Angel Alucard

S ometimes, I feel like dead crazy. I feel I will never own someone for my own, I feel I will die alone and that kinda things scares me. But I feel like lost, as I can not imagine my life nex to anyone, I can not imagine my life being shared with any other person. I ca not accept I really need anyone to share good things, to have someone to share my opinion and my visions with. I can not accept I will end up alone, so what's the point? What's the matter? Why do I feel so confused in this kinda stupid things? Why do I feel so confused about things? Back to somewhere or to nowhere, I don't really know, what's the matter of feeling, if I can not do it right? Always sad and depressed and melancholic and happy and so many shits... Never in the same mood and it's not always good... Maybe I can not realise and I am jst giving up... Giving up of my art. Giving up of my blogs (at least, the one in Portuguese). Giving up of everything. Let's see what will come soon...

Sometimes, I feel like trapped. I feel like I was sinking in a sea of madness. I feel like crazy right now, by the way. I live in an apartment and I own one cat and, more recently, a little dog. Till the moment, all could be fine, if it wasn't the cat scratching the dog, the dog barking, pissing and shitting all over and my mother making some comments making me feel like guilty for all the shits involved in her life. I clean shit and piss, I try to raise the dog, to teach him, but he barks and bites me, like I was a huge bone. Sometimes, I feel like he was anger against me. I feel like in a spiral of madness... Falling, falling... And it've been only the first two days of the dog in the house. I feel too tired to do anything else. I just can't wait to lay down and to sleep, to rest, for the next three hours, before going to my job to face 9 more hours of work. I feel like I was going to explode and to implode at the same time. I need freedom... I need music, like the one o...

Sometimes, I feel like I was living a dream. And things could've been a dream if I have gotten a guy for my own, a guy I could make of him my slave! I need the idea of having a man surrended to me, kneeled at my feet, obeying my orders. But in the other hand, that man should be "BIG" enough, strong, someoe who hug me when I am inside one of my "existential" crisis. Oh, damn, I need t feel again, to unfreeze my inner! I need to get that someone special, but I feel it's getting harder and harder, a I am not the kinda guy for anyone, becaue I have soe "feminine traces" when I move... Goth, I hate men, sometimes! But I love them and their dicks so much!

- Of being alone! - Of feeling I need someone by my side! - Of doing all wrong! - Of sharing the same house with my mother! - Of being like a slave in the job! - Of having no self-life! - Of my lack of imagination! - Of so many shits... I am just tired!

Last night, it was supposed for me to go out, to have some fun in any disco or bar around, though I hate those kinda places. But I was wishing that, I was wishing to do something different. The only person I have said I was wishing to go out, said she couldn't, right up away, when it was missing a few hours for we to go out. Once again, I stood alone! Anyway, I pick the money up and gone to Lisbon, for dinner, as I wanted. In Lisbon, I went to dinner and I found myself inside Armazéns do Chiado, having such a wonderful dinner of junk food, watching the MTV "Next" show and, sometimes, looking around, watching people. I wasn't the only lonely person inside that mall, but I was feeling so small. Everyone around was there to go out, to have fun and I was there just to breathe te air of the city, the air of the downtown... I should be with my friend, but she really couldn't. I should be happy, but my feelings wasn't able to allow me. I was feeling suffocated! Aft...

Nothing to say... Unless, I'm highed I wanna write something down, but my brains are just too fried to work something out to post down... Tomorrow, I might read this messageand discover that nothing really means anything out here or anywhere else, so if I get no visitators on my blog, it's not important... The important, is that I am just being myself, I am just letting my "nirvana state" flows around and feeling great with that! GO FUCK YOURSELVES, NARROW MINDED PEOPLE, WHO WERE JUST TOO AFFRAID OF BREAKING LIMITS AND ARE NOW CRITICISING THE OTHERS FOR BREAKING THEIR OWN LIMITS, FOR MAKING RADICAL CHOICES AND BEING REBELS! F´GO FUCK YOURSLEVES, TOKIO HOTEL FANS WHO ARE SOOOO RADICAL AND REBEL CAUSE THEY GO HOME AT MIDNIGHT. GO FUCK YOURSELVES WHO FOLLOW A STLE JUST BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS THINK IT'S COOL! GO FUCK YOURSELF NO ORIGINAL OPINATED PEOPLE, WHO USE WHAT OTHERS DREAM OR SAY TO REACH A POINT OF LACK OF IMAGINATION! GO FUCK YOU ALL!! *Zen* I'm feeling rea...

I am back to wondering about Life! Back on wondering if it really worths the effort of writing some stuffs down here, when nobody will ever read them! It's something which hits my head and make me feel dizzy for a while and I decide to write! I have a few letters to reply but I simply feel lazy about doing that... I don't write on my diary for ages, but I am too lazy to pick the pen and the notebook I use as a diary, and to write anything there... And it's not only the sloth on doing that, it's also a HUGE lack of time. I've been working a little bit too much, I've been working about 9/10hours a day or, sometimes, 12h+. Back to one night in a disco, when I stood allnight backboarded to the wall, looking the people dancing, observing their moves, their dance, their joy, their "alcohol modification", their drugs taking and I felt like frozen... I can't move my body like they do, I never had the hability to dance! But hings already began to change! ...

In the past few days, I've been realising a few stuffs. In my job, when that damned caffé is almost empty and when I don't have anyone calling me, I can sit somewhere and think for a while! I think on how my life changed, I think on how things are right now, I think on what my life became! I felt from the beggining I was becoming a society lamb, doing all pretty and nice, but I was wrong. I could upset a few thugs in a caffé a few nights ago, just because I was talkin about pubic hairs! That was funny! Today, a couple hours ago, I met my friends C. and S. in the railway station, they just arrived from a mall in Lisbon and Claudia started fighting her boyfriend by phone and me and Samuel had been listening a couple songs in my mp3 and talking. I commented with hi that last night, I was highed and that a friend of mine said I was a mix of gothic with hippie and I realise it might be true, and Samuel said I have my own style, like I had a registered trademark sybol in my arm! It w...

I'm back home... Despite my mother and my aunt are here in the livng room, I still feel alone... I see them like shadows... I feel them like ghosts in the same place than I am now... I am with one music from Karunesh playing on youtube, which is named of gothic and it has some arabic sounds, but it's a new age kinda music, but such a relaxing one. I feel like the music is invading every kind of flesh, every vein, every muscle and I wish to move my body through the night... There's something missing in me since I am born, but I've never found out what. These kinda songs, makes me wanna dance with it's rythm, dance with the moonlight entering through the fragil glass of the window, make me wish to take all my clothes off and dnce with the wind... I feel the city calling for me and I wish I could reply to it's appeal, but it's completely impossible now... My body is too tired to do any of these things. I wanna go to my bed and lay down on it, for the very first...

Originality no longer pleases me... Being yourself no longer makes me love you in a different way... Boozing no longer helps the feeling of emptiness... Getting highed no longer makes me forget of my problems... Emptiness no longer hurts me... No longer will be there for me the angels landed for salvation. No longer seems the best "description" for what things are and used to be! No longer...

Sometimes, like right now, I wonder why do I write on those blogs, when nobody will ever see ot. Nobody will ever read my words, nobody will ever try to understand them, nobody will ever stop for a while to read. I also wonder why do I "fight" so much in a job, when the best they are, they don't pay me what they're owing me. I wonder... I just came from the caffe I've been at with some of my friends till a few minutes ago and I felt like I was going to fall in the ground I felt too sick, too dizy, with my body boiling. I laid in my friend's legs, with the eyes closed, like I was dead. In my mp3, Amália Rodrigues was singing a song called "Canzone Per Te", an Italian song she used to love and she sings it very well. I am missing something... I am in the middle of a confusing status, like feeling sad an happy at the same time and that's really freaking me out. I was feeling like I was dying but despite it make me feel scared, that brought me too mu...

I am your toy... I am your whore and your slut... I am the one you use, abuse, rape, hit and the one who still kep the arms wide open to receive you in the end of the day, with a big smile in the face. I am the one who can love you, if I get that chance... I am your toy... Touch me, dress me, undress me, wear me, rape me, abuse me, love me, hate, but do something with me, please! Take me home, take me to the street, take me in your car, take me in your motorcycle, take me somewere, but just take me!! I feel like I am nothing more in the hands of Fate, of Destiny. I still wander around alone, without a love or a lover, without any safe port, like some people like to call to their lovers. Today, in my day off from job, I just went to the Lisbon downton, like I always like to do and I was fine. I like to go there, but the matter is that I am always alone. Smetimes, Igo there withfriends, but it's not that kinda company I need to do something which pleases me so much... Don't take...

I still wonder what's the real meaning of doing something, when all people can do is destroying our happiness and joy... I still wonder what I can do to go further on things, or why shopuld I even try if I go around things and always finish in the same place. I try to lift my head up and all the things goes exactly to the same shit I was at before... Maybe, I should stop trying and leave things happens naturally. That way, things could gone much better. I am a 21 years old guy and I miss my 17 years old time. I look at those 17, 18 and 19th aged boys and I still miss those times, but then I recall I was in the middle of a deep depression at the time. I remeber I was drinking too much then, drugging myself with pills, cutting myself, doing everything to destroy myself... Almost killing myself with no one noticing those disgraces around... The fires of an artist soul are the most destructive and builters of the most beautiful pieces of our lives, but what that worths, if the artist a...

Still now I wonder what's the meaning of so much sadness... I still miss something, still miss someone, who has not arrived... I miss so much, I feel too much sadness, but my heart is just too small... I feel like I had a heavy weight in my chest, like something was going to crush my heart... I need to do something for my life, something for my heart and for my pain, but I still need to find out what I really need!

Tonight, there will not be any videos, there won't be any kinda of fetishes, there won't be any kind of provocating things around... Just a state of mind and of soul... A state of mind that came with the silence of the night and with some unexplainable melodies of my soul... I feel like I had crashed against a wall in HIGH speed, cause I feel a huge pain in my body, thanks to a night with sleeping... My head hurts, my eyes are heavy... Amália sings "Cantiga de Amigo" (Friend's Song), with a sad expression in her voice... Amália is just the perfection in the planet, though she already died 9 years ago. I feel a strange connection to that lady, I feel like I am looking into a mirror, when I see her sad pictures, when I listen to her songs... I feel like I am something which wasn't supposed to be born... I must be a mistake of Destiny... I am so empty inside, feeling so sad, so painfully sad... I need to get something I cannot explain what it is, cause I don'...

Maybe it's crazy that at the age of 21 I still behave like a child in some situations. Some of my friends take care of me like a little child and I feel comfortable... Am I crazy? Maybe! But it's good... Now back to this damned city, I am looking for a job and I feel a little headache at this moment... Sometimes, I find myself listening to some pop musics, like t.A.T.u. and just loving it. Well, I must confess I love t.A.T.u., I love lesbians... They're really cute and sweet and I guess it's one of the purest loves I see on people. Right now, it's playing on my mp3 the song "30 Minutes", the extended version and I can not listen to the rest of the cyber caffé. I need some peace to write, to think, only me, my soul and I. And the music helps me to shut off from the people around me... People annoy me more and more. There are some exceptions, but mostly they make crazy, wishing to put a bomb in the room I am at with them and make it explode... Now, I really ...

I am still at my grand dad's old village. Well, in one neighboor village, about 1 km away from there, but I am here, writing, enjoying a few minutes in a cultural association. with free internet. I have to return to Cacém to pay my bills, to pay my late laptop bills, to pay the internet bill, that's why I have been shut off from my internet account! I am enjoying a few minutes of peace here, in this tiny room, listening to Mariza, with a song called "Minh'alma" (My Soul) and she can please me! It fits me well!! All I know right now, is that I need to return home, to get a job and pay my bills, face the life, face the world and follow my dreams. This year, I have had a "waking-up-day", a will to weep and tear the world with all of my inner soul! I need to go, to move on!! When I get my internet back, I will write more and better on this sde of my blogs, the Universal one! See you soon... I hope!!

In the last few days, I have felt so lost, so confused with a strange feeling deep within my soul. I feel like some kind of an end was coming and it's driving me crazy, because can not say if it is a good end or a bad end. So many things have changed, like I mentioned in a previous posting, some things in a good way, others in not so good way, but things changed. I changed, I started liking me a bit more, looking at the mirror and liking what what I was seing. But now, it's a strange feeling of being in a theater play and I feel like the courtains were going to close forever, with no more openings. And this is driving me crazy! I know, I am repeating myself, but I feel strange and I feel that those things are going to happen really soon! Tomorrow! Tomorrow I am going to my grand dad's house, to see him for a few days and I feel happy with the idea. I am anxious for the trip. A trip of three hours in a train and the idea of not smoking during all those three hours is just f...

Here's one music that might please my dear and beloved E.. She like this band, Madredeus! And it has the subtitles in English, so people can understand what is said by the singer of my country! It's my birthday today and my diary has somethings settled in it with my moanings... I am not in the right mood of moaning on that for the third time... Just the music that I love. My birthday was always a torture... As a kid, I used to hide under the table and yell when people used to sing me happy birthday... I don't even want to remeber... I will live my day like a normal day, try to forget that it's the damned birthday of mine...

A few minutes ago, I was reading the blog of my good friend indigojester ( http://indigojester.blogspot.com/ ) and I decided to read some comments left to her blog, trying to find some of my own comments and then I just found out one comment of another good friend of indigojester, Carrie. She talked about changings that happened in her life and she thanked to our good friend. I have had some changings in my life and many of them I can thank to that good friend of ours too. I could see she was in a whirlwind in her life in the last few months. I could realise for her friend's blog itwas thanks to a guy in her life and I really hope my good friend can be happy, because she deserves it all... E., you deserve to be happy so much more than many other people around this world. Anyway, I remembered that I have other good friends which also helps me a lot and one of those is Teresa. She's a good girl, but lately I could see some things I didn't knew on Teresa and I always tho...

I am coming up again... I have been down for a while. Away while I was working in that restaurant I mentioned so many times, because of my lack of time, my lack of willing to write or my lack of anything else. Now, I am unemployed once again, but for my soul, it's OK in a certain measure, because I am feeling in the right moods to write my poems, to try to write them in English, to paint again, to go on rewriting my stories, to singing again. Like a phoenix, I am rising from my ashes, from what was left of my soul and I will use it for painting... In the mood I was feeling in the last few days, I could write about sadness, emptiness, killing someone and drag his body on the mud... Painting, writing pages and pages on it, but my soul is peaceful now. Peaceful in a way I can call it peaceful... For some people if they saw my soul, they would see that my castle is still burning, that the war is just finishing, but I know this is an endless war... just like the phoenix, I am risi...

I am listening to a Fado called "Ouvi Dizer Que Me Esqueceste", which means "I Heard That You Forgot Me", sung by Celeste Rodrigues, sister of the amazing AMÁLIA RODRIGUES! I do prefer the fresh and young voice of Ana Moura singing it... I am feeling dizzy with lots of things going by in my life lately. I've been transfered from the restaurant in Algés to the one in Massamá, I was feeling happy and OK, but now it seems I fell down once again. My happiness and joy lasts few days and I feel in the usual sad or melancholic mood, trying to find myself. The manager of the restaurant I work at says I am a fake gothic, because I laugh quite a lot, I am nice and cool manered, easy going and to deal with. She don't really knows me, that's the truth... But lately, I've been an actor around Life... A very good actor!! Tonight, I am not feeling exactly well to write, but lately I just write on MSN and on my notebook to take the costumers requests... Dammit!! I ...

... Nowhere to run from here! This is what is going on my mind now. But it's enough of running away from everything which is new, everything which seems to scary for me to face. I need to earn some strenght to fight all those fears and phobias. I really do! Anyway, I am not running, I will stanbd to face everything around me. I am so far from what I have been and so far from what I still will be. Anyway, after posting this picture, I just stood for a little while of two or three seconds staring at it and I think this is one of my best pictures, though for some so-said-normal-people it may seem weird or even awful. I am what I am, may you like it or hate it. I really need to see that when I look in the mirror, someone who likes himself, gay, straight, gothic, punk, thug, happy, sad, live, dead... I feel happy when I wear that way, when I live like I feel comfortable. I have so many things to think about and nowhere to run or hide. Stupid words, I don't need to run or to hide, I ...

Listening to this song of Apocalyptica featuring Cristina Scabbia, I go deeper into my feelings, into this feeling of emptiness, of inpotence... I am feeling a bit dizzy with all this rain of feelings, happiness, emptiness, madness, anger. Things have gone so well and now it seems it's beggining one more time... Damned, too much to think tonight, so few to write... Sorry, really, I'm sorry.

I am writing this post for all those who will find my blogs link in any profile pages like hi5, myspace or vampirefreaks, the three social utilities that I am using at the moment. I am using hi5 only to keep a contact with some friends I met in Thessaloniki (Greece) in 2004, because it's the only way we have to keep in touch to each others. Hi5 has lost most of it's quality and it can be seen for the "flesh market" it became, of people who simply want to have another number on their profiles. I like having someone to chat to about something and anything. In myspace, I do accept most of the friend's requests I get, but I have few virtual friends in there, so it's quite easy to send a message to someone, eventhough it's just to say "hi!". Or with people who we chat with, if we live quite close, we can always ask each other for a coffee or for a walk in the city. It's always good to do something different and it heals the soul. About vampirefre...

Yesterday, when I arrived home from job, my mom have gone to work again already. We've chatted a bit by phone and she told me she have left me something to cook for dinner. I wasn't in the right mood to cook. I didn't want to cook yesterday. I cooked something for dinner and took my laptop to the kitchen's table. I was chatting with some friends at MSN and I found my friend Ariana Scarlet there and we've been chatting for a while, while I was eating. We ended talking about music, like in every of our conversations, and I sent her the link of the music "Gothica" performed and composed by Karunesh. I found this video when I was searching for Sarah Brightman's "Gothica" and I just fell in love with it. Karunesh has the gift of composing wonderful melodies. Well, following with the real matter, my friend Ariana gone for search more musics of Karunesh and found "Mystical Woods" from Chris Spheeris, another wonderful music by anothe wonde...

I am here, writing in both of my blogs tonight! I started writing on my blog in Portuguese because some people I know are not able to read English and it's good to express myself in Portuguese! My mother language drives me onto other levels, onto other places that neither English, nor any other language I can learn and become a "Pro" in that will ever do. English only offers me one thing that Portuguese does not, it's an universal language, almost everybody's able to talk, read and write it, so I can share my thoughts with everyone... My thoughts, my feelings, my ideas, my opinions... Everything!! I am able to do almost everything in English, including virtual sex... HA! Joking, but true! A legancy of Death!! Last night, I was in the hospital. I entered the hospital at 3 p.m. and a doctor saw me only at 2 a.m.. I have been around the waiting room all that time, sometimes I went out there to smoke a cigarette. I have had a heartache and decided to walk to the...

"I burn my cigarettes like oxygen". Nice phrase for a title... But it's the truth. I smoke since I am 16 years old and I never smoked like now. I smoke almost two boxes of 20 cigarettes a day, especially if I am like now, melancholic, searching for something which I don't know what it is... I feel myself like living a movie, working in that restaurant, killing myself of working, losing my personal life, posing like a mannequin, smiling all around, walking lightly like a butterfly, saying "good afternoon, here's your drink!"... I need more, I need action. I just watched a book store here in my city needing employers. Well, tomorrow morning I'll wake up earlier (today), take a bath, smoke a cigarette, walk to the store and deliver my curricula there. It's closer from home and it surely works in a better way. Right now, at 3 a.m., I am sat in front of the laptop, in my couch, smoking a cigarette and thinking in a better way of kick the words onto ...

Today when I was arriving from my job, after having a coffee with my mother, when we was in our building, a girl knocked the door and told us that our neighbour from the house over our house, died... It was her grand daughter. Well, that lady was a friend of mine and about one month ago, she almost set fire at her house, trying to kill herself, so I wonder what happened... Have her killed herself? And those things always affect me more than I would like... Damn!! I know that Death will come for all of us, but it's hard to see people we love departing, without saying a simple goodbye... I am human and not a machine, the more I want to get stronger... Well, I really get stronger, but I stay as sensitive as I have always been... I walked the streets alone and I found Shizuka(L.) at her store, and through her, I found out that one child of 9 years old died, as well. Then, I went through a café to meet my friend Sofia and Vinicios her boyfriend and Sofia told me that her grand mothe...

I could say a lot of things, but you'll never understand them, just because I am unreachable now. I am in a higher level, trying to figure out why do some kind of things happens down there... I am trying to find out someone who to chat with through the internet, but it seems that men are all busy... Today, all I want a man and nothing else matters...

I dreamt about running away from the job and leave to somewhere where no one will ever hurt me again and where no one could touch me ever again... I guess things are getting out of control once again, but I am fighting to keep them in the right track. The job is going great, but I am not feeling OK there. It's not what I dreamt for my life!! I feel like I am living a movie, but it's necessary to go after my dreams, so here am I!!! I try not to complain anymore, but it's impossible not feeling down some times... God, I want to be gone!!! But I am here and I will fight till the end!!!!

I have been here for so long without anyone who saw me... No, I don't mean someone who looked at me and even stared at me for hours, without really seing me. Someone who have been able to look, to see what goes inside of me.. And a certain someone finally did it, but those people seem determined to just use me and destroy everything I have to offer them... But here I am, fighting for my dreams, though some of them seem way far from being true. Internet can be really useful for many things, including for helping some dreams coming true... And once I'm here, I'll be searching for some things I really want and wish... Because virtual life isn't just for chatting on MSN, for blogging or for just doing shit around!!! I'm more, much more than that!!

I am outta control... I guess it's from the full moon. I wanna cry, laugh, scream, run like a mad, fly and a lot of other things... I am mixed with joy and sadness... I'm getting that tonight; it won't be easy to deal with me... Considering I am trying to find something where to grab to, for not falling on temptation ever again... I feel I'm going down in my depression... But am I really depressed? Or is it just a stupid feeling inside of me? I don't know, and though those phases of mine are just great for my creative "living", for my creative vein, for my creative soul, I know that I am just too lazy to sit down and paint or write, like a mad, or just softly... I am lost... I am doom... I am... what?!

[Lyrics by Anders Jacobsson, 2001] By day I sleep, at night I weep! O Death, come near me! Be the one for me, be the one who stays. My rivers are frozen, and mischosen, and the shadows around me sickens my heart. O Death, come near me, and stay (by my side). Hear my silent cry! In sadness I'm veiled, to the cross I am nailed, and the pain around me freezes my world. My cold world... In life I've failed, for years I've wailed. Frozen in time... left behind... The rapture of grief is all to find... The rapture of grief is all! Behind the shadow of life the lost hopes are grieving. I seek the night and hope to find love... So I drown in the silence of lifes short eternity. The tears fills the void in my heart astray... Embrace me now, delightful ease! Give me a world of wonderous peace! Calm the desperate scream in my heart! O Death, come near me, save me from this empty, cold world! O Life, you have killed me, so spare me from this couldron of misery! In life I cry, away I fl...

I still wonder why do the others still care about you... I still wonder why haven't you really gone... I still wonder why do you remain in their memories... I still wonder why do their memories affect me... I still wonder how can you be such a poser, such a loser and still anoy me... In my mind, you're nothing but a ghost, a dead guy(not man, because not even a man you are) and the dead no longer affect the living. Pseudo and poser: Are you still alive?! Checking the hi5 of a friend of mine (without more details), I found your girlfriend's hi5 account and there you were, with your fake-goth-pose, with your fake-goth-girl-pose, in a la-la-dreaming of gothic fairytale. Who the hell you think you are?! Damn, why don't you leave for ever?! Why do your ghost-screaming keep taking my sanity away, while you haunt their memories? I don't remember you, until I see a nearly-gone trace of you... Bastard, die... Bastard, go away... Bastard, you're nothing... Why do I even ...

I am a bit numb with a few things that have happened in my life on the last few months... Before, I fell lost and started with poetry... I am wishing to re-write some of my stories, which I lost when my computer broke down and I have been feeling lazy, so they're still only a part of my imaginary... I am wanting to start painting again, but the materials aren´t there yet and inspiration hasn't been that good... I started working about one week ago and I love my job at the restaurant, but now I am having some kind of "fight" with a work mate of mine and that makes me want to run away from my job one of those days, but I am still there... I am not a person of running away and I won't do that now... I am strong and strenght will remain... Strong outside, but my soul is so fragile, so weak... It's made of crystal and a simple bump can crash it into pieces... Well, let the metal and life roll on... Soon, I will be on the road with my project made real... And none ...