By The Way


It's a weird thing I always choose female images, when it's about anything. Well, it wouldn't be that weird if I wasn't a gay guy!
By the way, I've been in such a depressive state of mind or of soul or of spirit, as you prefer to make the interpretation. It's almost like if I wasn't allowed to feel happy, satisfied, with a bigger hunger for life. I should be able to go out at night and feel good at a disco or a bar, be able to laugh quite easily, but Ihate the simple idea of enterng a bar or a disco, go to the dancefloor, mix with the "normal" human being, feeling my body being touched from all over, feeling those house style, trance or hatever it takes at he disco musics sounding out loud, making my brain jumping, like a little bit of salt in the fire.
I do feel like a mad thing. I do feel like a crazy, like an eccentic stuff, unable to be happy. There's something which happens, when women are kidnapped by the bad guys, when they are rich and fall in love with the law transgressor, it's associated to something like the bored emperetress. That's a bit like I feel, a bore emperetress, with no way to feel good or satisfied.
When I do let myself falling into a normal state of those who need to feel loved, when I do look at couples and feel sad because I am alone, I imagine two girls of pop music, some of the few pop stuff I still listen, t.A.T.u.. I recall to my memory the song "Not Gonna Get Us", where they're running away from something in a stolen truck. I magine how it would be great to have a guy with car, running with me away from here, with no Destiny, with no place to stop. Just going, being driven through roads. Going away, with someone who loved me. Butthere's no dreams or fantasies taking me out of serious!HA!
I feel I am returning to my art. My art is my lungs, my fortress, my secret place. I do used to paint, but 5 years ago, I've been diagnosed with a depression and since I took anti-depressive medicines, I quit painting, writing, etc. I am now tring to fight this place in-between nowhere inside of me and trying to unleash my creativity. I might not be talented, but I have love and passion for what I do and that's something which many of those talented people lacks of: passion!
And for passion, I am trying to get another band, since my band with my fiends broke up, two years ago. But when I was trying to be a Nightwish like band, as I can sing some things like Tara used to do, we had nothing to do, since they tried to change my style. I am not looking for a band of Metal, or no only Metal. I wanna be able to do something more creative, trying many different soundscapes, but with Metal as a basis. Naming some bands or singers as influence, Nightwish (Tarja's Era), Draconian (my beloved ones), Otep, MM, Elend and a few more. Some of my other influences of bands, are some of my myspace friends, with bands or artist's profile. I just need to work it out, I need to find the musicians, Ineed to keep on the track for them, but they're not coming up, they're not appearing...! Though I keep on fighting, I feel weaker each passing day.. I won't be giving up that easy, but it's hard to deal with, the failure, the frustration...
Goddammit! I need more... So much more!!

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