Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Reverie


Damn! I started typing an entry! I have deleted it right after! I started watching some stuffs on Facebook, hoping that perhaps I would feel like typing anything and making the money spent in this half an hour worthy. It doesn't works either. I open pornotube.com and I start seing some of those videos they post in there: one dude takes sperm up his ass and he still forces it to come out, so his partner can lick it and "feed" him with that right after... I do open another video, where I see an 18 years old boy masturbating in the middle of the wood. It worked in a different way than I was expecting: in one hand, it worked to make me horny(ier), what's not a new. in the other, it made me take a decision that will change my whole "planning" for the afternoon and although I know that I m taking the wrong decision, I am going anywhere else, when my time here is over.

This entry has been a bit hard to start, but here it is, being developed... listening to Buika singing "Loca" always helps. 5 minutes left... Luckily, I have written most of the things that popped in my mind, when I finally managed to develop this entry.

Earlier, I was seing a post by Christopher Rice and I have found a profile with the name Indigo Spirit. He is quite attractive and that is on of the reasons why I have decided to steal this picture from his profile. It also made me wish to come over here and post this picture: If no words have popped out from inside of me, I think I would have simply posted this picture, as it is worthy enough!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

playing Magic The Gathering... eating marshmallows....

Been in the cafe after the dinner. Nothing new about that. A friend turned 22 yeats old. Happy birthday, M. Enjoy it well. Part of the last few days have been insane due to the bad mood. My mood keeps floating and swinging. My mood keeps swirling and dragging me into a strange and stupid despair. My mood drives me bitchy, making me not controling my tongue. I reply to people without thinking: dear people, are you going to piss me off? Do not tempt me to unleash the worst of me...

Been at another friend`s house. We`ve been playing the old card game "Magic The Gathering" as we used to play in our teen times. It always feels good. doesn`t matters how harf rhimgs can be or seem. All I know is that it`s missing less than 20 minutes to be 5 a.m. and I still have a bit to walk home. Night has always been my element, but there are a few things and people to.fear around this city. My stalker is one of them. My stalker is the one I love.

Magic... the card game... moon.... moon in the sky... moon in my heart... the sound of my steps in the street... my silent lover wannabe!!! 

I crave for the one I can not have. I crave for myself. Those who crave for me... you`re cursef to simply crave and desire.

Time to leave and go home. Time to allow my thoughts the free ride. Time to walk and pay attention.and listen to the world around me!

Friday, May 17, 2013

Playing Monopoly until late hours... Bad mood all the way...



4 a.m.. I should be at home for a long time by now. But here i am, at my friend Marco's house, playing Monopoly with him and with another friend of ours. I mean, I am no longer playing Monopoly, as I simply quit, when both the players turned out to become too big Lords for my tiny pocket. Even in the game, my own life's repeated. No money meaning my desistence. I care not, it is just a wicked game!

We've been listening to Marilyn Manson and then Marco changed the CD. At this moment, in the tiny living room that he created in his old bedroom, Dani Filth is yelling and growling. They keep playing and I can listen to their laughs. I can listen to them discussing the game. Damned!

My mood hasn't been the best one in the last few days. On Manhunt, the gay website I am at, I have been contacted by a dude of my own age. After seing my pictures, he seemed quite interested in me. My mood (back to it) hasn't properly been the best one, so this dude has been standing several and long conversations on how i want to be left alone. The dude seemed a bit resistent, but he lasted for three days. I try no to look for him. Send h three text messages today and got two back. He virtually died, like a character I could kill within me in a bad quality novel or short story, after several hits of bad humour. This dude virtually died and, maybe like a real life death, he's not coming back. Perhaps he is, tomorrow or something. We never know. The last dude I have decided to give him a try, stopped texting me just like that. i felt not bothered, as I deleted his number days after. Seems that not telling the truth drives us to a place where we're called of dishonest. But telling out the truth, leads us to be bitches at others' mouth or, at least, very, very spooky!

My mood has been shitty and for a long, long time that i didn't had a chance to sit down, without anyone observing me or close enough to read these personal lines while they're being written. i don't mind people reading a few stuffs after they're written, but i don't feel comfortable being read while i tymping or writng whatever I am typing or writing (of course that the lines might not contain TOO personal shits, or i won't write them at all, not even in my diaries. There are a few truths I don'0t even confess to myself: it's far enough for me to have to live with them in a daily basis!)

But this night out playing Monopoly with two dear friends of mine has been really good. i laughed and enjoyed a few hours of fun. the music has been really good and very reminder of my "birth" place. I just need to improve the changes to finally be myself again. I want to be able to look to myself again and feeling comfortable with what I am seing. And i have been a bit more lazy about that already. And in the end, when that atitude is taken, no one will ever be able to point a finger again. When you're pointing a finger, I have a favorite saying / quote for such situation: Just remember, when you're pointing a finger, there are three fingers pointing to yourself!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Sadeness and insanity and anything else...

My mind is somewhat of fucked up! There are quite a few stupid kiddos right here and I have seen them staring the computer's screen: had to shut my secret twitter's account and i can not search anything of what I want! I wanted to post another entry with Logan McCree's pictures, as a worship post!


I'm pissed off and sad! I'm insane, almost like getting up and start dancing! I'm almost about to put extreme gay porn playing, so these kids will make sure not to look at my screen and to leave the shit out off me alone, typing, searching, posting, doing whatever I want!



There are way too many things passing through my mind and I am able to see that I am one of the very few people who are honest with themselves! And that hurts me!




Friday, May 10, 2013

Questions?!...


I do wonder, from times to times, what would my life be if everything had gone the way I wanted or expected. If so, at this moment, I would be a famous painter and rock start, based in Los Angeles, living my life from painting and singing rock hits. or my own rock hits.

Starting with the questions:

  1. What if I haven't made so ,any mistakes, starting from allowing my self to sink so deep, that I am almost helpless and hopeless?
  2. What if I have studied all I had to study?
  3. what if I have worked ahrd(er)?
  4. What if I have found someone sharing my dreamings (I did!) and have grabbed his/her hand?
It is useles to ask nowadays. time won't go back. And since time doesn't walks forwards and since I am aware of that, what the hell am I sitting here, at this exact moment, complaining, instead of being outside trying?

I am proud of myself in a sense: for a long time that i am saying that I need to cut off some addictions. Earlier ago, when that fussy dude was outside with a couple of "friends" of mine, I refused to smoke of their joint. Perhaps I keep that track and later, at night, I'll keep refusing it. Perhaps, at night they'll be pissed off at me, because I'll grab someone else's joint and I'll smoke from it! I wonder if, since i have been able to stop a 20 years old addiction of bitting my nails, I will ever manage to drop off cigarettes...

I wonder... I have way too many questions... But still too few answers...

Saturday, May 04, 2013

So much...


so much to be said! So much to be typed! So much to be done! But the wrong paths always feel like the most pleasant ones! The wrong and easier paths always feel like the best ones!

There's so much to be typed... but the time is pretty short...