Monday, October 28, 2013

Social networks, hook up and the whole thing

My aunt has requested Internet for her house. She also bought a tablet. I think she feels quite lonely and this is a way of her to grant that I come here. She doesn't needs to do that to have my company. I love my aunt and even when she had television only, I would come here for lunch and to spend a few hours with her. But that is not the point, althou it still "hits" loneliness.
In times, I used to have an account on a website for gay men. I have deleted all the old and unused accounts. Now I back there. I have gotten 13 messages since the last time that I have been there. For some people, that might not be much. For me, that is too much. Older men looking for whatever it is. I opened the profiles, shutted them off and deleted the messages.
Due to a friend of mine (actually, an ex-penpal of mine), I have created an account on a website of the kind. It is the old website where I used to be before Facebook (me and a whole group of people, friends, acquaintances and anonymous people). It has two games, with the simple purpose to meet new people. The rainy afternoon is being boring, so I have decided to spend a bit of time exploring the suggestion of one of the games called "Meet Me". Most men I saw hasn't pleased me a little bit. Others, were quite pleasant to the eyes. "Match" and "No" buttons. Without any exception, I hitted the "No" button in all of them. I just wanted to see who's around. I don't really want to meet anyone. Both websitrs are pretty useless for me: like I have previously said, I am not wanting to meet new people, I just want to delight my eyes. People have no idea of what's going on this side. Most of them, are simply looking for fun, datings, friends. Regular / normal stuffs, without envolving the risk of comlicated stuffs. And I am all about complicating it all.

I do prefer to stay aside, watching other people living their loves, living their joys of love, while I am immersed in lust. For me, it doesn't works out for more than a fuck or two. If it does, it brings me the serious risk of obsession (I don't fall in love, I get obsessed), of madness, of jealousy and the wicked list goes on. I am not handsome. I do not consider myself like that. I am not the kinda guy that can keep someone's attention hooked up. I don't consider myself interesting, either. I don't play fool silly games of charming, trying to grab attention. I am too foccused on lust: I don't want cuddlings, hours spent in the bed cuddling, kissing or touching. I don't want someone to look at and feel something special for that someone. The only thing I want out off a man is the reaction he provokes inside my pants and in my whole body.

About feelings... let go of them. They serve no purpose, but poetry and art.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I just want a bit of quiet and peace

Staying up until late. It is my daily routine. I always find smethng interesting to do. In times, I used to be on a social network for men. I have deleted my account on it, but now I have gotten a new account on another social utility. It is the social utility used before Facebook and I am there out of curiosity. It,s weird, but I can still recognize old "lines" from the website. It is weird though.
I am wanting to type this and then... well, I might just lay down and sleep. I have had sme ideas on what to do, but I know that I mgiht fond an excuse to stay awake another night long. I feel sleepy and tired, but still I am in the mood for more discoveries. I am wanting to la down, but at the same time, I am wanting to keep here, seing other people and other stuffs.
Days ago, I have opened Facebook and I have decided to go through my friends and put them in the various lists. My family is in restricted and family lists. I want to avoid over-sharing with them. They haven't been there through the shit and the bad times, so I don't want them to be the reason for more bad times. I don't want discussions and fights, epiphanies and revelations to begin. It will lead to no good stuffs and thst's exactly what  want to avoid.
After putting the right people in the right lists, I have decide to go through the people that I possibly know. I have seen old faces. I have seen other people that I don't have a clue about knowing them or not. I have opened different profiles, see different pictures belonging to those people. I have allowed myself to imagine. Some of them, made me gone further in my imagination. Others, I simply passed through them. This is what loneliness makes. And still we choose the hardest and the heaviest option.
Now... now I am just closing this post. There is not much more that I can say. I just want a bit of quiet and peace. And that's all!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Random thoughts, Full Moon, anger

Let me type about something random. I could type about my night. On how I did got so annoyed, so mad, that I am still a bit pissed off. Too damned bothered, to be able to relax. I am listening to music, to try to calm down. It is not working, although my mind seems to start flowing more softly. It is entering in the "zone" of soft sadness, after a grand attack of bad mood. Me at my best!
It is all cool. It'll be chilling soon. I hope.
Random thoughts. What can I type about? The Full Moon that I haven't looked at, due to the Earthly problems? About vampires, werewolves, witches dancing in a forest? About how life and the night are calling for me, and here I am, inside my dungeon, on the 5th floor of a building of apartments. Here I am, trapped by my boring, soul killing daily / nightly routine, without a single move to improve / change it. 
I could type about something more. Maybe about the forever plans for tomorrows, that turn into another tomorrows. It wouldn't work out, it would be pointless, useless, time and energy waste. It would be the same old weep-tale, counted over and over. No one cares about it anymore.
Well... there's this friend of mine. Met through a mutual "friend". And it seems that "friend" is the best possible suitable name for that girl. I know this guy for a very short time, but in this very short time that we know each other, he has been showing me his friendship. He hasn't simply rubbed my back and said something of the knd: "oh, poor thing!". He simply said all the things that I really needed to listen. That I must get up and move. The simple, but truthfull words. One very good proof of friendship.

My damned mood. It seems to be affect my mind. It is hard to get foccused. Due to my position on the chair, my right shoulder started hurting. Maybe it is due to the feeling of anger. Maybe it's just due to days and days sitting in this position, typing on the tablet. I don't know and I can't say it.

Late in the night. It's always late in the night, lately. The night seems to be the best time of the day to do anything: to type, to create, to destroy, to love and have sex, to eat chocolate or anything just good, to walk the streets, to soeak to a good friend. 
It's full moon. It affects humans. It affects animals. It affects lots of magical creatures and events. The Full Moon is the kind of thing that affects the whole life. I am now imagining being at the beach, in the Full Moon night, smoking and living something. Something different and greater.

It is enough for now. Just give a few minutes. You can possibly count with another entry. Maybe still about random thoughts. Maybe with something to say. 
And perhaps, I shut this down after seing a few stuffs online.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Arab music

Late in the night. I have just arrived, after spending a few hours in the gas station with a few friends. While I have been there, someone has spoken about the arab language. It is the kind of language that the person considered cool and very beautiful, but some kind of language that doesn't allows him to understand it.
One of the many kinds of music that I truly enjoy is the arab style. Of course that like all the styles, I am not into all the musics. I don't know much of arab music, but there are a few musics that really pleases me. There are many musics that drive me so crazy, that I start moving my hips and I start making my belly moving, under the clothes.
As I have downloaded loads of music, the same has happened with this kind of it. There are quite a few to be deletes for a dew countable reasons: the music is too short, what means the song is not complete; the music doesn't pleases me as it should and it could be continued. But I still want to go through the downloaded musics, to delete the ones I don't want to keep. It's 6 am and soon, I will have to lay down and try to get a bit of sleep.
It is late in the night, as it is noticeable by the hour I just said that it is. It has been a long and nice night. And it has been a nice dreamy night.
If I were rich... very, very rich, much of my money would be to help animals and I would throw myself on a journey throu the Arab countries. I'd get my caravan, with all my servants and I'd carry my dreams through the dreams. I'd get lost in the mazes that are some of the Arab cities. Perhaps, this would also be the journey where I would start my manly harem.
If I were very, very rich...
I think I need to get married / attached to a millionaire. Maybe a billionaire. And let myself being driven by destiny's hand. Because honestly, a life full of thugish guys seems exciting from times to times, but it leads to no good stuffs either.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Music, lyrics, escapes...

I have a little idea that I have written that I would like to share a few songs, with their lyrics right below it. I've done that with Stone Sour's amazing "Through Glass" and Doro Pesch's awesome "Heaven I See". Both great songs, from great artists. Both lyrics have touched me in different and special ways.
The first one, has a lot saying by itself.
The second song... well, it speaks about love. Loving the person for what he / she is. Forgiving the bad things. Holding in the arms and supporting through the bad times. Inner hell burns. It feels like heaven.
Maybe madness heals madness.
Similarity annoys me. In fact, I feel quite disturbed by people who are very alike me.
This has been just an idea. I can't remember if I have really typed about such idea or if it just stayed inside my mind. But the thing has started working. And I think that it'll happen more times, when I am feeling like it.
One way to allow my inner demon to rule his hell, is to unleashing my desires. And lately, my desires are filled with typing, eventhough if it is just here. To vent. To allow hell to burn. I wish I could still do this out of painting. Poetry, diary pages between poems and my blogs have to fit it nowadays. Or I'll go nuts. I can't lose these things too, or I'll go mad once and for all. When / if complete disturbia shit hits the fan... run for your lives! Bad things are going to happen. Very bad things are going to happen to whoever crosses my path whenever I don't have a escape from this reality.

there's still no such great love for me

You hold me when I'm sad
You love me when I'm bad
It feels like I'm falling
Heaven I see and it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see
I thought I would die before I met you
You brought back to life all that is true
You hold me when I'm sad
You forgive me when I'm bad...
I've walked through the fire
Been baked through the coals
You lifted me higher
Both body and soul, Yeah
Heaven I see
And it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see. Yeah
Heaven I see
And the devil in me
Gets down on his knees
Heaven I see and it's heaven I feel
And the devil in me
Is finally set free
Heaven I see, Yeah

Words are needless. It says it all

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget... you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect to bitter folks
And while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the staaars
The staaaaaaars
That shine for you
And it's the staaaaars
The staaaaaars
That lie to you... yeah-ah
I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head
And it's the staaaars
The staaaaars
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the staaaaars
The staaaaaaars
That lie to you... yeah-ah
And it's the staaaaars
The staaaaaars
That shine for you... yeah-ah
And it's the staaaars
The staaaaarsss
That lie to you... yeah-ah yeah
Ohhh when the starrs
Ohhh when the starrrrs that liieee

rain... heavy rain...

Like I have typed in the previous entry, it has been raining. What seemed to be a regular Autumnal rain, turned out to be a very heavy rain. It rained as if the sky was falling. It rained until the road become, literally, a mini river. Plastic bags by the trash containers side, were dragged by the running water. Lightening has been hitting. Weak thunders.

Heavy rain.
Heavy rain falling.
Waterfalls created in the buildings outter walls.
Rivers on the road.
I am trying to imagine the strenght of the waters in the small river the crosses the city.
People with umbrellas. Useless umbrellas, due to the amount of water and the strenght of the wind.
People inside the cafe talking. Watching the rain.
Life passing by and the entire universe of my being foccused on the rain.

Late night.
If it were summertime, it would be breaking dawn in about half an hour. Right now, it's still dark night. The blue moonlight lightens the darkest corners. Through the window of my living / dinning room, I can see the pale blue moonlight in the old curtains. It crosses them and I see the dark floor lightened.
Playing computer games. Racing cars, with a proper steering wheel and pedals. I don't drive at all and after a while, I was driving well, for a layman. It made me think (possibly, most of you will consider it stupid) how much pleasure I could take from having my driver's license and my own car, instead of keep playing games. For real, it would feel so much better.

Fame and fortune.
Rain... heavy rain...
It doesn't really matters.
It has rained. It seems that things hasn't gotte any cleaner, not even spiritually.
Disturbed souls are still disturbed souls.
Mean people are still mean people.
Gossipers are still gossipers.
And it has rained.
And it will be raining in the next few days.

Friday, October 18, 2013

It's raining

Awesome, gloomy nights. Not too cold. They're not hot either. The fog comes down and the idea of a thunderstorm excites me. Nothing happens.

Today, it has been raining. I have been with a very good and of friend of mine. We've had time to talk. I got all the news I had to get. We've had the time to walk under the rain, tohide some balconies from the buildings. While walking down the street, the rain was falling on me. I have had the chance to think. To think seriously. Words from friends. Spoken words that are making me lift my head and making think: "how can I do this?", instead of just thinking: "I can't do this". There's still some struggling about thr fact of getting up and move for it. But it's missing a very short step.

I am sick and tired of the point my life's at. I am needing more than this lifestyle can offer me. And it is not good... unless I direct my energy to do the things. And that's what has to happen, because I don,t want to keep watching life passing in front of my eyes. I don't want to be this stupid creature forever. I want t do what is right, once and for all.

It's raining.
And so rain my thoughts!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

About nightwalks, coffee and my life

Years ago, I read one post at E.'s blog. She typed about nightwalks. At that time, I was a bit too young to understand such thing. Nowadays, night walks are the regular stuff for me. With people or by myself. In way many times, with cold, rain, in hot nights... I went out of m flat, picked the elevator to leave my 5th floor and go out. I walk with no destination. I walk to the gas station to drink one coffee. One more coffee.
The nearly full moon in the sky has been my company tonight. People have left the cafe earlier than usually. Most of those who were there, wasn't the kind of company that I wanted. I came home and left again. To the gas station. I walked up the avenue. Stopped by the gas station. This fat gay man, friend of a friend, asked me about our mutual friend. He also asked me if I found the boy that I've greeted handsome. "Yes, he is" I replied "but I like bigger men". 
I have left. Slowly, with my earphones playing the music, I walked down the other avenue, where's the police station at. My steps, that usually are quick ones, were quite slow. I walked while thinking and listening to the music. A man in a car, leaving his parking place. My thoughts flying, fantasizing with a disco, as the music played.
The park way close to my house. Election times allow us to have new lamps in the street lamp posts, so the park wasn't so dark as usually, but tonight I craved for a bit of darkness on that park. Only the moonlight to guide my steps.
Cars passing by. People passing by. I am passing by too. I am always passing by. I'm never there to stay. I am a shadow. The shadow everyone see passing by, but that no one ever sees stopping by anywhere. I stop here and there. I get my skull bored off and then I jump off to another place.
Same goes with most people nowadays.
I plan. I keep planning.and plans are just plans.
I'm at home earlier tonight. It wasn't even midnight when I have arrived. I left and I returned when it were 1 am. Early for me. But I'll try to lay down early too. Instead of laying down at 5 or 6 am, I might get to the bed in one hour or so. I need to change the place of my bedroom's furniture as I wanted to do this afternoon. I need tp get logged to the Internet earlier, to get my eye on some work announcements. There's a shoe store in the middle of the avenue asking for employees. I should've gone there before, but the idea of working there hasn't really pleased me. But since there's nothing else in sight yet, I need to grab what I can, even if it's selling shoes, until I manage to get some cash for my stuffs, to improvemy life, what includes keeping on a job hunting, so I can get something that'll allow me to study at night.

There is so much. So much that you can get on a nightwalk. So much that you can take out of a coffee out of hours. Planning is good, but when you're going for it, fighting for what you want / have to / need to, it is way better. I have admitted that I haven't fought enough. I have been admitting that I am being the one and only brake in my own life. It is the time that I get out of the "confessional" and go for the fight of life and dreams and hopes.

The nearly full moon shines outside and the music keeps playing in the earphones. Continuosly, I fantasize of a disco in the middle of Lisbon (or by the riverside. "Hawai" and it's waiter. Yumm!)! I fantasize continuosly of a man. Maybe it is you. Maybe it is my friend (or one of them). Maybe it is my friend's married workmate. Maybe it is none of those.
Just the full moon.
Just the music.
Just the disco.
The car in the night.
Sweatty bodies against each other.
Lots of sex.

And my fantasies still spin around.

Time to go.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

There's a little flame within

Despite all my words and actions.
Despite all the hate and all the cold that seems to freeze my heart, there's a little flame within it. The little flame fights and resists to all the bad experiences, failures, disapointments. It keeps burning, surrounded by the ice. But still, it burns. There's not enough cold to kill it.
My heart has a little flame.
Behind all the bad things, there's always a little hope burning.
Let me spread my wings and fly away freely.
It doesn't really matters what keeps my trapped.
All the lies,
All the denials,
All the disapointments,
They don't really matter.
Every wound has it own story.
Every person lives a very single and personal history.
Every single memory will be unique. No one has the same memory / view of the things.
Every single singer can sing about love. But each and everyoneof them will have his / her own view and feeling of it.

Self-love, self-hate.
They're both burning in a single chest.
And we still fear. We still hate. We still argue. We still fight.
Allow me to live and speak. Allow myself to let go of this. Allowing myself to move on has been very difficult. Allowing myself to feel any good pleasure has been a great fight. I need to let go of these bad memories, of this stupid lifestyle and thought-style.
There'll always be someone. Something. To do or to stop us from doing it.
It is always up to us to go and do or not to go, not trying at all.

There are self-love and self-hate , fighting in a single soul.
There's so much.
But still, the little flame still lasts, despite all the lies, disapointment, falls, denials...
It burns...
Tiny little flame...

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


I am looking for a meaning for so many things.
Sometimes, in the street, it seems that I smoke a bit less than at home. At home, I can smoke freely. Outside, there'll always be someone asking for a cigarette, so I keeo themmfor longer time. I don't smoke and tell prople that I don't have cigarettes. They'll last. At ome, they'll simply burn.
I am aware that I don't have another option, but to get up and go for it. I meed to go and do it. I need to fight for what I need to. Instead, I am just sitting down, typing endlessly. Eternal complaints and moans and groans about how life shits and sucks. I won't get anywhere while I keep accepting things this way. But I still feel unable to give an efficient reply to that situation. It sucks and fucks continuosly with my mind. I sucks and it is just my business to go and do it.
Stop complaining, asshole!
You typed similar words in the other blog .

You must get up and GO FOR IT AND JUST DO IT!

I try to give a meaning to this love thing. To this need that people speak about. Being happy by someone's side. It just disturbs my soul. The simple idea of it... it sounds sweet in dreams, but on a real possibility, it jus creeps me out. I don't mind being all promiscuous, being such the kind of guy who stays on one-night-stands forever. It sounds way better and more logical for me that each beast goes back to his place, after the sex. No feelings involved, what means no fake hopes, no lies, no cheatings. Just pleasure. So much pleasure.

I am in the kind of mood that I could embrace a night walk in the beach. That Madredeus' song, "Ao Longe O Mar" is playing in my mobile. It would play in the beach, either. Although with company, I would need a few minutes alone with my music, my thoughts and the sea. There would be no time for lies. The sea is my confessional. All my dreams and all my hoped are living in it. It kows all my secrets and all my fears. My relationship with the sea, is the closest that I have with a romantic relationship and with a religion. My dreams, my hope, my faith are with the sea, in the sea.

Night... long night.
What words are burning inside my soul?
Which is this land, whose lighthouse guides me?

Tell me. Let me know what you're wanting from me, at every request to go out. Let me know what you wish, when you smile like that. My friend, what do you really want from me?

I need to sleep.
5 am.
Good hour.
One last cigarette (the sixth, way more than outside) and off I go to the land of dreams.

I need to stop thinking.
I need to start dreaming.
I need to do it!

I just made a cigarette and I am going to smoke it at the window, watching the empty street from my 5th floor.

Sweet dreams.


This is not a poetry. Nor an attempt of it.
This might change, as I continuosly keep changing the kind of music that I'm listening to. Right now, Blackmore's Night sing their "I still remember". I was in the desert and now I am back in time. Castles. Knights. Lust.
Burning candle in the church. The cathedral looks way newer, but it looks a bit darker inside. Other times.
Love. Love brings poetry and hope carrying on.
Lust keeps us alive. Danger outside is a reason more than valid to have something to make us feel like that.
Centuries have passed and it hasn't changed much. In other meanings, it has changed quite a lot.

I am trying. In one hand, I really am. In the other, it seems that I am trying, but not the right and meaningful things. I know about that. I know exactly what's wrong with me. And it is not anything that I just could distress about. It is about my own options.

Time to let go of this for now.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Nightwish: about Tarja Turunen, Anette Olzon and Floor JansenJansen

In the previous post, I have welcomed Floor Jansen as the new permanent vocalist of Nightwish. Troy Donockley is another permanent member of Nightwish. Anything related to this, go to the previous post and click in the link, to the website of Nuclear Blast, showing this new, with all the details.

In the previous post, I've wanted to simply congrat Floor. Right here, I am going to type a bit about the three vocalists. My personal view. My words, about how the made me feel in very different ways.

To begin with, who better than Noghtwosh's first vocal, Tarja Turunen?
For some, the Angel!
For many of the people, the real icon of Nightwish's glory.

Nightwish got their fame through the mix of Tarja's unique voice and their symphonic Metal. It was nice and pretty and things gone well, but not for long. I have a DVD, whose name I can't remember, where it was possible to understand that through their path, they've always had problems with band members. It happens.
I liked Tarja's strong, powerful voice. I still do and I am her fan. Tarja was perfect for Nightwish.

When Nightwish decided to fire Tarja, I did got mad and I have decided to stop. listening to them. Thanks to my friend Marta, I have had the chance to listen to their following work.

After all the struggle with Tarja's departure, Nightwish seeking for the next vocal, all the insane paraphernalia about such departure, my anger against them. I used to go with my friend Marta to the beah at night. Having a coffee, walking in the sand, speaking silently to thr sea. Allowing it to get out.

While we were going to there, she used to have Nightwish new album laying on her car radio and so I found out Anette. A pretty soft and warm voice. Going up and down in the exact moment. The choirs seemed overwhelming to her voice.

Anette is another awesome singer with a very different style.
Also great for Nightwish.

Nightwish begin now their new phase, with Floor Jansen leading their vocals.

I am a fan of this beautiful girl with a very beautiful voice, back to After Forever. She has a great voice and a wonderful style. I bet that she can give the best of her, the best of both worlds to Nightwish, a little bit like bisexuality does. 

Tuomas Holopainen is a great composer! Whatever he gets in hands, we can bet that it's a better work, everytime. Plus, he's a hottie! :)

Tarja is an amazing singer and she keeps doing great works on her own. She comes quite often to Portugal, to perform. I've seen her name in the culture section of a weekly magazine.
I have been listening to Doro. Right now, I'm listening to their duet. I don't have any information about the song, but it seems that "Walking With The Angels" is Doro's response to Tarja's "My Winter Storm". Someway of Doro saying to Tarja that she would be OK and would never be alone. And it's rather sweet to see such companionship!

About Anette, I have read something about her. According to one comment on youtube, she is preparing a solo album. I don't know anything about this. I haven't searched for any news.

Floor Jansen. She is somewhat of an unexplainable myth. She came frm After Forever. She keeps working on ReVamp and takes the time to work with Nightwish. I got to show my respect for this girl, I got to applaude her. I am a fan. And you have all my support in this journey!

Rock on, Floor! Rock on, Nightwish!

Nightwish welcomes Floor Jansen as a permanent vocalist

I was seing my G+ news feed, when I got stuck on a new that I was alreay expecting: Floor Jansen has been introduced as the permanent vocalist of Nightwish. I got the new in the webpage of Nuclearblast. Here's the link to the new:

I am leaving all the details for the experts!!

This post, served the single and only purpose to congrat Floor Jansen fpr such position. You deserve it and your voice is amazing. I listen to you since the times of After Forever. Haven't had the same attention about ReVamp, due to life issues. But your voice is wonderful. I think it'll suit Nightwish's amazing works very well and you'll make it remarkable.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Killing time

I am killing time before going to the cafe. 9:20 pm and I consider it too early to get out and go to the cafe. A friend of mine will possibly meet me there. But like the "possibly" say, it is just a possibility. He'll get his girlriend to her work and they'll head to the cafe. Since it is not our ordinary cafe, I doubt they'll allow my friends to get in after midnight. I'll be going there in a bit. About the others, luck and patience, if I manage to get the necessary patience to be there awaiting for them.
I am listeing to music.
One f the many musics that  have been massively dowloading. Possibly, I'll dowload a bit more when I arrive to the café. Maybe, I won't download any more ntil I manage to surpass the struggling with the remaining space in any of my memory cards. Let's see. Only there, I will be able to decide wether I download or not more music.
Just killing time before heading myself out and put my effort in the walk through the streets.
Jus killing time...

Sunday, music and fantasies

Portuguese castle of Almourol (Tagus river)
I will try not think too much. I will try to do it.
I have downloaded a serious amount of individual songs for my phone. It memory card is full. Some of the musics that I have downloaded were such a new for me and also, some of such news, hasn't pleased me that much. Others, in the other hand, are the most pleasant songs that I have had in my possession for a long, long time (even those depressive pnes)! I am thinking on the solution to solve such fulfilling of my barely full memory card. I have two others memory cards in my possession, one filled with music and the one filled with music and the other one is half full. Eheh, funny thing.
I am thinking on deleting those songs that doesn't please me that much.the other ones, I'll keep them. I'll download more music, if the thing goes insane again. I need a solution for this. And I am thinking on the most immediate one.

I haven't spent that much time in the café. Usually, I am there for aout two or three hours. Today, I've simply had the time to sit down, have my coffee, read the newspaper and smoking two cigarettes. I got up and walked away. Later on, I might be there having another coffee. Maybe not.

The Sunday is vanishing. Slowly, the sun is setting and the sky, my bedroom, the whole country is getting in the darkness of the night. Listening to medieval song with a modern touch, like Blackmore's Night can do, always helps. My soul flies to ancient times (maybe not that ancient, but older times), I see the knights the horses, castles full of people and life and death.

I am fantasizing and it feels just amazing!

Let me go and fly away!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

I'm nobody's puppy

I will not be nobody's puppy!
No man will put his paw on me.
No man will rule my life.
If there's something I really don't want, is to be anyone's pup! I don't want to get this "hunged"!

You'll have to get born 100.000, 1.000.000 times to be my master!

I am like the wind, I amlike the sea, no man can grab me between his hands. If anyone picks me in his hands, Ill drip between their fingers. 

I am a chimera: a mytical creature. I am the myth that someone has heard about, but that has never really seen.

Through the mist, tales about me are told, but where does the truth ends and begin the lies? Where are the facts about me or about my existance?

Through the mist, my tales get lost. The sea mist gets up in the morning fog. My taleis told one more time!

The city of my tales, which one is it?
No one dares to name the city. No one dares to say it's name.

In my city, men leave their uniforms aside and I dress them in leather. Their asses are exposed. Boots in their feet, while I pull their dog collars. The can't bark, as I do not allow them to.

I won't be nobody's pup. I'll be their master and I'll have their dreams delivered to me. I'll rule their life, their asses, their dicks. They'll be my pups.

And this is what came accross my mind, between a strange thought and the idea of muscular men in uniforms (militaries, cops and the whole bunch of them). Old fetishes.

Now, I am trying to explore my mind, searching for other ways of punishment / pleasure.

And they'll po(o)p out for sure!

There'll be no Heaven

Just a little irelevant comment, but this is one of the few times that I sharing a video without watching it first and seing if it pleases me first. I read the important words for the sharing of this song: "LYRICS"! Listen, read the lyrics, enjoy the music.

The point begins now.
I've been a few days without typing it here.
I did opened the website. I opened the messages' section. I did saw how many people have opened it (by opening, it doesn't means that they've read it).
I did opened the second blog. Some stuffs did came out. In Portuguese, being my daily language, my birth language, it just became easier. Still not easy enough to provide me the necessary out of it.
I am living, full of sorrows and excuses. Mainly, it is nothing but the negligence with what I need. Mainly, because I always get excuses and I do NOT move my ass. It doesn't really matters how determined and convinced I do look like in my writings.
There'll be no Heaven in any possible way, while I don't get my fucking ass up and go for it. Still it feel way easier to type about, than to go for it. To get my ass up it means lots of effort, that I am not honest enough to admitto I don't want to put my effort in that. It becoms harder each passing day, but still even harder to try.
There'll be no Heaven, while I keep doing this.
There'll be no Heaven, while I am simply allowing Hell's to burn freely.
There'll be no Heaven. There'll be no Hell either.
There'll be Purgatory for the parasites and I feeling like one. And I am not being able to ask for the help I need to get.
And still are friendly people around, offering their direct, hurtful, truthfull, necessary words.
And may they be blessed for that!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Rock + Metal music = Better mood

My mood has been shitty in the last few days. Plus, the day before yesterday (October 9), would've been my dad's 51st birthday if he was alive. Put a whole bunch of explosive stuffs inside a bag and shake them and seeif it'll explode or not (you better not try this or you mit end up without a hand or an arm or you will even end up dead!).
I found out that I can download most of thr musics that I may wish directly to my phone. i have downloaded a bunch of musics and I am pretty satisfied with the musics that I have. I am pretty satisfied with some of the metal songs that I have craved for a few years and which are now playing in my earphones. I am feeling in the mood to go out for a walk. I am in the mood for a long, long night walk. I am in the mood to get lost. I am in the mood to accept love. I am in the mood to embrace it. I amin the mood to embrace life and death equally. I am in the mood for way too many things. But my words have been speaking louder than actions. In everything!
Sometimes I do look like very determined to get my ass up and go for all the stuffs that I have to go through. Then again, it are just words. I take no action.

I am in the mood to embrace way too many things. My insane mood has gone a bit better. Thanks to Metal / Rock songs. There are people who are aware of how well they do their work. People like Doro Pesch. Without getting out of my bedroom, I am travelling through lands that I have dreamed of before. I like the way my mood is turning.


Thursday, October 10, 2013

The legend behind "Gloomy Sunday"

There's a song that I have been listening to. The song that I have shared in the previous post. There are countless versions of it, like I have mentioned too on the previous post: Billie Holiday's, Diamanda Galás', Lydia Lunch's, Portishead's, Björk's, Sarah Maclachlan's, Sarah Brightman's, amongst many, many other versions.
There's somewhat of a legend behind this song. It is said that this song has caused countless suicides. Myth, urban legend, or what? Who knows? But as I don't want to spend time writing my own version about this, I am posting a link for those who are interest in reading something about the story behind this song.

Go for it and enjoy your readings!

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

"Gloomy Sunday" performed by Portishead

Angel Alucard

Angel Alucard!

Why such a nickname?! Why such a definition of myself?! Maybe it is due to my travellings to both sides of it, light and darkness.

Angel was originally born in one of my stories. It is the character that I consider somewhat of an alter-ego. He is strong and determined, a bit wacko and suicidal. There are stuffs on which we are the perfect match of each other. In others, we couldn't be more different. He's also one of the voices who speaks inside my mind. He's like part of my conscience. He's a part of the world that I've created within. He's a buddy of so many years, that it would be difficult to imagine my life without him.


Ah, sweet Alucard, a vampire who's a vampire hunter. Whoever has seen the anme "Hellsing" knows of who I am talking about. Who hasn't and feels curious, I truly advise such anime. Who don't give a shit about animes, but still feels curious about Alucard, you can always search about him on Google and you'll possibly will find anything about him on Wikipedia.

There's always something within people that makes them flow between light and darkness. It's human nature and instinct. I am between light and darkness too. Angel, that two colours winged angel, s trapped between light and darkness too. He could have chosen between light or darkness, but he prefered to stay in the middle.

Alucard hunts vampires. Fake vampires, people who are, in fact, zombies (another name and another kind of vampire, in another level). There's no harm fr Alucard since you're in the right path. Then again, there's always light and darkness involved in a single being.

And that's why I go alongside Angel Alucard. That's why Angel Alucard is my name. That's why he's an alter-ego. Alucard in honour to that vampire wh seduces me in my fantasies. Angel due to the lack of imagination of my teen mind, when the charater has been created and in the time he was born within my mind.

That's why this blog is named like this!

That's why I am the way I am!

Sunday, October 06, 2013


Thoughts of a MadMan

Like I have typed in the previous post, here's another post. One post let's another one being guessed. One night of fun has it "turns" for thoughts. Blame me and my hyperactive mind and the way it process thoughts.

Far away of that farm in Almoçageme (Sintra), where I've spent great part of my afternoon and where I have had my dinner with three couples of friends, I could see the sea. :) One thought about the new of a possibility of a earthquake of great magnitude, followed b a big tsunami crossed my mind. My imagination immediatelly procesed and developed the view of a tsunami advancing through all the land between us. I have commented on this and immediatelly shut up. It has been enough.

People with bad atitudes, having better ones this night. It starts good! Many thoughts g accross my mind, but it is not important. I don't remember my thoughts.

While coming home. There have been a few thoughts.

We're passing on some little villages. Isolated places, isolated locations. There's a nice place to live on, far away from everything and everyone.

Dark night roads. 
Dark night roads bring me to the memory some past nights. High speed car in old and short roads with lots of curves. Wood all around. Dark roads and the sent of hash being burned. The sea. Cabo da Roca. Nightly beaches.

In the past stay those nights. My present days still have the same old and curvy roads, but they're less dangerous: the people I'm driven by, drive very carefully. But I stil enjoy those old places. All around Sintra, beaches... 

My present days still have the scent of hash being burned. We still go to the same places (sometimes). We still party. Moments are passenger and we never know when a moment will become a ver sweet, amusing or even funny memory. But time and it's moments keep passing by.

Cars in the night. Cars passing in the road. I always look at them. I try to imagine who are they. Where will they go. What will they do. From times to times, I freak out at the idea that some of them might be murderers. Maybe lovers. Cars pass by and my mental games begin: I don't enter in strangers' cars. I've done this before and I am pretty sure that in a situation that sex will speak louder than reason, I might do the same. But I tend to run away from strangers. I am affraid of crazy pepole driving.

My mind was filled with thoughts. My thoughts grow, develop, burn inside my soul and finally die.

Last weekend, while dinning at another friend's house, we've spoken about of the people in that dinner. He's too gayish. It has been spoke that he's bisexual, due to his behaviour, way of being and fashion sense. I've noticed some looks and way of playng with the other dude. I noticed something.

It is all insane. Very few things make sense. And what makes... well, it isn't something pretty to look at!

I wish the dream. But dreams' not resting inside of me. There are only left Fairy Nightmares. Fairytales are for kids.

Time to drop off here...

At least, this blog.


Feeling like a Rock star again!

It is late in the night (or early in the morning): it's 4:55 a.m..

I've been dinning at a friend's house. Between couples, but that's not the topic to here. Next post, I guess, will have a bit more of this and that.

Right here, I wanted to say that while we were listening to music in a garage and this song started playing between the smoke of joints and cigarettes, between laughs and flashing cameras, I did felt like a Rock star again, while feeling like in my teen times of a Goth.

It feels good to feel this unstopable!
It feels good to feel this good and without worries.

Some people were missing, otherwise the feeling would've been much better!

But I did felt like a Rock-fucking-star! And it felt amazing, bitches!

Saturday, October 05, 2013

A few events

If you follow my blog or if you take glimpses at it from times to times, you know that I type personal stuffs. As for events, I am not typing about any musical or artsy events. I am not even typing about any special kind of event, but my own.

Things seem to be going crazy lately. People (mis)behaving. People with the same old kind of conversations. I know all that: you keep joking in front of our friends; a few times ago, you've said that you wouldn't be around me that much. It have been twice or three times that your rude manly hand goes accross my ass. Some had the start of comversation, cutted for my feeling of the time. Others did insited and gone through the shit of having a secret, of surpassing the border lines that, although I say "No" at the beggining, with insistance, I'm going for it.
  • I know the meaning of such jokes;
  • I know the meaning of such words;
  • I know your gestures;
  • Although it is through older experiences, I've learned out of it.
An hunkish man in the café. Spanish accent, darker skin, but still a white man. I got said that he's Spanish. I believe that he's Latin-American. That doesn't matters.
Outside we were, smoking joints (or you did, as I stayed inside playing Sueca) and in one of the times that I have passed through such male, he decided to talk to me. He has been looking at me in the café. He seemed to be about to talk to me. He asked if I haven't worked in Tabaqueira. People said that he was flirting. Funny thing! Hot male! Darn it!

The blond young acquaintance of mine. The excuse of sending a music via bluetooth (Rihanna's "Diamonds"). Putting his phone close to my face. Gestures. Way of looking. I've noticed him before like I've previously mentioned (aswell the "Spanish" one from tonight. I always notice cuttest or hottest men, especially if they're of the hunkish kind).

Those events might look minimal. They appear to be bigger thatn I've ever imagined.

I think that I've never thought that knowing a little bit too much could lead to so much uncomfort.