Mad, Mad, Mad!

Music: Vaters Minimix, Rammstein


Maybe that's the right word to be written down: MAD! I am writing here like a mad, the second post of the day, I wrote in my diary. I have writen an idea down in my mobile to a story, that I won't use, probably. I wrote something somewhere else, I can't remember now. I wrote, I started drawing andcolouring soething, like I haven't done for years. It's like a madness strike was pulling me down onto my art again. The fact of being walking slowly to my creations is awesome, but this emptiness feeling is smply awful. It's like if I was missng something along the way. It's like if I was needing a voice in my ear, whispering to me to help me to stay awake. It's like if I was being dragged onto Life and Death epic battles in my inner Kingdom once again. I feel about like cutting myself again. I haven't done it... YET! It must sound quite ridiculous that me, at 21, is turning back onto my teen times idiot acts, but that's reality!
A guy I chat with and who I like to, read my blog and told me I've been caught by love. I asked him "how's that possible if I am not loving anyone, if I am not dating anyone?!"
He answered: "You don't need to! It' quite simple, love is one of the most feared feelings of all, but the one nobody, I mean NOBODY, can resist. Gods, Angels and even Demons are tempted for it, they try to fight it and they're caught. That's so powerful, nobody can run away"
My friend K said he might be right and ow I have to deal with her calling me of pseudo-lover! I mean, jnot a bad thing, a little joke between friends, but it's dumb theidea I am perishing to love's hands. I don't feel like a loveable thing!
Too many times in the streets, in caffés, or anywhere else, I see some boys I feel into to, but they're always with girls, or they're always straight. I do feel like being unable to love anyone, I do feel like being empty forever and there's no healing hand for it. There's no remedy for my aches! I'll be hurting myself forever. I'll be illuding myself forever! I do wish, sometimes, a boy to take me away from here. I do feel like living a stupid movie. I said it befre and I am repeating myself constantly, in this matter of stuffs, it's like a biographic movie, where we see artists with tormented souls, living tormented lifes, living lifes which are not what they dreamnt or have choosen and finally, when the movie is almost ending, they die, with the perfect lover next to them. They're shot, they die with any disease, they kill themselves, or anything!
"Fly, little angel, fly high like the moon, spread your wings and fly, reach the sky, turn dust and die!"
I do need something! Maybe a big dose of morphine!!
In the picture, I am smiling to my friend Pedro, the one who took this picture! It's like a big changing was coming, but things remains the same. My life is work, work and work! Nothing more but work! And when I am not working, I am out there, in the street, hanging with friends, or in the caffé chatting and drinking my coke, or my coffee! I need something more! I need more, much more! I need so much more than being in the caffé working or with with friends, I need so much more than being closed inside the damned caffé all day long. My boss is not paying me, he's not into giving me any money, I am like working for free. He owes me about 2 1/2 months of work. He doesn't pay me that long!
I need to be like in the picture, smiling, happy or joyful! I will admit it, I think I do need a guy, guy to hold me in his arms, to tell me everything will be ok, I need someone to kiss me, I need someone to go to the beach at night and watch the sea - my brother, the sea - I need someone to hold the relationship, when it's in great tension. I need to stop being the strong one, I need to stop being the relationship holder. I need to stop holding other's bursting, I need to stop holding the other's drunknesses. When I smoke weed, when I get drunk (too rarely), they feel bored to have to hold me; so why do I have to hold them everytime!? Because I am a fool and I insist on coming out hurted by the other's, in my relationship with them! I don't care about my scars and my losses, because I always trust and believe in people.
I like that picture, don't know why! It's sweet, or something like that! Goddammit, why m I so alone, then? *hitting with the head in the walls, trying to get rid of these ideas*
Probably, it's the lack of sleep! Sleeping for an hour... I have time to sleep more when I'm dead!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Easter time: cleaning and rebirth time

Image
  This is Easter time. This is the time of rebirth like Christ Himself, the time to rise from my own ashes, like the Phoenix. And having written this, I am thinking about social media and the amount of accounts that I follow uselessly. Twitter is in worse conditions: I have followed almost 2000 accounts recently. Mostly linked to gay porn, accounts that share gay clips and certain men who share semi-nudes, teasing their viewers to buy a subscription for their OnlyFans accounts. It's useless and I followed most of them because the images were pleasant. I have even thought about getting myself an alt account, so that I could follow certain accounts freely. It happenes that my Twitter account is 11 years old, I have a massive number of people who have blocked me, including politicians and political parties in my country and I'll honestly stick to those honor badges. I'll unfollow the vast majority of people and accounts that I came to follow and stick to those whom I've re
Read more

The Blessing and the Curse of Technology

Technology is a blessing. And a curse. I am typing this message inside a very full bus. Few seats and not that much space for people doing this long hour trip on their feet. I am deactivating the cell phone's browser and Google Chrome, as I am sticking with Brave and have been for a while. And this process has been kinda painful: Google Chrome is the most used web browser and as most cell phones are part of Android universe, it's more than natural. However, it hands me a little too many ads and trying to read anything is almost certain that I'll end up hitting a surprise pop up ad. My cell phone is a Redmi, which gives me Mi Browser as a default. And although Mi browser blocks some commercials, it still allows pop ups; trying to see something on YouTube still gives me ads, despite the ad block. And although I'd like to use the easiness of Chrome or being faithful to Mi Browser, Brave wins. Wins because you block ads, because it blocks cookies without having websites ask
Read more

Nightwish welcomes Floor Jansen as a permanent vocalist

Image
I was seing my G+ news feed, when I got stuck on a new that I was alreay expecting: Floor Jansen has been introduced as the permanent vocalist of Nightwish. I got the new in the webpage of Nuclearblast. Here's the link to the new:  http://www.nuclearblast.de/en/label/music/news/details/3174952.nightwish-announce-two-new-band-members.html I am leaving all the details for the experts!! This post, served the single and only purpose to congrat Floor Jansen fpr such position. You deserve it and your voice is amazing. I listen to you since the times of After Forever. Haven't had the same attention about ReVamp, due to life issues. But your voice is wonderful. I think it'll suit Nightwish's amazing works very well and you'll make it remarkable.
Read more