A Legancy Of Death!!


I am here, writing in both of my blogs tonight! I started writing on my blog in Portuguese because some people I know are not able to read English and it's good to express myself in Portuguese! My mother language drives me onto other levels, onto other places that neither English, nor any other language I can learn and become a "Pro" in that will ever do. English only offers me one thing that Portuguese does not, it's an universal language, almost everybody's able to talk, read and write it, so I can share my thoughts with everyone... My thoughts, my feelings, my ideas, my opinions... Everything!! I am able to do almost everything in English, including virtual sex... HA! Joking, but true!
A legancy of Death!! Last night, I was in the hospital. I entered the hospital at 3 p.m. and a doctor saw me only at 2 a.m.. I have been around the waiting room all that time, sometimes I went out there to smoke a cigarette. I have had a heartache and decided to walk to the Doctor, but on two days in a row they said me that I couldn't see the damned doctor. As I have no doctor for about one year, I had to be seen for any doctor which was available to see me or I would have to wait till June... I decided to go to the hospital and waited all that time! So many things happened, so many people went there, so many ambulances... When I finally got a doctor to see me, he heard my heart, he felt my pulsation and told me to go to do an exam to the heart and when I arrived the room, the guy there was with the light off. I must confess he was so HOT that when he told me to undress the top clothes, I thought: "I'd undress the lower, if the doc wanted to"! Not joking!! Anyway, I did the exam and returned to the doctor... I need to go to another doc in about one month to do that exam again... Damn, twelve hours in the emergncy for that!!
Anyway... I look at my image in the mirror and I do not recognize the person in the other side... Who's that guy staring me, with a sad expression? I can't even look at the mirror, because I just hate what I see...
I WANT TO DIE!! I WANT TO LEAVE ALL THIS DESPAIR BEHIND! I WANT TO DISAPPEAR! NO ONE COULD EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN, NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE ME AGAIN! I WANT TO DESTROY MYSELF IN ALL THE POSSIBLE WAYS!
I look to the mirror and wonder if the guy on the other side is straight, gay or what else... I wonder if he's married, single, how does he feels... I try to find anything good, but I miss what I've been, what I could be, what I will be... I hide myself in a cover of ugliness. I want to scream, run away, pack up my stuffs and get a train or an airplane. I see my twenty years old face and I think I am too old, too tired. Things aren't that good when I say I am OK, when I say I am fine! I am not fine! I am tired of everything, but it's OK!! If you're able to read and understand WELL Portuguese, just check my other blog through the profile or by the link: http://angelalucardpt.blogspot.com and you'll see what I meant with that! I wrote there before and those shitty things are written there!
I think, sometimes, despite of imagine myself with a man, how would be my life if I had a kid, my son or daughter, to care, to love, to teach, to give him/her a legancy! Then I realise that the only legancy I could give him, would be a legancy of death. It's the only I have for certain in my life, the only thing I know he/she would be able to get from me... But what's the point of bringing a child to the world? There are too many children around, needing a lap, a bit of love, a bit of food, a bit of comfort... Goddamit, I need to sleep! "SLEEP IS A FAKE DEATH, ONLY DEATH IS THE PERFECT SLEEP!". OK, I will die for a few hours, to ressurrect in the morning and it's too late!! I need to lay my head and never ever wake up again!!
Three Death Angels, three sisters/brothers, in their hunting for souls! Such a beautiful image... I have choosen it for a perfect text, but there's nothing perfect about me... And my words have been spent... Maybe... Maybe my Death is awaiting for my perfect creation and that's my doom... I have nothing perfect to do or to give!!

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