Angel Alucard

This is it... Maybe things are about to come back to their place. I've seen/read somewhere that there's a right time and space for everything to happen and it was the time to return. I started painting again, after a big break on that due to my depression and to my medicines. It seems that when I was taking my medicines to fight depression, I couldn't paint, I couldn't write... Just singing, because singing didn't request my soul to do that. It doesn't mean I don't put my soul in my singing, it just happened that my feelings wasn't all the entire base for me to sing. When I paint, I used to paint what I was feeling. Now, on my return, I'm focused on human (feminine) bodies and faces. I always did, I expressed my feelings through others expressions, and now it's my stronger phase. I am wishing to finish my studies, I am wishing to do my art and be able to become part of the infinity. I want people to remind me, when I die. I don't want to be f...

Tonight it has been a good night for me. Still no internet, unable of using my computer and being oblied to come to the cyber caffé and paying €2 for one hour in the internet and being unable to see what I wish (right it was porn, till a guy come and sit right next to me and look at the screen... Gay porn and I am feeling a bit bothered). I wish I could be at home, enjoying some gay porn, with BIG MUSCULAR skinheads fucking some boys skinny asses. I wish I could be laid in my bed, enjoying this decadence of the human nature of gay guys. I wish I could have one of those HUGE MUSCULAR men over me... I wish ne of them was using my hard and even harder each breathe I could take. Anyway, some thing bad, can also bring something good. Something gooooood for me are the guys who were playing snooker in front of me, with those summer clothes, which leave me see their arms, imagine their back. My imagination in front of hot men is getting each passing day more dirty. My imagination is working ea...

And it seems its a neverending confusing state. Things seems to be a neverending spiral of confusing states of mind. Its like the neverending run for our lives... It doesn't necessariously means we're endangered, but its the need to be living in the present moment, the urgent need to be living in a fast way, to be doing the things in the moment, to be unable to rest, eventhough I'm not working in the present moment... I'm tired... I'm really tired... And I need some rest... Something which makes me rest for a while...

Where are they?? Wasn't I supposed to be happy with another birthday coming?? But since I remember, I always hated my birthdays. Since I can think of, I always tried to hide on my birthday. I always wished to be dead gone in that day. I always wished to shot anyone's head who wished to me a happy birthday. Thats not a happy day for me. That's not a day I like to be recalled at, that's not a day I wish to be happy and all smilie around! You might be thinkin I hae the idea of getting one year older. Well, too bad news for ya: I don't fuckin' care about my age. That's just a number on a card and on a paper. It's unexplainable, I simply hate it! And since my dad passed away, 12 years ago, it's getting worse, year by year. The older, the more I hate this day. And my granny passed away 5 years ago, so it was worse! An worse, and worse and worse, day by day, year by year... I was fucked up ast night. I woke up late and messed up in my head, anger, sad, to...

Second post of the night!! I'm inspired tonight!! After hanging around on myspace and facebook, I just realised of how things changed! I think I've gone depth in this question, after checking some friend's photo albums. And this is the really matter. I still remember when the photo albums werethosehuge old books, with pictures in it, that we used to open when we was feeling nostalgic or depressed with present days or life. They was such big and heavy books, full of memories, that used to set free a strange smell like if something dead was hidden deep inside the paper pages. Memories of happiness, of sadness, melancholy, loneliness, emptiness... But memories! At the time, it was hard to destroy one f those pictures, to throw them away, because we knew we pobably wouldn't have a chance to get it back, and then that little bit piece of the past would be forever gone. By now, we can delete the picture with a simple press in a buttonat we know they will be in the computer di...

And it seems that even things turn better, there's always something to help me to fall! I get myself always looking at any cute guy around but I am always alone. Yesterday or the day (night) before yesterday, I went to a friend's birthday. After the party, after the effect of the weed being passing from my mind, after everyone have said goodbye to each other, me and another good friend of mine stayd chatting for a while and I realised that even the fact of my rare presence between them now, it doesn't means people doesn't talk about me. About my life... It turns into a serious thing when someone says I have a boyfriend, who's a big fagget! Hmm, interesting!! And the funny part of the thing is that it was my friend Sofia, who said that and introduced a boy like if he was my boyfriend! It seems I gotta check who's really worthwhile to have around me. It seems I need to do a shutdown within me again, within all those who surround me and check who reall must keep ...

It's not a matter of beig feeling guilty about something. I regret nothing, by now! Till now, there's nothing I've done wich made feel my sleep for it! But I was supposed to being feeling guilty, because I have had sex with a man and I haven't kept in touch or replied to his sms on my phone. That's what he said, when I finally decided to break this "iceberg" between us and has told him that by time being, I just hve had sex with him, I didn't knew him from nowhere and I wasn't feeling intended to do that. He said I wasplaying with people's feelings. I am not!! He knew exactly what he should expect from me,as I've told him from the beggining!! Anyway, I was just needing a bit of high-speed tonight... A ride in a HOT guy's car, through the highway with no Destiny, has I've done with my goddaughters an the ex-broter-in-law of one of them. I was always at home at 2 am, like my mother said me to do, but we've gone lots of times thro...

Sometimes, I do find myself wondering why do I must give a chance to life to smile to me. Sometimes, I find myself wondering why should I be happy, why should I not smoke, why should I not to drug myself, why should I learn to deal with myself without drugs and so ooooon... People are driving me nuts!! GO FUCK YOURSELF WIT YOUR WELL INTENTIONED COMMENTS!! DON'T YOU GET BORED OF FUCKING ANOYING THE OTHERS?? I am feeling a weird changing in me. I am wearing coloured clothes sometimes I am wishing to go to the beach and fry my skin and my brains at the sun, I am wishing to go to the sea to take my bath, I am walking Cacém, getting my trone back, walking Cacém streets once again... I am feeling something is coming, but I am affrid of losing something along the way... I o need the comfort of my black clothes, I d need my sadness when it comes, I need my loneliness when I am with it in, I need allI have and I need all I don't have... I simply need!! These last days has been some ki...

That's the most frequent question in my mind lately... I needed to borrow some pants to my aunt, and I saw my old coloured cothes. It might seem something stupid, but I felt sorry for my clothes being out of usage for so many years... I missed sing colours. I fear to lose my essence. I fear to stop being me for going back to colours. I fear everything around changes. I FEAR TO LOSE MY REAL ESSENCE... AM I CRAZY? AM I BEING STUPID OR CHILDISH? I NEED A LIGHT... THE TINIEST, THE WEAKEST IT IS, BUT I DO NEED A LIGHT!!

There's a lot changing lately... Summer time is here, with its overheated HOT and DRY weather. And it seems that with Summer time, people reminded that I exist, that they need me and it's the time for all my friends callsme to a coffee, to be with them for a night, for gambling, for chatting, for weed or anything my presence is requested. And it also seems to be the time I realise I'm changing... Fortunatelly, I deall with different people... People with all the kinds of life stories, people with different likes, people with different kinda conversations. I don't even feel bothered by strangers. My god daughter sent me via bluetooth to my cell phone a music called "levaste minha vida" (you took my life). It's a soft piano song with hip-hop rythm, but I like the lyrics and so I'm listening to it. Sorry if you're bothered, so you can search the next blog. *ahah* black roses for ya* I need so much more, this summer... Maybe a little bit of beach, ...

There were a soul... A little shinnig star in the night sky of burning stars. That little star used to dream of a beautiful universe of art, music and beauty. Time passed by and the star started getting disapointed with the world... Things weren't going in the direction it wanted. Everything gone different... Now, its a lost little artist... It lives in caffes with friends... It listens to an old voice of the past... It writes some poetry... It smokes a lot... It do lots of things normal and so many others that are not so normal... You go it, I'm talking about myself.. My star stopped shinning. I stopped feeling... I need my feelings back... I need to know how to feel joy... I need to know how to be able to love someone... I need to be able to fly away, withouth leaving my place once again... I need everything of me back... Is there anyone reading this? Is there anyone able to help me to?

I'm feeling tired... Yesterday, I finally talked to my boss... He said he wanted to make a contract to me, 9 moths after being in that caffé. I wanna leave. I told him that probably I would leave, I just needed to talk to my mother first. Cheated. But I came home with that little taste of freedom to come in my mouth and in my soul. But in the reverse, there's my thought on my costumers. I suppose that I don't want people that far as I thought. Lately, I find myself affraid of the idea of being alone. I am affraid, for the first time in a long, long time. Tomorrow, I'll tell him I wanna leave. No matter how, I wanna eave, with no courts, with no anger, ith no fear and no regrets. I don't wanna look back. I just wanna leave and stop for a while. People lok at me and say I look way older than 21 and that's my age. I look way older, I feel the rides under my eyes... *hehe*, rides does not scare me! Anyway, I feel older than 21. There are some days I feel like if I ...

It's funny how do we meet scared for them... Not exactly scared, but the fear of seing them again,after a long period of time withouth even feeling their look! And when we meet,through our friends, old internet buddies, it's weirder. I can not explain this... It's that kinda feeling that only when somene experiences it can understand. It was such a weird day off from job. Woke up at 4 p.m., went to the caffé at 6, met some friends, has been there with another friend, went home and I am going to the caffé again. Don't know why do I feel like sadened in the end of another day, when sun goes down nd moon starts shinning up there in the sky. Smoking, sat in a chair, looking the sky out there...Poet,Fadista, painter and many other things... I could be tht and much more... I wish I was that and much more... I wish I could... One more day, another defeat... Always here, always the same..

I've been watching some guys' profiles on a agy guys website and there's something I' been readingso much lately: "I want cool boys". I am cool... "Easy going and fun guys". I am easy ging and fun... "Peopl who likes and knows how to enjoy life". I do! That's something that bothers me lately... Just because I feel just a little bit too much things, just because I do wrshp Death, it doesn't means I don't smile, I am not funny, I am not loveable, I am not worth of anything from anyone. It doesn't means I'm nothing more but a darkened clothed guy, sad and always listening to music in the mp3. Just try to find me, just dre tot ouch within me and you'll see... I'll write down a short thing, like a short story, I've been imaginating 5 minutes ago some words and I'll try to work a little thing down! He's gone by now. We fought really hard, we yelled at each other. He's a cop and I am a bandit. Really har...

I can not name this post... Not by a lack of imagination, no for fear of fail, not for anything in particular... Maybe for everything in particular. Maybe because I m highed (it might sound ordinary, lately), but I set my imagination freer when I am highed, like tonight. That's somethign good and bad at the same time. Like when we washed cartoons and when someone needs it's conscience, imadatelly appears one angel near one hear a a horny little devil in the other. *hehe* I am highed... I just read E.'s and Ludi's blogs, I commented them and now I am here... But E. named the post "NOT FUNNY" and it was so funny in the end. Ludi wrote a pst about Groupies and ideas and thought the matter of those two posts were different, they was so looke like to each other... Somehow, they really did... And I was working something out in my mind... And something worked out with the weed I smoked... And something made a light be turnt on in my mind and other something turnt it ...

Tonight I feel like dancing... Tonight I would love to feel like a gypsy or like one of those nomades arabian guys. I am listening to an arabian song, after hanging to the caffé and ee my god daughter, who's pregnant of 5 months. I do love her, she's way too important for me and we've been a few months without seing each other and tonigt I met her at the caffé. We've been together talking, having fun and so on... I can not describe the feeling I had when I saw her. It was so magical!! She's really, really important for me!! Tonight I have the best reasons for smiling!! Toight I feel I could dance all night longand in the morning going for work, still dancing and face a whole day of work and hard feelings!! I feel I could do this all my life, being this way, behaving this way, but I know it's not forever lasting. This greatness feeling will not last forever! But I wanna enjoy it while it lasts... My hips are shaking while my ass is sat in the chair. My body shak...

It was such a strange day... I slept all night long, like I haven't doe for a long, long time. I must confess, I arrived very tired from my job, but I just turnt laptop ON, when I sat in the other couch and fell aslept. Today, I woke up soon and I was feeling great. I woke up with a smile in my lips, I went to work with that same smile. I kept all day long with that smile and I almost ended up the day with that smile. But I didn't. Suddendly, a sweetened sadness came along and it took over me very slowly. Rght now, I'm a bit highed *once again*, but I can feel that sadness. That's a weird thing like how, in the end of the day, when I was supposed t be happy with the idea of leaving and going home, I was not. Perhaps, it was the idea of having nothing in particular waiting for me out here. Right now, there's a song of Mariza, "Morada Aberta" (Open Address), playing in the laptop and it's about a love which was gone, like when she left her love wanderi...

To talk about sadness. Not the right night to keep tracking on what I miss more, or what I wish more for the next days. Not the right night to brag about my sadness or melancholia, longing for inspiration for painting, for writing, for publishing my poetries, for anything which drives nut or that makes me sad. Not the right night for writing what I miss or the kinda man (or men) I need. Weird, but tonight I am a little above that! Tonight I wish to say I can be happy. Toight I wanna show I can smile. TOnight I wanna say I can love, despite I run out of love, because I am just too afraid to let someone make a little bit of sense in my life. I don't want to admit I can feel love, I just don't feel it, because I walk away anytime I'm close to fall in love. I don't want to feel that loveable feeling of stupidity, of losing my reason, of doing idiotic stuffs (I already do) because someone in special. I am trying to let myself go, but now I am wishing to let myself fall in l...

It was my day off from job today! I woke up soon, cause I had some stuffs to do and I took my mp3 when I went out, like I always do. All Iheard the whole day was "Ave Maria", performed by the grand Tarja Turunen. The whole day I've been listening to this song. I begun the day with some heavy stuffs on Metal, but when I turned Tarja's folder on, I never left this song gone by. The whole morning, the whole day, till the battery of my mp3 turn off. Now, I am at home, having a wonderful time, all alone, me and Tarja, singing in the laptop. A few minutes ago, I was in the caffé with my aunt and I came out there to smoke. It was raining softly and the cars was passing in the road. I missed the times I was in the car and i was raining out there. I saw a couple inside one car and I imagined myself in side one car with a HOT guy next to me driving me through a highway in high-speed and Tarja singing this song. I couldnt hear anything out there, only her voice. Suddendly, that...

A light can shine above our heads!! It's like if we're having an epiphany... We discover the secrets of the world. The secrets of our origin. The secrets of people's behaviour. The secret of madness inside certain souls. I realised that part of my madness is due to those I have lost in my life. Irealised that I have not a base of sanity, so I do behave in certain degrees ofmadness that "normal people" can't reach. The so called normal people have problems to the behaviour of some people like me. If I wear black, I have had a lost, I am satanic and a HUGE list of things that just can't be listed here, or I would spend all night long in front of the laptop. Perhaps I would lose the birthday of my friend. I just think that part of what I am is due to the things which happened in mylife. We're the result of what we'e lived. That's not all. Part of us is he result of what life did of us. Part of us exists thanks to the lfe experiences we've earn...

There's a song I didn't heard for years... Sometimes I went to youtube to search for it. Not exactly my kinda music, but a good song, for good times. I still remeber when I heard this song for the very first time. I remember when Fugees came out with this girl, singing this song! I still remeber when I was younger, living near a place called Famões with my aunt only. Those wre the best times of my entire life. Tonight I came to dinner to my aunt's place and it was like if I have found a memories box and like if I was on my knees, touching the old things which were important for me. She no longer lives in he same place, but I am at her place, me and her, dinning, talking, with no fights, with no screams... Things seems to have gone back to the past, when it was only me and her nd it's a good feeling! A really good feeling! Sorry to those who can be shocked by my music choice for tonight, but I felt a nostalgia, a melancholia calling for me by far, but it hasn't saden...

Things change. People change. The voices in the other side of the phone change. The steps on the floor change. The rythm of our lives change. But I don't feel this defeat feeling changing. I was hoping that things would change. Well, a smile comes down on my face, but things haven't changed that much. Boss still doesn't pays, I am still alone (no, I don't forget about friends, but it's not the kinda thing I mean), I am still a sadistic guy, I am still needing, I am stil longign for something bigger, for something greater, that I just can't understand. I still walk the streets with my mp3 screaming out loud in my ears forsaking the world all around me. I feel like if I was having a fatal time; I mean fatal, just because I smoking about 40 cigarettes a day, I don't drink alcohol very often, but when I do I drink just too much, or I do like in the other night, I drank a lot and I smoke weed, so I felt bad. I am going a little bit suicidal, like my friend/costum...

Music: Vaters Minimix, Rammstein Maybe that's the right word to be written down: MAD! I am writing here like a mad, the second post of the day, I wrote in my diary. I have writen an idea down in my mobile to a story, that I won't use, probably. I wrote something somewhere else, I can't remember now. I wrote, I started drawing andcolouring soething, like I haven't done for years. It's like a madness strike was pulling me down onto my art again. The fact of being walking slowly to my creations is awesome, but this emptiness feeling is smply awful. It's like if I was missng something along the way. It's like if I was needing a voice in my ear, whispering to me to help me to stay awake. It's like if I was being dragged onto Life and Death epic battles in my inner Kingdom once again. I feel about like cutting myself again. I haven't done it... YET! It must sound quite ridiculous that me, at 21, is turning back onto my teen times idiot acts, but that'...

They say I am crazy! They say I am given to extremes! I can I not be crazy? I can I not begiven to extremes, if I am forced to? How can I not feel angry sometimes, if they make me feel that way? How can I no do anything if I am forced to take an attitued and go to destroy them? I didn't wished that, I swear I didn't, but I won't be sorry. I won't feel regrets. I won't be walking away, just like that. I will walk away, but I'll be taking the prize for my kingdom... The scars as the evidences of this fight! Do not fear, I won't hurt... much! I just a little taste of your blood. A little taste of your fear. A little taste of your regrets! Really. Not that much!

Still longing on so many things. Still longing in long nights of insomnia. Still longing in a fantasy world. Still longing on something more. Still longing in a distant world of fairtale,where me,the hidden prince in a tower, will be saved by another prince, arriving in his dark horse, in a Middle Aged land, with knights, with tents around, with medieval fairs, with lots of forests, with dragons, with princesses and donzels. Still longing with the futuristic world, with an overpopulated metropolis, with flying cars and spaceships. Still trying to keep, at the same time, my head in the Earth. Still... Right now, was trying to modify my blog. I was working hard to find the right image to fill in the blog's title, but it's so hard to chose. I would like to be like those people who look at some thing and just think: "This would fit perfectly here or there". But I am not. I can not take a decision, before I think very much about that, without longing for hours, for days o...

And one more night, lonely in my bd, after posting this. Not that I am needing anyone to warm me up, but the fact that till about one hour ago I was with many people at my friends Manuela' house... Some of them was taking all the kind of drugs, but I am clean. I was wishing to smoke my soft weed, but fortunately, no one had it! A guy taking his drug... A new girl in the circle... The hot ukranian boy... Me with Manuela's fakes hair, for fun... The Ukranian guy said I would cheat him, if he found me in the streets. Too many things... I am writing daily in this blog, as it's the only way I have to creat something, now. Through my posts, I eel I am creating something, though a memories book, to be printed in a near or far future. Something to remember later. Something to follow me up in the coffin, when I die. I've been thinking about being cremated... But then again, my fear that my body urvves to times and people can see me in 300 years... Only madness... Only emptiness,...

Isn't any time in your life you felt like defeat, without entering in any single battle? Isn't there a single minute, the more happy you can be, the more confident you are, you sat alone in a chair, in your toilet, anywhere, but that you sat in silence and your brains started screaming out loud "I am defeated"? This is the feeling I got by now! Today, I went out as every night, and I met with my friend M. in the caffé. She was with a guy appearing to be 20 years, at least, yunger than her (she's 53) and the guy was little bit drunk. He was a blue eyed ukranian guy, handsome one, and he was there, with her, talking, being a nice boy, talking to herand not showng any kind of emotion by her, but she was grabbing the guy, kissing him... Later, we went at her place and he went onto the bathroom and she entered to put soethiung back to his place and took some time inside that bathroom. After that, S. came home, we chatted for a while and she went to the room. Me, M. and...

It's raining strongly out there I was at a friend's house and I have had to leave and come home. I was with my mp3 turned on and suddendly, it started palying Elend and their song "Opis Puthôn" and it was the perfect melody for a rain walking! OH, it cleant my soul... I always love rain walkings,listening to wonderful songs. It's a soul healer for me! I love walk in the rain and if it's in my choice, I go out with no umbrella, to feel the rain in my hair, in my face in my clothes, reaching the skin... t could begreat if it used to touch my flesh, but I have no cuts in my body to do so. I do love it. I am feeling awesome, despite all this despair and confusion in my mind! I really am... Better, only if I was in a car,being driven to far from here, to have fun i any wrong way. Now, I am listening to Mariza. I imagine myself near a huge window, in a huge chair, looking out there while I smoke a cigarette and the rain is hitting the window. It would be so perf...

"There's no fucking reason for your life", he said. "For what you write, it seems like you are doing nothing in thsi world". I just kept silence, while he typed it on MSN. I read today, cause my MSN has shut down, as I've gone to sleep. Is it true? May it be true? There's not a fucking reason for me to stay alive? There's no sense in my life, for what I write? I feel like ging down. Lately I am saying it a lot, I am like falling on a never ending spiral of depression, hate, fear and so many of those feelings. It's like I was missing something which will never come back. It's like if I am missing something I have never seen, something I can't even imagine how does it looks like, how does it behaves. "You're such a sad person, aren't you?", a girl once asked me. Well, honey, you dealt with me, eventhough in letters and that's your point of view. So I supose you got your answer by your own. Lately, in the last two or th...

Probably, this is the very first time I am sad with a reason to be... Maybe this is the very first time, in many years, I am quietly sit in the chair, just listening to mp3 and thinking about stuffs. Maybe this is what I was needing for a long time: being alone! But being alone is not that pleasant as I always felt, since we have the person we wish far from us. I am not talking about a guy laid naked in my bed, smiling satisfied afte he us my butt for his own pleasure. I am not talking about a boyfriend delightening in pleasure with kisses. I am talking about my mother. Though we fight each other 99,9% of the week, I miss her and ths is the first night she's spending out, at her boss' house, while he's away with his wife and left his kids behind. It's a weird feeling... This lonely night is just being great, but I feel emptier, sad, needing company... Somehow, the happily-and-proudly-alone-beast needs company! It's a cold night out there and right in front of me, th...

Thee 's something weird going on... I could say it's something weird going on with me, but it wasn't jus with me. The world... The world has something weird around... People says it's a matter of time for me to change, for me to see the world in a different view. Some of the so called gothic people crticized me for listenig to Evanescence, when I used to say I was a gothic. But people does not understand that Evanescence came to help me to rise from the ashes. Perhaps,I had commited suicide a long tyime, if Evanescence hasn't poped out to the world. It's like if they have had entered in my mind and in so many things, has the same view of things and of the world than me. World, people, life... About one hour and a shower ago, I was in the street I live in for 14 years by now, riding the swing they installed here, when they made the works in the city, change it into a tottlly new place, listening to"Everybody's Fool" in a piano intrumental, by Eclips...

I am nuts about so many things... I am still nuts about something... But I don't have strenght enough to label them down... I am highed and not even that state of mind and body makes me feel strong enouh to "talk" about problems... Or those problems, at least. Not the stuffs I am nuts about. Maybe the fact of have been attacked by a drunk guy, wishing to go for a fight with a tiny skeleton like me, about 10 minutes ago is soething interesting enough to keepyou entertaiened for a long night. *devilish giggle with little horns borning* But when I am drunk or higed, if I go for writing, I am able to put my feelings out, better than when I am sobber... It has like a feeling of emptiness, of sadness, something that will take me out of my mind... I do need to be strong. I feel like if I am in the middle of a spiral, falling and falling, turning and turning... It never stops, but now the winds blowing my face, the inspiration hitting the walls of my skulls are flowing again, bu...

There's a strange feeling I'm having today. It's playing E Nomine on my laptop and I do feel a hug wish to get up and dance. I would, if I wasn't too tired to! I wish I could be in that image, in the dancer place. I could be dressed like that maked up like that, in a place and with men like that aroun, that I would dance! I feel I would dance! And my good friend Ludi said I am using my brains too much... Am I?? Why?? :P

That's what I do wish. I have had a wonderful day till that damned woman who works with me now (and she's mother of one of my friend) hae decied to get conflict with me for something way stupid. My damned work mate decided to "join the party" and I just wanted to pick the larg knife I use to cut cakes to cut them and pull their entrails out and spread all around the caffé. OK, Bruno, you need to relax! I need to burn them down! And I found my mate is bisexual like me (I am more gay, though) and he's giving some tips out that he wshes somethingform me, but e's just a stupid kid. OK, OK, he's 21 and I am about turning 22, but he behaves like a damned kid. And he haves some kind of hability to upset me seriously, just by being quiet in a corner. He makes feel angry, sometimes, just to look at him! I wanna so many things. I am falling apart something. I am needing something I cannot bear: company! A boyfriend! Something like that, but I also wanna be alone. I ...

One more night out, knowing it'll be another day of work tomorrow, though I don' care about my rest. I don't care... I really don't! One more night spent in the caffé, drinking, talkng, laughing, smoking, being what people call of bohemian... Being whatever it can be, but dong something to remind myself I am alive! I was happily happy *devilish giggle*. I went to a caffé I do love with a friend of mine and there were one of the guys of the caffé playing guitar and singing, with live music. It was splendid. I once wrote an entry on ths blog, while I was at their computer and I sddendly saw their guitar lid net to me. People singing... Laughing... Drinking... Having fun... And I, suddendly, falling apart in a depressive state of soul... Amália sings in one of her musics "La Fiesta sono é commenciata I é já finita" (The party just begun and it's already over) and it fits me well. That's why I avoid parties, nights at discos or bars or anything like that. ...

Here's Amália Rodrigues. She's my diva. The one I love, the one Imourn for when I wake up. I am listening to her songs, one of them called "Sombra" (Shadow). It's aout one decadent and dependent love. About when a woman gets addicted in one man, about the dawn as a healer for her wounds. Like if the moon was the antidote, made in one orane juie with moon powder. Amália take me into another dimensions, her voice goes too deep in my soul. I adore her. I am too highed to say anything without feeling ridiculous and patetic, but it's something I say, sobber or highed: AMÁLIA FOREVER!

It's a weird thing I always choose female images, when it's about anything. Well, it wouldn't be that weird if I wasn't a gay guy! By the way, I've been in such a depressive state of mind or of soul or of spirit, as you prefer to make the interpretation. It's almost like if I wasn't allowed to feel happy, satisfied, with a bigger hunger for life. I should be able to go out at night and feel good at a disco or a bar, be able to laugh quite easily, but Ihate the simple idea of enterng a bar or a disco, go to the dancefloor, mix with the "normal" human being, feeling my body being touched from all over, feeling those house style, trance or hatever it takes at he disco musics sounding out loud, making my brain jumping, like a little bit of salt in the fire. I do feel like a mad thing. I do feel like a crazy, like an eccentic stuff, unable to be happy. There's something which happens, when women are kidnapped by the bad guys, when they are rich an...

Though this is an image from "Jack The Ripper", it serves me quite well. I do ask if vampires exists, because I do wake up every morning feeling tired, my body hurting, like if I had been walking all night long. Sometimes, when I do not smoke weed at night, I do feel like my head was foggy, like I could barely see a few meters in front of me. It's like if I get hipnotised every night and go for walks in the city, like if something was calling me to the wild evrynight and it was sucking all my energy out. I do need answers. I do need rest. I do need PEACE! That's all I need to get.

I'm floating... I feel like a ballon that a child left to fly and with no destiny, but the infinity. The blue or the darkened sky. A tree. There's something within me, burning me out,making me falling, like a collapsing building. I feel like nothing could stop me. At the same time, I feel like I was needing lots of alcohol and weed to be able to stand eveything... It seems like everything was going to explode, like if I was going to blow up, to fly and then crash down... There's no right mood to be described right here and right now... There's no feelings... There's no joy... There's no sadness... There's no anger... Just a huge hole inside my chest! I need to walk... I need to feel the streets... The wind in my face... My mp3 playing out loud in my ears... The cars in the road... Passing people... The night... The moon shining far in the sky, lightining the darkest streets... I just need to walk, to listen to my songs and forget about the world, about th...

There's a girl who surprises me more and more... Her name is Elizabeth, she's a Greek girl, but she's my goddess. Despite I am gay, she's the one I'd fall in love with, if I could or if I had a chance. She's a girl I adore, the kinda friend I'd love to be able to hold for a lifetime. The kinda person that the more I know her, the more she surprises me. There's a lot of things about her I just love. There's many others that I will earn to hate.. But what can make me feel a little hate for her? I can not imagine anything for now... I read her first post on blogspot.com and reading the most recent ones, it's way too different from the person I know. Too "young", too fresh, still able to feel comfortable about the simple idea of human touch and warmt. She evolved with passing years. She turnt into a more secure woman. She's one of the most perfect beings I know. And she... She is just Elizabeth! http://indigojester.blogspot.com If you...

I am going crazy... Every single day that passes by, I believe more and more in that... I am more and more unstable. I smile as quick as I weep and yell. I walk as fast as I run. I scream as fast as I whisper. I mean, it's being a little bit chaotic... Fear... Despair... Sadness... Happiness... Joy... Too many things and one single brain... Going under? I don't think so! Maybe rising from my ashes, to fall again, and then again, to rise up... Over and over till my dying day. Till my departure day! And it's what makes of me what I am! :)

It's the time I start to listen to a song and suddendly I feel affraid of something. I can't explain what's scaring me away, till I feel chills on my bones. The Gazette are playing "People Error" on youtube and I do listen to this song over and over again causing me such chills and making me doing a trip to the inner of my soul. I feel I could go to the window, spread my wings and fly. Out there, the night is calling for me. The rain is falling strongly, but it's like a thousnad of fairies are caling for me. My dragon awaits. The moon wants to shine, but the clouds are covering her way. The city is like a maze, for me. It's like there's something awaiting for me. My lover? My killer? My guardians? My demons? Who knows? Suddendly, it won some kind of a crazy meaning inside of me... The chills goes on... The night doesn't stops... In two hours, I'll get up to go to work... But I am a bit scared of closing my eyes and going to sleep... Time to ...

It's the time to call the old times. It's the time I cry hard and feel nothing inside. Like an hollow tree, I feel empty inside, feelingless. Thetre's nothing to grab now. Things changed, places changed, even people changed. People themselves, people around me, people to deal with. I changed. It's sad, because I look back and there are they: happy, with no concernings, with no worries. I look in front and I see nothing. Blank, Black White, nothing... emptiness. That's all the left me. I fear I have lost them forever. I fear they have me forever. I fear I have lost my path and now it's too late to go back and fight. Thinsgs are really diferent. People, me, the world. Things changed. I have writen in my portuguese blog ( http://angelalucardpt.blogspot.com/ ) today, one entry, now I am writing here, as a mad. Because people who we deal with, in real life, in internet, through mobile calls or text messages, they have an influence in how we feel. ...