Not the right night...


To talk about sadness. Not the right night to keep tracking on what I miss more, or what I wish more for the next days. Not the right night to brag about my sadness or melancholia, longing for inspiration for painting, for writing, for publishing my poetries, for anything which drives nut or that makes me sad. Not the right night for writing what I miss or the kinda man (or men) I need.
Weird, but tonight I am a little above that! Tonight I wish to say I can be happy. Toight I wanna show I can smile. TOnight I wanna say I can love, despite I run out of love, because I am just too afraid to let someone make a little bit of sense in my life. I don't want to admit I can feel love, I just don't feel it, because I walk away anytime I'm close to fall in love. I don't want to feel that loveable feeling of stupidity, of losing my reason, of doing idiotic stuffs (I already do) because someone in special. I am trying to let myself go, but now I am wishing to let myself fall in love, there's no one wishing for that. Better for me, everyone's looking for a magical fuck. If you don't know magical fucs, it's something like: "I´m a magician, I give a fuck and I disappear". AHAH! Yeah, maybe that's the best, so I don't go further in me and discover that in the bottom of my heart there's mud, for so long time with no use. Keep me tracking for someone in special and always feeling disapointed, for a little detail no one even notices, but I see it and that ack of "perfection", makes me feel uninterested for that person. That makes my heart turn stone to that kinda love! And now... Now I am letting myself go! Go with the wind, to the arms (or to the lap?) of that special person, floating without destiny.
Today I wanna say I love to listen Ana Moura in my blog. Amália Rodrigues always the best for me.. I heard to Amáia since I am a little child and now, ten years after her death,I still listen to her song, like someone listen to church's musics! She's like my religion, my goddess in many things. But I am listening to Ana Moura, a young fadista (fado singer) who has a strong emotional voice. And the Fado lyrics, Love, Sadness, Melancholy, Joy too... Fado is the perfect sound track for my life, accompanied by some metal songs and ballads. And Amália is the Fadista I on the soundtrack on the movie about my life. When I die, after being a big famous star haha, I will have a biographic movie and she will be the main singer on the musics! =)
I arrived about one hour ago home. I went with my beloved friend Sofia and her friends home, I went to Manuela's house,I smoked my weed and came home. I've been checking hi5, myspace and now blogger, I will read E.'s blog and comment, possibly, and then I'll sleep 4 hours, before going to work. I am living a bohemian life, I am never home, just to eat and seep, I am working or being lazy, doing nothing, walking around, smoking some weed or boozing, sat in the caffé with friends or something. I need to write some letters down, I need to try again on painting and on writing my fictions and being a famous metal star. Maybe the "Manson's kid", as I have the right psycho profile for that. But not tonight. Tonight I am focuused on being sat in the couch, in front of the laptop, doing my stuffs. I know time passes by, I know wasted time never comes back, vbut tonight I don't want to worry about that. Tonight, I just wanna finnish my stuffs, going to sleep and maybe being able to rest, if my brain and my artist's soul, always sadened, always concerned about something, let me to. I can seep for hours and wak up like if someone were hitting all night long. Let's see tonight...
I'm feeling OK. Not suicidal, neither too happy... Just in the middle... And I am feeling great! Suicidal, I am suicidal. It's too logic. But when I am too happy, I smoke lots of weed, because I've forgoten how to deal with happy thoughts, and as a consequence, I turn suicidal. So now, so tonight is a great night! A cool relaxing night and I will enjoy it! I will!!!!!

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