I Wanna Leave




I need to leave this wicked world behind. Flowers became hard stones for me. The air I breathe feels like poison to my lungs. I smoke my cigarettes. I smoke over and over, cigarette after cigarette, because I can not feel peace within. I try hard and harder day by day, hour by hour, but there's no way to get some peace into this wicked soul. Seems that my old desire became true: I am all alone, I can not find anyone who can love, especially now. Oh! Yeah, I know, there are my friends, but friends are not the right people to give a kiss in the lips, to give me a hug in the darkest hours of my physical conditons or in the darkest hours of my mind. There are secrets that only two friends of mine do know, there are secrets that i wish was able to hide from the entire world. i wish it was possible to hide many things, including my feelings, even from myself.

I know, feeling this much, using it to work or write is such a great gift. I can be big! Numerology said so! Tarot said so! But it's such a curse too! The curse of carrying a cross! Carrying a cross heavier than we can really stand! I feel like there's nothing left to me... My body is ruined... My soul is broken into a thousand pieces... It turned to ashes and was spread by the wind... But my feelings are deep inside of me, bothering me hard and harder day by day, week by week, year by year...

It might sounds negative, but i got this hard feeling after going to the café. Seeing my friends hurted me... Seeing some couples hurted me... Because this feeling of emptiness is not fulfilled by anyone, is not fulfilled by anyone. I still miss those times i barely understood what I feel, i barely understood that I could feel. There are days i miss my past. Others, that I miss the day which is going! Others when I miss myself... I wanna go and vanish in the air, like ashes... The ashes of my cigarette, which last nothing, but a few minutes... I wanna be part of the sea... I wanna fly higher! I wanna scream louder! i wanna be a poet! I wanna be an artist! I wanna not to feel this much!! I wanna be everything... And I am nothing!

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