Sunday, September 20, 2009
When I paint, I used to paint what I was feeling. Now, on my return, I'm focused on human (feminine) bodies and faces. I always did, I expressed my feelings through others expressions, and now it's my stronger phase. I am wishing to finish my studies, I am wishing to do my art and be able to become part of the infinity. I want people to remind me, when I die. I don't want to be forgotten when I disappear. I am trying to write some poems in English, I want to try to publish them in USA, in any kind of magazine or newspaper and maybe try to put all them together and publish a book. Poetry s not that important, but I am trying to do something... I have also had some ideas for my fictions and to get my old fictions back, those I wrote in teen-aging. I want to show my work away... I hope to leave a legacy behind, when I die, when I turn ashes, or a bit of crap under a grave...
Anyway, I've been painting, I've been writing, I kept living my life in cafes , I kept hanging with people, I kept living the streets as I adore... But there's something missing: that special someone I can grab and he'll hug me. That special someone who will open the arms and hold me in my fears... I wanna love, I wanna know that feeling with no fears, no regrets, no sorrow... I wanna be able to let myself go when someone comes close to me and says: "I love you" and I wanna be able to say: "I love you too", without any fear...
I wanna be free and I wanna love... Is that possible, both at the same time??
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
I wish I could be at home, enjoying some gay porn, with BIG MUSCULAR skinheads fucking some boys skinny asses. I wish I could be laid in my bed, enjoying this decadence of the human nature of gay guys. I wish I could have one of those HUGE MUSCULAR men over me... I wish ne of them was using my hard and even harder each breathe I could take.
Anyway, some thing bad, can also bring something good. Something gooooood for me are the guys who were playing snooker in front of me, with those summer clothes, which leave me see their arms, imagine their back. My imagination in front of hot men is getting each passing day more dirty. My imagination is working each day better, though I can't work i my creative side. My imagination gave a perfect "movie" of me, laid naked over the snooker table and all those guys fucking me... Perhaps, I'm being a bit pervert, but I am human. I have wishses and right now, my wish is to be fucked hard, by a man or by men... Young men and if they're muscular, way better.
Though I am bisexual and I feel myself like being bisexual, I just can't imagine my life with no men. I love men... I worship men... I need men to feel alive sexually. Maybe that's a sign that in the end, I am gay, but what the hell is so wrong with that?? What the hell is so wrong of wishing to be fucked? What's so wrong of wishing a hug between males, instead huging a female or being huged by a female??
I am just human... I am just a guy needing to calm down and relax, before something bad goes on me... I need to try to relax and stop having my mind workng 1000 km/h all the time, eventhough when I'm sleeping...
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
I'm tired... I'm really tired... And I need some rest... Something which makes me rest for a while...
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Second post of the night!! I'm inspired tonight!!
After hanging around on myspace and facebook, I just realised of how things changed! I think I've gone depth in this question, after checking some friend's photo albums. And this is the really matter. I still remember when the photo albums werethosehuge old books, with pictures in it, that we used to open when we was feeling nostalgic or depressed with present days or life. They was such big and heavy books, full of memories, that used to set free a strange smell like if something dead was hidden deep inside the paper pages. Memories of happiness, of sadness, melancholy, loneliness, emptiness... But memories! At the time, it was hard to destroy one f those pictures, to throw them away, because we knew we pobably wouldn't have a chance to get it back, and then that little bit piece of the past would be forever gone. By now, we can delete the picture with a simple press in a buttonat we know they will be in the computer disk, or in the memory card, or anywhere where we keep them safe, eventhough we don't even wish to see what's it!
And memories... Yesterday, I got this song from The GazettE, this piano play, and it brought to me such good feelings. In the afternoon, I went out, I went onto one of those never-ending of chinese stores which are around here, to buy some head phones to my mp3. For a long, long time I didn't had a Saturday afternoon for myself, for my shopping, for looking to the people passing in the streets. For a long, long time I haven't gone to one of those chinese stores, feeling their typical smell, looking to the cheaps and low quality products and choosing something to take home. And on Saturday, I did! And I was listening to this song. My imagination fled me onto one of those chinese/japanese movies I like to watch and I felt like in the other side of the planet, in a chinese or japanese store! I travelled far with my imagination, like it haven't happened for a long, long time! And I am happy about that! It was like living a memory, it was a memory lived in the moment! I hope to be able to go shopping with my mum next Sunday, in the clothes' store we used to go! I hope to buy something for him! I have my accounts to pay, but I want to forget them for once, forget I'm unemployed, forget my accounts have to paid and g shopping with my mum! Maybe buying something for her, nverting the role for this time... Just for once! And reminding the past, the happier simple moments of the past, in the present days! I'm getting insane, but I am happy with my insanity!
ALL HAIL INSANITY!! :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
It's not a matter of beig feeling guilty about something. I regret nothing, by now! Till now, there's nothing I've done wich made feel my sleep for it!
But I was supposed to being feeling guilty, because I have had sex with a man and I haven't kept in touch or replied to his sms on my phone. That's what he said, when I finally decided to break this "iceberg" between us and has told him that by time being, I just hve had sex with him, I didn't knew him from nowhere and I wasn't feeling intended to do that. He said I wasplaying with people's feelings. I am not!! He knew exactly what he should expect from me,as I've told him from the beggining!!
Anyway, I was just needing a bit of high-speed tonight... A ride in a HOT guy's car, through the highway with no Destiny, has I've done with my goddaughters an the ex-broter-in-law of one of them. I was always at home at 2 am, like my mother said me to do, but we've gone lots of times through the highway, at night, with no Destiny, and when we felt we have arrived, we stopped somewhere and stayed in the car to smoke some weed. And those night were just fantastic. And I miss it, and I want to do that with someone special for me. With a guy I coul love and he could love me in return, with no strings or boundaries. Nothing to stop u from oving each other and stopping us from being together. And yeah, I said a boy, a guy, I love men, they're just fantastic for me and I can't spend one single day of my life without desiring them.
Like I said, I'm not feeling sorry for the other's guy stuff, I don't regret, he knew exactly what he will get. I am just a bit tired of behaving like a bitch and I am needing to stop and try to deal a bit with someone... Not that guy, but some other out there whichfeels any little kind of interedt about e and I feel the same about him. Why not trying to stop this loneliness?? Why not trying to deliver my heart to someone for the very first time in my life?? Why not fighting the barrier my famiy obblied me to create against them, and stopping doing the others pay for that?? Hope all that works, since I am feeling into about going out at night to dance, to desire, to be desired... Hope all that helps, since I am going back to the beach, leaving my body to fry on the Sun, or to fry freezing, in the sea!! Hope to be happy soon!! If I don't, at least I've tried!!
Don't blame me for trying to be happy... Dont judge me for following my dreams! You had yur chance, it's not my fult if you have missed that!!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thursday, July 02, 2009
It might seem something stupid, but I felt sorry for my clothes being out of usage for so many years... I missed sing colours. I fear to lose my essence. I fear to stop being me for going back to colours. I fear everything around changes.
I FEAR TO LOSE MY REAL ESSENCE... AM I CRAZY? AM I BEING STUPID OR CHILDISH? I NEED A LIGHT... THE TINIEST, THE WEAKEST IT IS, BUT I DO NEED A LIGHT!!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Monday, June 08, 2009
I can not explain this... It's that kinda feeling that only when somene experiences it can understand. It was such a weird day off from job. Woke up at 4 p.m., went to the caffé at 6, met some friends, has been there with another friend, went home and I am going to the caffé again. Don't know why do I feel like sadened in the end of another day, when sun goes down nd moon starts shinning up there in the sky. Smoking, sat in a chair, looking the sky out there...Poet,Fadista, painter and many other things... I could be tht and much more... I wish I was that and much more... I wish I could...
One more day, another defeat... Always here, always the same..
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I'll write down a short thing, like a short story, I've been imaginating 5 minutes ago some words and I'll try to work a little thing down!
He's gone by now. We fought really hard, we yelled at each other. He's a cop and I am a bandit. Really hard to combine, but something matched with us. But he's a cop and he has just arrived from job. I was awaken at 4 am, waiting for him and thingsne wrg, when we tried to chat at that moment... Then the fight came. He lft, hitted the door and the soft rain out there turnt into a strong storm. Large drops of water was hitting the glass like a little melody. I've been with the window wide open for about an hour and he didn't came. The I just put wool shirt and gone to the streets. I asketo the employer about him, but he told me: "No, Tom! Jim didn't came around here". I left and kept walking in the middle of the rain, till I went home. The sun has already rised and when I walked in the bedroom, he was laid over the bed, with his muscular body uncovered. He just unleashed a smile and called me. I laid nex to him and fell aslept in his arms... Never a dream has seemed so bad for me... But reality hurted much more... But all is fine! All is fine...
Hope ya like it! Too lame for me...
Monday, May 25, 2009
I am highed... I just read E.'s and Ludi's blogs, I commented them and now I am here... But E. named the post "NOT FUNNY" and it was so funny in the end. Ludi wrote a pst about Groupies and ideas and thought the matter of those two posts were different, they was so looke like to each other... Somehow, they really did... And I was working something out in my mind... And something worked out with the weed I smoked... And something made a light be turnt on in my mind and other something turnt it off. And I wanna stop being like this... I do not mean I am addicted... This shitty thing doesn't addicts people... I mean, I would like to stop being so instable. I would like to be able to feel things in a "harder" way, a littl bit like a masculine straight man of my age. But I feel things just too much... I am moody, my instability on my mood changes is too bad... Unsatisfied about everything... Never confortable...Nights without sleeping... Smoking weed and boozing to "stay alive"... Working oo hard and not gettin paid... Too many thoughts, to much weed and one single night...
I am feeling confused... Affraid of my own soul... Neding to create and like an unavailable womb, aborting the ideas, the confusion, instead of creating the perfect child of mine... Soon, I'll wake up... And I'll realise that I have the power in my hands to change... I am just behaving like someone who has a fat ass and I am not moving it to anything, but to scratch it... WRONG! I need stop being like the american movies' fat guys, moving in the couch, with a t-shirt and his underwear only on, with popcorns over his pregnant look belly and the remot control in the hand...*goth save me*
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tonight I feel like dancing... Tonight I would love to feel like a gypsy or like one of those nomades arabian guys. I am listening to an arabian song, after hanging to the caffé and ee my god daughter, who's pregnant of 5 months. I do love her, she's way too important for me and we've been a few months without seing each other and tonigt I met her at the caffé. We've been together talking, having fun and so on... I can not describe the feeling I had when I saw her. It was so magical!! She's really, really important for me!!
Tonight I have the best reasons for smiling!! Toight I feel I could dance all night longand in the morning going for work, still dancing and face a whole day of work and hard feelings!! I feel I could do this all my life, being this way, behaving this way, but I know it's not forever lasting. This greatness feeling will not last forever! But I wanna enjoy it while it lasts... My hips are shaking while my ass is sat in the chair. My body shakes at the arabian sounds!!
This night is just feeling great insideof me... My lack of time, my lac of money, my problems seems way too far tonight and I wanna hold this great feeling... Let's have fun tonight, sobber, content, joyful... I wanna be next to a fireplace and shaking my body, while a group of people plays some intruments... I need to let my mind flow, as it's creates inside, to implode to the paper... Mayb it's the beggning of the creation!! So let me be!!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
A few minutes ago, I was in the caffé with my aunt and I came out there to smoke. It was raining softly and the cars was passing in the road. I missed the times I was in the car and i was raining out there. I saw a couple inside one car and I imagined myself in side one car with a HOT guy next to me driving me through a highway in high-speed and Tarja singing this song. I couldnt hear anything out there, only her voice. Suddendly, that car crashed and an accident happened. I was stucked inside the car, with n salvtion and while my lungs started stop breathing, her voice was there... Slowly I as dying and I was listening to her voice, calling me from the beyond. The car was smashed in the road. The guy would be OK, only a few scratches... Firemen and policemen was trying to save me, but I couldn't listen to them... Only Tarja's voice...
A long high way... A car running in high-speed with two guys inside... Tarja's voice, singing "Ave Maria"... The car crash... And in the end, the voice and this song...
I've been in Lisbon, going for walks, and in the main avenues, in the squares, it seemed I was in the middle of a movie. This song made feel very well along the day. While I was passing in the squares, pigeons started to fly, like we see in those movies which seems to be passed in Italy. I almost can't describe it... I am going to dinner to my aunt's place, once again, and I'll be listening to this song all along the way walking. and it'll surely feel good!
Leave me enjoy the rain, leave me enjoy the walk, leave me enjoy the song and the wonderful voice singing it! Just leave alone for a while, please! *Sweetened voice, holding a black rose in my hands* :)
Friday, May 08, 2009
A light can shine above our heads!! It's like if we're having an epiphany... We discover the secrets of the world. The secrets of our origin. The secrets of people's behaviour. The secret of madness inside certain souls.
I realised that part of my madness is due to those I have lost in my life. Irealised that I have not a base of sanity, so I do behave in certain degrees ofmadness that "normal people" can't reach. The so called normal people have problems to the behaviour of some people like me. If I wear black, I have had a lost, I am satanic and a HUGE list of things that just can't be listed here, or I would spend all night long in front of the laptop. Perhaps I would lose the birthday of my friend.
I just think that part of what I am is due to the things which happened in mylife. We're the result of what we'e lived. That's not all. Part of us is he result of what life did of us. Part of us exists thanks to the lfe experiences we've earnt, but there are some things which was born with us. Our being, in it's whole, is the result of our life's experiences plus what was born with us. Some of us were born to be artists, others engineers, others Judges or lawyers, etc., etc.. That's it!
But why does this answer doesn't satisfy me? Why am I still longing for something? Anyone can explain me? Or is it just a mistery, that we live to demand for it??
Maybe answers come soon... Or maybe they never come... That's all!!
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
There's a song I didn't heard for years... Sometimes I went to youtube to search for it. Not exactly my kinda music, but a good song, for good times. I still remeber when I heard this song for the very first time. I remember when Fugees came out with this girl, singing this song! I still remeber when I was younger, living near a place called Famões with my aunt only. Those wre the best times of my entire life.
Tonight I came to dinner to my aunt's place and it was like if I have found a memories box and like if I was on my knees, touching the old things which were important for me. She no longer lives in he same place, but I am at her place, me and her, dinning, talking, with no fights, with no screams... Things seems to have gone back to the past, when it was only me and her nd it's a good feeling! A really good feeling! Sorry to those who can be shocked by my music choice for tonight, but I felt a nostalgia, a melancholia calling for me by far, but it hasn't sadened me, so I decided to share it with all those who still read my lines...
I was wanting to write lots of things... i was wanting to describe the way I was feeling quite fine today, the happiness I woke up with no reason why,the way I felt so good all day long, but this great time a my aunt's place gave me a strenght to write a better thing, to describe a better feeling, to go further in my "memories box" and see if I found agood reason for happiness.
Hope things go this way in the following times... Just not listening to fugees! *evil cackle*
I feel like if I was having a fatal time; I mean fatal, just because I smoking about 40 cigarettes a day, I don't drink alcohol very often, but when I do I drink just too much, or I do like in the other night, I drank a lot and I smoke weed, so I felt bad. I am going a little bit suicidal, like my friend/costumer in the caffé said. It's sad! It's really sad!! I wanna change, but there's no way to. I wanna feel alive,but I am just too frozen inside. I wanna feel happy witgh the idea of viiting a disco or a bar, but I just feel bored there. People are boring and scaring me away, once again. What to do? What...?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
They say I am crazy! They say I am given to extremes! I can I not be crazy? I can I not begiven to extremes, if I am forced to? How can I not feel angry sometimes, if they make me feel that way? How can I no do anything if I am forced to take an attitued and go to destroy them? I didn't wished that, I swear I didn't, but I won't be sorry. I won't feel regrets. I won't be walking away, just like that. I will walk away, but I'll be taking the prize for my kingdom... The scars as the evidences of this fight!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Right now, was trying to modify my blog. I was working hard to find the right image to fill in the blog's title, but it's so hard to chose. I would like to be like those people who look at some thing and just think: "This would fit perfectly here or there". But I am not. I can not take a decision, before I think very much about that, without longing for hours, for days or weeks, tll I ind the right thing to place in the right space. It's just too anoying. I wanna change. I know things need to be changed, in my blog, in my life... Decisions are needed to be taken, actions are needed to be made, but I am actionless. I am behavinglike a stupid kd, like a stupid teenagers, with his hormones all floppy, jumping around, trying to stick his dick in every hole which seems available to.
I'm needing to sleep. Maybe that's the wrong thing, the fact that of leaving everything to the end, but I just can't behave in a different way. I am just me, myself and I!
Right now, I listen to Epica, with Simone Simmons singing to "Falsches Spiel". I have the English version of this song "Running For A Fall", but this soft version of this music is just amazing. I need to thank to Ludi for having it in her profile. :) It's relaxing me! And I must confess, I can sing a little bit like Simone, I can make some stuffs with my voice like that, though I am a guy. And I was wanting to get a band, to work in different styles of music, Metal is the main one, and it would sound well to me to be able t use this "side" of my voice. I need to find the people, but they're not appearing. Maybe I am looking for in the wrong places.
I wanna find the right path. I wanna keep following the right trail, but it's being hard... Really hard! I hang around with people, some of them are not the right people, but I do trust a lot in people. Maybe a little bit too much. What to do? Things, sometimes, seems to be changing, but they always go back to the beggining. And it's not sounding good. Not at all!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
And one more night, lonely in my bd, after posting this. Not that I am needing anyone to warm me up, but the fact that till about one hour ago I was with many people at my friends Manuela' house... Some of them was taking all the kind of drugs, but I am clean. I was wishing to smoke my soft weed, but fortunately, no one had it!
A guy taking his drug... A new girl in the circle... The hot ukranian boy... Me with Manuela's fakes hair, for fun... The Ukranian guy said I would cheat him, if he found me in the streets. Too many things...
I am writing daily in this blog, as it's the only way I have to creat something, now. Through my posts, I eel I am creating something, though a memories book, to be printed in a near or far future. Something to remember later. Something to follow me up in the coffin, when I die. I've been thinking about being cremated... But then again, my fear that my body urvves to times and people can see me in 300 years... Only madness... Only emptiness, after a wonderful night... I need the guy who's the brakes for my madness...
I only can think on the music I posted... And this is what I feel... Stoned... Needing a long way from home... High-speed... My guy driving away from here... Feeling alie, for the very first time... Feeling like the first day of my life...
All hail you, who reads this blog and who listens to the song chosen by me... Thank you, my beloveds!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Today, I went out as every night, and I met with my friend M. in the caffé. She was with a guy appearing to be 20 years, at least, yunger than her (she's 53) and the guy was little bit drunk. He was a blue eyed ukranian guy, handsome one, and he was there, with her, talking, being a nice boy, talking to herand not showng any kind of emotion by her, but she was grabbing the guy, kissing him... Later, we went at her place and he went onto the bathroom and she entered to put soethiung back to his place and took some time inside that bathroom. After that, S. came home, we chatted for a while and she went to the room. Me, M. and he boy stayed in the room, seing her photo albums, watching her glory times of youth and as a grown woman. She kept on "fighting" the boy's distance.
In. came home too. She stayed for a while and when I. left, that blue eyed guy showed he was feeling horny about I.. He talked, bitted his lips and said some things. I could feel his heat inside.
It can seems like a stupid thing, but this kinda things, sometimes, drives me crazy, drives me onto an emptiness state. I feel defeat, cause I have no one feelin like that for me. The more happy I feel alone, there are a few moments I feel the need to have someone feeling something for me. And when I write about someoe feeling something for me, I mean more than sexual desire. It would be good to have someone cuddling me at night, someone hugging me near to a fire place, while both of us were taking a few alcohol or smokng weed, or simply having a warm tea, with the wood burning and the rain falling out there, with a soft song, or an extreme metal one. Just me, the guy, the fire place and the moment.
Didn't you ever felt like this? What's missing me? What's missing here? What am I doing wrong?
I feel like I am wasting all my youth and all my time. I stopped painting, I stopped writing, I don't sing for publi and don't find musicians for my music project. I do feel like I was living one of those amreican movies, about people becoming famous, like "8 mile" about Eminem, or like a "CoyoteBar"... Unfortunatelly, my way doesn't includes a bar and a hot guy helping me cruising the path. I hate bars and discos, parties I stay away from them. I mean, I am nothing but a stupid guy. I'll probably be invited to a party of a friend of mine in a Disco, in July, but I am not much confidant about that.
I wanna walk the streets and have the joy feeling again. I wanna walk the streets and smile again. I wanna so many things... But I am getting nothing.
This year, strangely, I am wishing to go the beach. Don't know if I'll go, but if Ido, so what? Yeah, so what? I'll be follwing my heart!
I've been chatting Nathaniel, from New York, a guy I loved to meet, though only virtually. We've chatted a few times. He's someone who could be the reason for me to calm down. Maybe I go to live in USA as I wish, and we meet each other and I fall in love and I live happily for ever! AH! If it was that easy, it also would be bored!
All I would like was that this defeating feeling was over. I would be happy enough... Maybe things changes soon!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
I just kept silence, while he typed it on MSN. I read today, cause my MSN has shut down, as I've gone to sleep. Is it true? May it be true?
There's not a fucking reason for me to stay alive? There's no sense in my life, for what I write? I feel like ging down. Lately I am saying it a lot, I am like falling on a never ending spiral of depression, hate, fear and so many of those feelings. It's like I was missing something which will never come back. It's like if I am missing something I have never seen, something I can't even imagine how does it looks like, how does it behaves.
"You're such a sad person, aren't you?", a girl once asked me. Well, honey, you dealt with me, eventhough in letters and that's your point of view. So I supose you got your answer by your own.
Lately, in the last two or three days, I have been unable to smile in a real way! I feel like there's the huge hole inside my chest I mention so many times, but thi time, it's a cold dark hole. I feel the wind inside my chest, like if a bazooka has hitted my chest with a shot.
I haven't listened to much Metal, lately. More on a dark ambient wave, some industrial, with those electronic sounds. Lots of Fado, lots of my beloved Amália Rodrigues and lots o that one who they call Fado singer, as well, Mariza. Lots of sadened and meancholic songs. Lots of feelings involved and none of them can be named. I don't know what to feel.
"You're a person who lives in extremes", my sis told me once, like if it was a secret.
Hun, you deal with me for ten years now and you know what I am made of. That's so simple...
I feel empty... I feel nothingness... I feel like if I was stoping, after a long car trip, on high speed... It's like the feeling of highness going away, after a few hours laughing and feeling OK! I don't use drugs for a few days, by the way!
I drunk a double Martini Tuesday night, but gone to sleep right after. So that's OK!
I am feeling bothered... I really need to go... I really need to stop by now...
Monday, April 13, 2009
But being alone is not that pleasant as I always felt, since we have the person we wish far from us. I am not talking about a guy laid naked in my bed, smiling satisfied afte he us my butt for his own pleasure. I am not talking about a boyfriend delightening in pleasure with kisses. I am talking about my mother. Though we fight each other 99,9% of the week, I miss her and ths is the first night she's spending out, at her boss' house, while he's away with his wife and left his kids behind. It's a weird feeling... This lonely night is just being great, but I feel emptier, sad, needing company... Somehow, the happily-and-proudly-alone-beast needs company!
It's a cold night out there and right in front of me, there's an open window. I feel the breeze crossing my body, my skin and flesh and reaching the bones. Right next to me, lay an ashtray with ashes from my cigarettes. I'm lightening a new cigarette and pulling the smoke to my lungs. I suppose I'll drink one of the two mini martini's bottles I have hidden in my bedroom, to make it more perfect...
For thevery first time, there's silence in the house. For the very first time, there's dark in here, while TV is playing muted, just to have a little bit o movement in this room. I need something to take me out of this state of comma. It's an awful feeling; anyhow I can feel!!
I am deadly confused... I am going to sleep for a few hours... Just finishing my cigarette and I'll be sleeping!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
People says it's a matter of time for me to change, for me to see the world in a different view. Some of the so called gothic people crticized me for listenig to Evanescence, when I used to say I was a gothic. But people does not understand that Evanescence came to help me to rise from the ashes. Perhaps,I had commited suicide a long tyime, if Evanescence hasn't poped out to the world. It's like if they have had entered in my mind and in so many things, has the same view of things and of the world than me. World, people, life...
About one hour and a shower ago, I was in the street I live in for 14 years by now, riding the swing they installed here, when they made the works in the city, change it into a tottlly new place, listening to"Everybody's Fool" in a piano intrumental, by Eclipse.This song earnt a whole new meaning for me sinceI downloaded this album. It felt like I was that little scared teenager again, feeling like a tiny shadow between the crowd... The street was empty it was ony me, the spring trees and"Everybody's Fool".
I do feel like addicted in that song. Th more I liten to it the more I inject it onto my organism, the more addicted I get. I need songs like this one, like Evanescence's ones, to help me to feel I am not alone.
Sometimes, I am surrunded by people, but I always feel alone. It's like no one could understand me andlike the moe friends I have, the more lonely I am, becaus the more friends I get, the more different they're from me. The more some people say they understand how do I feel, he less I do believe it... It's hard for me to explain...
I need to go... I nee to sleep... Maybe sleeping will heal!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Maybe the fact of have been attacked by a drunk guy, wishing to go for a fight with a tiny skeleton like me, about 10 minutes ago is soething interesting enough to keepyou entertaiened for a long night. *devilish giggle with little horns borning*
But when I am drunk or higed, if I go for writing, I am able to put my feelings out, better than when I am sobber...
It has like a feeling of emptiness, of sadness, something that will take me out of my mind... I do need to be strong. I feel like if I am in the middle of a spiral, falling and falling, turning and turning... It never stops, but now the winds blowing my face, the inspiration hitting the walls of my skulls are flowing again, but I am just too affraid and too lazy to pick up the pen and the pencil and write or draw, though I am not talented enough...
Maybe a night of sleep will heal my mind!
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Friday, April 03, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
One more night out, knowing it'll be another day of work tomorrow, though I don' care about my rest. I don't care... I really don't!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I am going crazy... Every single day that passes by, I believe more and more in that... I am more and more unstable. I smile as quick as I weep and yell. I walk as fast as I run. I scream as fast as I whisper.
I mean, it's being a little bit chaotic... Fear... Despair... Sadness... Happiness... Joy... Too many things and one single brain... Going under? I don't think so! Maybe rising from my ashes, to fall again, and then again, to rise up... Over and over till my dying day. Till my departure day! And it's what makes of me what I am! :)
Friday, March 06, 2009
Monday, March 02, 2009
Sunday, March 01, 2009
That's the way things are going lately. More than metal, my basis, but that I have so much to know about yet, I have heard more dark wave and dark electro, like Blutengel or E Nomine, and I have filled my mp3 with many of their stuffs I own on my laptop. I have heard so few Fado and so few Metal, that I have found myself strange. I have heard a few of chill out or new age songs, especially when I am ina Zen state, highed, has you wish. I have felt lately like a friend of mine said: "A mixture of hippie with goth". What means that I am a gothic hippie... O maybea hippie goth! Funny!
My use of myspace has let me meet many amateurs bands, of metal, Hardcore, Grindcore, Industrial and such. Many good bands, ome of them with long curriculas, but that the lack of support makes them anonimous to most of the audience.
I have been fine... Calm, more soft in many things... I have smiled a lot, lately! But I stillcannot avoid the feeling of defeat in the end of one more day!It's hard, at night... But I always find a solution... and like the shadow I am, I wlk the streets at night, foccused on my way and on the tuns playing out loud onto my ears and that's only me and my imagination working to the world!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
I do listen to this woman since I am a small kid, I am almost turning 22 and I still love to listen to her. She still chills my bones out in long nights of loneliness. She stills reminds me of my Death's desire. She makes me wish to honour her name wherever I do go. I show her voice to anyone who tell me he/she doesn't knows her.
And Since we al need smile, I have chosen one picture of her with a sweet smile. She deserves it. She deserves that, sometimes, my blog is not for my own sadness, for my own melancholy, but for the way I miss her, as she diedalmost 10 years ago. My love, my passion, my obsession.
I still sin her songs... I still feel her voice passing my ears and going to my chest, making me trembling... I still feel her breath, when I watch videos of her live in any part of the World.
I still desire of listening her voice live...
I still expect of a new album or of new songs of her.... I still expect of a new on te TV or in the newspaper, saying she gave a new concert and gave innovation to anything...
I still drink of her sadness, of her melancholy... I drtink her poets, like the they was the last drop of water in the desert...
I still see so much of myself in her... I still...
And so few goes on...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Anyway, "Enchantment" is such a wonderful word for tonight... Maybe not for tomorrow, but for tonight, it certainly is!
Thank for reading. Goodnight!