Angel Alucard

Já faz algum tempo desde que, aqui, escrevi pela última vez. Tenho experimentado um novo sítio  e tenho gostado bastante. No entanto, estes blogs são os meus blogs primários. Já faz algum tempo, desde que, aqui, depositei os meus pensamentos e os meus sentimentos. Tenho passado o dia num misto de sentimentos. Criam-se expectativas enormes, que culminam em enormes decepções. Estava bem, fiquei triste. Tão triste. E isso tem-se reflectido nos acontcimentos todos da noite. Já faz algum tempo, desde que aqui vim epositar testemunhos da minha vida, do que se passa diante dos meus olhos, do que se passa dentro da minha cabeça e da minha alma. Já faz, realmente, algum tempo. Já faz algum tempo, desde que dediquei a minha fé a algum pensamemt benéfico. Desde que dediquei a minha fé a que tudo esteja bem, já faz algum tempo. Já faz algum tempo, desde que eu disse "sim" aos desejos dos demais, sem pensar primariamente no que quero, no que desejo. Já faz algum tempo, desde que eu servi ...

I am spending the rest of my night smoking my cigarettes, listening to music and wondering. Oh how I wonder. I wonder about what is yet to come. I wonder about what will all this bring me. I wonder what might be different this time, eventhough you're still acting like a caring young guy, like someone who'd care for someone else of you like. Do you really like me, the way you said you did?  I wonder. The night goes by and it's not too fast. The night goes by and I have some time to think about that meeting - the house had a very intense smell to piss of cat and you kept on mentioning my choices, on putting unsaid / umwritten words in my mouth / under my fingers. For someone who speaks a lot about keeping up with an open-mind, you're the one who felt angered at the difference of opinions and for someone under the circumstance of speaking about aiding others and living in peace, you're the one to threaten me the same exact way you are saying that you're at...

E não haver gestos novos nem palavras novas! Última entrada no seu diário pessoal, abrangendo o último ano da sua vida.

"I dare myself to put my body on the line. My writing is where I can be most unlawful, and where I can perform countless crimes, literary and otherwise, without any real retaliation. If I am going to repress myself 24 hours a day, if I am going to smile and speak politely, not lose my temper, say please and thank you, even while being detained in a cage of micro-aggressions (at work, or even within my most intimate relationships), I simply refuse to concede any thing on the page itself. It’s mine. It’s the only thing I have, this tender sliver of a murdered tree." ~Robin Coste Lewis Seen on Shivanee Ramlochan's Facebook wall, my dear friend from Trinidad and Tobago, posted from Almah LaVon SecretnBold. Thank you both, for being so kind to share this amazing text and for allowing me to share it. Please, keep up the great work of sharing the feelings, self or from others, of making people like me to feel different ways of feeling, to be witnesses of different points ...

Ando por outras paragens. Ando por outras realidades. Aproveito a nova experiência ao máximo, de poder escrever livremente, de poder "confessar-me" sem grandes receios. É bom. Comecei, finalmente, a reescrever todos os meus velhos diários. Selecciono aquilo que quero manter, reescrevo o que acho que vale a pena ficar, recorto desenhos e colo-os no meu novo diário. E assim vou redescobrindo coisas há muito esquecidas, fazendo desaparecer coisas que não gostaria que alguém visse, nem que fosse por um pequeno acidente. Quando terminar, é hora de repassar todos os meus poemas. Sem selecções... ou talvez escolha um ou outro para o lixo. Mas é melhor aproveitar o meu espaço com qualidade, do que com quantidade de folhas riscadas, cadernos que foram deixados a meio. Deste modo, posso livrar-me de velhas coisas e dar espaço a coisas novas. Do modo que tenho feito as coisas com o diário, apercebo-me de que faço, talvez, ma espécie de Diário Gráfico, aquele "trabalho" que me ...

The words fail to me, from times to times. I search continuosly for the right words to write and yet it seems a hard task. I keep on trying and trying, until something pops up. I recently bought a new notebook. I got one of those notebooks that I was seing on the post station. But they were more expensive than I could ever afford them, until the last time I needed stamps. I was prepared to spend an extra money and, finally, the colourful notebook rests untouched in front of me. I've been talking and typing about re-write by hand nine years of diary entries in old notebooks, of different sizes and shapes. Some pages have been ripped off, thrown onto the recycling bin and I've stopped myself before it was too late nothing was left from them. I will have to do a more careful selection of what to keep, of what to throw away, but that will have to be decided during the writing time. I need to start, though. I see te world through the eyes of experience. I may not be not exper...

Of darkness and dark desires. Of nocturnal creatures, of madness and erotic feasts. Threatning to bring dark creatures to their old glory,  Lizbeth Gabriel  brings us this book of short stories, wonderfully written, full of darkness and moments of undoubtelly good humour. The Theater Of Dusk  is the right book, if you're seraching for all of the above in a single book. NOTE TO READERS: Independent published authors survive from reviews and often people lose nothing by reviewing the amazing works that come accross their hands. If you're a reader of this book, please care to write a review about it on the website. Thank you so much!

Well, I didn't had any idea that we'd came here tonight. Neither did I expect to receive a phone call from my mum at 2 in the morning, saying that some assholes had ranged the door bell and started running up or down the stairs, causing the neighbours to call the police. Well, it had this good thing, that made me start googling about a band, about people that I've considered important in times (and they are. They still are, though on a very different level). And in this, Wikipedia is a very useful tool. The band that I went to google / search about is this very famous band, called Nightwish. I searched about Tuomas Holopainen himself, on the top of his mastery and sexiness. Then, after already knowing that he had fired the amazing Tarja, I went to search about this sweet voiced lady, Anette Olzon, and I realized what I knew deep down on the core of my soul: Anette said that she got fired, the same way Tarja did, eventhough I don't believe it was because of Anette...

Já nasceu o dia. E eu sem dormir. Pensar demais. Fumar demais. Querer e ansiar demais. Já nasceu o dia...

Two articles from "The Guardian", about handwriting, penpaling, keeping diaries and how all of that got lost with all the greatest technological "invasion" in our lives. Pens are dead. Paper is dead. Handwriting is a relic. The lost art of handwriting.

It's night. I came from work not too long ago. Sitting in the old couch of my old living / dining room, I have decided to check out my profile on that website. That is a good website to get some good eye candy, but for rare occasions to have good and decent conversations. It is kind of problematic to me, to get some good comversations with people. From times to times, I text a message for a text service of chat. I leave my number there, in the hope someone comes along with a good conversation. I end up sex-ting. Rare are the men who come up with any other good conversation, without involving sexual traits. And those who do, always want to meet up, get boyfriends and the whole stack of ideas you might getting in your heads. That website serves the nice purpose to see handsome men (I am not really into looking at the ladies, boobs and the rest of their bits). It also serves the purpose of getting to know different fetishes, people into them. And that is how I have been delightin...

Do not allow me to forget where did I came from. Let me destroy. Create. Destroy again. Re-create. Do not allow me to forget who has been staying all this time. Do not allow me to forget those who simply left. Good old times. Good old looks. Good old smiles. Good old laughs. Seek. Seek me in the park, laid in the land, smoking a cigarette. Seek me in the countryside, wondering the beauty of the mountain ahead. Seek me mourning the loss, the death, the forever gone passion. Seek me. Do not give up on me. I am here, standing by you. I feel... somewhat of something. Clear? I am the footsteps in the darkness of the night. I am the shadow at your window. I am the nocturnal birds, crossing the sky of the city. I am the prayer. The light of the candle. The spell you leave in the woods. I am the forever embrace, the forever cold, the forever silence. The moon stays up there. The world changes. You are there, seing the moon on your corner. I am here. I've seen it's...

A bad, mad, sad creature. He walks the streets of the city, under the cold rain. He walks the darkness of the woods, under the pale blue moonlight. Creatures. They walk around. Little shinning eyes in the darkness. Noises. Something groans. Someone moans. He doesn't fear and keeps walking, as there's no danger. Nothing's dangerous for this insane creature - or it's too dangerous, but the eyes are kept shut to the facts. He sees nothing. He feels the heat of naked bodies in the darkness. He feels the warmth of sex being made, the sounds of human's nature. He past walks. There's nothing in the darkness. There's nothing to fear.

A noite tem sido de chuva, tem sido de trovoada. A tarde tem sido de chuva, rodeado de amigos. Ouvimos a trovoada de dentro do carro, vemos os relâmpagos por cima de nós. Fuma-se. Aproveita-se mais um pouco da noite. Sinto-me só. Em nada as minhas escolhas, nem as minhas acções influenciaram, por bem,  a minha vida. Não é hora de tomar uma atitude? Não é hora de mexer-me, deixar de adiar as coisas? Não é hora de acreditar que, mal eu me mexa, o que está errado torna-se em certo, por fruto da minha acção e do meu esforço? Não está na hora de parar de ser medroso (e, talvez, merdoso) e provar-lhes que estão errados? Talvez já tenha acalmado a tempestade. Que chova. Será auxílio à minha jornada. Resisitirei. Eu olho o mundo, altivo e com desdém. Olho de longe, o mundo de que me afastei, as fobias e os complexos que ganhei, por conta do (imenso) decréscimo da minha audição e do tempo em que estive sem aparelho, dificultando imenso a minha comunicação com os outros. Olho o mundo e tenho...

Just because you are yourself. Just because you chase the truth. Just because you dig things deep. Yet there isn't nothing different to be seen. Am I writing about you? Am I writing about myself? Who knows? Who cares, after all? I see and go deeper. I seek the answers, the changes, yet there are no changes to be done. I see it now and it has been destroyed by the belief that such words could be misinterpretated - fuck them, fuck what they say or think. You shouldn't fear the thoughts of the others. They haven't been in your life during the times of struggle. They haven't lived the hard times for you.  Those have been your words, my friend, not too long ago. And you were right. I should be happilly living my life the way I want, the way it pleases me, yet I can not help it, but to think, to wonder what others' thoughts are going to be. It may have been my path, my evolution, but I still feel somehow trapped on what their thoughts might be. I call the name of...

I have decided to edit this blog. Now I have decided to leave it the way it is. Tomorrow, I might believe that there's a great chance that I have acted like stupid, by starting with the editing, by starting to delete old images, old entries. I should be sleeping. There are many other things I should be, but that I am not. I have two letters to write, yet there are no ideas of what to say, I have no idea of what to write. The last months have been terrible in so many ways. The months to come might be wonderful, depending on how much effort I do put on them. Let's see. I went to see someone. A door that should have been kept closed. Now, I see what I miss. I look at what I have craved in the past and... well, it's still necessary. It's still something I could use, because my hands and my body act so naturaly. I should have kept that door closed. And the night breeze would enter through the tiny little opening of my room's window.

Where are the dreams and the hope? The so promised days, of sunshine, smiles, wind in the desert? Where are the so promised nights of lust and desire, of moonlight, of dances around bonfires? Where are the beautiful princes of the deserts, their caravans, their beautiful slaves? Where's the lamp with the genius, where's my flyin carpet? And what about the gold, tons of gold, inside a magic cave? Where are the beautiful eyes looking at me through the room, at the light of lmps of oil? Where are my desires? Where is my heart? Where is my soul?

Porque raio não vi o e-mail?! Pensei que ficasse concluído tudo assim, online. Será que eu sou tão mau assim? Um passo em frente. Dois atrás. Entendo-te. Mas não me deixarei abater assim.

I am trying a new blogging platform. It is a Portuguese platform, so I have decided to try it there again. Call me mad, I might be. Or I really am. It rains hard outside. It rains deep inside of me. I am looking for answers. Answers without even knowing what are the questions. I long for something that I have no idea what it is. The older I get, more questions I have, without properly knowing what questions are those. I fly. I fly deep within my soul. I fly to distant lands of fairytales, of wars and conquers. I fly and I rise high in the sky, like an enormous dragon above a castle. I want to write, but the words won't come out. I feel the urge to write, but I have no idea of what to write. I start and wish for the very best, but that very best isn't enough, that very best isn't good enough. And those lands of fantasy seem farther than ever before.

A minha banda favorita. Um dos seus melhores álbuns. E um tributo em piano. Nada melhor para terminar a noite e dormir.

Just listen. And feel. This. Is. Amazing!

When we decide to do something, it's better to write down what have we decided to do. It suits what I am doing with these blogs, with my diaries... I start deleting some stuffs, but I don't even correct others. It's a matter of feeling and flow. And the feeling tells me to correct and delete, the flow tells me to do only what's necessary. There is no meaning to the things that keep happening. There's no reason. There's nothing. Paranoid, folks. It's all about paranoia!!!

Entendo que nada entendo, que, num dia até gosto da ideia e, no seguinte, nem quero pensar na mesma. Frases. Ao invés de todo um texto, pequenas frases também servem para nos exprimirmos. E é isso que tenho feito esta noite. Medo. Paranóia. Nervos. Vontade de chorar. Solidão.

"Ao largo ainda arde a barca da fantasia, o meu sonho acaba tarde, deixa a alma de vigia (...) acordar é que eu não queria"

Eu quero cantar. Fechar os olhos e cantar. Cantar para não chorar. Cantar para chorar. Eu quero abraçar a dor desta vida. A dor que muitos não sabem que sinto. A febre que, poucos, sabem que queima a minha alma. Ouço Amália. E ouço Fado em Japonês ou num Português rudimentar, mas muito bom, para vir das terras do Japão. Ou Fado cantado ali dos lados de leste. E sinto-me orgulhoso de ver que Amália deixou um enorme legado... tão maior do que aquilo que poderia alguma vez sonhar. A noite passa-se. Mais uma noite que se passa. Eu quero cantar. Eu quero... tanta coisa... que não sei o que quero...

Dou comigo a fazer certas experiências. E correm bem. Sabem-me melhor do que poderia imaginar e supôr. Dou comigo a perseguir sonhos. Dou comigo a perseguir vontades. Vontades de vários géneros. Vontades de várias formas. Dou comigo a observar as ruas, as gentes que passam, os seus sorrisos e as suas máscaras. Dou comigo afastado de todos, com desejo de encontrar-me só. Dou comigo, co o sendo a sombra de alguém que, em tempos, já foi importante, mas conhecendo o anonimato e o silêncio, aprendeu a amá-los. Exilo-me dos meus círculos. Exilo-me dentro das minhas vaidades. E tudo é tão mais real. Aceito, em boa condição, as músicas que o destino coloca no meu caminho. Aceito a sombra da noite mais sombria. Aceito a luz mais clara. Aceito os desafios. Aceito a verdade e o meu afastamento. Aceito, sem o mais pequeno queixume, a pedra da calçada onde me sento, para vê-los passar e a minha solitária divagação.

Here I am again. Maybe there isn't anything worthy to be written about, but I need to try, right? I have had the time to step away from those who I held has the most endearing. I have had the time to step away from nearly everyone. And it has been good. It has been really good. Things seem to walk into the right rythm. Things seem to be getting right. And it requires the continuity of my secret, the continuity of my silence and state-of-nearly-chronic-absence. Things require more time to myself. More time to the true healing of my soul. More time to see the passerbies. More time to see the shadows. In the end, I'm going to be a ghost. The ghost walks the streets of the city. He sees their smiles and their serius faces. He sees the masks. He sees the cigarettes (and inhales the smell of joints in the air). I like to step the streets of the city. I missed that place a lot. I missed what those changex have been bringing to my life. Freedom. Independence, again - t...

Fado sung in Japanese. Amália Rodrigues has sung in Japan and left her mark there, as we can hear in this video. We never know what we'll wake in the others. We have never idea of how long will still be reminded by those who are living. We're nothing, but traces of dreams and hopes. We're nothing and we'll take nothing with us to the grave, but the years we've lived, but the smiles we've given away, the food we ate... Let me "turn off". And dream.

It's no one business what were the most read texts. It's no one business which were the dates that a certain thing has been written. No one needs access to old things. I haven't had the guts to keep on editing this blog on a tablet that keeps freaking out. I haven't had the time, the patience, the will to do so. I can try to keep it more private. I can only try and assume or delete it all in a row, that's exactly what I don't want to do. So I can only close the gates and pray for the very best. Until then, I will be around as often as I feel like writing here, hoping and praying that those older entries won't bother me. Take a look around, if you're wanting to browse through the "Older Entries" button for hours. Maybe days. If not, enjoy what you can get.

Oh, está bem. Se não sou capaz de fazê-lo em Inglês, quem sabe em Português? Porque não? É a minha língua materna, a minha língua d'alma, de coração e de orgulho. E, quanto ao blog em Inglês, o meu blog "principal", tenho pensado em "desligá-lo". Uma vez mais, penso em pôr-lhe um fim, em recomeçar, talvez, num outro "endereço". Mas não é isso que importa. Não é isso que me traz aqui, agora. Talvez os sentimentos. Nada, talvez. Aqui estou, quase de manhã. Lá fora está frio. Os dias têm sido de chuva. O frio aproxima-se. Tu apareces, depois de uns dias em que me invadias o pensamento (será que te atraí?). E, talvez, nem mesmo tu sejas a razão disto. Isto começou há algum tempo, nem sei bem quando, uma incapacidade de escrever para lá de um ou outro texto de diário, uma carta. Porquê? Hoje, neste momento, sinto-me sem saber aquilo que estou a sentir. Na outra noite, bateu-me uma tristeza tão grande, tão fria, tão amarga. Que se esconde por trás do meu sor...

This is some kind of burden. I want to write and not too long ago, some words were dancing within my mind. Here I am, smoking one cigarette (another one) and with my mind going blank, without anything to write about. This is what I have been through in the last months. Except for diary entries or even one letter or another, nothing comes out of my soul through the written form. Who can imagine what goes within my soul? I laugh, I smile, I make jokes. Rare are the people who have a little idea of whatever goes within me. Rare are the people who can see through the surface, who can notice the cold feeling of emptiness. When I stop speaking, when I stare something and my soul runs from the prison of flesh and wanders through other places, no one notices. Who can imagine what one feels? The night is coming to an end, as my words, so I need to leave. I need to stop for now.

I do not have much time tonight. I need to put these words down in a hurry. It matters to say that my blog keeps reminding me of how urgent it is to edit. How urgent it is to re-write certain texts, to delete a few others. Time doesn't stop. Time doesn't slows down. I saw familiar faces. Tonight, a small group of very different people sat at a park, during the night, and the conversation went from alien life, genetically modified food, to the Nazis, anarchy and lots of other stuffs. Inside of me, there's something waking up. And now, I simply need to lay down and try to sleep. Goodnight!

E é tempo de deixar de adiar o inadiável. Este blog tem que ser parado. Temporariamente, pelo menos. E agora, é a altura certa.

Música para a alma. Ouvir. E sentir.

Music from the soul. A name that I have rediscovered while editing the old entries of this blog. Enjoy. And feel.

Espero, um dia, olhar para trás, recordar com doçura os dias bons, ao invés de consumir-me em amargura por conta destes sentimentos. No fim de contas, são os bons momentos que nos fazem ver a luz, mas são os momentos cegos de treva que nos demonstram a nossa verdadeira força. Espero olhar para trás e ver a força ao invés da amargura.

Good morning. Bedtime. Seing some of my blog entries, I came to realize that some of the images that I have deleted from the albums, are disappearing from the entries. No wonder. But I am working on getting it edited. With time, I may repeat musics. With time, I may repeat images. But it's all about the words - without words, this blog would be naked. And this is the purpose of my blog: to ramble about my thoughts, about my inspiration, the source of such inspiration, about my feelings, about my desires, about love and hate, life and death. I wonder. I wonder what's the end of all this. I do wonder what does the end means (in that "Book of Spirits" that I have read, doesn't the man says that Death isn't the end? Egyptians were pzrtially right, we're here preparing our departure for the after-death. Or for the beginning of real life). Even on that game that I was playing, "Death isn't the end". I wonder what does the end means and when wil...

Um. Dois. Todos caem. Todos erram. Ou serei eu que erro as escolhas? Uns aparecem. Outros desaparecem. A alma voa. A alma vai para muito longe e fecha-se num casulo, que não permite toques, que não permite a perda do controlo, que não permite as mínimas mostras de afecto. Uns aparecem. Outros desaparecem. E eu não sei o que diga. E eu não sei o que sinta. Aqui estou. Uma outra noite. Uma outra noite sem dormir. Cinco da manhã. Ouço Amália. Ouço outros. Um cigarro. E mais outro. Outro ainda. Que é que vem aí? Que é que se aproxima? Uma hora passa. E mais outra. Sombras curvadas sobre si mesmas caminham pelas ruas. São prenúncios de problemas. São prenúncios de que algo correrá mal ou de que tentarão enganar alguém. Alguns, talvez, roubarão mesmo. E a merda é contínua. É um eterno círculo vicioso, a menos que se acenda a luz e se dissipem as sombras, relegando-as para a escuridão e para a distância a que pertencem. Um. Dois. Três. Todos caem. Todos erram. Todos ficam pelo caminho. Nada. ...

Ando à procura. Aqui e ali, andei à procura de algo. Alguém. Um significado para esta existência. Um significado para esta vida. E ainda não entendi nada. "A morte definitiva ou a morte transfiguradora? Mas que importa o que está para além? 'Seja o que for, será melhor que o mundo! / 'Tudo será melhor do que esta vida!'"  Florbela Espanca, no seu diário, a 20 de Novembro de 1930 

Bem, não sei por que é que eu insisto em ver as notícias. Vou acabar por irritar-me. Vou acabar por ter vontade de escrever coisas que afectarão os mais sensíveis. Talvez mais tarde. Talvez mais logo.

I am finally editin' this blog's older entries. Some have just gone, others got the mistakes or the gramatical correction. Fear not. I don't either. She was right from the very beginning and there are stuffs that simply shouldn't be on here. Perhaps, not even on my diaries. And that is why I want to get rid of what lacks real quality or meaning, of what isn't pertinent or is way too... erm, explicit? Eventhough this last sentence could be about sexual explicit stuffs, that isn't the case... until, now. Because a few other stuffs have to disappear, vanish in the blue.

It takes one moment to realize what you seek for a lifetime. It doesn't matters if you've studied your lessons, if you have tried so hard that you have felt like fainting, because it takes a very little moment to realize everything when you look at a very specific detail. I use to think of him often. Too often, that he suddendly appeared in that place where I saw him after a few years. Since I gave up on thinking about him, he hasn't showed up again. And it was close. Oh, it was so close... (I keep to myself the secret that I have thought about you the other night. So much, but not that hard, in the hope that you showed up. Nothing. Nothing, this time.) It takes a very little moment, a very little detail to notice that someone doesn't wants to see me or to notice that I am not "welcome" on a "small space". I am not welcome and God forbid me to feel bad for this - keep him to yourself, old disgusting man, I care not. I care no longer. I play no...

It was about time to start doing and speaking a bit less. So I got that Portuguese blog at the Portuguese platform. It was about time to take the effort and the attitude: so I am doing more search, reading more, putting more effort onto what's important and leaving the games a bit aside. It's worth it. I'm ok and comfortable with it. Let me see where all this madness will lead me. It was about time to buy stamps and to sen the letters that were delayed. Or, at least, those that I have had to give 'em a reply. Those that I wrote of my free will and whose reply to a previous letter I am still awaiting... wel, those people can wait for my ords a bit more. Words with months, irreplaceable, without anything really new or worthy time spent writing again and again. It was about time to chose which are my priorities. Deeds are way more worthy than words. That's a fact. It was about time. Let's fly together to outside of this wicked place that we call of comfort.

Dir-se-ia adeus a uma vida inteira? Adeus a uma vida inteira de pequenas verdades, de pequenas mentiras, de pequenos momentos, de pequenos objectos? Dir-se-ia adeus a uma vida inteira de sorrisos e de lágrimas, de sangue e de suor, de carinho e de ódio? Dir-se-ia adeus a uma vida inteira a troco de quê? Eu sonho e ambiciono mais. Mais verde, mais campo aberto, mais montes, mais estrelas no meu céu, mais silêncio, mais solidão, mais afastamento, mais distância. Eu sonho e ambiciono mais de mim, mais da ausência, mais da minha frieza e mais da minha amargura. Longe daqui, das ruas povoadas de estranhos selvagens, da cidade que amo e com a qual me identifico cada vez menos. Longe de todos quanto amo, próximo da minha terra, da minha raíz. Onde ainda se fala o Português que tanto amo. O meu amor é a minha terra, o meu amor é a minha pátria, o meu amor é a minha língua - fúteis vaidades para alguns, imensa verdade para mim. Estender-me-ei no meu campo. Serei uma árvore tocada pela vento, ...

Directamente de Israel, chega-nos esta música, com a participação da sempre linda Ana Moura. Não poderia deixar de sentir o orgulho e a honra de tudo isto, de toda esta música, que me tocou a alma desde o momento da descoberta. Viaja a minha alma por terras de Além. E pela terras de Além (aonde, minha gente, mora a minha alma?), a minha alma sofre por estes cantos, a minha alma sofre por estes sentimentos. E sem bem saber como, a minha alma procura um jeito de desvincular-se de tanta coisa... Hoje, talvez seja a noite. Ou a manhã. E daí, talvez não... Tenho ponderado no encerramento dos meus blogs. Coisas temporárias, porque quero corrigir erros ortográficos, erros gramaticais... e escrever, entretanto, sem que isso implique que seja por aqui. Hoje, talvez seja a noite. Ou a manhã. Ou talvez não.

... se estás a testar-me a boa vontade e a paciência, estás a conseguir, porque começam a desvanecer-me. Ajuda-me a evitar os pensamentos, que, daí à acção, está a caminho de tornar-se um passo mínimo.

Parece que não há muito mais a dizer. Parece que não há mito mais a fazer. Hoje estamos. Hoje somos. Amanhã, quem sabe?! Debruço-me sobre o que acredito serem pedaços da minha alma. Ou talvez a necessidade de expôr-me, utilizando uma desculpa ridícula. Em breve, este blog e o outro que escrevo em Inglês serão encerrados temporariamente. A maior parte das ligações serão encerradas e apenas uma entrada do blog estará visível. Tenho limpo e editado o Facebook, o Twitter, o Instagram... de seguida, virar-me-ei sobre os meus blogs e farei essa limpeza (ou edição) tão necessária. Tentarei corrigir todos os erros ortográficos, eliminarei coisas que considero desnecessárias a presença, eliminarei imagens e fotografias e tentarei dar um novo ar aos meus escritos. Manterei, sim, toda a verdade e toda a honestidade que, como em tudo na vida, não pode faltar aos meus escritos. Agora, fecho este texto por aqui e tentarei. Tentarei, como tento todos os dias.

I am sitting on the couch of living / dinning room and the day has already risen. Outside, the neverending cycle of people getting out of home to go to work has already begun. Some others, might be just arriving from their works. Others, might be returning from their night out partying. I am, however, sitting down on my couch, listening to music from youtube, smoking my cigarettes, eating cakes or cokies and drinking water. Lots of water. I have spent the night doing this and that and doing nothing at all. I have spent the night checking articles online seing cute videos of animals and even one of a Nepalese boy who defended his goat pet from getting slaughtered on a sacrifice ritual (haven't I read that Nepal has a festival in honor of dogs, due to their friendship and loyalty?). In the meantime, I read an article of June about one fadista (fado singer) that was giving a free concert in Lisbon. The article was from a Portuguese website, that also has an e-mail system, blog and...

Words are needless. See the video for the lyrics and feel to the music.

Ok. E que é que eu sinto, a esta hora da manhã? E que é que me corre na mente? Quem me sussurra aos ouvidos as histórias de outros dias e de outros tempos? Em tempos, fomos felizes e fomos inocentes. Em tempos acreditámos poder deitar-nos nas núvens e olhar cá para baixo, dizer adeus e sorrir. Sorrir muito, sorrir ao vento e às árvores que dançam. Sonhámos sorrir ao mundo e acenar: quão mais fácil seria a vida se, como uma criança inocente num comboio, disséssemos adeus pelas janelas da mesmo, a um qualquer desconhecido, com um rasgado sorriso no rosto? Em tempos, sonhámos ter todo o mundo nas nossas mãos. Em tempos, sonhámos. Em tempos quisémos e desejámos, e vivemos. Hoje, resta-nos sobreviver num mundo doido, pautado pelas diferenças, pelo abuso do poder, pelo ódio. Hoje, resta-nos ver o mundo através de um bocado de plástico ou lutar na guerra. Hoje, resta-nos a destruição. Em tempos, sonhei. Sonhei com os meus castelos, cavaleiros cansados a percorrerem os campos de regresso ao ca...

Under the city lights, I walk. On the road by my side, the cars pass by. I stare the full moon. I'm not even there, in that moment. I am somewhere in the cosmos, except there. I walk under the city lights. I can't see you! Where are you? Familiar faces. Here and there. And not always familiar, means friendly. Night time. Thoughts fly away. Nothing matters. The ful moon spreads it's light. If I were in the woods, the trees would be killers or traps. Shadows could be spirits appealed by any kind of offering. Aliens to study anatomy. If I were in the woods, I would be nothing more than a little worm. I feel and my feelings go to waste. I feel and everything burns. What calls the past? And what's wrong than being our own views portraited what bothers us the most? What calls the past, worst than that? I see. I feel. I try to survive. But I am so lost. Lord, I feel so lost.

Há sempre alguém que se questiona sobre o amor (ou a falta do mesmo) na minha vida. E, quando eu digo que nasci sozinho e morrerei assim, questionam-se por que é que insisto em ser diferente. Bem, deixem-me lá tentar escrever isto de forma simples e clara. Numa simples e habitual ida ao supermercado, deparei-me, inevitavelmente, com a espécie humana. Deparei-me com a falta de algo que considero essencial: educação. Vou evitar certos tópicos mais "sensíveis", para não ferir certas susceptibilidades, mas deparei-me com a espécie humana na sua faceta mais feia e, para mim, mais nojenta, que é quando a educação falha. Eu até gosto das pessoas, caso contrário não trabalharia num café. Contudo, e apesar de toda a minha "iluminação", estou a ficar sem paciência para as pessoas. Não tenho muita vontade de andar de roda das pessoas, de criar e prolongar longos diálogos fúteis e inúteis. Gosto das pessoas, mas tenho cada vez menos vontade de lidar com elas, cada vez menos pac...

All hail. All hail the world. All hail the waves of the Ocean. All hail the countless stars in the night sky (including those who are dead already and whose light we still see). All hail the Winter breeze and the Summer heat. All hail the wind. All hail the thunder. Pass by me. Pass by me as I close my eyes. Pass by me, as we notice each others' presence, but I still fade my mind away. Pass by me, a spectrum of another world. Passing ghosts, weeping prayers in the city's air. I see you all. All of you are seing me. I fly onto another world and I live on a dream land. No words. No words to be said. All hail the silence.

Atrás de um dia, vem logo outro. O tempo não pára. A vida não espera por ninguém. Leio o jornal, com interesse e vontade. Fumo um cigarro. Bebo um café. Conversa alegre e animada, e resta-me o interesse curioso (ou curioso interesse?) Do que li. Amanhã é incerto. Não sabemos se chegará. Aproveita hoje e agora - lembra-te que tudo é incerto, até mesmo a duração do nosso tempo de vida; entâo, por que não pensar no amanhã? Faz algum sentido? Ou nem por isso? A tarde chega ao fim. E dentro de mim, existe treva. Treva em dia de sol e de calor. Treva. Dentro de mim, existe um sentimento estranho - por que é que me sinto, de tempos a tempos, observado de longe? Quero distância e quero segurança. Tenho que procurar um rumo e um sentido. Tenho que sentir. Sentir de longe e criar, criar, criar. Criar para não enlouquecer, nem me envolver. O mundo é demasiado cruel. Hajam dias de sol, haja névoa, mas que haja mar. Mar imenso. Atlântico. Que haja onde chorar as minhas maiores agonias, onde matar a...

There isn't much I want to write about. The last times have been critical with the lack of ideas andit is hell even to write a simple letter. I can not write. I am going mad. I came home from work about one hour ago - I am working in a cafe where I have been a costumer for years and where so much life has been lived (a few comments on an old video on Facebook have made some bittersweet memories pop out). The work has been kind of tedious tonight, but it has been cool. It is always cool, even when it's not. In the end, staying pissed off at situations that I cannot control, staying pissed off at people that are merely my cpstumers is worthless. My time, my patience and mental sanity are way more precious than all of those people and moments. I am smoking a cigarette, sitting on my large sofa, while the tv passes a supposed horror movie. The muted tv keeps me company and that's it - instead, I could be at the window, feeling the wind on my face, as the smoke vanished in the...

Almost two years have gone by since we've been at that wedding where this music (as well as a few others from ERA) was played. The lunch and the party, in the middle of nowhere... mountains from Portugal, wide blue sky and the perfect song. The perfect songs. Amazing company. Amazing day. Time is flying and no one is noticing it. Time is flying and I keep noticing the weird things in life, that some would only think that they happened on movies of all kinds, including some pornographic stuffs. It is real, my people, that some crazy nuts stalk other people, that straight men seek comfort in the body of gay men, that mothers don't care about their kids and publish online hiw much do they miss such children. This is real life when someone shoots a firegun in the middle of the street, when we're forced to chose other ways to walk, other paths, that we seek peace through the brutality of the world and that we keep trying to comfort ourselves through others' disgrace. I c...

Estava a ponto de perguntar o que é que eu iria escrever. O que é que eu poderia querer dizer e eis que surge, diante de mim, a resposta. A resposta de que tudo é sempre, sem excepção, mais do mesmo e de que tods, também sem excepção são "farinha do mesmo saco", pois todos procuram alguma coisa. Não estou interessado em descobrir tudo aquilo que os demais procuram. Não me interessa se é apenas companhia ou umas horas bem passadas, se querem amor, se querem apenas alguém que se aperceba da sua existência, que notem a sua presença. Estou cansado e resignado - não ando à procura, mas também não permito que o encontrem em mim. Eu sou aquele que muitos apelidam de louco, mas que se sente o único são no meio de todos eles, de toda a sua loucura. Que me importa o que façam ou o que digam? Que me importa? Hoje tenho as ruas da cidade (mesmo elas têm-me sido tiradas aos poucos). Amanhã terei uma era de cavaleiros, castelos, reinos distantes e longínquos, onde poderei correr livremente...

Amália Rodrigues - Foi Ontem Foi ontem que lembrei o meu passado E o fantasma remorso deu um beijo Só ontem percebi tudo acabado A luz crua da vida em que me vejo Um filho desse amor, amor-pecado No meu pecado vivo se tornou E chora, e fica triste Sempre que canto este meu fado Fado do amor que o amor matou Foi ontem como hoje E sempre e sempre o que há de vir Oh Deus, dá-me sossego pra dormir Foi ontem que fechei os olhos teus Mas novamente veio a primavera E eu que julgava ter fechado os meus O outro ninho, outro ciclo ou folhas dera Foi ontem que fugiu, outra o levou Por que será que tudo me castiga? O que será que eu canto esta toada, esta cantiga Que a experiência da vida me ensinou Foi ontem, como hoje E sempre e sempre o que há de vir Oh Deus, olha por mim Quero dormir

Não. Não mudei. Não. Não me encontrei. Não, estou fora disso, como sempre estive e como digo que sempre, sempre estarei. Estou... de uma estranha maneira, não por nada, não por ninguém, senão eu próprio. Estou, ainda, em crer que estou apenas a sofrer de uma estranha paranóia, que estou ainda a criar fantasias inúteis. Mas, mesmo assim, ocorre-me a ideia de escrever num novo blog, um blog de amor, um blog de sentimentos. Diferente destes que mantenho, mas tão igual. Quem sabe o que vem daí?! E quem sabe como começará, como terminará?!... quem sabe em que dará tudo isto?!... Sinto-me cansado. Sinto-me vencido. Sinto-me resignado. Fazer para não enlouquecer, exteriorizando a minha dúvida, a incerteza, observões do mundo e dos sentimentos. Focando-me, sempre, nesse mesmo sentimento. Crónicas novas? Aqui? No sapo? No tumblr? Quem sabe?! E quem sabe se se farão mesmo?!... Por enquanto, é escrever para não me perder nesta dúvida.

Those have been terrible weeks to write - I try and I keep trying and I am constantly failing. I have plans. I have so many plans to do a wide variety of stuffs, to change a large number of things and nothing seems to ever change. Nothing seems to ever be done. And I do. I keep doing, but it's still not enough. No. There's nothing to be said - not even about you, sweetheart. Today was the day that I have made one comment about you to someone - or so I hope. Will you be there tonight?! Will you ever be there, other than just the fair nice costumer at the cafe, other than just a smiling and nice, yet mysterious guy? No. There isn't anything else to be said. Nothing at all.

Whatever I could have wanted to say or to, is officially dead. Inside of me, the myst of darkness comes softly. So softly, that it hits so hard andno one ever seems able to understand or to recognize me. It's ok. I'll be ok. The myst of darkness comes with sunny days, grey days, sunny days that turn into grey days. The thunderstorm is promised for a while now, but nothing until now. Maybe today. Maybe tonight. She speaks and speaks and she seems to doesn't understand I do not care. Stay away. Go meet your friends - maybe they're working this afternoon? They seem to be putting aside. That's ok, the task to move along is easier for me. I look away and my mond drifts from one issue to another. They come by, they show some support and bring me some "future and hypotetical food". Junk food has never ever been good to anyone, but even the best ones can be kinda "junky" from times to times. I feel trapped in a huge trap - Universe itself playing it...

Não tenho palavras a dizer. Simplesmente ouvir... e sentir.

Another Birth , by the Persian poet and film maker, Forough Farrokhzad . My whole being is a dark chant which will carry you perpetuating you to the dawn of eternal growths and blossoming in this chant I sighed you sighed in this chant I grafted you to the tree to the water to the fire. Life is perhaps  a long street through which a woman holding  a basket passes every day Life is perhaps a rope with which a man hangs himself from a branch life is perhaps a child returning home from school. Life is perhaps lighting up a cigarette in the narcotic repose between two love-makings or the absent gaze of a passerby who takes off his hat to another passerby with a meaningless smile and a good morning . Life is perhaps that enclosed moment when my gaze destroys itself in the pupil of your eyes and it is in the feeling  which I will put into the Moon's impression  and the Night's perception. In a room as big as loneliness my heart which is as b...

Como se a vida não fosse já o bastante. Sem palavras num minuto, logo no outro carregado delas. O sentimento não cessa, não cede, não dá um minuto de sossego, não dá uma mínima trégua. Correm pensamentos. Ideais. Se escrever não me assiste, desenho. Sou livre.

Without ideas and feeling unable to write. I don't feel like writing anything, here or anywhere else. Blogging or simply rambling about what's going on within my mind. Things have gone too far. Things are now too broken to be fixed and that makes my heart bleed... it bleeds non-sense. It bleeds non-stop. And even such bleeding is no reason for me to start writing and rambling and crying through written words. In times, I'd say my art was everything I had left of me. Nowadays, there isn't a single thing I can look at and recall as of my own. The game has gone back to the beginning. The challeng has just re-started. I thought I was saving her some new effort and he we are, back to the beginning. She'll feel sad. I'll feel sad to see her disapointed face. I love you. Forgive me. The sun shines in the cold streets of the city. Later on, when I decide to walk back home, I will look around and will imagine extraordinary thng to write about. It's worthless - a...

I am dreaming of castles. Old, old castles, forts in wars of tremendous proportions. I can imagine the knights coming down the hill. The door of an old church opens to host a wounded and brave man, knwon for countless things - his darker secrets are kept by those who know, love and worship him,as a God. The old temples. The huge rainforest ahead, where the temple is "lost". The chant is still calling, but this isn't the time to go ahead yet. The time is here and now. An old world, full of destruction, hatred, technology that only helps to spread the hate. Cars spilling oil and black smoke to the atmosphere. He remembers while he takes a look onto the people walking down there, in the enormous avenue. And while hE takes a look onto the passing people, all those events come accross my memory. He lives inside of me. He knows what he is made of - so he sends me beautiful stories to be written and still I haven't written them.

Saberás da verdade escondida dentro de mim? Saberás das dores, do que sinto, do que imagino? Saberás das minhas raízes e da minha busca eterna? Saberás dos castelos que persigo e que fogem continuamente? (os castelos não fogem, dirás, mas fogem sim. Fogem os meus castelos de fumo e de penumbra) Saberás dos imensos mundos em que caminhei? Saberás, apesar de tentar dar-te a verdade no silêncio, do quanto me magoa? Saberás? Será que saberei de alguma coisa, além de toda a mentira? Será que o mundo será o mesmo que amo, quando, numa outra vida, aqui regressar? Será que tudo terá o mesmo tom e o mesmo cheiro? (mesmo os mais fétidos) Será que tudo será o mesmo, o mesmo mar, a mesma História, a mesma fantasia? Não sei se saberás. Nem eu ouso saber tudo quanto me mata lentamente.

I have had somewhat of a block that has been stopping me from posting any lines - I feel like I can not write anything else than a simple letter. And even to write letters, I am putting huge efforts on it. I am sitting on a nearly empty cyber-shop. I am listening to some music and enjoying my moment. I am checking my Twitter, trying to decide what (not) to do. I am trying to write, but I interrupt my writing to see anything else quite often - it's OK. It's always OK to get whatever I am doing interrupted. It has been a while and some stuffs have been changing. I am opening myself to some new possibilities. And due to such "possibilities", I am interrupting myself again - for moments, I have forgoten that i should send a text message, instead of doing anything online. But it's OK. It's always OK. There isn't much to be said. In fact, I wonder if I have evber had anything to say at all. I'm fine. But being fine isn't enough. Nothing seems to b...