Wondering

Sometimes, like right now, I wonder why do I write on those blogs, when nobody will ever see ot. Nobody will ever read my words, nobody will ever try to understand them, nobody will ever stop for a while to read. I also wonder why do I "fight" so much in a job, when the best they are, they don't pay me what they're owing me. I wonder...

I just came from the caffe I've been at with some of my friends till a few minutes ago and I felt like I was going to fall in the ground I felt too sick, too dizy, with my body boiling. I laid in my friend's legs, with the eyes closed, like I was dead. In my mp3, Amália Rodrigues was singing a song called "Canzone Per Te", an Italian song she used to love and she sings it very well. I am missing something... I am in the middle of a confusing status, like feeling sad an happy at the same time and that's really freaking me out. I was feeling like I was dying but despite it make me feel scared, that brought me too much peace. Strangely it was peace I was feeling for dying in a caffe, in the middle of friends. But it's stupid, I am feeling so happy, so joyful, that I shouldn't feel that way, I shouldn't feel that peace.

Night ended up when I cam home, walking with some friends through the streets, with the cold breeze of this night, which seem to going to cut my flesh and freeze my bones till they get more frail than porcelain. I am fine... I am crazy... I am in the middle of sadness, the real reason of my existance. Maybe, that's the Fate I have to follow till the end. Maybe that's the reason I am here, to become famous thanks to my sad way of being, to the sadness I pass to all my works. Maybe... Maybe... Too many maybes for a pssing by time, with no turning back.