They said, they asked

"There's no fucking reason for your life", he said. "For what you write, it seems like you are doing nothing in thsi world".

I just kept silence, while he typed it on MSN. I read today, cause my MSN has shut down, as I've gone to sleep. Is it true? May it be true?

There's not a fucking reason for me to stay alive? There's no sense in my life, for what I write? I feel like ging down. Lately I am saying it a lot, I am like falling on a never ending spiral of depression, hate, fear and so many of those feelings. It's like I was missing something which will never come back. It's like if I am missing something I have never seen, something I can't even imagine how does it looks like, how does it behaves.

"You're such a sad person, aren't you?", a girl once asked me. Well, honey, you dealt with me, eventhough in letters and that's your point of view. So I supose you got your answer by your own.

Lately, in the last two or three days, I have been unable to smile in a real way! I feel like there's the huge hole inside my chest I mention so many times, but thi time, it's a cold dark hole. I feel the wind inside my chest, like if a bazooka has hitted my chest with a shot.

I haven't listened to much Metal, lately. More on a dark ambient wave, some industrial, with those electronic sounds. Lots of Fado, lots of my beloved Amália Rodrigues and lots o that one who they call Fado singer, as well, Mariza. Lots of sadened and meancholic songs. Lots of feelings involved and none of them can be named. I don't know what to feel.

"You're a person who lives in extremes", my sis told me once, like if it was a secret.

Hun, you deal with me for ten years now and you know what I am made of. That's so simple...

I feel empty... I feel nothingness... I feel like if I was stoping, after a long car trip, on high speed... It's like the feeling of highness going away, after a few hours laughing and feeling OK! I don't use drugs for a few days, by the way!

I drunk a double Martini Tuesday night, but gone to sleep right after. So that's OK!

I am feeling bothered... I really need to go... I really need to stop by now...

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