Same things than before

I still wonder what's the real meaning of doing something, when all people can do is destroying our happiness and joy... I still wonder what I can do to go further on things, or why shopuld I even try if I go around things and always finish in the same place. I try to lift my head up and all the things goes exactly to the same shit I was at before... Maybe, I should stop trying and leave things happens naturally. That way, things could gone much better.
I am a 21 years old guy and I miss my 17 years old time. I look at those 17, 18 and 19th aged boys and I still miss those times, but then I recall I was in the middle of a deep depression at the time. I remeber I was drinking too much then, drugging myself with pills, cutting myself, doing everything to destroy myself... Almost killing myself with no one noticing those disgraces around... The fires of an artist soul are the most destructive and builters of the most beautiful pieces of our lives, but what that worths, if the artist always "burns" himself? I am the burnt artist, the one who«'s no longer being able to create his wonderful pieces, the one who's missing something to create... I miss the times I had long weeks of insomnia just to paint a single paper with my childish styled drawings... I miss so much and I am trying toi chase all that back and there's nothing coming back to me. I am to tired to lift my arms up and fight. I am laying my head down in my coffin and trying to rest, but even my heart doesn't stop beating, my lungs doesn't stop breathing, my voice doesn't shuts the fuck up... I am all messed up, I am going insane and maybe that's what will bring all that I am longing for back... Maybe... who knows?

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