Saturday, December 29, 2007

Laid In My Coffin

I wonder, for long hours, what am I doing here!!! I listen to the music within my head and it's calling me, it tells me to lay down in my coffin... Finally, peace... Or maybe not. It's just a desire, a suicidal desire within my mind, within my inner world!!! So, I'm here, typing those words, while I am listening to Tarja Turunen's new Single... Things happens for a reason and so did her departure of Nightwish. It served to prove herself, to Nightwish's crew and the fans themselves that she could do great alone!!! I'm here... She's there... Nightwish moved on and are still there... Everything and everyone moves on!!! And in the end of the night, all I want is to be laid in my coffin...

Friday, December 28, 2007

Here I am!!!!

No, it's not the music from Bryan Adams! I am a bit lost inside the new CD of Tarja Turunen... It's amazing and it's a kick in the butt of all those who said that she would "die" out of Nightwish. She has a reason to keep all the old fans (like me) and to earn new fans. I am here in the wrong mood, but I'm surviving!!!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Away For A Few Days!!!!

Tomorrow I'll be gone from Cacém, for a few days... I'll be visiting my grand dad at his house, in Northern Portugal, about 400 km´s from here. I love my grand dad, though I don't enjoy talking to him by phone, cause I miss him, just by listening to his voice and not being able to see or touch him. I love the old tiny village where he lives... I have grown up in cities, but villages are great for me, especially if they're almost desert, like my grand dad's. I'll be gone for a few days, but I'll be back in 4 or 5 days...
To all those people who likes and still believe in X-mas, I wanna wish you a merry Christmas(X-mas). I don't know if I'll be able to surf the web before new year's season, so I wanna wish you a Happy New Year too!!!
Away for a few days... Away from Cacém... God, it'll be Paradise!!!

Monday, December 17, 2007


I am lost... A bit wordless and then, I can't define what am I feeling, though I'm checking some of my feelings out... Lost and lost, and only then I can find myself... I don't know...

Thursday, December 13, 2007


I still wonder about  some things... Stupidity annoys me a lot!!
It's incredible how people always forgive and await for that someone who has decided to run away from his/her responsabilities, while I'm hating that same guy, for the time he made me waste!!!

People also enjoy making of me an idiot, but I am not standing that anymore! You borrowed something for me? Well, I want it back, with no chances of conversations...

I don't have nothing more to say today!! I'm too irritated for monologues!!!

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Do you belong...?!

I get amazed with people's stupidity... Sometimes, I might be meanic or unfair, when I judge some people, but I feel that I have something to judge... I look around, I look at people and I see emptiness; maybe I'm empty too, but I don't see that in me (we're always too blind when it comes to look to ourselves)! I might be empty to the others, but my art, my literature and music fullfils me with great joy, though on the outside I feel, sometimes, unable to express it... I think I might care a little bit too much about the others' judge; it just frightens me, because I don't want to be held down by their opinions again.

Yesterday, I went out to dinner at a restaurant... My friend's, Marta, birthday dinner, but I haven't enjoyed it properly... I wasn't feeling properly good, I have been depressed since I woke up, but the night ended well for me, because of the friendship and of the feelings I got back, when I had my friends together... I haven't felt that for a long time! We took some pictures and I could smile a while, when I was taking pictures with some of my friends... Really, things seemed better, but when some of the people walked away, their presence (or the lack of it) was felt... I went home and ended my night on the street 'till 5 a.m. waiting for my mother to come from work, taking care for the niece of her boss... It was so cold, but singing helps... People in the street pushing cars, the police passing by... People coming home... The moon wasn't shining, but the night was great, despite the cold...I was talking to the atmosphere or to myself (one never knows)... I sung and an hour passed by... I passed by the night and I'm here, now... Now... Who knows where I'll be in 5 minutes...?

After looking at some pictures on hi5, I see some people which call themselves of "gothics", or even the others and it gives me the impression they don't know nothing about the gothic. They need to feel they belong to somewhere or to something, like I do, as I dress up the gothic lifestyle, I live it... But the need of feeling that they belong somewhere is just human!!!

I am thinking about having one blog where the domain language will be my mother language, the Portuguese. I know I can always write in Portuguese here, but you'll have to look around for a while and you might not find it before your head blows of impatience!! If I do it, you'll have news!!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

After something... And After All...

I'm here writing this entry, after posting a comment at Fernando Ribeiro's blog. He posted one text about the most truthful things that happen in the Portuguese music market and I started thinking and decided to post a comment... I surrended to his words and my brain started working in all of that...
I posted a very short entry in the diary of my hi5 account and I am still numb, with no words... Things that are so real, that they could even scare the most common of the mortals... People usually to say "chase your dreams", but when you do it, they bite your head off.
About the gothics and the metal fans which wears their "metal" clothes, people also use to say that it's just a phase, but like I wrote on that comment, I'm here, after a huge storm of depression, self-mutilation, and a whole bunch of other things... I don't want to write them again!!! I'm here, I paint, I write, I sing and I do a lot of other things which makes me happy and I don't want to change it for anything, neither for anyone... I won't do that at all!!!
Anyway, besides of that, I'm a bisexual male and that's another thing I can't change to make this one, or that one happy, or even safer!! I don't chase anything; I long for my happiness and wellbeing only, if that's even possible at all!!! When y'all die, I still will be here, through my art, through my fictions, through my poems, through my musics, through my ethereal existance... No matter how, but I will be here!!!

After all... well, that's another story!! I am a truth that nobody can deny!! I am not a painter, I am not a writer nor a poet, I am not the guy which likes to hang around all night long, but which has to be at home at 2 a.m., I am not the one which, sometimes, smokes weed and laughs loud, I am not the guy which loves his friends, but that still can see throughout their surface, I am not the one which loves alcohol... I am all of them and none in specific!!!
No more pain, no more emptiness... Dying or living, making love, kissing a girl or a guy, having a BDSM session, going for car ride with a friend, listening to music, painting, writing, singing, shaking my bones and say "I'm dancing", screaming and saying "I'm singing", going for a train trip, walking the beach and talk and play with the sea, going to a psychiatrist, cutting myself, drinking, smoking (cigarettes or weed), talking, keeping my mouth shut, crying, laughing, running, walking... Nothing of those things are important, excep if I feel happy by doing them!!!

Thanks, Fernando Ribeiro, for your words!! Thanks, Elizabeth for existing and being my penfriend!! Thanks, Andreia, for the love you gave me!! Thanks, Neuza, for loving me, when I haven't been able to love you back!! Thanks to every single person in my life (even to my enemies), for helping me to grow as a person and for doing of me what I am today!! Every single person, every single event in my life, helped me to become who I am today!! To those who love me, thanks for being there for me, to those who hate me or just ignore me, thanks for helping to create me!!!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Weeping with dry eyes

Incredible stuff... Me, a gothic, a metal fan, listening only to the emotional traditional music of Potugal (beloved land), Fado. Especially, to my dear and beloved Amália Rodrigues. My soul needs to cry, but my eyes are so dry!! Listening to Amália singing the Fado "Prece", I imagine myself inside that song.
Departing and never come back... Go and die in Portugal... Why not now?! Why not at night? Why not in any morning, afternoon, night, beach, street, house, concert, etc.? I wonder how it feels to be dead and I would like to try it... I write and my inner weep calls me... Can you listen it?! Can you even see me?! I don't think so; I'm everything that you hate, I'm all that you run away of, I'm everything that you wished gone, I'm all that'll become dust... I'm a secret and a famous legend... I am me and I'll always me, till death tear us apart!!!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Internet: helpful or a waste of time?

I'm searching the web and chating my friends in MSN, I find, and others. It's a way to meet new e-friends, but someone we might never really meet, so I wonder; are we doing something good by accounting this websites, or are we just wasting our precious time and life here, in front of computers?! Anyway, I have one account on hi5 and I visit it more often than my blog. Quite stupid, I guess!!!

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Envy - Is That What You Fucking Want?

I don't understand those people which buy something and immediatelly want to show off what they have bought. They want to do an exhibition of what they have, like they was wanting to show the others they're better than they really are. Wake up; you aren't worth for what you have, but for what you are and for what you do as a person.
Envy - is that what you want that I feel?! Of course I feel Envy... I'm human, anyway, but my envy is the fact that you have a job, while I'm still looking for it; but what you have, doesn't makes you any better than me. I am wide stronger and open-minded than you are, I reach some levels of consciousness, that you have never been able too. Anyway, I'm not better than you and I don't wish to make you feel Envy for my works, my paintings, my writings, my poems, etc.. I want to feel proud of my own art, of my own life, so I don't envy the others' life or possessions...

The moon is shinning out there, and I'm playing Playstation with some friends... I wanna go outside, dancing in the moon light, smell flowers, talk to trees or to my own, listen the heartbeat of the Earth... Feeling the souls of the departed ones following me, protecting me... How many times I wandered around, trying to find something to please me, out of my art, and I ended my night drunk or highed?! I feel things in a different way than I feel when I'm sobber, but I do prefer walk the streets sobber... Maybe one day, my soul walks this empty streets...

Probably, thousands of people are making love, others fighting each others... Some of them must be sleeping, or preparing for the next day's murder(maybe mine!)... Others are going in the highway, in their cars, listening to this, or that romantic music... A thousand of chances, and I'm here, writing and playing Playstation, when it's my turn... I don't envy the others lives; I never try to imagine how could my life be if my family was another, if I have gotten any other kind of education, or religious identity...

Night is going on and I'm leaving home!!!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Deep Inside

Amália Rodrigues: "Desde que existe a Morte, a Vida é imediatamente absurda. Sempre pensei assim". translation: "Since Death exists, Life is imediatelly absurd. I always thought like that."

I see myself through this artist that I have mentioned in two of my postings...

Let's see, deep inside, we can always find the most true of ourselves, when we go across our soul, our thoughts. An artist always reaches the deepest of his/her soul through his/her creations... Lately I haven't been able to paint, but I've been writing some poems. I'm in there, whichever I like it or not... Ok, I'm not really inspired today... Maybe one of these days... If I'm still breathing!!!

Para Os Lusófonos

Letra e música: Alain Oulman/ Pedro Homem de Melo

Talvez que eu morra na praia

Cercada em pérfido banho

Por toda a espuma da praia

Como um pastor que desmaia

No meio do seu rebanho.

Talvez que eu morra na rua

E dê por mim de repente

Em noite fria e sem luar

E mando as pedras da rua

Pisadas por toda a gente.

Talvez que eu morra entre grades

No meio de uma prisão

Porque o mundo além das grades

Venha esquecer as saudades

Que roem meu coração.

Talvez que eu morra de noite

Onde a morte é natural

As mãos em cruz sobre o peito

Das mãos de Deus tudo aceito

Mas que eu morra em Portugal.

Fado interpretado por AMÁLIA RODRIGUES, um dos meus favoritos, que toca tanto na minha alma que até dói!!! É dificil quando alguém que não nós, chega ao mais profundo da nossa alma... e é assim com esta artista morta... Morta, corporalmente, a sua alma persiste em toda a obra que deixou no Mundo dos vivos...

Friday, October 12, 2007

What More Is To Come...?

Back on my blog, back on my online writing, back on settling down my ideas... It's still a part of the "Despair..." post. Maybe the part two... I am in the caffé, writing this, listening to someone talking. People joking, talking aloud, and I'm feeling lost on my own fear... "Fear of what?", you may be asking and I just have to keep my mouth shut, because I'm too scared to make the mistake of talking again... But now, it's too late!! I've talked too much and I may be chased 'till death.
It's funny how people say they love each others, but when problems  around, they turn you their backs and forget that you exist... It's sad, but true and I'm trying to run away from something that I'm too scared to face!! What can I do?! How can I run away from this problem?! Just like I said before, if my voice shuts, it might mean I'm dead...

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Inner voice

We all have an inner voice... Sometimes, we don't listen it and we don't do what we really wish to. It is, most of times, what makes us regret the past, the things that we could have done and that we have been too affraid of... Set your inner voice free, listen to it more often and you'll be way happier... Sometimes, it's the best you can do, eventhough you think things are gonna be too crazy... Don't be affraid!!! Go for it!!!
I have had to learn that I gotta listen to my inner voice, because it may be my consciense talking. It may be our deepest desires coming up... And I did, I listened to my inner voice... And, now, I can say, I won!!!


Despair can take over us, even only for seconds, and it can really damage our soul and mind. I'm living in a despair of getting killed for a mistake... The mistake of talking!! I don't know... If my words shut down, perhaps I'm dead!!!

Sunday, October 07, 2007

What for?!

I have no inspiration to write today... Maybe it's a thing of one moment only, but it's what's happening. I am trying to write something down, I am trying to put down some words on here, but I simple can´t. Why am I'm even trying?! Why am I being stupid, thinking that I'll manage to write something down, when I'm lost on shitty thoughts? What for, then?! I don't know... And I'll keep in ignorance!!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

A guitar

I'm in the caffé... There's some people around, including the waiters, of course, and next to me is a guitar. It wouldn't be the first time that I would come into the caffé and one of the employers would be playing and singing. I'm sorry that I can't play and I'm wanting too much to listen. I look into the guitar and I think of fado, the way it touches my soul. "Man, pick up the guitar and play!!", and the afternoon goes by!!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

One voice... One Soul...

Amália Rodrigues, died in October 6th, 1999... My fave singer. One of my twin Souls!!!

Next Saturday, on October 6th, it'll make 8 years since Amália Rodrigues gone... She departed and her voice have shut forever. She's a great singer!! Yes, she is!! She's still alive on her fans, friends and family hearts, so she will never really die, while there are some souls which listens to her voice, while there are some souls which cries with her words, like I do. I've never had the luck to meet her, but I'm sure that, someday, I'll close my eyes to never open them again and we'll meet each other on the other side.

Some people don't understand how can I worship Amália Rodrigues, but I grown up with her on my radio, a bit like a little pirate which was singing for me. At my home, people haven't heard much fado, but I came out broken, I do like of what my family dislikes, I like of many things that some people might consider weird, stupid or disgusting. Well, it's me and there's nothing that people can make to change me...

Friday, September 28, 2007


Not always, things gotta have a name, or a title... If I am going to write something that I don't even know what is it, I can't give it a title... I'm just trying to find out answers for everything, and I don't find out a single answer for anything... I'm affraid, like once I heard, by my smile, which seems each day farther... Only a couple of things help and I've been away from them lately: my friends and my art!!! I will not be running anymore, or I don't plan to!! Maybe one day I'll see the light... Or maybe, I'll keep blind!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Some Kind Of Destruction

It´s quite funny to watch how people judge you only for a matter of "styles"... Nowadays, we can´t talk much about styles, but about life styles. Well, it's stilll quite funny to hear people saying that I'm tired, when I'm feeling great with all the darkness inside of me. I know, the "out view" is quite important, but I don't feel it like being all of me. Ok, I admit, I'm not very well, I'm feeling empty inside, melancholic... I don't know! I fail to understand myself... I'm sorry, I'm not OK, so don't ask me for beautiful words... Emptiness... Sadness... Melancholy... A bit of Fado would help me, but it's Dani Filth who's singing on my mp3... Funny thing, I used to feel powerful when I heard this guy... But this emptiness is not helping!! Nothing does!!
After yelling at my mother, I took an anti-depressant, a pill that I wasn't supposed to take... I drank alcohol... I'm wanting to get drunk, or highed... Stoned... It would be good!!! It would be very good!!!
I hate you all, people, you who can make me doubt of myself... I'm proud of what and of who I am!!! Maybe I'll die tonight... Tomorrow we'll see!!!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Searching For Inexistance

Searching For Inexistance... Such a joke wich came into my mind!!! How can I look for something wich doesn't exists?! But this is a relative concept... I'm looking for the emptiness that I used to feel once, I'm looking for something wich is called of memory! I need sometimes to feel like dead... Lay down on the ground, with my arms wide open, looking to the sky and just relax... Stupid soul, wich feels soooo much the things, of so sensitive it is... I have a very fragile soul, maybe as any of those artists that I worship, as someone has told me before, but I don't wanna be compared to anyone. I am what I am and I'm proud of it, I am proud of being what and who I am, I am proud of myself...
I would like to turn out as a shadow, just a little shadow in the memory of someone, wich I walked in front of... I would like to, I swear!!! Maybe someday I walk into the caravans of life and nobody else will ever see me again... Dreams... Free words, in a notebook wich I don't have, except in my mind... No... No... AND NO!!! I'm here and I'll be here to see the end!!!
Some people look for fame and fortune, others for happiness, others for immortality, I'm just looking for inexistance!!!