the perfect lover next to them. They're shot, they die with any disease, they kill themselves, or anything!
"Fly, little angel, fly high like the moon, spread your wings and fly, reach the sky, turn dust and die!"
I do need something! Maybe a big dose of morphine!!
In the picture, I am smiling to my friend Pedro, the one who took this picture! It's like a big changing was coming, but things remains the same. My life is work, work and work! Nothing more but work! And when I am not working, I am out there, in the street, hanging with friends, or in the caffé chatting and drinking my coke, or my coffee! I need something more! I need more, much more! I need so much more than being in the caffé working or with with friends, I need so much more than being closed inside the damned caffé all day long. My boss is not paying me, he's not into giving me any money, I am like working for free. He owes me about 2 1/2 months of work. He doesn't pay me that long!
I need to be like in the picture, smiling, happy or joyful! I will admit it, I think I do need a guy, guy to hold me in his arms, to tell me everything will be ok, I need someone to kiss me, I need someone to go to the beach at night and watch the sea - my brother, the sea - I need someone to hold the relationship, when it's in great tension. I need to stop being the strong one, I need to stop being the relationship holder. I need to stop holding other's bursting, I need to stop holding the other's drunknesses. When I smoke weed, when I get drunk (too rarely), they feel bored to have to hold me; so why do I have to hold them everytime!? Because I am a fool and I insist on coming out hurted by the other's, in my relationship with them! I don't care about my scars and my losses, because I always trust and believe in people.
I like that picture, don't know why! It's sweet, or something like that! Goddammit, why m I so alone, then? *hitting with the head in the walls, trying to get rid of these ideas*
Probably, it's the lack of sleep! Sleeping for an hour... I have time to sleep more when I'm dead!


They say I am crazy! They say I am given to extremes! I can I not be crazy? I can I not begiven to extremes, if I am forced to? How can I not feel angry sometimes, if they make me feel that way? How can I no do anything if I am forced to take an attitued and go to destroy them? I didn't wished that, I swear I didn't, but I won't be sorry. I won't feel regrets. I won't be walking away, just like that. I will walk away, but I'll be taking the prize for my kingdom... The scars as the evidences of this fight!
Do not fear, I won't hurt... much! I just a little taste of your blood. A little taste of your fear. A little taste of your regrets! Really. Not that much!

Friday, April 24, 2009

What To Do...?

Still longing on so many things. Still longing in long nights of insomnia. Still longing in a fantasy world. Still longing on something more. Still longing in a distant world of fairtale,where me,the hidden prince in a tower, will be saved by another prince, arriving in his dark horse, in a Middle Aged land, with knights, with tents around, with medieval fairs, with lots of forests, with dragons, with princesses and donzels. Still longing with the futuristic world, with an overpopulated metropolis, with flying cars and spaceships. Still trying to keep, at the same time, my head in the Earth. Still...
Right now, was trying to modify my blog. I was working hard to find the right image to fill in the blog's title, but it's so hard to chose. I would like to be like those people who look at some thing and just think: "This would fit perfectly here or there". But I am not. I can not take a decision, before I think very much about that, without longing for hours, for days or weeks, tll I ind the right thing to place in the right space. It's just too anoying. I wanna change. I know things need to be changed, in my blog, in my life... Decisions are needed to be taken, actions are needed to be made, but I am actionless. I am behavinglike a stupid kd, like a stupid teenagers, with his hormones all floppy, jumping around, trying to stick his dick in every hole which seems available to.
I'm needing to sleep. Maybe that's the wrong thing, the fact that of leaving everything to the end, but I just can't behave in a different way. I am just me, myself and I!

Right now, I listen to Epica, with Simone Simmons singing to "Falsches Spiel". I have the English version of this song "Running For A Fall", but this soft version of this music is just amazing. I need to thank to Ludi for having it in her profile. :) It's relaxing me! And I must confess, I can sing a little bit like Simone, I can make some stuffs with my voice like that, though I am a guy. And I was wanting to get a band, to work in different styles of music, Metal is the main one, and it would sound well to me to be able t use this "side" of my voice. I need to find the people, but they're not appearing. Maybe I am looking for in the wrong places.
I wanna find the right path. I wanna keep following the right trail, but it's being hard... Really hard! I hang around with people, some of them are not the right people, but I do trust a lot in people. Maybe a little bit too much. What to do? Things, sometimes, seems to be changing, but they always go back to the beggining. And it's not sounding good. Not at all!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


And one more night, lonely in my bd, after posting this. Not that I am needing anyone to warm me up, but the fact that till about one hour ago I was with many people at my friends Manuela' house... Some of them was taking all the kind of drugs, but I am clean. I was wishing to smoke my soft weed, but fortunately, no one had it!

A guy taking his drug... A new girl in the circle... The hot ukranian boy... Me with Manuela's fakes hair, for fun... The Ukranian guy said I would cheat him, if he found me in the streets. Too many things...

I am writing daily in this blog, as it's the only way I have to creat something, now. Through my posts, I eel I am creating something, though a memories book, to be printed in a near or far future. Something to remember later. Something to follow me up in the coffin, when I die. I've been thinking about being cremated... But then again, my fear that my body urvves to times and people can see me in 300 years... Only madness... Only emptiness, after a wonderful night... I need the guy who's the brakes for my madness...

I only can think on the music I posted... And this is what I feel... Stoned... Needing a long way from home... High-speed... My guy driving away from here... Feeling alie, for the very first time... Feeling like the first day of my life...

All hail you, who reads this blog and who listens to the song chosen by me... Thank you, my beloveds!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Defeat feeling...

Isn't any time in your life you felt like defeat, without entering in any single battle? Isn't there a single minute, the more happy you can be, the more confident you are, you sat alone in a chair, in your toilet, anywhere, but that you sat in silence and your brains started screaming out loud "I am defeated"? This is the feeling I got by now!

Today, I went out as every night, and I met with my friend M. in the caffé. She was with a guy appearing to be 20 years, at least, yunger than her (she's 53) and the guy was little bit drunk. He was a blue eyed ukranian guy, handsome one, and he was there, with her, talking, being a nice boy, talking to herand not showng any kind of emotion by her, but she was grabbing the guy, kissing him... Later, we went at her place and he went onto the bathroom and she entered to put soethiung back to his place and took some time inside that bathroom. After that, S. came home, we chatted for a while and she went to the room. Me, M. and he boy stayed in the room, seing her photo albums, watching her glory times of youth and as a grown woman. She kept on "fighting" the boy's distance.

In. came home too. She stayed for a while and when I. left, that blue eyed guy showed he was feeling horny about I.. He talked, bitted his lips and said some things. I could feel his heat inside.

It can seems like a stupid thing, but this kinda things, sometimes, drives me crazy, drives me onto an emptiness state. I feel defeat, cause I have no one feelin like that for me. The more happy I feel alone, there are a few moments I feel the need to have someone feeling something for me. And when I write about someoe feeling something for me, I mean more than sexual desire. It would be good to have someone cuddling me at night, someone hugging me near to a fire place, while both of us were taking a few alcohol or smokng weed, or simply having a warm tea, with the wood burning and the rain falling out there, with a soft song, or an extreme metal one. Just me, the guy, the fire place and the moment.

Didn't you ever felt like this? What's missing me? What's missing here? What am I doing wrong?

I feel like I am wasting all my youth and all my time. I stopped painting, I stopped writing, I don't sing for publi and don't find musicians for my music project. I do feel like I was living one of those amreican movies, about people becoming famous, like "8 mile" about Eminem, or like a "CoyoteBar"... Unfortunatelly, my way doesn't includes a bar and a hot guy helping me cruising the path. I hate bars and discos, parties I stay away from them. I mean, I am nothing but a stupid guy. I'll probably be invited to a party of a friend of mine in a Disco, in July, but I am not much confidant about that.

I wanna walk the streets and have the joy feeling again. I wanna walk the streets and smile again. I wanna so many things... But I am getting nothing.

This year, strangely, I am wishing to go the beach. Don't know if I'll go, but if Ido, so what? Yeah, so what? I'll be follwing my heart!

I've been chatting Nathaniel, from New York, a guy I loved to meet, though only virtually. We've chatted a few times. He's someone who could be the reason for me to calm down. Maybe I go to live in USA as I wish, and we meet each other and I fall in love and I live happily for ever! AH! If it was that easy, it also would be bored!

All I would like was that this defeating feeling was over. I would be happy enough... Maybe things changes soon!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Rainy Night

It's raining strongly out there I was at a friend's house and I have had to leave and come home. I was with my mp3 turned on and suddendly, it started palying Elend and their song "Opis Puthôn" and it was the perfect melody for a rain walking! OH, it cleant my soul... I always love rain walkings,listening to wonderful songs. It's a soul healer for me!
I love walk in the rain and if it's in my choice, I go out with no umbrella, to feel the rain in my hair, in my face in my clothes, reaching the skin... t could begreat if it used to touch my flesh, but I have no cuts in my body to do so. I do love it.
I am feeling awesome, despite all this despair and confusion in my mind! I really am... Better, only if I was in a car,being driven to far from here, to have fun i any wrong way.
Now, I am listening to Mariza. I imagine myself near a huge window, in a huge chair, looking out there while I smoke a cigarette and the rain is hitting the window. It would be so perfect!

Friday, April 17, 2009

They said, they asked

"There's no fucking reason for your life", he said. "For what you write, it seems like you are doing nothing in thsi world".

I just kept silence, while he typed it on MSN. I read today, cause my MSN has shut down, as I've gone to sleep. Is it true? May it be true?

There's not a fucking reason for me to stay alive? There's no sense in my life, for what I write? I feel like ging down. Lately I am saying it a lot, I am like falling on a never ending spiral of depression, hate, fear and so many of those feelings. It's like I was missing something which will never come back. It's like if I am missing something I have never seen, something I can't even imagine how does it looks like, how does it behaves.

"You're such a sad person, aren't you?", a girl once asked me. Well, honey, you dealt with me, eventhough in letters and that's your point of view. So I supose you got your answer by your own.

Lately, in the last two or three days, I have been unable to smile in a real way! I feel like there's the huge hole inside my chest I mention so many times, but thi time, it's a cold dark hole. I feel the wind inside my chest, like if a bazooka has hitted my chest with a shot.

I haven't listened to much Metal, lately. More on a dark ambient wave, some industrial, with those electronic sounds. Lots of Fado, lots of my beloved Amália Rodrigues and lots o that one who they call Fado singer, as well, Mariza. Lots of sadened and meancholic songs. Lots of feelings involved and none of them can be named. I don't know what to feel.

"You're a person who lives in extremes", my sis told me once, like if it was a secret.

Hun, you deal with me for ten years now and you know what I am made of. That's so simple...

I feel empty... I feel nothingness... I feel like if I was stoping, after a long car trip, on high speed... It's like the feeling of highness going away, after a few hours laughing and feeling OK! I don't use drugs for a few days, by the way!

I drunk a double Martini Tuesday night, but gone to sleep right after. So that's OK!

I am feeling bothered... I really need to go... I really need to stop by now...

Monday, April 13, 2009

Home Alone (NOT the movie)

Probably, this is the very first time I am sad with a reason to be... Maybe this is the very first time, in many years, I am quietly sit in the chair, just listening to mp3 and thinking about stuffs. Maybe this is what I was needing for a long time: being alone!

But being alone is not that pleasant as I always felt, since we have the person we wish far from us. I am not talking about a guy laid naked in my bed, smiling satisfied afte he us my butt for his own pleasure. I am not talking about a boyfriend delightening in pleasure with kisses. I am talking about my mother. Though we fight each other 99,9% of the week, I miss her and ths is the first night she's spending out, at her boss' house, while he's away with his wife and left his kids behind. It's a weird feeling... This lonely night is just being great, but I feel emptier, sad, needing company... Somehow, the happily-and-proudly-alone-beast needs company!

It's a cold night out there and right in front of me, there's an open window. I feel the breeze crossing my body, my skin and flesh and reaching the bones. Right next to me, lay an ashtray with ashes from my cigarettes. I'm lightening a new cigarette and pulling the smoke to my lungs. I suppose I'll drink one of the two mini martini's bottles I have hidden in my bedroom, to make it more perfect...

For thevery first time, there's silence in the house. For the very first time, there's dark in here, while TV is playing muted, just to have a little bit o movement in this room. I need something to take me out of this state of comma. It's an awful feeling; anyhow I can feel!!

I am deadly confused... I am going to sleep for a few hours... Just finishing my cigarette and I'll be sleeping!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Matter of What..?

Thee 's something weird going on... I could say it's something weird going on with me, but it wasn't jus with me. The world... The world has something weird around...

People says it's a matter of time for me to change, for me to see the world in a different view. Some of the so called gothic people crticized me for listenig to Evanescence, when I used to say I was a gothic. But people does not understand that Evanescence came to help me to rise from the ashes. Perhaps,I had commited suicide a long tyime, if Evanescence hasn't poped out to the world. It's like if they have had entered in my mind and in so many things, has the same view of things and of the world than me. World, people, life...

About one hour and a shower ago, I was in the street I live in for 14 years by now, riding the swing they installed here, when they made the works in the city, change it into a tottlly new place, listening to"Everybody's Fool" in a piano intrumental, by Eclipse.This song earnt a whole new meaning for me sinceI downloaded this album. It felt like I was that little scared teenager again, feeling like a tiny shadow between the crowd... The street was empty it was ony me, the spring trees and"Everybody's Fool".

I do feel like addicted in that song. Th more I liten to it the more I inject it onto my organism, the more addicted I get. I need songs like this one, like Evanescence's ones, to help me to feel I am not alone.

Sometimes, I am surrunded by people, but I always feel alone. It's like no one could understand me andlike the moe friends I have, the more lonely I am, becaus the more friends I get, the more different they're from me. The more some people say they understand how do I feel, he less I do believe it... It's hard for me to explain...

I need to go... I nee to sleep... Maybe sleeping will heal!

Good night!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Out of Mind...

I am nuts about so many things... I am still nuts about something... But I don't have strenght enough to label them down... I am highed and not even that state of mind and body makes me feel strong enouh to "talk" about problems... Or those problems, at least. Not the stuffs I am nuts about.

Maybe the fact of have been attacked by a drunk guy, wishing to go for a fight with a tiny skeleton like me, about 10 minutes ago is soething interesting enough to keepyou entertaiened for a long night. *devilish giggle with little horns borning*

But when I am drunk or higed, if I go for writing, I am able to put my feelings out, better than when I am sobber...

It has like a feeling of emptiness, of sadness, something that will take me out of my mind... I do need to be strong. I feel like if I am in the middle of a spiral, falling and falling, turning and turning... It never stops, but now the winds blowing my face, the inspiration hitting the walls of my skulls are flowing again, but I am just too affraid and too lazy to pick up the pen and the pencil and write or draw, though I am not talented enough...

Maybe a night of sleep will heal my mind!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Dancing Today

There's a strange feeling I'm having today. It's playing E Nomine on my laptop and I do feel a hug wish to get up and dance. I would, if I wasn't too tired to!
I wish I could be in that image, in the dancer place. I could be dressed like that maked up like that, in a place and with men like that aroun, that I would dance! I feel I would dance!
And my good friend Ludi said I am using my brains too much... Am I?? Why?? :P

Friday, April 03, 2009

Wishing to destroy something beauty...

That's what I do wish. I have had a wonderful day till that damned woman who works with me now (and she's mother of one of my friend) hae decied to get conflict with me for something way stupid. My damned work mate decided to "join the party" and I just wanted to pick the larg knife I use to cut cakes to cut them and pull their entrails out and spread all around the caffé.

OK, Bruno, you need to relax!

I need to burn them down!

And I found my mate is bisexual like me (I am more gay, though) and he's giving some tips out that he wshes somethingform me, but e's just a stupid kid. OK, OK, he's 21 and I am about turning 22, but he behaves like a damned kid. And he haves some kind of hability to upset me seriously, just by being quiet in a corner. He makes feel angry, sometimes, just to look at him!

I wanna so many things. I am falling apart something. I am needing something I cannot bear: company! A boyfriend! Something like that, but I also wanna be alone. I don't need them for anything, why do I wish such a shitty stuff?

I need to fix my head in the place. I need to go to my grand dad's and have a relaxing season in country side. I need... I do really need...
I need to break something beauty. Like one of the characters from "Fight Club", whose name I can't recall and wish actor's name I can't remeber, as well, which punched such a hot young blond boy till he's face is all broken and bloody and all he said, when guys stopped him was "I just wanted to destroy something beauty". That's all I need!!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Losing The Line Of Thought... And a Guitar!!

One more night out, knowing it'll be another day of work tomorrow, though I don' care about my rest. I don't care... I really don't!

One more night spent in the caffé, drinking, talkng, laughing, smoking, being what people call of bohemian... Being whatever it can be, but dong something to remind myself I am alive! I was happily happy *devilish giggle*. I went to a caffé I do love with a friend of mine and there were one of the guys of the caffé playing guitar and singing, with live music. It was splendid. I once wrote an entry on ths blog, while I was at their computer and I sddendly saw their guitar lid net to me.
People singing... Laughing... Drinking... Having fun... And I, suddendly, falling apart in a depressive state of soul... Amália sings in one of her musics "La Fiesta sono é commenciata I é já finita" (The party just begun and it's already over) and it fits me well. That's why I avoid parties, nights at discos or bars or anything like that. I do feel bored, in despair, sad... I miss the time I was able to be happy, I miss the time when despair was not a constant thing. I miss the time I wasn't in constant changing. I miss... I miss... I miss... Why do I miss so much? What do I miss so much? What am I longing for? What? Why? When? Despair, despair, despair... Changing... Lack of anything...
Is this the shitty poet or fadista's soul everyone's talks about? Well, then I wanna cut it out and let all this blood flows and feel nothing anymore... I wanna be away from here... I wanna leave... I wanna leave and never come back!

So, it's the time to go back on Turtles and on Paulinho's caffé and let Turtles pick the guitar, to play and sing. Man, pick up the guitar and play for my delight!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Voice...

Here's Amália Rodrigues. She's my diva. The one I love, the one Imourn for when I wake up. I am listening to her songs, one of them called "Sombra" (Shadow). It's aout one decadent and dependent love. About when a woman gets addicted in one man, about the dawn as a healer for her wounds. Like if the moon was the antidote, made in one orane juie with moon powder.
Amália take me into another dimensions, her voice goes too deep in my soul. I adore her. I am too highed to say anything without feeling ridiculous and patetic, but it's something I say, sobber or highed: AMÁLIA FOREVER!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

By The Way

It's a weird thing I always choose female images, when it's about anything. Well, it wouldn't be that weird if I wasn't a gay guy!
By the way, I've been in such a depressive state of mind or of soul or of spirit, as you prefer to make the interpretation. It's almost like if I wasn't allowed to feel happy, satisfied, with a bigger hunger for life. I should be able to go out at night and feel good at a disco or a bar, be able to laugh quite easily, but Ihate the simple idea of enterng a bar or a disco, go to the dancefloor, mix with the "normal" human being, feeling my body being touched from all over, feeling those house style, trance or hatever it takes at he disco musics sounding out loud, making my brain jumping, like a little bit of salt in the fire.
I do feel like a mad thing. I do feel like a crazy, like an eccentic stuff, unable to be happy. There's something which happens, when women are kidnapped by the bad guys, when they are rich and fall in love with the law transgressor, it's associated to something like the bored emperetress. That's a bit like I feel, a bore emperetress, with no way to feel good or satisfied.
When I do let myself falling into a normal state of those who need to feel loved, when I do look at couples and feel sad because I am alone, I imagine two girls of pop music, some of the few pop stuff I still listen, t.A.T.u.. I recall to my memory the song "Not Gonna Get Us", where they're running away from something in a stolen truck. I magine how it would be great to have a guy with car, running with me away from here, with no Destiny, with no place to stop. Just going, being driven through roads. Going away, with someone who loved me. Butthere's no dreams or fantasies taking me out of serious!HA!
I feel I am returning to my art. My art is my lungs, my fortress, my secret place. I do used to paint, but 5 years ago, I've been diagnosed with a depression and since I took anti-depressive medicines, I quit painting, writing, etc. I am now tring to fight this place in-between nowhere inside of me and trying to unleash my creativity. I might not be talented, but I have love and passion for what I do and that's something which many of those talented people lacks of: passion!
And for passion, I am trying to get another band, since my band with my fiends broke up, two years ago. But when I was trying to be a Nightwish like band, as I can sing some things like Tara used to do, we had nothing to do, since they tried to change my style. I am not looking for a band of Metal, or no only Metal. I wanna be able to do something more creative, trying many different soundscapes, but with Metal as a basis. Naming some bands or singers as influence, Nightwish (Tarja's Era), Draconian (my beloved ones), Otep, MM, Elend and a few more. Some of my other influences of bands, are some of my myspace friends, with bands or artist's profile. I just need to work it out, I need to find the musicians, Ineed to keep on the track for them, but they're not coming up, they're not appearing...! Though I keep on fighting, I feel weaker each passing day.. I won't be giving up that easy, but it's hard to deal with, the failure, the frustration...
Goddammit! I need more... So much more!!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Though this is an image from "Jack The Ripper", it serves me quite well.
I do ask if vampires exists, because I do wake up every morning feeling tired, my body hurting, like if I had been walking all night long. Sometimes, when I do not smoke weed at night, I do feel like my head was foggy, like I could barely see a few meters in front of me. It's like if I get hipnotised every night and go for walks in the city, like if something was calling me to the wild evrynight and it was sucking all my energy out. I do need answers. I do need rest. I do need PEACE!
That's all I need to get.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I'm floating... I feel like a ballon that a child left to fly and with no destiny, but the infinity. The blue or the darkened sky. A tree.
There's something within me, burning me out,making me falling, like a collapsing building. I feel like nothing could stop me. At the same time, I feel like I was needing lots of alcohol and weed to be able to stand eveything...
It seems like everything was going to explode, like if I was going to blow up, to fly and then crash down... There's no right mood to be described right here and right now... There's no feelings... There's no joy... There's no sadness... There's no anger... Just a huge hole inside my chest!
I need to walk... I need to feel the streets... The wind in my face... My mp3 playing out loud in my ears... The cars in the road... Passing people... The night... The moon shining far in the sky, lightining the darkest streets... I just need to walk, to listen to my songs and forget about the world, about the dangers out there...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Elizabeth V.

There's a girl who surprises me more and more... Her name is Elizabeth, she's a Greek girl, but she's my goddess. Despite I am gay, she's the one I'd fall in love with, if I could or if I had a chance. She's a girl I adore, the kinda friend I'd love to be able to hold for a lifetime. The kinda person that the more I know her, the more she surprises me. There's a lot of things about her I just love. There's many others that I will earn to hate.. But what can make me feel a little hate for her? I can not imagine anything for now...
I read her first post on and reading the most recent ones, it's way too different from the person I know. Too "young", too fresh, still able to feel comfortable about the simple idea of human touch and warmt. She evolved with passing years. She turnt into a more secure woman. She's one of the most perfect beings I know. And she... She is just Elizabeth! If you feel curious about her!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Between Fear And Despair

I am going crazy... Every single day that passes by, I believe more and more in that... I am more and more unstable. I smile as quick as I weep and yell. I walk as fast as I run. I scream as fast as I whisper.

I mean, it's being a little bit chaotic... Fear... Despair... Sadness... Happiness... Joy... Too many things and one single brain... Going under? I don't think so! Maybe rising from my ashes, to fall again, and then again, to rise up... Over and over till my dying day. Till my departure day! And it's what makes of me what I am! :)

Friday, March 06, 2009


It's the time I start to listen to a song and suddendly I feel affraid of something. I can't explain what's scaring me away, till I feel chills on my bones. The Gazette are playing "People Error" on youtube and I do listen to this song over and over again causing me such chills and making me doing a trip to the inner of my soul. I feel I could go to the window, spread my wings and fly.
Out there, the night is calling for me. The rain is falling strongly, but it's like a thousnad of fairies are caling for me. My dragon awaits. The moon wants to shine, but the clouds are covering her way. The city is like a maze, for me. It's like there's something awaiting for me. My lover? My killer? My guardians? My demons? Who knows?
Suddendly, it won some kind of a crazy meaning inside of me... The chills goes on... The night doesn't stops... In two hours, I'll get up to go to work... But I am a bit scared of closing my eyes and going to sleep...
Time to leave... To shut my eyes... The leave my body rest for a while... To leave my breathe goes down... I am going to smoke a cigarette in the window, watching the night passing by ad then, sleep for half an hour...

Monday, March 02, 2009

Old Times... And Rage Against All The Odds

It's the time to call the old times. It's the time I cry hard and feel nothing inside. Like an hollow tree, I feel empty inside, feelingless. Thetre's nothing to grab now. Things changed, places changed, even people changed. People themselves, people around me, people to deal with. I changed. It's sad, because I look back and there are they: happy, with no concernings, with no worries. I look in front and I see nothing. Blank, Black White, nothing... emptiness. That's all the left me.
I fear I have lost them forever. I fear they have me forever. I fear I have lost my path and now it's too late to go back and fight.
Thinsgs are really diferent. People, me, the world. Things changed.
I have writen in my portuguese blog ( today, one entry, now I am writing here, as a mad. Because people who we deal with, in real life, in internet, through mobile calls or text messages, they have an influence in how we feel. And sometimes, they are part of or present ut they came from a long gone past and we're the few remaining ones. And it0's unavoidable to remind and recall past. And me and L., we're doing this: Recaling past, recalling old feelins and sensations. And though there'slots of sadness involved in past desapearing, all this sdness is good. We're stronger, we can fight and go back on fights of everything which was real important for us: for me, my art! For her, our friendship and her oyfriend! for me: our friendship and my imagination. For her: me, her and others.
All is good, when we have the right people next to us!

Sunday, March 01, 2009


That's the way things are going lately. More than metal, my basis, but that I have so much to know about yet, I have heard more dark wave and dark electro, like Blutengel or E Nomine, and I have filled my mp3 with many of their stuffs I own on my laptop. I have heard so few Fado and so few Metal, that I have found myself strange. I have heard a few of chill out or new age songs, especially when I am ina Zen state, highed, has you wish. I have felt lately like a friend of mine said: "A mixture of hippie with goth". What means that I am a gothic hippie... O maybea hippie goth! Funny!

My use of myspace has let me meet many amateurs bands, of metal, Hardcore, Grindcore, Industrial and such. Many good bands, ome of them with long curriculas, but that the lack of support makes them anonimous to most of the audience.

I have been fine... Calm, more soft in many things... I have smiled a lot, lately! But I stillcannot avoid the feeling of defeat in the end of one more day!It's hard, at night... But I always find a solution... and like the shadow I am, I wlk the streets at night, foccused on my way and on the tuns playing out loud onto my ears and that's only me and my imagination working to the world!

Monday, February 23, 2009

What's wrong?

There's something going wrong in the last two days. I've been feeling so well, that it's almost like I could never be sad, or like if I've never been sad before. I am so nice, that I am even afraid of what may come next.
Anyway, in the last few days, I've been so well, that the sun shines like it have never shun for me in the last few years. Today, in the train on way home, after work, I was listening to a song of Mariza, called "Morada Aberta". It was nice to see the view out of the window, the sun in the horizon. It was really nice! I loved this feeling, in the last few days!! And I will make it last as much as I can!
Anyway, I am still anxious about my loneliness. Sometimes, it's like it was a sure for me, something I am sure I wish for my life, but in the other hand, I still have my lonely hours, when I do wish someone to calm me down, to make me feel comfortable, someone to make me smile...
I still have humour oscilations as well, I feel sad, happy, angry or anything like this in a matter of seconds... I am still tragic, dramatic, sad, melancholic. I am all this by nature, but I am smiling more often, more honestly... Most of time away, far away, in distant lands inside my own soul, looking for something I don't even know what it is - happiness?
Oh well, there's any kind of madness in me, in my behaviour, and that makes me lost. Lost... A lost thing in happy "things", in happy behaviours for the time being!

Friday, February 13, 2009

There's A Voice...

Who makes me drea since I am a little child. A voice who shows so much of my soul sice I am a little child.

I do listen to this woman since I am a small kid, I am almost turning 22 and I still love to listen to her. She still chills my bones out in long nights of loneliness. She stills reminds me of my Death's desire. She makes me wish to honour her name wherever I do go. I show her voice to anyone who tell me he/she doesn't knows her.

And Since we al need smile, I have chosen one picture of her with a sweet smile. She deserves it. She deserves that, sometimes, my blog is not for my own sadness, for my own melancholy, but for the way I miss her, as she diedalmost 10 years ago. My love, my passion, my obsession.

I still sin her songs... I still feel her voice passing my ears and going to my chest, making me trembling... I still feel her breath, when I watch videos of her live in any part of the World.

I still desire of listening her voice live...

I still expect of a new album or of new songs of her.... I still expect of a new on te TV or in the newspaper, saying she gave a new concert and gave innovation to anything...

I still drink of her sadness, of her melancholy... I drtink her poets, like the they was the last drop of water in the desert...

I still see so much of myself in her... I still...

And so few goes on...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


"Enchantment" by Chris Spheeris, is such a great sound to fulfill my ears... A quiet, relaxful and peaceful music. Sometimes it looks like a march. A victorious march. In other situations, it takes me to anciet times and ancient lands, of great muscular men dressed in white, playing their harps and their flues, while sheeps walk freely in the country. An ancient Greece, with white gorgeous buildings around, fountains with splendid bue, clean and brilliant water flowing free to mazing rivers. This soft song, causes in me this wonderfu feeling andmaes my maginaion flowing free around. I ask why do lie doesn't makes me feel the same stuffs, why do peopleand thesimple idea of a human touch in my back akes me feelso disgusted.

Anyway, "Enchantment" is such a wonderful word for tonight... Maybe not for tomorrow, but for tonight, it certainly is!

Thank for reading. Goodnight!