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Showing posts from October, 2013

Social networks, hook up and the whole thing

My aunt has requested Internet for her house. She also bought a tablet. I think she feels quite lonely and this is a way of her to grant that I come here. She doesn't needs to do that to have my company. I love my aunt and even when she had television only, I would come here for lunch and to spend a few hours with her. But that is not the point, althou it still "hits" loneliness.
In times, I used to have an account on a website for gay men. I have deleted all the old and unused accounts. Now I back there. I have gotten 13 messages since the last time that I have been there. For some people, that might not be much. For me, that is too much. Older men looking for whatever it is. I opened the profiles, shutted them off and deleted the messages.
Due to a friend of mine (actually, an ex-penpal of mine), I have created an account on a website of the kind. It is the old website where I used to be before Facebook (me and a whole group of people, friends, acquaintances and anonymou…

I just want a bit of quiet and peace

Staying up until late. It is my daily routine. I always find smethng interesting to do. In times, I used to be on a social network for men. I have deleted my account on it, but now I have gotten a new account on another social utility. It is the social utility used before Facebook and I am there out of curiosity. It,s weird, but I can still recognize old "lines" from the website. It is weird though.
I am wanting to type this and then... well, I might just lay down and sleep. I have had sme ideas on what to do, but I know that I mgiht fond an excuse to stay awake another night long. I feel sleepy and tired, but still I am in the mood for more discoveries. I am wanting to la down, but at the same time, I am wanting to keep here, seing other people and other stuffs.
Days ago, I have opened Facebook and I have decided to go through my friends and put them in the various lists. My family is in restricted and family lists. I want to avoid over-sharing with them. They haven't bee…

Random thoughts, Full Moon, anger

Let me type about something random. I could type about my night. On how I did got so annoyed, so mad, that I am still a bit pissed off. Too damned bothered, to be able to relax. I am listening to music, to try to calm down. It is not working, although my mind seems to start flowing more softly. It is entering in the "zone" of soft sadness, after a grand attack of bad mood. Me at my best! It is all cool. It'll be chilling soon. I hope. Random thoughts. What can I type about? The Full Moon that I haven't looked at, due to the Earthly problems? About vampires, werewolves, witches dancing in a forest? About how life and the night are calling for me, and here I am, inside my dungeon, on the 5th floor of a building of apartments. Here I am, trapped by my boring, soul killing daily / nightly routine, without a single move to improve / change it.  I could type about something more. Maybe about the forever plans for tomorrows, that turn into another tomorrows. It wouldn't wo…

Arab music

Late in the night. I have just arrived, after spending a few hours in the gas station with a few friends. While I have been there, someone has spoken about the arab language. It is the kind of language that the person considered cool and very beautiful, but some kind of language that doesn't allows him to understand it.
One of the many kinds of music that I truly enjoy is the arab style. Of course that like all the styles, I am not into all the musics. I don't know much of arab music, but there are a few musics that really pleases me. There are many musics that drive me so crazy, that I start moving my hips and I start making my belly moving, under the clothes.
As I have downloaded loads of music, the same has happened with this kind of it. There are quite a few to be deletes for a dew countable reasons: the music is too short, what means the song is not complete; the music doesn't pleases me as it should and it could be continued. But I still want to go through the download…

Music, lyrics, escapes...

I have a little idea that I have written that I would like to share a few songs, with their lyrics right below it. I've done that with Stone Sour's amazing "Through Glass" and Doro Pesch's awesome "Heaven I See". Both great songs, from great artists. Both lyrics have touched me in different and special ways.
The first one, has a lot saying by itself.
The second song... well, it speaks about love. Loving the person for what he / she is. Forgiving the bad things. Holding in the arms and supporting through the bad times. Inner hell burns. It feels like heaven.
Maybe madness heals madness.
Similarity annoys me. In fact, I feel quite disturbed by people who are very alike me.
This has been just an idea. I can't remember if I have really typed about such idea or if it just stayed inside my mind. But the thing has started working. And I think that it'll happen more times, when I am feeling like it.
One way to allow my inner demon to rule his hell, is to unle…

there's still no such great love for me

You hold me when I'm sad
You love me when I'm bad
It feels like I'm falling
Heaven I see and it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see I thought I would die before I met you
You brought back to life all that is true Chorus:
You hold me when I'm sad
You forgive me when I'm bad... Bridge:
I've walked through the fire
Been baked through the coals
You lifted me higher
Both body and soul, Yeah Chorus:
Heaven I see
And it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see. Yeah
Heaven I see
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see and it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Is finally set free
Heaven I see, Yeah

Words are needless. It says it all

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget... you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect to bitter folks
And while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene

rain... heavy rain...

Like I have typed in the previous entry, it has been raining. What seemed to be a regular Autumnal rain, turned out to be a very heavy rain. It rained as if the sky was falling. It rained until the road become, literally, a mini river. Plastic bags by the trash containers side, were dragged by the running water. Lightening has been hitting. Weak thunders.
Heavy rain. Heavy rain falling. Waterfalls created in the buildings outter walls. Rivers on the road. I am trying to imagine the strenght of the waters in the small river the crosses the city. People with umbrellas. Useless umbrellas, due to the amount of water and the strenght of the wind. People inside the cafe talking. Watching the rain. Life passing by and the entire universe of my being foccused on the rain.
Night. Late night. If it were summertime, it would be breaking dawn in about half an hour. Right now, it's still dark night. The blue moonlight lightens the darkest corners. Through the window of my living / dinning roo…

It's raining

Awesome, gloomy nights. Not too cold. They're not hot either. The fog comes down and the idea of a thunderstorm excites me. Nothing happens.

Today, it has been raining. I have been with a very good and of friend of mine. We've had time to talk. I got all the news I had to get. We've had the time to walk under the rain, tohide some balconies from the buildings. While walking down the street, the rain was falling on me. I have had the chance to think. To think seriously. Words from friends. Spoken words that are making me lift my head and making think: "how can I do this?", instead of just thinking: "I can't do this". There's still some struggling about thr fact of getting up and move for it. But it's missing a very short step.

I am sick and tired of the point my life's at. I am needing more than this lifestyle can offer me. And it is not good... unless I direct my energy to do the things. And that's what has to happen, because I don,t w…

About nightwalks, coffee and my life

Years ago, I read one post at E.'s blog. She typed about nightwalks. At that time, I was a bit too young to understand such thing. Nowadays, night walks are the regular stuff for me. With people or by myself. In way many times, with cold, rain, in hot nights... I went out of m flat, picked the elevator to leave my 5th floor and go out. I walk with no destination. I walk to the gas station to drink one coffee. One more coffee.
The nearly full moon in the sky has been my company tonight. People have left the cafe earlier than usually. Most of those who were there, wasn't the kind of company that I wanted. I came home and left again. To the gas station. I walked up the avenue. Stopped by the gas station. This fat gay man, friend of a friend, asked me about our mutual friend. He also asked me if I found the boy that I've greeted handsome. "Yes, he is" I replied "but I like bigger men". 
I have left. Slowly, with my earphones playing the music, I walked down t…

There's a little flame within

Despite all my words and actions.
Despite all the hate and all the cold that seems to freeze my heart, there's a little flame within it. The little flame fights and resists to all the bad experiences, failures, disapointments. It keeps burning, surrounded by the ice. But still, it burns. There's not enough cold to kill it.
My heart has a little flame.
Behind all the bad things, there's always a little hope burning.
Let me spread my wings and fly away freely.
It doesn't really matters what keeps my trapped.
All the lies,
All the denials,
All the disapointments,
They don't really matter.
Every wound has it own story.
Every person lives a very single and personal history.
Every single memory will be unique. No one has the same memory / view of the things.
Every single singer can sing about love. But each and everyoneof them will have his / her own view and feeling of it.

Self-love, self-hate.
They're both burning in a single chest.
And we still fear. We still hate. We still argue…


I am looking for a meaning for so many things.
Sometimes, in the street, it seems that I smoke a bit less than at home. At home, I can smoke freely. Outside, there'll always be someone asking for a cigarette, so I keeo themmfor longer time. I don't smoke and tell prople that I don't have cigarettes. They'll last. At ome, they'll simply burn.
I am aware that I don't have another option, but to get up and go for it. I meed to go and do it. I need to fight for what I need to. Instead, I am just sitting down, typing endlessly. Eternal complaints and moans and groans about how life shits and sucks. I won't get anywhere while I keep accepting things this way. But I still feel unable to give an efficient reply to that situation. It sucks and fucks continuosly with my mind. I sucks and it is just my business to go and do it.
Stop complaining, asshole!
You typed similar words in the other blog .

You must get up and GO FOR IT AND JUST …


This is not a poetry. Nor an attempt of it. This might change, as I continuosly keep changing the kind of music that I'm listening to. Right now, Blackmore's Night sing their "I still remember". I was in the desert and now I am back in time. Castles. Knights. Lust. Burning candle in the church. The cathedral looks way newer, but it looks a bit darker inside. Other times. Love. Love brings poetry and hope carrying on. Lust keeps us alive. Danger outside is a reason more than valid to have something to make us feel like that. Centuries have passed and it hasn't changed much. In other meanings, it has changed quite a lot.
I am trying. In one hand, I really am. In the other, it seems that I am trying, but not the right and meaningful things. I know about that. I know exactly what's wrong with me. And it is not anything that I just could distress about. It is about my own options.
Time to let go of this for now.

Nightwish: about Tarja Turunen, Anette Olzon and Floor JansenJansen

In the previous post, I have welcomed Floor Jansen as the new permanent vocalist of Nightwish. Troy Donockley is another permanent member of Nightwish. Anything related to this, go to the previous post and click in the link, to the website of Nuclear Blast, showing this new, with all the details.

In the previous post, I've wanted to simply congrat Floor. Right here, I am going to type a bit about the three vocalists. My personal view. My words, about how the made me feel in very different ways.

To begin with, who better than Noghtwosh's first vocal, Tarja Turunen? For some, the Angel! For many of the people, the real icon of Nightwish's glory.
Nightwish got their fame through the mix of Tarja's unique voice and their symphonic Metal. It was nice and pretty and things gone well, but not for long. I have a DVD, whose name I can't remember, where it was possible to understand that through their path, they've always had problems with band members. It happens. I liked Tar…

Nightwish welcomes Floor Jansen as a permanent vocalist

I was seing my G+ news feed, when I got stuck on a new that I was alreay expecting: Floor Jansen has been introduced as the permanent vocalist of Nightwish. I got the new in the webpage of Nuclearblast. Here's the link to the new:

I am leaving all the details for the experts!!

This post, served the single and only purpose to congrat Floor Jansen fpr such position. You deserve it and your voice is amazing. I listen to you since the times of After Forever. Haven't had the same attention about ReVamp, due to life issues. But your voice is wonderful. I think it'll suit Nightwish's amazing works very well and you'll make it remarkable.

Killing time

I am killing time before going to the cafe. 9:20 pm and I consider it too early to get out and go to the cafe. A friend of mine will possibly meet me there. But like the "possibly" say, it is just a possibility. He'll get his girlriend to her work and they'll head to the cafe. Since it is not our ordinary cafe, I doubt they'll allow my friends to get in after midnight. I'll be going there in a bit. About the others, luck and patience, if I manage to get the necessary patience to be there awaiting for them.
I am listeing to music.
One f the many musics that  have been massively dowloading. Possibly, I'll dowload a bit more when I arrive to the café. Maybe, I won't download any more ntil I manage to surpass the struggling with the remaining space in any of my memory cards. Let's see. Only there, I will be able to decide wether I download or not more music.
Just killing time before heading myself out and put my effort in the walk through the streets.

Sunday, music and fantasies

I will try not think too much. I will try to do it.I have downloaded a serious amount of individual songs for my phone. It memory card is full. Some of the musics that I have downloaded were such a new for me and also, some of such news, hasn't pleased me that much. Others, in the other hand, are the most pleasant songs that I have had in my possession for a long, long time (even those depressive pnes)! I am thinking on the solution to solve such fulfilling of my barely full memory card. I have two others memory cards in my possession, one filled with music and the one filled with music and the other one is half full. Eheh, funny thing. I am thinking on deleting those songs that doesn't please me that much.the other ones, I'll keep them. I'll download more music, if the thing goes insane again. I need a solution for this. And I am thinking on the most immediate one.
I haven't spent that much time in the café. Usually, I am there for aout two or three hours. Today, I&…

I'm nobody's puppy

I will not be nobody's puppy!
No man will put his paw on me.
No man will rule my life.
If there's something I really don't want, is to be anyone's pup! I don't want to get this "hunged"!

You'll have to get born 100.000, 1.000.000 times to be my master!

I am like the wind, I amlike the sea, no man can grab me between his hands. If anyone picks me in his hands, Ill drip between their fingers. 

I am a chimera: a mytical creature. I am the myth that someone has heard about, but that has never really seen.

Through the mist, tales about me are told, but where does the truth ends and begin the lies? Where are the facts about me or about my existance?

Through the mist, my tales get lost. The sea mist gets up in the morning fog. My taleis told one more time!

The city of my tales, which one is it?
No one dares to name the city. No one dares to say it's name.

In my city, men leave their uniforms aside and I dress them in leather. Their asses are exposed. Boots in their…

There'll be no Heaven

Just a little irelevant comment, but this is one of the few times that I sharing a video without watching it first and seing if it pleases me first. I read the important words for the sharing of this song: "LYRICS"! Listen, read the lyrics, enjoy the music.
The point begins now. I've been a few days without typing it here. I did opened the website. I opened the messages' section. I did saw how many people have opened it (by opening, it doesn't means that they've read it). I did opened the second blog. Some stuffs did came out. In Portuguese, being my daily language, my birth language, it just became easier. Still not easy enough to provide me the necessary out of it. I am living, full of sorrows and excuses. Mainly, it is nothing but the negligence with what I need. Mainly, because I always get excuses and I do NOT move my ass. It doesn't really matters how determined and convinced I do look like in my writings. There'll be no Heaven in any possible way, wh…

Rock + Metal music = Better mood

My mood has been shitty in the last few days. Plus, the day before yesterday (October 9), would've been my dad's 51st birthday if he was alive. Put a whole bunch of explosive stuffs inside a bag and shake them and seeif it'll explode or not (you better not try this or you mit end up without a hand or an arm or you will even end up dead!).
I found out that I can download most of thr musics that I may wish directly to my phone. i have downloaded a bunch of musics and I am pretty satisfied with the musics that I have. I am pretty satisfied with some of the metal songs that I have craved for a few years and which are now playing in my earphones. I am feeling in the mood to go out for a walk. I am in the mood for a long, long night walk. I am in the mood to get lost. I am in the mood to accept love. I am in the mood to embrace it. I amin the mood to embrace life and death equally. I am in the mood for way too many things. But my words have been speaking louder than actions. In e…

The legend behind "Gloomy Sunday"

There's a song that I have been listening to. The song that I have shared in the previous post. There are countless versions of it, like I have mentioned too on the previous post: Billie Holiday's, Diamanda Galás', Lydia Lunch's, Portishead's, Björk's, Sarah Maclachlan's, Sarah Brightman's, amongst many, many other versions. There's somewhat of a legend behind this song. It is said that this song has caused countless suicides. Myth, urban legend, or what? Who knows? But as I don't want to spend time writing my own version about this, I am posting a link for those who are interest in reading something about the story behind this song.
The tale behind the Hungarian suicide song: "Gloomy Sunday"
Go for it and enjoy your readings!

"Gloomy Sunday" performed by Portishead

Angel Alucard

Angel Alucard!

Why such a nickname?! Why such a definition of myself?! Maybe it is due to my travellings to both sides of it, light and darkness.

Angel was originally born in one of my stories. It is the character that I consider somewhat of an alter-ego. He is strong and determined, a bit wacko and suicidal. There are stuffs on which we are the perfect match of each other. In others, we couldn't be more different. He's also one of the voices who speaks inside my mind. He's like part of my conscience. He's a part of the world that I've created within. He's a buddy of so many years, that it would be difficult to imagine my life without him.

Ah, sweet Alucard, a vampire who's a vampire hunter. Whoever has seen the anme "Hellsing" knows of who I am talking about. Who hasn't and feels curious, I truly advise such anime. Who don't give a shit about animes, but still feels curious about Alucard, you can always search about him on Google a…

You know how you make me feel!


Thoughts of a MadMan

Like I have typed in the previous post, here's another post. One post let's another one being guessed. One night of fun has it "turns" for thoughts. Blame me and my hyperactive mind and the way it process thoughts.
Far away of that farm in Almoçageme (Sintra), where I've spent great part of my afternoon and where I have had my dinner with three couples of friends, I could see the sea. :) One thought about the new of a possibility of a earthquake of great magnitude, followed b a big tsunami crossed my mind. My imagination immediatelly procesed and developed the view of a tsunami advancing through all the land between us. I have commented on this and immediatelly shut up. It has been enough.
People with bad atitudes, having better ones this night. It starts good! Many thoughts g accross my mind, but it is not important. I don't remember my thoughts.
While coming home. There have been a few thoughts.
We're passing on some little villages. Isolated places, isolat…

Feeling like a Rock star again!

It is late in the night (or early in the morning): it's 4:55 a.m..
I've been dinning at a friend's house. Between couples, but that's not the topic to here. Next post, I guess, will have a bit more of this and that.
Right here, I wanted to say that while we were listening to music in a garage and this song started playing between the smoke of joints and cigarettes, between laughs and flashing cameras, I did felt like a Rock star again, while feeling like in my teen times of a Goth.
It feels good to feel this unstopable! It feels good to feel this good and without worries.
Some people were missing, otherwise the feeling would've been much better!
But I did felt like a Rock-fucking-star! And it felt amazing, bitches!

A few events

If you follow my blog or if you take glimpses at it from times to times, you know that I type personal stuffs. As for events, I am not typing about any musical or artsy events. I am not even typing about any special kind of event, but my own.
Things seem to be going crazy lately. People (mis)behaving. People with the same old kind of conversations. I know all that: you keep joking in front of our friends; a few times ago, you've said that you wouldn't be around me that much. It have been twice or three times that your rude manly hand goes accross my ass. Some had the start of comversation, cutted for my feeling of the time. Others did insited and gone through the shit of having a secret, of surpassing the border lines that, although I say "No" at the beggining, with insistance, I'm going for it. I know the meaning of such jokes;I know the meaning of such words;I know your gestures;Although it is through older experiences, I've learned out of it. An hunkish ma…