Nightwalks, full moon, conversations and subtile messages

The full moon was shinning last night.
Like I've done more often lately, I have decided to do a night walk, after a few minor events. While walking down the streets to return home due to boredom (I had not my earphones with me, so no music at all for me), I have met a boy who's the neighboor of a friend. They have gone to a darts' championship, but this boy has decided to return earlier. He asked if I wanted some company to go to my building. I replied to him that I didn't wanted to go home, so he has joined me on a long night walk.
While walking up and down the streets, we've been chatting and the chit chat turned onto a very interesting conversation with many topics, sexuality included.
We have walked the streets, while we were talking. And when things hitted the sexuality topic, it felt like he was sending me a subtile message that he was needing something, although that he has said to me that he was straight, he had never tried anything with another man and he had never felt curious about it. But his behaviour was showing me something more and something deeper. Nothing has happened, but this is not the first time that a straight friend of mine sends me such subtile messages, with conversations or questions. In two different situations, I ended up satisfying friend's curiosity.
The full moon was shining high in the sky.
The full moon was driving me crazy.
The full moon was playing with this boy's senses.

While walking up and down the streets, we've seen different people. Two men riding horses. Policemen. People returning home and at the time we were retuening home, we've seen people going to their jobs. I got somewhat of confessions from this boy. I have shown him some of the lies I keep telling the world: I dislike being touched, I play dorty with men, because it is truly hard for me to get attached to someone, that I don't want a relationship. I have shown him the truth and the lies. I've got the truth from hm. I've got his companionship in the night walk.
Under the silver blue moon's brilliance, I have got some ideas. I have got some thoughts.
Friends with strange desires.
Acquaintances with subtile messages.

I don't judge people by their options. They're straight, but they feel curiois enough: fine. I'm here, but it does't means that I'll satisfy eavh and every one of them. It doesn't means either that I'll refuse that, especially if I am in the need of the same.
I don't pretend to be somethng different than what I really am. I tell little lies that harm no one. Those little lies might harm my-own-self, but the serve the simple purpose to keep me safe from feelings. Feelings that  want to try, but that I'm too affraid to.

There are way too many things. There are also way too many people out there.
Late on the night, I can listen to the voices. I can listen to the streets. I can listen to the passing cars.
I can listen to the confessions of my friends or to the subtile messages of my acquaintances.
I can love my friends and I do. Late in the night or early on the morning. But I can not be dependent of smeone's love to be alive and to be myself. I can not be dependent to someone's acceptance to be myself.

I just want to spread my wings and leave this world behind.
I want to forget about strange desires and subtile messages.
I want to forget about smiles, tears, voices, moments.

I simply want to fly away...
And vanish in the air...
But I keep living and I try to do the best out of my living. I try to be the best as  can with the minimal tools that I have in my possession. I tr to be the best friend that I can. As a lover, I try to be the wildest one. I leave all the sweetness to the pillow that once I placed between my legs and that I hold in my arms nowadays.

My life is made of simple desires. And strange longings. And hard dreams and countless hopes. High hopes. So high that I can not reach them.
My life. My existence. My core.
So many wasted chances. So much love wasted.
And I keep living. I always keep living and staying around.