Saturday, July 25, 2015

Editing. Finally, moving on.

I am finally editin' this blog's older entries. Some have just gone, others got the mistakes or the gramatical correction. Fear not. I don't either.
She was right from the very beginning and there are stuffs that simply shouldn't be on here. Perhaps, not even on my diaries. And that is why I want to get rid of what lacks real quality or meaning, of what isn't pertinent or is way too... erm, explicit?
Eventhough this last sentence could be about sexual explicit stuffs, that isn't the case... until, now. Because a few other stuffs have to disappear, vanish in the blue.

See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil.

It takes one moment to realize what you seek for a lifetime. It doesn't matters if you've studied your lessons, if you have tried so hard that you have felt like fainting, because it takes a very little moment to realize everything when you look at a very specific detail.
I use to think of him often. Too often, that he suddendly appeared in that place where I saw him after a few years. Since I gave up on thinking about him, he hasn't showed up again. And it was close. Oh, it was so close... (I keep to myself the secret that I have thought about you the other night. So much, but not that hard, in the hope that you showed up. Nothing. Nothing, this time.)
It takes a very little moment, a very little detail to notice that someone doesn't wants to see me or to notice that I am not "welcome" on a "small space". I am not welcome and God forbid me to feel bad for this - keep him to yourself, old disgusting man, I care not. I care no longer. I play no games, I have no time to play games. I have no patience for stupid games. It took me just a little moment to look deeper onto that little detail and to step back.
See no evil.

I keep my mouth shut. What happens. What I feel. What I realize and that flows through. What I listen from others.
I am a tomb.
I am the tomb of the secrets that everyone tells me.
I am the tomb of what secrets lie within me.
I am the tomb of those forever burning hearts, darkened with lies. Darkened with cheating.
I am the tomb of the moment where you have moaned. Where I have given you a secret and forbidden pleasure. I am your tomb.
Speak no evil.

I see everything happening. Or nearly. And I keep my mouth shut. I look aside.
I hear them speak on someone's back (the same that have given you their food). I turn myself off from the conversation.
I hear the comments they do between themselves and I shut my mind off such conversation.
I hear. And I hear not.
Hear no evil.

I care. I care not. Die. Skin each others alive. Keep living your own fantasy, of shit chatting, gossiping and of putting others down. Keep laughing at others' faces. I won't be around. I don't want to be around. I promise a visit and my good will just flushes down me as the water down the toilet. I speak not. I see not. I hear not.
Call me names. Blame my face and what beliefs your "brothers" have settled on me. Bring on the past and proudly wear it as a weapon. Bring on the hypocrisy, raise the glass and cheer to you and to all of them. I'll be looking away, as a stranger passes by the window of the cafe. I'll be looking away as people get in and get out of the buildings. I'll be looking away, to the fuming cars and motorcycles going up and down the avenue.
Say your prayers. It'll all be gone. We're all be gone and none of you will worth more than a black hole. We're all be gone and not even a memory will be left of any of us.
Say your prayers and believe in your immortality. As I slowly vanish away.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

It was about time

It was about time to start doing and speaking a bit less. So I got that Portuguese blog at the Portuguese platform.
It was about time to take the effort and the attitude: so I am doing more search, reading more, putting more effort onto what's important and leaving the games a bit aside. It's worth it. I'm ok and comfortable with it. Let me see where all this madness will lead me.
It was about time to buy stamps and to sen the letters that were delayed. Or, at least, those that I have had to give 'em a reply. Those that I wrote of my free will and whose reply to a previous letter I am still awaiting... wel, those people can wait for my ords a bit more. Words with months, irreplaceable, without anything really new or worthy time spent writing again and again.
It was about time to chose which are my priorities. Deeds are way more worthy than words. That's a fact.
It was about time. Let's fly together to outside of this wicked place that we call of comfort.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

It's closer each passing day

I am sitting on the couch of living / dinning room and the day has already risen. Outside, the neverending cycle of people getting out of home to go to work has already begun. Some others, might be just arriving from their works. Others, might be returning from their night out partying. I am, however, sitting down on my couch, listening to music from youtube, smoking my cigarettes, eating cakes or cokies and drinking water. Lots of water.
I have spent the night doing this and that and doing nothing at all. I have spent the night checking articles online seing cute videos of animals and even one of a Nepalese boy who defended his goat pet from getting slaughtered on a sacrifice ritual (haven't I read that Nepal has a festival in honor of dogs, due to their friendship and loyalty?). In the meantime, I read an article of June about one fadista (fado singer) that was giving a free concert in Lisbon. The article was from a Portuguese website, that also has an e-mail system, blog and a whole paraphernalia of features. In the past, I have had an e-mail account there and I have been thinking on using that platform to write my thoughts there. Yes, I know I have at least three blogs, but I need to do some cleanings and corrections on here and there, so why not using a Portuguese platform during the meantime? About my words in English, I am heading towards wordpress, where I have tried toget an account too, but it seemed way complicated to me. Perhaps, today is the day that I head towards those steps an do what I have been delaying.
Every single fucking day is another day that people piss me off a bit more. It means that every fucking single fucking day I am in a bigger hurry to write and write, even if it is on my blogs, to spit blasphemies to the Gods of perfection that are most fucking humans. It's closer. It's so closer to my birthday, to my trip headed to North, to peace quiet and silence, green everywhere, mountains, lots of woods to walk through... I need to start this cleaning, editing, maintenance... choose you, Gods of fucking perfection and of fucking political and ethical correct what words suits it the best. Because it is each passing day closer. And I suspect I might start up today.

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Saturday, July 04, 2015

Lost

Under the city lights, I walk.
On the road by my side, the cars pass by.
I stare the full moon. I'm not even there, in that moment. I am somewhere in the cosmos, except there.
I walk under the city lights.
I can't see you! Where are you?
Familiar faces. Here and there. And not always familiar, means friendly.
Night time. Thoughts fly away. Nothing matters.
The ful moon spreads it's light. If I were in the woods, the trees would be killers or traps. Shadows could be spirits appealed by any kind of offering. Aliens to study anatomy. If I were in the woods, I would be nothing more than a little worm.
I feel and my feelings go to waste. I feel and everything burns.
What calls the past? And what's wrong than being our own views portraited what bothers us the most? What calls the past, worst than that?
I see. I feel. I try to survive. But I am so lost. Lord, I feel so lost.