Sunday, November 23, 2008

Missing



I'm back home... Despite my mother and my aunt are here in the livng room, I still feel alone... I see them like shadows... I feel them like ghosts in the same place than I am now... I am with one music from Karunesh playing on youtube, which is named of gothic and it has some arabic sounds, but it's a new age kinda music, but such a relaxing one. I feel like the music is invading every kind of flesh, every vein, every muscle and I wish to move my body through the night... There's something missing in me since I am born, but I've never found out what. These kinda songs, makes me wanna dance with it's rythm, dance with the moonlight entering through the fragil glass of the window, make me wish to take all my clothes off and dnce with the wind... I feel the city calling for me and I wish I could reply to it's appeal, but it's completely impossible now... My body is too tired to do any of these things. I wanna go to my bed and lay down on it, for the very first time for a long, long time. My room was messed up, all kinda of shits around the ground and over my bed, I've been sleeping in the couch... Tonight, I'll lay down in my bed... I am a bit curious of how will it sound... Will you, my ghosts, come to haunt me tonight? Will my latest desire of having someone for me haunt my mind and tun into a night mare? How will it feel to lay down in that empty bed tonight?

I wish I could pay to see before going ahead, but I can't... At the same time, I'm anxious to try it, to feel that comfortable bed, to feel my body alone there, relaxing in every breath, relaxing in any second passing by... I think so much of Elizabeth, my greek friend, my greek goddess lately, I imagine what is she doing now, what is she feeling, what is thinking... Is she sleeping? Is she writing as a mad, once again? Is she talking to someone flowers in any garden in Athens?

The bight out there and my bed in here are calling and it's a crazy feeling... It's like being a balloon... In one hand, I'm rising in the air, with the sky, with freedom so close, byt in the other hand, I am being pulled by a tiny rope in a child's hand... Tonight, I'll taste my bed... Karunesh will play one last time, I'll will dance in my inner world, as the sexy female dancer in the kingdom and as the king in the throne... I will be the man who lays down in the King's bed, naked, feeling the satin, and the king laid over him, possessing him... I will be so many things tonight and maybe, I'll be nothing!!

The night is calling me... The sleep is taking me away... The silver star light shinning and the moon brlliant path are there, if anything goes wrong...

Goodnight

Saturday, November 22, 2008

NO LONGER...

Originality no longer pleases me... Being yourself no longer makes me love you in a different way... Boozing no longer helps the feeling of emptiness... Getting highed no longer makes me forget of my problems... Emptiness no longer hurts me... No longer will be there for me the angels landed for salvation.

No longer seems the best "description" for what things are and used to be! No longer...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wondering


Sometimes, like right now, I wonder why do I write on those blogs, when nobody will ever see ot. Nobody will ever read my words, nobody will ever try to understand them, nobody will ever stop for a while to read. I also wonder why do I "fight" so much in a job, when the best they are, they don't pay me what they're owing me. I wonder...

I just came from the caffe I've been at with some of my friends till a few minutes ago and I felt like I was going to fall in the ground I felt too sick, too dizy, with my body boiling. I laid in my friend's legs, with the eyes closed, like I was dead. In my mp3, Amália Rodrigues was singing a song called "Canzone Per Te", an Italian song she used to love and she sings it very well. I am missing something... I am in the middle of a confusing status, like feeling sad an happy at the same time and that's really freaking me out. I was feeling like I was dying but despite it make me feel scared, that brought me too much peace. Strangely it was peace I was feeling for dying in a caffe, in the middle of friends. But it's stupid, I am feeling so happy, so joyful, that I shouldn't feel that way, I shouldn't feel that peace.

Night ended up when I cam home, walking with some friends through the streets, with the cold breeze of this night, which seem to going to cut my flesh and freeze my bones till they get more frail than porcelain. I am fine... I am crazy... I am in the middle of sadness, the real reason of my existance. Maybe, that's the Fate I have to follow till the end. Maybe that's the reason I am here, to become famous thanks to my sad way of being, to the sadness I pass to all my works. Maybe... Maybe... Too many maybes for a pssing by time, with no turning back.