Friday, January 30, 2009

Going Back

I am going back... Once again, I wake up early and go to my job. This is the night before one more day on the daily routine of my job in that caffé I work at... They're owing me more than €1000 for my work, but not even that makes me put my arms down and giving up on that. Yesterday, I worked 12h, because my work mate sent an SMS to my boss saying he wouldn't be working, because he was sick. Goddammit, I do not believe in that disease... At 6 a.m. he should be sleeping and he was sending a SMS to our boss. I bet he went to a disco or any shitty place and he didn't slept enough and he broke my plans for that day...
I am trying to open my own caffé and I should be visiting one caffé to get for me,but I was trapped there thanks to him. THANK YOU, ASSHOLE!
Anyway, this is not how I have ever imagined my life... Not working like a dog and getting no cash to pay my bills, with no free time to send my letters along... I have never imagined I would take an year to send my letters along. I still have my friend's Elizabeth letter to send, but I do not have her stamps. The little letter I sent her with them filled in, must have been lost by the post office guys... Lame and they should get fired... Burnt in a fire, after I fuck them roughly... I miss my friend's words and I will type a letter to her tomorrow as I find patience to wait for my old desktop to open up. My laptop has Word locked, so I need to go back to my old desktop. I know she doesn't like typed letters, but that's the only way I have to write her without anykind of interruption, without being with the pen in my hand and getting up to do anything else. I am getting too crazy, I can not do anything for more than 5 minutes, that I get bored... I don't even write, I don't even paint... I can't stand other people touch... It disgusts me! I can't stand the idea of having someone, a boyfriend or such, but in the other hand, I am getting afraid of being alone...
I hope Elizabeth can read this, I hope she finds a little time to read this... She and all my friends and can forgive me for everything, for all the delays, for all the lost items, for all the lost words, for all the time I took wrting them back, answring their e-mails, replying their phone calls...
Sorry, my loves! I will be back soon... I hope!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Three Golden Fishes

Three golden fishes and it's like is solved. It's like it helps to cease the pain and the sadness.

All inside of me is crashing... Collapsing...

People says I need to get someone, but how will that help? How will that kill all the pain inside? How will that make me desire to be alive and have fun, how will make me feel happy? How will that make me wish to go onto a party and not wish to leave five minutes later?

I feel I am going onto a new wave of depression, but my work mate told me that when people reads my blog and when they have a real view of me, when they're daily with me, it's like being two different people and my gothic little heart feels the sme words again "it's creepy"!

Damned... Insecure!! Mad!! Sad!!

Me and me... There's only me and my own company in the room... No, wait, I cannot forget the three golden fishes!

Thanks mom, for the nice surprise! =)

Sunday, January 04, 2009

The Letters I Write...

Are almost everytime too late... I try to write as soon as I can, but I never write them the soon they should be written. Other times, I have a great lck of time to go to the post offices to post them to their destiny and it happens that I take almost one year to post some letters...
I would like to be able to wite or to post them sooner, but it's almost impossible for me to get time to breathe, that it's almos suffocatng when I think in the other part of my life that doesn't includes my job at the caffé. I would like to get a boyfriend. I would like to go out sometimes. I would like to have time to spend the cash in my mobile in futile and time wasting conversations with my friends. I would like to pick up a train and go wherever I wish, whenever I wish. But I don't have the time for that, or I don't have the money I need.
Anyway, some letters I have written ust disappeared like that, so I will hae to rewrite some of them, try to find the people's addresses in my plastic box, where I keep the letters and post them tomorrow, as it's my day off from job. I need to get more time and to pay more attention to my friends all over the world.
For th time being, I got my eye in a guy, but I am scared to go ahead wih something with him... It's too idiotic for me to be so insure about something like that, but I am human after all, and I have feelings...
Too bored on this senimental crappy things, so no more things will be settled down here for that!
Anyway, letters ill follow up SOON! This time, I won't miss the postman!


Highed I am... Smoked weed with my friend Manuela and it was such a perfect night... I ended up in a bar, chatting and laughing... Ideas flowing thorugh my mind... Whole stories flying in front of my eyes... Books of tales could be written with ll this I can imagine and create in my inner world (my imagination)... And all this, highed!!

Friday, January 02, 2009

New Year's Eve: Madness!

New year's eve FINALLY passed by. Christmas and New year's eve is finally gone and perhaps, my depressive state of this season is finally gone too!
Last nigh, I was supposed to go out with my friends, but I came up so tired from my job, that I laid down in my sofa and I was supposed to sleep only 10 minutes, but I slept all night long. Mobile phone vibrated a lot, but it was in a table and I don't listen or feel vibrations. Silent mobile...
I woke up this morning and I wasn't feeling anything special. I wasn't feeling anything like a new year that has came by, anything like if I had a new life, cause it's a new year... I was just sadned, cause I passed one more night at home. But I am always tired from my job.
I work a lot... Sometimes, I make my normal time able of 9 hours, another days, I go till 12+ hours and its something which don't let my body get a "sleep timetable" and I am always worred with something, in the late weeks. I feel I am getting exausted, with no point of stop, with no way to rest, unless get out! An getting out of what? Of my job? Of home? Of everything?
I am more and more tired... Sometimes, I feel I need to get an emergency exit, but I never find that way!
Here I am, alone in the night, listening to Amália Rodrigues singing one of her Fados (Amêndoa Amarga)... In the middle of the dark of this dawn, in my living/dinning room, with the TV on and muted, Amália singing in the laptop, and one cigarette burning in my lips...
Night is going by and I have only two hours to sleep... I feel like I was a ghost... No one see me, unless he/she wishes something... It doesn't matters if it's a coffee, a look, a smile, a friend, a love or a lover, a presence in the room. Everybody's looking for something and tht's the reason everyone's sees me!
For those who still believe in a New Year's changing, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Bruno Albuquerque