Friday, December 31, 2010

Why??

Yesterday, I said to a guy that someone in my past broke my heart so hard, that when I have chances to be loved, I just run away. I turn my back and walk away. I just can not open the gates to my heart anymore. Those barrieres I created around me are too strong. Someone penetrated them, but I fought and could make that person give up.
Today, the reason for that barriers, shown up in my life, once again. Those eyes, settled in mine, again. That body, almost touched mine. That scent, entered my nose, invaded my soul. I saw him! He saw me! Does he loves me? Does he even reminds me? I would kill for him! I would die for him! I would take a shot or a stab for him! I would fly to the moon and return for him. So many years passed by and still I don't know how to let love come into my heart. So many years gone by and he is still the reason for the barriers around me. He still is the reason for the gates in my heart, locked and chained, so no one can penetrate it.
My mind... My poor mind siffered such a hit today. Smoked a little bit of pot, that I wasn't wishing to, just because I was wanting to stop thinking about him. Things gone wrong! I am no more the same Bruno. Once again, something changed about me. The time I lost him, the time he was mine, changed me. Learned and growned a lot with that guy. He shown me myself without the shell, he shown me myself!! He saw how I was... He left me naked, no clothes, no make-up on my bad things or in the good ones... He knew, even being drunk, exactly how I was, in the very first time we have ever talked. And i miss someone who can do that! Someone that wake me up with a single smile. Someone that drive me crazy like this. But, in the end, I was just nothing, just another one.
I'm not yours,
You're not mine. but why? Why things gone this way? Why did you destroyed the best that I had in me? And why have you decided to come into the café where I go every single night of my life? Why did you came and messed my world, without a warning? Why do you still affect me?
I feel ridiculous feeling something like this I feel ridicyulous to still dream of you I feel ridiculous of holding a vain hope of having you in my life again. I hate it! I hate you! I love you!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Doubts and Choices



It's strange how do we spend a whole file fighting to get something and when it's given to us, we run away from it. For a long while that I am alone, since I've fell in love with a guy... A terribly handsome guy, with the typical smile of the hunters... A guy who talked to me naked and drunk, for the very fisrt time, but that absorbed all of my soul in that same moment. Our second conversation, both serious and fun, but then he shown me myself without the shell and it was what made me love him. He could make me fly without the pot, just his addictive smile, his green eyes... Then, it came the end, because I've been nothing, but a hobbie for a few days. I believe that, despite the hate I felt in the following days, something of me remained in him... Now, a few years later, I still think of him. His smile still aunts my dreams. When I dream of faceless smile, it's his smile, his motherfucker look, his wicked body I see.

Now... It actually had a guy who I met yesterday, we've been chatting but he was insisting to be part of my life, to be someone that would stand by my side and I just had to run away. I felt like if my kingdom was being invaded. I closed my heart a long while ago.

Sorry. The moon shinning is still the same nowhere blue sky's moon I've seen where I came from. This is the same brilliance I've seen ages ago. This is the same moon which shone over my caravan. in my previous life. This is the same moon brilliance that Dinosaurs saw. But for me, this is no longer the same moonlight since that ghost was born inside of me. This is no longer the same heart I've had, these are no longer the same feelings, I used to feel.

Walking down the street, listening to the cars passing by... Listening to the tiny voice of the river in my city... Paying attention to the groups out there... Choosing, once again, the dark park to walk home even faster than usually... Pot, lots of pot smoked today, but it wasn't enough... The more I smoke, the less good it's doing, because my soul doesn't stops feeling... in fact, it feels more, my mind, my thoughts are unleasehd. The night is tastier highed and the road and high speed are more willing to be gotten.

Sometimes, I think how it would feel if I coud turn back time. If I could go back and change some stuffs. If could have done different options... This is time for me to pick someone up and get my "marriage"... Why? Why do people always think that the solution for my "complication" is getting someone? Why would i want to reapeat that bad experience? Why?

I wish I was next to the sea... To find my hole in the ground, warm and humid, and hide inside, such as a hurted beast. I need peace of mind, but it's unrecheable. I needed the whole languages and every supports and materials to paint a canvas and evethough,that would never be enought to say what's on my mind, on my soul.

I don't need you... You don't need me... It's all relative... There are many fishes in the sea, go out and fish any other else... I am a broken thing, without any possible fixing... I need my space... To pack up my stuffs and move to the house which belonged to my beloved grand dad for a few days, weeks or months... I need to get in a stranger's car and being driven through the night, to far away from here... Maybe this stranger is the killer which will save me all the pain... The killer I look for everysingle night I pass in that dark park... Maybe, justy another lover of single night and I'lll never see or hear from him again... The forest whispers my name and the darkness beings are trying to call out my soul... But, once again, I am too far...

Suicide is NOT an option... Not now! Self-harming... Tomorrow it would hurt even more looking to my arms, to my new scars. What to do? Fall asleep and never ever wake again.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Vain... It's everything so vain...


Life, for example. People try to grab it as strong as they can, but it escapes through their fingers. Life and Time pass by and we can not buy them back. They go, they run and laugh at our faces.

Lies!! Lot's of lies!! Nothing more, but lies!! Why are we always cheating on each others? What's the matter? what's the point?

Tonight, though it's Christmas, I am not fine. I am in one of those nights I feel I am doing nothing on Earth's surface, I am feeling such a deep sadness, a deep melancholy, but I can not put on words all my feelings. I can not sa what's going inside my old soul.

I read others' poetry, some people who are not published and then I look at mine and that's when I doubt of my abbilities. I start disliking my words, I start disliking my paintings, I start disliking so many things in me... And I try, try hard, try harder, but it seems nothing's good enough to my soul. I feel it in shattered pieces, like a lil bit of ash disperse in the wind, flying over the sea.

The sea... Oh! How I miss the sea, it's chant, it's small, it's grandness... The sea, my brother, who cries so many similar pains to mine.

I need to go off to bed... Head's hurting... And this is being to heavy... Heavier than it ever was!